Not Feeling Great

I didn’t sleep well last night.  I had three full hours then woke feeling like I needed to be sick. Luckily I haven’t but the feeling is coming and going. Sickness, leading to a busy day. Plus people calling in sick. Least I was able to pick up an hour and 1/4 over today and tomorrow.

Here’s hoping to top up my wage. By not a lot but ‘every little helps’ said by Tesco.

I had a little bit of time to sort my presents out. And so far I’ve done well to put them to good use. It may take some a while. Possibly until I have a house of my own. But here’s hoping for a shorter wait.

I even got my wedding fund piggy bank out. I do love a pig.

I still feel slightly sick writing this. Plus I have a headache. And instead of writing this and going to bed. What do I do? Look at potential blog themes and try to start setting one up. But the name changed all plans. The name I’d thought of, naturally, someone else had thought of it too. A few many someones.

I tried combinations. Plus changing of the name. But I thought ‘Stop.’ Do not just make a site for the sake of making one. Get to pen and paper and think of names beforehand.


Goal: Think of a Blog Name

Wow, two goals thought of in two days. I’m on a roll. Anyway, I best hop to and get sorted to bed. Another long day tomorrow. I’m not gonna feel better staying up all night.

Sweet dreams all.


Anxiety, Mental Health, Writing

A Birthday, a Journal and a Goal about Baths.

Don’t you love the smell of a new, fair trade, leather type journal? Writing with a new pen? A good choice of gift. I’m glad because I don’t think I would have chosen it for myself.

Today has been a very good day. Actually, the weekend has been a new lease of life in a way. Maybe the excitement and business have prevented me from letting my thoughts wonder. Will have to see how it goes.

Will have to see how it goes.

*Will have to remember to do that relaxation module*

Celebrated with great friends. The gifts I did receive (apart from the bath bombs) were great. And I was able to save and spend some money on what mattered and I liked.

Bath bombs! You’re probably thinking ‘what has she got against bath bombs?’ Well, the bath bombs themselves, I’ve nothing against them. It’s the baths. They cause me to have anxiety attacks. I’m not as bad as I used to be. I couldn’t even give you the cause. But they are not my favourite thing.

I’m now at a point where I can sit in lukewarm water sat up to my hips for around five minutes. With another person in the room with me. But I want to get over it and relax in one.

Goal: Relax in a bath

I want to be able to be in for at least twenty minutes and use a bath bomb. O and no one else in the room with me.

Friendships, Relaxation, Writing

Looked Forward to a Day

Today was a good day. I had things to look forward too. I even felt better about my other half. I believe having things to look forward to help. I was pretty much none stop. Most days I’m not a fan of that. But today it was lovely.

I had my hair done. I was brave and had three inches taken off. So it’s now to just below my shoulders. Then I went for a full body massage.

I actually relaxed. It was great not to have my thoughts running through my mind.

I’ve decided that having a full body massage is something I need to have done regularly. Especially if it’s gonna help me relax. Relaxing is a hard thing for me to do.

Then I went to a friends for a few hours before picking my other half up from work. Pizza and a film. One I wouldn’t have normally chosen but I had great company.

What more could you ask from a day?

Mental Health, Relationship

The Meal

Well, the meal happened. He got sweet potato fries, cheddar and roasted red onion crisp bakes and whole grain rice and quinoa.

I don’t know what I was expecting. I guess I had higher expectations. But what did I expect from someone who doesn’t cook? A full meal made from scratch? Sort of yeah.

It wasn’t a bad attempt. I rated, as my friend said, ‘the come dine with me’ score, 5/6 out of 10 overall.

It did make me think how well my fiance remembers things about me.

The crisp bakes tasted solely of red onions. I don’t like the taste of them. When I mentioned this after he asked me how I was finding the meal. I was given an ‘O yeah’ type shrug!

Today also was my first phone call with the counsellors. Just a top up assessment of the one I sent online last week.

I have been given a relaxation module and have to wait till next Friday to see how they want to proceed.


Friendships, Writing

Missing Friendships

I’ve been wondering how to start writing my feelings of today. The day started off like any other. Up and off to work I went.

I was lucky enough to have the afternoon/night off work. So I took the opportunity to stay at my dads.

It was great to see him and my step mum. Even got to see a friend of theirs. A good catch up and even though there was no new news on my dads’ illness. It was good not to get bad news.

But my mind was else where. For after the meal my fiance is due to cook for me tomorrow night. A girls night was planned.

This I was very much looking forward to. Me and three other girls in our group getting together for a good chat, films and games. I was even going to confide in them of how I’ve been feeling of late.

But one has to work later than normal due to being understaffed. Which I totally get. Plus the extra pay will help her.

So I let the host know. Then this afternoon I read the reply that it’s cancelled and we’ll arrange another day.

This put me in a depressive type mood. I was low. I had to stop myself from tearing up.

Even though one of the four of us wouldn’t be able to make it. I was still looking forward to going to a girls night. But that didn’t seem to be the case.

To me, it felt I wasn’t wanted (the other two live in the same house). That the one who cancelled was the clue between me and the other two. That if I was the one who couldn’t make it that the other three still would have got together.

The girl who was unable to make it has her own house with her fiance. The two that live together at first was joking that she could move in and be their cook etc. But as the host kept mentioning it, she became more serious. Meaning that is was what she actually wanted.

My two best friends are guys. I don’t have a proper girl best friend. This is what I’ve been wanting for many years. I was hoping the girls night tomorrow could be the start of making a closer friendship bone to the other girls in the group.

I don’t think I’ll have much of an issue with the girl who was unable to come tomorrow. We’ve already made plans for a meetup. It’s the other two or at least the host that will be a question mark.

The third girl I haven’t had any contact with about girls night so I’ve no idea where we stand.

I guess I feel lonely on some level. I have people around me but I don’t feel any true connection with all.

To be honest, right now, I only feel a proper connection with one in my circle.



Family, Writing


I’m an Aunty again. This afternoon my step sister brought into this world, my third niece.

I have a card and present waiting. I was all warm inside and smiley. I still am.


It hit me that I hardly see my sister. Only when it is a gathering occasion. We don’t have the relationship most sisters have.

I guess that is due to becoming sisters towards your mid-twenties, not having lived together and having your own separate lives.

It would be nice to have a proper sisterly bond. Never know maybe in the future.

It is something I would like with all my step siblings. My thinking is three out of four ain’t bad. Our bonds may change in the future.

Back to the reason, I put pen to paper tonight.

Welcome, little one. The world is yours. So many happy times ahead. Big love to you, your mummy and your brother. Love your Aunty.



A Shadow

I had a new starter shadowing me today. When I got told this morning. My reaction: O God!

When I meet new staff I always hope they are good workers. Otherwise, it makes the job twice as hard.

But I was in luck. She was a natural. For someone who has never worked in my industry before she was a god send. Here’s hoping she keeps it up.

I’ve felt good today. Not as productive in my breaks as I could have been. Yoga, hair, washing, one proper meal and a sing/dance along to my iPod. That was great. Otherwise, I just had a Greys Anatomy marathon.

If it wasn’t for my headache and the time, I’d continue watching it. So moreish. Why I didn’t watch it sooner I’ve no idea.

An update on Fridays meal: he has some ideas! A day closer to seeing what he picks.

Anyway, my bed is calling. Goodnight.