Not a Mind Reader

The second decision my other half has made is to start looking for wedding venues etc. This is what I’d like but we can’t afford a mortgage right now. I don’t want to be setting my heart on wedding ideas that may or may not be available for when we are able to afford to get married.

I know I said I was irritated and bored with our relationship and that he needs to get his drive and initiative into gear. I kinda meant on a personal level to help the relationship, not big leaps. I’ll have to see what a conversation face to face will do.

This evening he has been giving ideas on things to do, activities can go do. All well and good. I’m glad he’s making a decision but we still need to drop off Christmas Presents!! And in a few hours, it’s the New Year.

But here’s me writing, moaning about him doing something. He’s not a mind reader. He doesn’t know what I want. He’s had the majority of things done for him. He’s not had to think about certain responsibilities or those little things that need doing.

Certainly going to be working on my letting go of control and no micromanaging for a while relationship wise.

Hard Truths

I’ve said something to Dave. Afer my relationship rant a couple of nights ago. Avoidance. I have been open about my feelings. It’s funny he can tell I’m annoyed, irritable or any other word you wanna use over text message but not face to face.

Maybe I’m a good actress after all.

He knows I’m irritable and bored with our relationship. Told him the reasons why I felt this way. He said “Fair enough, I’ll work on that”.

It’s not the first time I’ve said something to him. Back in July, when I was going through a particularly bad patch of anxiety and depression. Before I went on my medication. I spoke to him about not feeling connected etc.

That has improved but because of how I’ve come to feel, that connection has reduced again. I don’t wanna keep going around in circles.

I’ve told a couple of my friends about how I’m feeling. One of which I’m meeting up with for lunch in a couple of days. It’ll be interesting what she has to say face to face. Being able to tell all the details. Well, at least my side of things.

The other half hasn’t been forthcoming about his feelings. Even though, I’ve just received a message about the first sort out of 2018 is gonna be to see if can get a mortgage.

Might be an idea to sort out our relationship first. But hey ho, see what happens.

Q1 Goals for 2018

I did it! I’ve completed The Holiday Council. I did it in 22 days. Woop! I’ve already done a post on my Theme, ways of being and my 3 Big Goals for 2018.

This has been, wow I can’t remember if it’s my second or third year, of The Holiday Council. Whichever it is, it’s been the best yet. I’ve been focused on it all. I’ve done but 1/2 a page within the workbook, as I’ve no idea what to write.

I’ve got that page open, see if I can think or people or things I need to……. over the next few days. The last page I completed in my workbook was my Q1 goals.

  1. Finish my NVQ
    1. This is a must. If I don’t finish it by April the funding runs out. Plus if I do get it done by February like my assessor says is highly likely. I can start looking for new jobs. To get a permanent, 1 place position.
  2. Being honest with others
    1. This is something I’ve ticked to what I avoid when doing some of my Overcoming workbook. If you read my post yesterday, you know I’m avoiding talking to Dave about how I feel about our relationship. I’m also one who says yes to things when I want to be saying no. My being deliberate falls here.

I’ve completed planning for 2018. I just need to do the work.

Have you any goals for 2018?

I’d love to hear them. Comment below, paste your link and I’ll pop over.

 

Feelings towards our Relationship

Worried he loves me more then I love him. Irritable and bored with our relationship. I’m home after spending the day together. We didn’t have a proper conversation. There are times I feel like it’s a parent/child relationship rather than adults.

I thought in the car home that he needs drive and initiative. Kicked up the arse – he needs to step up. Be the guy in the relationship. Make a decision. Do something without me having to prompt him.

Feeling like it’s not gonna last. I know I need to speak to him. But it’s not the first time I’ve had to say something.

Christmas Monopoly

I do love Christmas. So why not a game of Christmas Monopoly. Don’t think you need to guess but we did.

After 3 and 1/2 hours, Dave and I still hadn’t finished the game. We decided to put it to one side and continue tomorrow.

I’ve found a love for board and card games. When I was younger I didn’t have the opportunities to play many. I played Monopoly, of course. But there are many I didn’t play. Maybe one day.

My group of friends love board and card games. The chances may arise.

Do you have a favourite board or card game?

Curiosity over Anxiety. Leading to Pleasure?

Getting comfortable and enjoying sex means I have to be comfortable talking about it. Whether to myself about how I feel or not in regards to my sex life or with other people as a topic.

Sex has come up as a topic between me and a close friend a number of times in the past. A trusted friend. We can tell each other anything without judgement and get advice if it’s needed.

Most of these conversations in the past have caused anxiety to build within me. Pleasure in life, including sexual pleasure, is something I wanna experience unconditionally. When I wanna joy life, I wanna enjoy it in the bedroom too.

Our conversation was slightly different this evening. Mainly I didn’t get that anxiety. I was more curious than anything. I want that curiosity over anxiety going forward.

Mindset switched possibly? The first step to experiencing pleasure?

3 Big Goals for 2018

After listening to week 3 training call, I have come up with my 3 Biggest Goals for 2018.

  1. Focus on Me
    1. Love my body. Be deep with myself. Say no. Say yes. Incorporate love, laughter and pleasure into my life, social and sexual.
  2. Have Experiences
    1. Girls nights. Group days. Holidays. Date nights. Try new things. Do the things that are my dream list. Do things that are scary.
  3. Embody Easefulness
    1. Bring ease, peace and tranquillity to life. Let go of control. Give into surrender. Allow things to happen. No micromanaging.

After making these goals, I sent two messages. One to Dave and one to B. Both along the lines of ‘no matter what’s going on in life, we have one day, evening, night per month where we do something’. Dave > date night, days trips, couple things. B > girl nights, theatre, food, try something new. Whether as a group or if they can’t join just girls only.

I loved B’s response “Absafuckingluly!”

After a long day mainly working I came home, put my headphones in and iPod on and danced. I feel so much better too when I walked into the house. A better feeling going to bed with.


Originally written on the 13th December.