Life, Writing

What’s your body love truth?

I was bullied when at school for my weight. I’m naturally thin. I can eat anything and no put weight on. The women in my family seem to have the same thing. Clearly, it’s in the genes. When at a certain age, the weight starts to pile on.

Growing up I was shy and didn’t have confidence in new surroundings. Even when I got used to people and gained friends I still wasn’t my full self. I felt I had to lie about things so that I would be liked. Whether I lied or told the truth I felt like I couldn’t win and struggled to stay friends with others. Falling in and out with those around me on a regular basis.

One of the things that got me down the most was “friends” kept calling me anorexic. I was thin, yes, but I was never anorexic. I feel this didn’t help me love my body or have the best relationship with food.

I was a picky eater. My dad never knew what to feed me when I went to visit. Pizza Hut was the place to go. I love pizza to this day. I wasn’t very helpful in saying food choices to eat. I just rather have stayed quiet. I would eat in front of others, but when I was home I went through stages of not eating much or comfort eating loads. I still have spells of comfort eating now, just not to that extreme.

No matter how much or little I ate my weight never changed. The only time I thought, “Yes, I’m putting on weight” then felt depleted again once I connected it to my period each month.

I saw a dietician while at college. Even with her pointers, nothing changed. My relationship with food is better now, I even try to eat healthier and have a more varied diet.

I have never “dieted”. I feel if I started I would cause more harm to my body the good. I love my body now more then I did at school but I’m not 100% with it.

When it comes to exercise, I did dancing, gymnastics and the PE we had to do while at school. But since leaving exercise and my body/mind have not been friends. I go through phases where an exercise is something I do. But times I’ve stopped because I connect it with my weight or how thin I looked.

Other times I’ve done it and thought I’m not strong enough physically to do what I was doing in order to carry on. So why bother? Not thinking to build up my strength having an exercise routine could help. I’ve seen physiotherapists about different parts of my body. They’ve told me I’ve a muscle imbalance. I’m weak in my muscles and exercise is something to help strengthen them.

Plus it’ll be good for having a healthy body and mind. Seeing that my mental health has highs and lows this would have been motivation. But no. I think my mindset relationship with my body needs to get into a level of agreement in order to help my body love to grow.

I like what AZ said in a Holiday Council post about her joy of exercise:

I call it joyful movement because I do indeed find it joyful and feel so much better when I do it – not to try to lose weight or anything but because I know how good I feel

I like that because she’s found a way to put it so it sounds joyful as well as doing whats joyful to her.

In 2018 I set a personal ground rule to do a daily movement. This isn’t something I’ve done on a daily basis. I’ve gone about my daily needs but not mindfully set time or thought ‘let’s go for a walk’ etc. I’m also one to start something and give up or even just forget about it.

To allow myself to find pleasure in loving my body, I feel this would need to change. Right now, I don’t have an answer to how things could change. I believe reflecting on how I’ve felt/been in the past could help me to get better for the future in learning to inhabit my body.

I want to focus on feeling good. Not force myself and my body to do things we’re not ready for.

Could that be my body love mantra?

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