Goals, Life

What do you value in yourself?

When I think of an answer to the question “What do I value in myself?” I think of traits I have; like being organised. Wow, it’s really hard. Saying nice things about myself shouldn’t be hard. My mind goes blank. I guess my negative beliefs. Have taken over that much I can’t even think of good things about myself.

If I’m to love my body, I also need to love the person I am. Thinking more positive about myself. I treated myself today and got my nails done. Glitter and snow flakes ready for Christmas. That is one thing I love. Having my nails all painted up. I’ve one thing I love about my body now. I’ll have to learn to find other lobes about my body.

Body love is a big thing that can change the way I see myself. I believe it’ll help me with my goal of learning to inhabit my body. I take a pleasure in having my nails done. I want to have the sense of pleasure more often. This is a type of sensual pleasure. Pleasure being one of my ways of being.

I’d like to learn the sensual pleasures not just having enjoyment in the bedroom. Having my nails done is one sensual pleasure I’d like to carry on.

This led me to looking into other ways of inhabiting my body. I found a post that gave ways of getting in touch with your body. I’ve decided to try each on this list throughout 2019. Plus any more I find during my research, to see if any are a pleasure for me or teach me something about myself.

Some of these items scare me and some I judged when I read them. Then I felt guilty for judging. One thing occured to me when I read the post was do I know the true meaning of inhabiting my body?

So, naturally, I googled it. It brought me to this meaning:

Breathing through the emotional pain of our human experience is an initiation that makes more room for our soul to inhabit out body – Intuitive Creativity

Get out of my head and feel my emotions is what I took from that. I found others tell their honest thoughts on their body loves.

It’s great to see others out there telling their stories. I hope to continue to share mine along the way. I know I need to take things slow.


Watched: About a Boy > 3.5 out of 5

Bad Teacher > 3 out of 5

Life, Writing

Are you comfortable in where you live?

Whether from being bullied about my body weight or the depression and anxiety, I’ve had negative thoughts about how I see myself and my body.

“I’m not good enough” “I’m not fat enough” “My nose, hair, stomach, thighs, bum isn’t right. They need changing”

Some people go to different extremes in order to get their body right for them. Sometimes it does help and that change allows them to be themselves for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, the changes have also caused more problems then good. Effecting their lives and body love for the rest of their lives. It can affect a person’s mental health significantly too.

Having a health relationship with one’s body isn’t always easy. If it was we’d all love our body the way they are. A health relationship is what I ultimately want. I want to do it in the healthiest way I can for me. How I’m gonna do that, I haven’t figured that part out yet. But I know I don’t want extreme actions.

My negative mindset on my body isn’t as bad as it used to be but it still creams in. Doubting myself and my appearance. It affects my confidence and happiness. I want this confidence and happiness back. I want that dress I love but thought I couldn’t pull it off. That hairstyle it took me 3 years to achieve due to believing I couldn’t do it.

My inner critic is always alert when my body is involved. I need to teach my inner critic that I’m in control. Maybe the inner critic stemed front those who bullied me at school? I’ve always been saddened and held myself back from the bullies. They aren’t in my life anymore. I was very good at running away, well, moving is the word.

I may have spent 17 years in that one place but I never felt entirely comfortable being there. Never felt like home. Where I am now I do. Being comfortable in my surroundings helped me be comfortable in myself. Is it bad I had to move away from where I grew up to feel comfortable in where I am? Like we can have negative people around us, does that me there can be negative places or is it just how our perception has been created caused by the negative people?

Life, Writing

What’s your body love truth?

I was bullied when at school for my weight. I’m naturally thin. I can eat anything and no put weight on. The women in my family seem to have the same thing. Clearly, it’s in the genes. When at a certain age, the weight starts to pile on.

Growing up I was shy and didn’t have confidence in new surroundings. Even when I got used to people and gained friends I still wasn’t my full self. I felt I had to lie about things so that I would be liked. Whether I lied or told the truth I felt like I couldn’t win and struggled to stay friends with others. Falling in and out with those around me on a regular basis.

One of the things that got me down the most was “friends” kept calling me anorexic. I was thin, yes, but I was never anorexic. I feel this didn’t help me love my body or have the best relationship with food.

I was a picky eater. My dad never knew what to feed me when I went to visit. Pizza Hut was the place to go. I love pizza to this day. I wasn’t very helpful in saying food choices to eat. I just rather have stayed quiet. I would eat in front of others, but when I was home I went through stages of not eating much or comfort eating loads. I still have spells of comfort eating now, just not to that extreme.

No matter how much or little I ate my weight never changed. The only time I thought, “Yes, I’m putting on weight” then felt depleted again once I connected it to my period each month.

I saw a dietician while at college. Even with her pointers, nothing changed. My relationship with food is better now, I even try to eat healthier and have a more varied diet.

I have never “dieted”. I feel if I started I would cause more harm to my body the good. I love my body now more then I did at school but I’m not 100% with it.

When it comes to exercise, I did dancing, gymnastics and the PE we had to do while at school. But since leaving exercise and my body/mind have not been friends. I go through phases where an exercise is something I do. But times I’ve stopped because I connect it with my weight or how thin I looked.

Other times I’ve done it and thought I’m not strong enough physically to do what I was doing in order to carry on. So why bother? Not thinking to build up my strength having an exercise routine could help. I’ve seen physiotherapists about different parts of my body. They’ve told me I’ve a muscle imbalance. I’m weak in my muscles and exercise is something to help strengthen them.

Plus it’ll be good for having a healthy body and mind. Seeing that my mental health has highs and lows this would have been motivation. But no. I think my mindset relationship with my body needs to get into a level of agreement in order to help my body love to grow.

I like what AZ said in a Holiday Council post about her joy of exercise:

I call it joyful movement because I do indeed find it joyful and feel so much better when I do it – not to try to lose weight or anything but because I know how good I feel

I like that because she’s found a way to put it so it sounds joyful as well as doing whats joyful to her.

In 2018 I set a personal ground rule to do a daily movement. This isn’t something I’ve done on a daily basis. I’ve gone about my daily needs but not mindfully set time or thought ‘let’s go for a walk’ etc. I’m also one to start something and give up or even just forget about it.

To allow myself to find pleasure in loving my body, I feel this would need to change. Right now, I don’t have an answer to how things could change. I believe reflecting on how I’ve felt/been in the past could help me to get better for the future in learning to inhabit my body.

I want to focus on feeling good. Not force myself and my body to do things we’re not ready for.

Could that be my body love mantra?

Life

Week 3 Reflection: Progress

My aim to complete my three actions:

  1. Buy Paint for the Kitchen
  2. Walk the Dogs
  3. Research Inhabiting my Body

Good news is that I completed 1 of the actions. I’ve bought the paint for the kitchen; well the white undercoat.

Why didn’t I complete the other 2 steps?

Mainly because I watched telly instead. The thing I turn to in all occasions. Tomorrow is another day, plus no telly Tuesday. Beating myself up about not doing the 2 other steps isn’t going to help me get closer to them.

I went today to see the plasterer to tell him not to sand down the walls. The plug sockets are left to put on and I really hope he cleans up after himself. The in two weeks, after the holidays, the second plasterer is coming to fix the problem. I also believe we have a gas engineer on hand to come service the boiler once the radiators and the water pipes are linked up.

It’s a shame he’s unable to sort my parents’ boiler out. We’ve called his recommendation but it’s gonna be 48 hours before he can get here. It’s freezing outside and the boiler is broken. Fun times, don’t you think.

The second quote for the windows was given today. I didn’t feel at ease with this person. It was a better quote then last weeks one but the buy now, pay later is a smaller month span. So we’ve booked a second viewing with the first, as they’ve got a longer payment option. They’ve also kindly brought down the price by a few hundred. We’ll see how that goes in a couple days time.

Anyways, I’d better end here, I really should be getting to my grandparents. Good Night.


Watched: The Christmas Chronicles > 3.5 out of 5

Goals, Life

Quarter 1 Goals for 2019

The reflection challenge for week 3 is to make a small step for each of the big goals that I can do immediately. I have made them this evening and will aim to do all three tomorrow:

  1. Buy paint for the kitchen
  2. Walk the dogs
  3. Research ways can inhabit my body

All I’ve got to do for week 3 and to finish HoCo for another year, is to create my quarter 1 goals.

I’ve decided my first is to Make Our Home Liveable. The time is right to get out home to the point we can live in it. It won’t be complete but least we can do bits and pieces while we’re in and can afford it.

The following are action items I am starting with for this goal:

  • Radiators on
  • Gas Service
  • Junction Boxes
  • Paint the kitchen
  • Concrete hole
  • Screed floor
  • Second Plasterer
  • Paint the bathroom
  • Tile the Kitchen floor
  • Kitchen fitted

There are loads more to do but these can be seen on my vision board below. Plus there is only so much I can do at once.

My second goal is to do small actions to feel more comfortable in my body:

  • Research actions
  • Choose a couple to do each week
  • Reflect how I felt

More actions may come up once I’ve researched but right now this is what I’ve got.

By doing this writing I’ve come to finish week 3 naturally. I’m feeling positive about completing my goals for the new year. I believe Bloom is gonna be my year! The year of mastery and/or destruction. Every quarter there is a review call with HoCo. But I’d like to reflect on what I’m doing through my writing. I think this will help me; I just need my goals in sight.

I’ve put them onto a whiteboard which is currently on a shelf in our bedroom. I see it being in the kitchen when we’re in our house. The two boards side by side; one my vision board, the other the house board.

My aim for tomorrow is to complete the 3 actions steps I’ve set myself.

IMG_20181216_211615.jpg


Watched: Rough Night > 1.5 out of 5
Mortal Engines > 3.5 out of 5

Life, Writing

My Impostor Complex

Everyone has a different perception of what mess is. When you feel messy, no one else knows now messy but you. We think other people are judging us for how messy we are. No one is. They’re thinking the same. I’ve been told this an impostor syndrome/complex.

That internalisation and discounts in excellence is the complex at work. The opposite is unshakable confidence. Well, I certainly don’t have that. If my understanding of the impostor complex is correct, I have it. I may not show behaviours all the time but I go through stages where this would be the case.

These internalised failures and discounted of excellence need to be confronted. Confront the lies, I believe and actions/behaviours I do. Thinking about what I am deeply capable of which, will be more then I realise. When we’re surrounded by those we trust, ask for their help; be together. Those around me want me to succeed. I need to let them. Accepting their help, won’t kill me.

The confidence comes from alignment. But do I have alignment in all I do? Is there gonna be work that’ll bring out the impostor complex? Most likely. But will it give me joy, gratefulness, gratitude or a sense of connection leading to alignment? If so then I want to be doing it, no matter what.

I won’t be alone. There are people around me going through the same. I need to decide to strive. Stop letter the impostor complex have the upper hand. Put the work in by doing the work that I love; that aligns with my truth. I need to allow myself to choose what I want to do with what’s in front of me. I may choose to go back, to stay or to quit. Whichever decision I make is okay.

I need to celebrate where I am and want more for myself. Stop apologising and comparing to others.


Watched: The Shanghai Job > 1.5 out of 5

Life, Writing

Declutter Challenge 2018

I’m proud of myself for today. I got myself into gear and got shit done. I did my declutter challenge; going into my files and not just into my file to-do box. Got a few things sorted for burning. I also got the missing part for the loft ladder, recycled an old laptop and posting it tomorrow. With all the decluttering I only ended up watching one hour of telly. Later on was off to a friend for the evening.

I’ve done well, my step-dad and I went to see the plasterer too. He’s done everything bar one wall. Then as he isn’t 100% a plasterer in our eyes, he’s saying he’s got to sand the walls down that are dry. He originally said January, I don’t wanna wait an extra 3 weeks. Fingers crossed he sticks with that plan so I can start PVAing the walls next week too. I may get it all painted by the time I start my new job. If that’s the case the cellar ceiling can be put on hold a little longer.