A Goal of No Chocolate

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

It’s always good to spend time with my dad and step mum. I didn’t feel guilty about having a whole afternoon/evening watching telly.

My dad is uncomfortable going far for long. He finds it easier to stay in. As he had already been out that day. Telly it was. The main feeling I had today was a sudden onset of tiredness.

One moment I was perfectly fine. Then, the next, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I’m blaming the 2/3 of chocolate share bag I had.

A part of me thinks that’s crazy. But the other thinks what else could it be?

I’ve had plenty of lay ins this week. Not busy at all. There shouldn’t be a reason for me to feel that tired, that quickly. Three more weeks until my doctors’ appointment.

I said to my other half: “I’m not gonna have chocolate”.

Not the first time I’ve said that. May not be the last. Won’t feel any different if I don’t try.

Goal: No Chocolate

On another note:

I went to the sexual health clinic today. As I’ve had a swab towards the beginning of this year which was normal. There wasn’t a lot the nurse could do for me. She did take a blood sample to rule out HIV and another, that has slipped my mind.

So, she’s booked me into a walk in clinic, in three weeks time, to see a doctor. May not help. But it might do. Will see what they say.

Always a waiting game.

A Road to Less What Ifs

I think I’m a quitter. Keeping up with things, facing challenges or the fear of what lies ahead. I just walk away. I remember saying “I don’t want to do this”

I remember saying “I don’t want to do this” about dance classes when I was a kid. Thankfully, I got over stage fright in secondary school.

I did one day of girl guides. I remember crying in my mum’s arms. Couldn’t give you the reason now.

I jump from one thing to another. My attention span is short.

I say I’m a quitter. I should say I used to be a quitter.

I get scared, fear things. Anxiety flaring.

But I’m better. Not 100% better. But better enough that I take responsibility.

I say I’m scared. I fear the unknown.

I don’t just give up. I still stop doing things or can’t be arsed when I know I should. On the road to recovery. I have a long way to go. I have many unknown lessons in life to learn. Fear won’t get me through. As far as any nerves I have. I need to use them positively.

Help me to push through. To enjoy every moment of life. See all I should face. So that I don’t have to say What IF?

Being Alone

There was a time when all I wanted was to be home alone. Be in a house where I could do my own thing and when I wanted. Well, it’s not so great after all. My parents left this morning on a two-night getaway.

Which fair enough is great.

But they took the dogs with them. So the house is empty and quiet. There’s no pottering, barking. No doggie cuddles.

It’s lonely. It’s not a feeling I like. I like being on my own but I don’t like being totally alone. If I have to be on my own, I would like the dogs around me. Maybe next time, I should borrow someone else’s dog.  I did write about

I did write about the telly before writing this. But I wasn’t happy with it. Most of the evening I have been watching telly. I wrote while doing so. What I wrote is at the bottom of this post. 

Note to self. Only write when in a quiet area. No telly watching.

Telly watching is usually my procrastination activity. Although, I do love a good Greys Anatomy marathon. Watching telly can put me into a funk. Causing my foggy mind to get darker. I need to change this.

Getting out of a funk is hard. Why am I doing something that’s causing it in the first place?

Goal: Reduce watching telly and have no telly days.

It all must help, right?

 


Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, my hours have reduced this week. So I’ve had extra time on my hands. Today I’ve been productive. Then I turned the telly on! 

Every so often the telly is my friend. Currently on a Greys Anatomy marathon. So good. 

But the telly is also my enemy. Watching too much gets me into a funk. It’s something I need to be careful of, now that I’m aware of it. Well, I’ve been aware of it for awhile. It’s not something I’ve admitted to myself. It’s not something I’ve fixed. It needs to stop. 

Stop the funk. I’m even affecting my writing this evening. So I’m making a goal.

Goal: Reduce my telly watching. Have no telly days. 

Relaxation Techniques

I had a little scare a while ago. All due to idiots on the road. Causing another car to nearly tip over and head straight in my direction. On a 60mph road no less. The idiot driver trying to over take within a dip/corner. Noone thankfully bumped into another.

When I saw the car coming towards me, my heart felt like it was gonna jump out of my chest. I had to stop myself from crying. Used the breathing in and out technique. Luckily I did some of my relaxation module before I left the house. The breathing technique was one I tried.

Breathing Technique

I had to stand bare footed, eyes closed, hands on lower stomach. Breathing in through my nose to the bottom of my stomach. Then breathe out through my mouth. Repeat.

Well, at the time of doing this standing up in my room, I just felt frustrated in myself. But now I’m glad. It’s helped me calm myself and prevent a panic/crying attack in the car. Not what you want before turning up to a customer home.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

I also tried the progressive muscle relaxation technique before I left for work. This didn’t help me in the car. But I left it released some tension in my muscles before I left for work.

This technique involved inhaling through the nose as you tighten muscles and exhale through the mouth as you release the tension in the muscles.

I did this while lying on my back, palms up and feet to their sides. When breathing in, focus on one body part at a time, e.g. left leg. Tense all the muscles in this body part. When breathing out, relax all muscles.

Do this with all the muscles in the body, including the face and buttocks. In-between each body part, have a breathe in and out to help relaxation.

After this one, I felt my muscle tingle, like they were starting to relax. There was another technique but I didn’t want to spoil a good thing. I’ll do that another time. To properly relax, it says to repeat techniques daily, getting into the habit.

Goal: Relaxation Techniques

 

What is Life Teaching You?

“Take an honest inventory of the education you already have – the years you have lived, the trials you have endured, the skills you have learned along the way”

“If you are a young person, open your eyes wide and let the world educate you to the fullest extent”

by Elizabeth Gilbert

I don’t remember much of my childhood. I have some home videos that were made during this time. Watching them, I know I’m watching myself, either on my own or with family members.

But I don’t remember these events happening. I suppose the videos put something in my mind about how I was brought up. If it wasn’t for these videos, I wouldn’t even know about the start of my life.

Memories are strange things. What inside our brains decided which memories to remember or to forget? Where do they go the ones we’ve forgotten?

In 2013 I started scrapbooking. Both for photos and mementoes. At first, I needed to collect everything I did and place something in one of these books. Now I want to keep the important memories. I keep tickets, old cards, letters. I buy a post card when visiting somewhere new. This postcard can represent the whole day. Rather than buying stuff just for the sake of doing so.

Now I want to keep the important memories. I keep tickets, old cards, letters. I buy a post card when visiting somewhere new. This postcard can represent the whole day. Rather than buying stuff just for the sake of doing so.

Least my home doesn’t get cluttered. Neither do my memories.

The earliest memory that I do remember, is me playing in the back garden at one of my old houses. Going in because of the rain. The next morning realising that I’d left a school book outside.

I guess that sticks in my mind for the fact I need to take responsibility for the things I own/borrow.

Going through school wasn’t very entertaining. I got through it just like everyone else. I had people bullying me due to the fact I was thin or that most of my friends were guys. Still are to this day.

I overcame stage fright, dancing. My confidence has always been low, socially. I put my head down and got on with the work. Found I was good at IT. Enjoyed reading.

By the time you’re supposed to know what you want to do with your life. I didn’t. I was good at things so they were the subjects I continued to learn. As staying in education was what I thought I had to do.

From this, even though I love to learn, I couldn’t stick to learning in an education setting. I’ve a ton of qualifications. Most I don’t even use anymore or remember what I learnt.

I worked alongside education. I’ve been a pizza takeaway assistant, a play centre assistant, a bakery assistant, a leisure assistant, a stockroom assistant, a kennel assistant, a trainee veterinary nurse, a care assistant. I’ve volunteered at a couple of animal charities along the way too.

An assistant is something I seem to be drawn too. From each of my roles, I’ve learned what I do or don’t like, or want to help in some way. I just can’t do it in certain ways.

My mums’ ex-husbands have taught me what I don’t want from a guy. Even her current husband, still teaches me I don’t want hostility in the house.

It doesn’t matter how old or young you are. Life teaches us things all the time. Nothing is likely to change that. What we learn, teaches us about ourselves, how we want to behave, what we want to do. How and if we share this with others.

Elizabeth Gilbert so far has taught me that writing is for yourself. Be the creativity you want to be. That’s what makes your work original and authentic. Everyone may have an opinion, may pigeonhole your work. But what others do with or say about your work once you’ve shared it can’t be controlled by yourself.

But what others do with or say about your work once you’ve shared it can’t be controlled by yourself. It shouldn’t be.

How your work/creativity works for yourself is the most important thing.

Ups and Downs

I said I would be honest with myself. I want to be honest with myself. I forgot about journaling today. I’m not sure how, but it slipped my mind. I guess I was that tired. I felt tired most of the day.

It was a mother-daughter day today trip to Bolsover Castle to see the Cavendish horses. A late birthday treat. It’s nice spending time with my mum. It’s not something we’re able to do often enough.

Lately, it has been dog walking once every one to two weeks we’ve been able to squeeze in together.

She made a note that I walked slightly funny. Something to keep an eye on.


Out of me and my other half, I’m the only one that drives. I drive for my job and all personal outings. Plus the picking up and dropping off. Lately, I’ve felt like a taxi and resented driving.

I mentioned that we need to talk about driving today once I’d left him for the day. Because I wanted to talk face to face. We had to wait until the evening to talk it through.

This caused me to run scenarios in my head. Like role playing what could happen. Not that any of the scenarios would actually happen. It’s something I find hard to shake off.

It wasn’t just my driving conversation going through my head. I also have plans for tomorrow; a walk and lunch with friends. This was running through my mind as well.

I’m hoping the positive steps course with the therapist helps shake these off.

The driving conversation went well in the end. My other half said he’d be happy to learn to drive again. So I will contact my uncle tomorrow and see if he is willing to help us out.

Communication Break Point

I said something to my other half today. It took me a while to do so. Plus at first, I didn’t think I had to say anything. Well, I know our communication has been shit lately. So I needed to say something at some point. I guess today, hit a breaking point for me.

It all happened because of dinner.

We may be in our mid to late twenties but he is still very spoilt.

He said his mum had texted him asking if he would like her to get him a steak for dinner and to ask me what I would like.

After I breathed through my annoyance of the fact he’s not as independent as I’d like him to be. Relying on his parents and cannot think or take responsibility for much in life. When saying that I think ‘why am I with him?’ Thankfully he’s a nice guy and has a life. Just doesn’t know of life.

I said I’ll find something in the house or have a snack. He replied to his mum, I don’t know what.

He then made a statement that he needed things from the supermarket. His way of asking apparently. So, I picked up some pasta and sauce as I wasn’t that hungry. My dinner sorted. Once at his and his mum home. She asked me what we were having for dinner. “I thought you were getting steak for him?”

“I thought you were getting steak for him?”  I said.

“That’s not what he replied,” she said.

His mum showed me the text he’d sent; ‘it’s OK, thank you, we’ll sort ourselves out’. But didn’t tell me this.

I didn’t say anything to him at first. Thankfully his mum had brought steak anyways and some extra salmon so I could have some. Pasta and sauce can wait for another day.

Once the film we were watching finished; A Girl on the Train. A one time watcher. I asked him why he didn’t tell me what he’d said to his mum.

“I forgot. I was pissed off with my manager”. His own fault by the way.

So I told him he needed to remember and tell me these things straight away. That I feel disconnected from us because we are not communicating. Things need to change.

So, we’ll see if they’ll change.