Wanting courage within myself. That is something I want to embody. To have courage fight through my fear and anxiety. To have it as an instinct rather than that part of me that gets shut behind a door.
Watching Kate Courageous in one of her videos got me thinking about why my courage is behind a closed door. She speaks of her fear routines. Surely I need to understand before I can conquer. Looking at her fear routines, I can’t really pinpoint an exact one I fall into. I have parts in all.
I believe my number 1 is THE SABOTEUR: I try new things or start something but never finish or get to the end then don’t use it. Would have saved me a lot of education debt. All because of fear. Those negative thoughts going through my head. I start things then quit to do something else regardless if I wanna do it anymore. There are times I underperform. Mainly when I’m getting towards my low moods.
But my number 2 THE PERFECTIONIST comes though. At these times the perfectionist helps. But I haven’t worked out how to stop or at least slow it down. I go from underperforming to overperforming. Getting into the drive where I need to be and do better. That I have to do the job, get it done, even though another could have done it exactly the same way. But I need to know that it is perfect. Going into the mindset that I need to do even when I know it’s not right.
I’m not sure which way around to put my number 3 and 4. Could I have a joint one? Have THE MARTER and THE PESSIMIST at the same level.
THE MARTER: I clearly have a saboteur pattern as this is my number 1. I give to others and no go after what I want. This I have reduced slightly. I give to others but am starting to go after what I want. I’m glad I wrote this. I believe THE MARTER is my number 4.
Number 3 has to be THE PESSIMIST: My negative thoughts and anxiety help to rule THE PESSIMIST in me. I get the “things don’t work out for me” feeling. That the world is out to get me. Tests me.
I feel my number 2-4 lead me to the point that they help my SABOTEUR. That it’s feeding off my other fear routines. Now I need to figure out how to cut these fear routines down to open up my courage.
That’s for another day. Do you have any of these fear routines? Do you have your own?