This week I’ve tried to be more relaxed about completing my goals. I’ve gone from 4 non-telly days last week to 1 so far this week. Monday I set some ME TIME for the evening. I chose Pitch Black film then continued watching some episodes of Greys Anatomy.
Tuesday I went to the cinema to see Murder on the Orient Express. I went by myself. Didn’t have a full-blown panic attack this time. Just chest pains. I enjoyed the film even though I believe I was one of the youngest in the screen.
Wednesday I did a few pages of my Overcoming Workbook and then spent a couple hours watching some more Greys Anatomy.
Today, I did a yoga workout, did breathing exercises, completed a lesson of my BSL course. Helping me to achieve my no telly by spending my ME TIME evening reading than listening to music while doing some of my jigsaw puzzles.
Don’t worry, I’m not gonna start giving you a play by play of what I do each and every day. I just wanted to make a point. Although I did work on a couple of goals I spent time for myself doing what I wanted.
I don’t feel as mentally stressed for it. But I still feel tired. I’ve been sleeping through the night lately. Although the past couple of mornings I’ve woke to find either my engagement ring off or pillows and bedding at the other end of the bedroom. What I’ve been doing in my sleep I do not know.
Maybe it’s something I need to monitor. Be mindful of how I find myself and my room when I wake in the morning.
Wanting courage within myself. That is something I want to embody. To have courage fight through my fear and anxiety. To have it as an instinct rather than that part of me that gets shut behind a door.
Watching Kate Courageous in one of her videos got me thinking about why my courage is behind a closed door. She speaks of her fear routines. Surely I need to understand before I can conquer. Looking at her fear routines, I can’t really pinpoint an exact one I fall into. I have parts in all.
I believe my number 1 is THE SABOTEUR: I try new things or start something but never finish or get to the end then don’t use it. Would have saved me a lot of education debt. All because of fear. Those negative thoughts going through my head. I start things then quit to do something else regardless if I wanna do it anymore. There are times I underperform. Mainly when I’m getting towards my low moods.
But my number 2 THE PERFECTIONIST comes though. At these times the perfectionist helps. But I haven’t worked out how to stop or at least slow it down. I go from underperforming to overperforming. Getting into the drive where I need to be and do better. That I have to do the job, get it done, even though another could have done it exactly the same way. But I need to know that it is perfect. Going into the mindset that I need to do even when I know it’s not right.
I’m not sure which way around to put my number 3 and 4. Could I have a joint one? Have THE MARTER and THE PESSIMIST at the same level.
THE MARTER: I clearly have a saboteur pattern as this is my number 1. I give to others and no go after what I want. This I have reduced slightly. I give to others but am starting to go after what I want. I’m glad I wrote this. I believe THE MARTER is my number 4.
Number 3 has to be THE PESSIMIST: My negative thoughts and anxiety help to rule THE PESSIMIST in me. I get the “things don’t work out for me” feeling. That the world is out to get me. Tests me.
I feel my number 2-4 lead me to the point that they help my SABOTEUR. That it’s feeding off my other fear routines. Now I need to figure out how to cut these fear routines down to open up my courage.
That’s for another day. Do you have any of these fear routines? Do you have your own?
Speaking up hasn’t been the easiest of things for me. I get embarrassed, shy and scared to the point I settle for what I have. Growing resentful of the situation I’m in. All because of my feelings when I try to ask for what I want.
Speaking up is one of my courage actions and I’ve been able to put it into action on a few things. I don’t wanna revert back to not speaking up. I need to know what I want to speak up about. If I don’t have clarity, taking the time to clearly understand myself what I want.
How do I expect others to understand what I need for myself or from them?
This could relate to making decisions as well as speaking up. I need to ask myself, my heart, body and soul if it is what I want.
Does the decision or action resonate with me? Who I am or what I stand for? Not just that, why? Why am I going to do this action? Is it true for me or something I don’t want to do?
Going out of my comfort zone is hard for me. It heightens my anxiety. Going out of the zone may be the way to get or ask for what I want. It may be the same for you?
I always think of “If you don’t ask, you don’t get”. Majority of the time this is true. There will be times you ask but you still don’t get. Least you asked. You know the answer is no. You’re not thinking it.
Believe in your ask. Let them know how much it means to you and how helpful it was. Always say thank you. Don’t forget you can say no too – Unknown
I’m not the smartest person. I’m not the prettiest person. I sure as hell am not the bravest. But I try to be the best I can be. I may try to be the best. I may not be all the things an ideal person should be.
Be honest. Be yourself. Not everyone is going to connect with you. Be the person you want to be. Do what you believe in. Do want you wanna stand for.
Are you doing what resonates with you?
The people who truly love you will understand. If they don’t they’ll make the effort, they’ll be there for you, they’ll want to understand. You should be loved as the amazing person you are.
Hey you, yes you, the person reading this, thinking, even saying “what is this girl on about, I’m not amazing”.
Well, I’m not sorry to say this but you are. Whether you’re in the best part of your life or the worst. You are amazing. That brain in your head, those loved ones that support you, even when you are blinded by those negative thoughts racing through your head.
That person looking back at you in the mirror. That person is worth all the happiness in the world. Doing. Loving. Cherishing everything.
Just in case you didn’t read the rest: You are amazing. Never forget that!
Do you get those times where events, people and memories pop into your head out of the blue?
I do. Both awake and in my dreams. There are things in my past that could define me. But I don’t want them to rule my present, hindering my future. I suppose I’m gonna have to process or run through them. Writing them down.
The past teaches. The past can hurt. The past may help to shape the person you are today. Every day, I’m learning more about myself and of those around me. I need to conquer my past, to help better shape me in the present so my future self can move to where she wants to go.
It’s 10:15 pm. I’m struggling to keep my eyes open. Seeing as the majority of my day was spent watching and finishing season 4 of One Tree Hill. I feel drained.
What ways or foods are good to keep energy up? Both on slow or fast days?
I have this sense of guilt. I’m not sure of the reason. As far as I believe I have done nothing to be guilty of. I’ve spent the day doing a mix of things.
I took the time to watch telly. I’ve had a good week of no telly. Because I’ve watched telly I haven’t done a lot towards my goals. Maybe that’s where my sense of guilt is coming from.
I can’t feel guilty of not spending a whole day completing goals. By being mentally and physically active all the time I’m wearing myself out. More mentally. Tiring my mind out causing my body to crash down in places.
I think I’m finding it hard to accept going slowly, taking the time. Focusing all on one task at a time. Future me is pulling down again because I’m not being present in the here and now.
There aren’t enough hours in a day to complete everything you want out of life. I need to accept that I can do everything, just not right this second. The support I have on and off my blog, to help me through. To help my mindset get towards healthy feels cherishing. Speaking, writing and opening up has made a difference.
I’m just not at the finishing line yet.
I miss volunteering and working with animals. This morning I was able to go to the shelter to help out with the morning run. It’s been many months since I last went. Even though the previous times Dave came with me. I went by myself and found my love for it again.
This evening Dave and I went to see the new Thor film. More the film for Dave than me. I don’t quite get the sense of humour the films bring. But it has been a good day. Just feeling tired of it.