Authenticity Kick Starter Course
Day 10, Part 1 > Fear is holding me back. The fear of failure. The fear I’m going to start something again and I hate it. Fear that I’m doing something just because and not know what I truly want or doing the right thing.
Next week, my partner and I are going to Rome, we’re going through a rocky patch and there are some difficult conversations that need to be had. During this holiday I feel I should use the time to try to establish a re-connection and have some, if not all, the difficult conversations.
My achievement today: Completed all of my mileage evidence from my previous job.
My authenticity kick starter course; I’ve decided to put on hold until I get back from Rome. Early in the morning, I’ll be getting on a plane with my fiance. I’m not 100% I want to marry anymore. How did I get here? How did I get to the point in feeling different about our relationship?
Maybe our holiday away will give some answers. I can’t even say when my feelings changed or whether my heart or mind is taking the lead. Sometimes I feel I’m miles ahead and my partner is at a standstill. Are we just growing out of or from each other? I don’t know what to say, do or how to act around him.
Being apart for the few days the past couple of weeks, I haven’t really missed him probably like I should. I’ve thought about him at times but not missed him. Am I scared of being alone? Is this all I’m good for?
Rome Day 1
Rome Day 2
Rome Day 3
Rome Day 4
I didn’t sleep well last night. I feel like I’m coming down with a cold. My body, throat and head were aching and I felt sick. Even with not feeling well, I woke better than when I went to bed.
It was time to say goodbye to Rome. The scary shuttle car ride back to the airport allowed us to see some of the sights again. I’m just glad I didn’t have to drive while in Rome. I didn’t feel comfortable as a passenger. However, we got to the airport in one piece. The plane journey back my body ached in parts.
Once we landed it was just to find the car and then I could drive home and go to bed. Unfortunately, that wasn’t meant to be. My car wouldn’t unlock, once I did get in with the lock and key my car wouldn’t start. In my 10 years of driving, I’ve never had to call a breakdown company, until today. I pretty much guessed right that it was a dead battery. I would have cried to the point that I nearly did. But that wasn’t gonna achieve anything.
After an hour of waiting, it was confirmed my battery was dead. The repair guy; John was able to get it started again but I was still none the wiser as to why. Until possibly 10 minutes later I noticed my light above was on constant, not just for when the door opens. That’ll do it.
We got home in the end, me desperate for a wee. My aches and pains still happening; a cold for definite. This evening I’ve had scenes out of films come into my head. One I believe I’ve found to be Arctic Blast but the other is too generic for me to pinpoint the film.
I’m back home in my bed. I enjoyed my holiday but I’m glad to be back.
Watched: A Monster Calls > 3.5 out of 5
Authenticity Circle – Stratejoy
Intention: Allowing myself to be authentic in my life with myself and others. Find a route to help me to be so. Answer the questions honestly to figure out things going through my head.
Reaction: Fear and expectations stopping. Heavy heart. Is my truth really my truth? Seeing cracks in my life. Letting authenticity bubble to the surface. I can’t please everyone. I need to please myself. Strength measured by picking my heart off the floor and being me. Trust in my own strength.
Authenticity is something to be proud of, to love. Other people cannot judge your authenticity; it’s you. They’ll love you for you. You know in your heart what you want and the life you want to live so do it! Stop letting fear and other peoples expectations stop you. Stop me.
I need to figure out who I am, what brings me joy, turns me on, what my yeses and nos’ are. Then how I want to show who I am, where and with whom. I want to show up. I don’t feel I’m connect with my authentic self right now. I don’t know where I lost it. But I do know I want it back. How to figure out who I am is something that scares me but a journey I want to take.
History: I can’t pinpoint when I’ve felt like I’ve been myself. I feel I’ve been myself but others have judged and shot me down. I’ve stopped being myself, being the way they want me to be. Being reserved. I’ve felt disconnected a few times, mainly when my mental health has been bad. Right now, I feel dis-interested with most things in my life. I don’t know where to go, or what to do with anything.
I feel it’s safe to be myself in certain areas of my life, with certain people in my life. I guess it’s the fear of judgement stopping me and what others are expecting from me. If I can be myself to certain people I should be able to be myself with all. I guess being authentic is currently out of my comfort zone.
Watched: Bait > 2 out of 5
I’m feeling dis-interested about most of the things in my life. Dave is a big part of that disinterest. I’m sure I could do or say something that could change it but right now going through a cold I don’t want to be doing much. I pretty much have watched telly the past 2 days. I did go do some shopping this morning and had my hair done. But with the wet, cold, windy weather it didn’t make me feel better.
I’ve felt shocking and lack of energy today. I felt better as the day went on and was able to eat something. I told Dave about me wanting to cancel the wedding and having no desire for sex until my feelings change for me. I got an OK in reply.
Watched: Escape Plan > 2.5 out of 5
Father of the Year > 2 out of 5
Velvet Buzzsaw > 1 out of 5
I had a better nights sleep. Which I hope continues tonight. I got up and went to my volunteer place. Pushing the wheelbarrow in the mud and still recovering from my cold was interesting. In the end, one of the owners said I looked like I needed a hug. I basically came home and watched films all day with Dave. I’ve no motivation for anything and Dave is letting me just watch films. I did do some washing I suppose.
But I need to get myself out of my funk. Tomorrow is no telly day so I can’t turn on the telly, much to my current dismay. I’ve plenty of things I could be doing. I could also try living the life I claim I want. At this rate, I’m gonna be a telly addict that dies alone in front of the telly.
With the wedding officially cancelled there are some things that need to be sorted out there too. Do I have commitment problems? Or do I just not wanna commit to Dave? All these things and more I need to figure out but I keep procrastinating.
Finished: The Gifts of Imperfections by Brene Brown
Authenticity Kick Starter Course
Day six, Part 1 Continued: I did get my nails done that weekend 🙂 I had my hair done this weekend too. I think it will be harder for me this next weekend as I’m working nights. Sleep during the day is important but I feel I need to do something else for myself too.
Day nine, Part 1 Continued: With my relationship, I feel I have lost connection I had between us that was once there. That something needs to change with the both of us and the connection to come back for there to be a future that would be great. Two months ago I told my partner about the loss of connection and lack of support I felt. Since then I haven’t felt any change other then the anger has gone. With the anger gone, I still not feeling any connections and changes yet that is helping me to see much more of a future going forward.
Day nine, Part 2 Continued: That’s a very good question, I have no idea what I would be doing if I was in my Zone of Genius.
Day ten, Part 1 Continued: Failure is something I have been telling myself that shouldn’t happen. Failure is something that I’m not allowed to do or others to see me do. I guess what worries me about failure is that the hurt and embarrassment that comes with it. That I don’t take risks because this is something that could happen and it’s not something I want to happen. I stay mostly where it is safe and it isn’t doing me any favours. I want to have a love and the support without having to push or ask for it all of the time. I want natural flow in a relationship. One where I don’t have to make all of the decisions or plan our road for our future. Right now brave communication would be sitting down and having it without feeling sick or anxiety rising up in me.
I’m definitely retreating back into myself and using watching telly to escape daily matters as well as the communications I need to have. Thus isn’t helping my feelings of disconnection and loneliness. I need to sort myself out and get my act into gear into knowing what I want.
The past couple of days I’ve had the idea of adding an extra day to my no telly Tuesdays. I have four days off a week. I can’t be spending 3/4 of them in front of the telly. I’m not gonna be able to life my life that way. I’ve decided to include Thursday to make it no telly Tuesday and Thursday.
I wanna get myself and my act into gear and sitting in front of the telly isn’t gonna help. Especially if I wanna figure out my feelings towards Dave and I. I can’t feel them if I don’t get myself involved with my feelings.
A friend of mine got me a ‘Take a Minute’ journal for my last birthday. I’ve used it to reflect 6 times. 3 fully and 3 I started but never completed. Since I haven’t done much else in it. Today I got it out and did a appreciate page.
Today I’ve appreciated having a me day. Dave and I did a couple jobs first thing this morning and walked the dogs. Since then, around 11am, I’ve done what I’ve wanted to do as the day has gone on. I even got a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle out and spent a couple hours doing it while listening to music.
I forgot how much I missed this. It’s been pretty much a year since I last did that and that was when I lived in the old place before moving in with Dave. It’s definitely something I wanna continue doing more of. Plus using the ‘Take a Minute’ journal too. Especially the connection and smile sections.