What year do you think 2017 was for you?
Most of the year I’ve been in the cycle of unrest. Not fully understanding what I’m doing with my life. Family health issues. Death. Loss of connection to those I love. The decline in my mental health.
I believe I’m still in unrest in my career and education. With my mental health, I believe I’m in the middle of destruction and growth. I’m speaking up. I’m blogging and journaling. I have removed social media. I’m getting to figure out who gets a say in my life. I’m learning how to overcome the cause of my mental health.
I’m destructing and growing at the same time.
Does that knowledge help you understand your year in a new light?
I think for me, understanding which part of the cycle I’m in has helped me to put my mind at rest. I’m now understanding each slice of my life doesn’t have to be in the same cycle category.
That some can be in the destruction and mastery while others can still be in the unrest and growing. Everything does take its time. I can only go at my own pace. This way I can benefit and better understand rather than rush through it all.
I believe now all of week 1 of the Holiday Council is complete and in the week too.
What have you learnt from your 2017?
What part of 2017 are you most proud of?
I’m proud of acknowledging that I have mental health issues. Going to the doctors and referring myself to the counsellor. This state of unrest was dragging me down in all parts of my life. Physically and mentally.
The past few months have made me look into myself and my life moving towards destruction. I’m starting to tear everything down in my life. Looking to see if it’s what I believe I want and what to stand for.
I believe I still have more to do before I can say I’m moving onto growth but I’ learning as I’m destructing.
What part of 2017 surprised you the most?
I believe for me this year I have two things.
1: My love for writing. How it’s been helping me and that I like sharing it with others. Building a community online isn’t something I’d thought about before.
2: Removing social media that is something I’d never leave from but glad I have. It’s like I’ve been liberated. Have that sense of freedom. That it doesn’t control me anymore.
What I want to leave in 2017:
I’m getting rid of the “I’m not good enough” mindset. The negativity and people who don’t make me happy or bring positivity into my life. Leave the cancelled plans and guilt. Leave the clutter and mess behind.
What I’m carrying into 2018 with me:
That I can do everything I want and set my mind to. Just can’t do it right now. My journaling, blogging and organising. That I can say no. The love of memories had in 2017; family meals, Meadowhall Christmas Live, cooking from scratch, time spent with Dave, friend gatherings and ME TIME.
That’s the person I am. I take on more things at the wrong times. Spending money and trying to create more time then what’s available to me. No wonder I feel tired, stressed and overloaded.
I put extra things on myself before I’ve finished the other courses, goals or work. My body has decided to take on a cold as well. Prioritise relaxation and Me Time!! That’s what I need to do.
Is there something you need to prioritise?
What a lovely week off. It’s been nice to get away from work. I’ve been taking a break from my goals. No chocolate is the only one really done for some of it.
Seeing family and friends. Having trips out with Dave has been lovely. We’ve made homemade meals and spent the majority of the time together.
Seeing as we don’t live together yet. I had to come home tonight. It was sad leaving him. Going back to 5-7 days where we won’t see each other. I found it hard to leave. I’ve felt loneliness even since I got in the car. The thought of going back to work tomorrow is slightly sickening.
Once I’m back into it I’ll get used to it again. These 9 days together have been amazing. It’s made me know that I definitely want to move in with him. Save. Save. Save. The only way it’s gonna happen.
Tiredness has taken over. Tiredness is the reason I didn’t end up writing last night. I’m still feeling it now. It’s strange I didn’t use to have tiredness effect me this much.
There was a time where I woke at first light. I got up out of bed no problem. I had to have a quiet and dark surroundings. I couldn’t sleep with lights, telly, radio or people around me.
If the telly was too loud downstairs, I had to go ask for it to be turned down. I found it hard to sleep in a bed that wasn’t mine. Whether having a sleepover or away on holiday.
It’s like my mind has flipped a switch.
Most of the time when going to bed, I still need quite and darkness but that isn’t necessarily the case. I fall asleep during films, in the middle of the day. Sat on the sofa having conversations. Lights and noise have reduced keeping me up.
Having a lie in wasn’t a thing for me especially in the summer months. As soon as the sun rose I was awake. 8 am was the latest I was laying in to. Now it could be 11 am before I get out of bed.
When you hear your mum say “That’s not like you”. You know something has changed.
Through the tiredness, I’ve still had a good couple of days. Volunteering, seeing family and friends and seeing the Christmas Panto: Alladin.
I feel my body is fighting me. My legs haven’t stopped twitching since August. My tiredness hasn’t improved. My hip and lower back are intermittently aching. I find it hard to get comfy.
I’ve started to link my stomach aches and unusual bowel movements to times when I have milk or chocolate. Can you become lactose intolerant part way through life?
I booked an appointment to see my doctor to discuss it all. Just have to wait a couple of weeks. I’m gonna check for cancellations regular now I’m signed up for the online system.
Time is going quickly. We’re on day 5 of our week off. Half way through and relaxing is hard on annual leave. When we’re trying to relax I get antsy. I can’t sit still. I keep checking my phone or an app even though I’ve no need to.
I don’t feel as stressed. I have calmed down. I’ve put my work and goals to one side to do what we want to do. My fear of time is coming back to haunt me. My mind won’t rest.
My patience is getting worse. So is my spending. I’ve even had chocolate the past 4 days. I feel that is affecting me. Tiredness in full swing.
I’ve 4 days left before I go back to work. I want to enjoy myself. Stop haunting me time.