One of my Paths so Far

Next week will be my last therapy session. These 5 weeks have flown by. No doubt the next week will do the same. I’m glad I’ve attended the sessions. It’s given me the awareness that having a conversation does help.

Neither I or the counsellor went into the room with an agenda. Conversation flowed, obviously the topic was me.

In tonight’s session, we got onto me finding a sense of purpose and satisfaction in my job, the nature of my job anyway. That it’s my first time feeling like this is what I wanna do with my life. We spoke about why I didn’t feel this way about my other jobs or career routes.

Growing up, like any other kid I imagine has: I wanna be…. when I get older. I believe mine were: dancer or a vet. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I was good at ICT, so I went down that route. I got into my third month at university, I withdrew myself. I was bored.

I’ve always had a love for animals, so I started volunteering around paid work. After a while, I decided I’d like to work with animals. I applied for an Animal Management and Welfare degree. I got in.

Got working at kennels, volunteered when I could. Past first year. Did my placement year, all still while working. Around this time my mental health declined. The first time I was affected. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t understand myself. Saw doctors, had telephone counselling, getting towards my final year at university.

I was beginning to get excited again. I also was having this unsettling feeling I couldn’t explain. I just ignored it and carried on. At Christmas, in my final year, I withdrew myself. I left with a Higher Certificate of Education in the degree topic and experience, working with different kinds of animals.

I just wanted to work and get my mental health back. Still working at the kennels. Still had unsettled days. A point came where I believed I needed to take the next step in my career. I got a job within a veterinary practice as a Trainee Veterinary Nurse.

I was nervous. Always. I was terrified. I was emotional. I couldn’t stay in a couple of surgeries. I had to walk out, have a sit-down. Otherwise, they’d have to clean me off the floor too.

That unsettled feeling was telling me that this isn’t it. This isn’t what I should be doing. I felt a failure. I love animals. I wanna make a difference to them. A part of me felt that if I carried on I’d lose that love for them I’ve had my whole life.

I basically took the first thing I could find job wise and ran. Into pretty much a job that wasn’t a job.

It’s been a year and nearly a half since then. I’ve been beating myself up about it periodically since. Everyone plus myself knew the animal path was for me. That was where I was supposed to be.

I’m sure if I knew now, then, I wouldn’t have beaten myself up about it. I would have been able to tell my loved ones how I felt.

Talking about this in today’s session got me to realise I’m in the right place now. Helping people is what I wanna do. Make a difference to others. That doesn’t mean I’ve lost my love for animals. Far from it. I still love animals. I still volunteer at the same place I started out at after my first university withdrawal.

I get to help and be around animals on my terms.

Having this conversation has led me to the path of forgiving myself. That I didn’t run away at that point in my life. I just wasn’t on the right path.


Watched: Atlantis: The Lost Empire > 3 out of 5

A Sense of Excitement for a Lone Day Trip

I’ve been feeling a sense of excitement. That drive in me when watching the videos and reading content within the Coaching Programme I’ve signed myself up for.

I’m really glad that is the way I’m feeling. I can’t remember feeling like this or at least it lasting a few days. Maybe I’ll fall in love with coaching as a life career.

A meeting has been scheduled for March for those within the course. The cost of the day came within the fees for the overall course cost. So accommodation and travel are all needed to pay.

Seeing as I’m paying a lot out now over the 6 months. I want to go but as long as it didn’t break the bank more. Once I found out the date, I checked my diary. It’s my Saturday off. That’s one point in favour.

I asked my mum how realistic it would be to get to the place in London from relatives. ‘It’ll be all the different tube lines you’d have to navigate by yourself’. Even with my mum saying that, and both of us know how my anxiety can be.

I have been to London before but not by myself! I didn’t have to navigate the tubes. The other person did that. I just followed.

That feeling of excitement didn’t go, once this was said to me, unlike the other times I may have felt it in my life. I looked at trains. Wondered if I could get from Yorkshire to London and back in a day.

This was possible and there was a couple of trains around the course times. Another point to it’s meant to be. The price was next. At the time of checking, I could do the return journey for £50. If I paid for 2 singles. Point 3.

I would still have to use the tube once I got there to get to the venue. Thankfully the rail page said the options and the direct route. All I’d have to do on the day is get on the correct one and pay nearer the time for the cost of the tube.

Next was my talk with Dave, seeing as I’d spent, pretty much what he’d saved this month. I sent him a message, he was at work, I knew I wasn’t gonna get a reply straight away.

Everything else was leading me towards going. I needed to go as well as wanted to go. It will be my first coaching event to attend as the student. It’ll be the first time I’m going somewhere by myself for myself. None of my support system to hold my hand in any way.

My anxiety will boil over on the day. Every fibre in me was screaming this is it. You’ve got to do this for you or you’ll never accomplish an ambition of yours.

Without waiting for Daves’ response, I booked the train tickets. When I did get a response he was all for it and willing to pay for my ticket. Having the support of Dave, even though my crazy mind at times, just fuels that joy in me. Others may not be as excited as I am. But I need to do this for me. No matter the outcome.

This wasn’t exactly what I had in mind when I thought of picking my journal up. Insights and lightbulb moments was the topic. But as soon as my pen got to paper, what you read is what came out. Clearly, it what I needed to write today. Insights and lightbulb moments will have to wait.

Stage Fright

I’ve always cared about what others thought of me and what I do. I was shy when I was younger. I got stage fright when I had drama or dance. Drama was the worst because of the speaking. The quiet voice starts.

Dancing did help me overcome expressing movement and my stage fright. It took 5 years of secondary school for me to overcome it. I danced on stage at the front not caring about the audience.

Then school ended. Anxiety and Depression worked its way into my mind. I retreated into myself. I became shy, even more so. The quiet voice shined.

Now, I’m slightly shy. My quiet voice comes out when I’m anxious. But I’m slowly getting over my life stage fright. My anxiety and depression are a long way off to being controlled completely by me. I’m still scared by what people think. Thankfully, not all the time now.

Majority of the people I know don’t know it’s me on my blog. Once, if they do, what if things change. I don’t want to jeopardise my writing I’ve been honest about on here. But I still want to be honest with them.

Showing my face on my blog is something that scares me. I made a video today of me signing the British Sign Language Alphabet to help me in my learning. I’m proud of myself for doing it. I muted myself so no-one can hear my voice. Clearly, being a video, I can be seen.

I’d like to share it on my blog. But life stage fright and the thoughts of others, especially those I know terrify me. Even though most aren’t apart of my life today.

I shouldn’t feel this way. But I do….

Hard Truths

I’ve said something to Dave. Afer my relationship rant a couple of nights ago. Avoidance. I have been open about my feelings. It’s funny he can tell I’m annoyed, irritable or any other word you wanna use over text message but not face to face.

Maybe I’m a good actress after all.

He knows I’m irritable and bored with our relationship. Told him the reasons why I felt this way. He said “Fair enough, I’ll work on that”.

It’s not the first time I’ve said something to him. Back in July, when I was going through a particularly bad patch of anxiety and depression. Before I went on my medication. I spoke to him about not feeling connected etc.

That has improved but because of how I’ve come to feel, that connection has reduced again. I don’t wanna keep going around in circles.

I’ve told a couple of my friends about how I’m feeling. One of which I’m meeting up with for lunch in a couple of days. It’ll be interesting what she has to say face to face. Being able to tell all the details. Well, at least my side of things.

The other half hasn’t been forthcoming about his feelings. Even though, I’ve just received a message about the first sort out of 2018 is gonna be to see if can get a mortgage.

Might be an idea to sort out our relationship first. But hey ho, see what happens.

Feelings towards our Relationship

Worried he loves me more then I love him. Irritable and bored with our relationship. I’m home after spending the day together. We didn’t have a proper conversation. There are times I feel like it’s a parent/child relationship rather than adults.

I thought in the car home that he needs drive and initiative. Kicked up the arse – he needs to step up. Be the guy in the relationship. Make a decision. Do something without me having to prompt him.

Feeling like it’s not gonna last. I know I need to speak to him. But it’s not the first time I’ve had to say something.

Curiosity over Anxiety. Leading to Pleasure?

Getting comfortable and enjoying sex means I have to be comfortable talking about it. Whether to myself about how I feel or not in regards to my sex life or with other people as a topic.

Sex has come up as a topic between me and a close friend a number of times in the past. A trusted friend. We can tell each other anything without judgement and get advice if it’s needed.

Most of these conversations in the past have caused anxiety to build within me. Pleasure in life, including sexual pleasure, is something I wanna experience unconditionally. When I wanna joy life, I wanna enjoy it in the bedroom too.

Our conversation was slightly different this evening. Mainly I didn’t get that anxiety. I was more curious than anything. I want that curiosity over anxiety going forward.

Mindset switched possibly? The first step to experiencing pleasure?

Fear: Driving in Snow

I’m a little worried about tomorrow. We have a weather warning that it’s going to snow and get colder. I like the look of snow, but driving around in it scares me. Last November when I started being a community care assistant, I was lucky with the 2016 winter.

We pretty much had no snow.

This year it has been cold long before the winter season started. I knew it was gonna be a bad one. Tomorrow is or may be the start of that.

I’m going to get over my fear of driving in the snow. I’m gonna have to get on with my job. I’ll certainly be doing the exposure therapy I was taught. I’ve set my alarm for 15 minutes before I would usually get up.

I can do this!!