Anticipation for an Anwser

We haven’t heard back from the estate agents. We informed them that we’re greeting with the vendor on the price. Last we heard it shouldn’t be a problem as the vendor put the offer forward.

Still waiting. If I haven’t heard anything by my break tomorrow, I’m gonna give them a ring.

I’m holding my anxiety and dread inside. I’m a little quieter than normal this evening. That anticipation isn’t good for me.

Let’s keep our fingers crossed we’ll hear good news tomorrow.

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Work anxiety melted away + No internet week coming to an end

I believe I have been accepted by the customer. I was on my own at tea time and I felt it went well. I wasn’t asked to leave.

It’s been nearly 2 weeks without internet. It’s been nice but at the same time, it’s taken its toll on my mobile data. I say that like it isn’t my fault but it is. Games and videos don’t mind well without WiFi.

Work can still make me anxious

Today I felt sick due to being anxious in a long while. I shadowed another carer on a call to meet a customer new to me. I believe I felt sick because I knew I would either be accepted or not. I’m glad I had customer around that call that I knew.

Thankfully, I was accepted. I’m on my own tomorrow with the customer. I feel better about going. Hopefully, I’ll have no sick feeling.

Do I have an attitude?

Waking up next to Dave knowing it’s gonna be every morning and not once or twice a week, was a good feeling. Getting up to go to work early, smiling at his sleeping self, set me up nicely for the day.

The thing that has been playing on my mind, is how to be honest and say what needs to be said without coming across as having an attitude. I don’t know whether that’s just how I’m perceiving myself as such or if I’ve an attitude when doing so.

It may be the former. No one has come out and said anything to me. If I am, would they? I’d like to think so.

I’d have been an anxiety-fueled, emotional wreck of a cannonball

I’ve kicked myself into gear a little. I’ve done the majority of my wardrobe. I now have clothes curtains for the next couple weeks.

It’s hitting me more now that we’re moving. The doing is getting me excited.


I’m getting closer to finishing my NVQ. I’m now at 90.7%. It’s so close but still feels so far. I’ve also started my Life Coach level 2.


I’m feeling positive about life right now. So much has changed in 2018 already, it’s somewhat unbelievable that 2017 was life a demolition in ways. It was a hard year and I coped well but not very well.

Understanding that my mind is creating thoughts that I don’t need to give attention to, waking up the awareness of that conscious freedom is liberating.

This time last year, if I had a fully planned out day like today, where things didn’t go to plan, I’d have been an anxiety-fueled, emotional wreck of a cannonball. I would not have coped.

Today I accepted and the day felt like a breeze. Even when things didn’t go to plan. With the bonus of achieving approximately 11,871 steps.

Are you being yourself?

Growing up, even still to this day people tell me to be yourself. In my 26 years of life so far, is it the ‘norm’ to know who I am, where I wanna be and what my life is gonna hold?
My mind processed all the information around me. I either see and understand it or I don’t.
I know what my past journey has been like. I’ve had ups and downs. In and out of the doctors, with this or that wrong with me. I’ve gained and lost friends. I’ve lost myself and found myself again. My anxiety, my depression has been ruling me. Anti-depressants within my system.
I’ve backed out. I’ve run away. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I’ve lied. I’ve been kind. I’ve been cruel. I’ve been many more a type of person.
Do I know who I am? Not entirely. I know what I feel, what I think and a path is in view. My past doesn’t define me. Yes, it is my past. It always will be. My past isn’t who I am today.
I can tell you some of my likes, dislikes. My aspirations. The person I want you to see me as. The legacy I wanna leave behind. That’s only a part of me.
My thoughts have been rolling around my head, all my life. Thoughts, I’ve had to deal with. Thoughts that have stopped me doing or saying something. Thoughts that have been positive but have been pushed to one side, hiding in the darkness of the negativity bullying their way forward.
My thoughts are just that: thoughts.
They are balloons floating by. Until one keeps getting bigger, ready to burst, needing my attention. After letting out some air, the balloon is safe to continue, floating, gently over the horizon.
Thoughts are transient. Short-lived. Thoughts come and go. These thoughts have been weathering a storm, bursting for too long.
That gentle flow towards the horizon, the calm, lightening up my days. I’m becoming conscious of myself and the world I’m in. Starting to live for me. Not for others and certainly not for my thoughts.
My mind is open to endless possibilities. Insights.
I can’t tell the future. Tomorrow I’ll be myself and more. Continuing to grow each day. My consciousness emerging in all areas, freeing my mind of thoughts. Allowing me to shine through.

One of my Paths so Far

Next week will be my last therapy session. These 5 weeks have flown by. No doubt the next week will do the same. I’m glad I’ve attended the sessions. It’s given me the awareness that having a conversation does help.

Neither I or the counsellor went into the room with an agenda. Conversation flowed, obviously the topic was me.

In tonight’s session, we got onto me finding a sense of purpose and satisfaction in my job, the nature of my job anyway. That it’s my first time feeling like this is what I wanna do with my life. We spoke about why I didn’t feel this way about my other jobs or career routes.

Growing up, like any other kid I imagine has: I wanna be…. when I get older. I believe mine were: dancer or a vet. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I was good at ICT, so I went down that route. I got into my third month at university, I withdrew myself. I was bored.

I’ve always had a love for animals, so I started volunteering around paid work. After a while, I decided I’d like to work with animals. I applied for an Animal Management and Welfare degree. I got in.

Got working at kennels, volunteered when I could. Past first year. Did my placement year, all still while working. Around this time my mental health declined. The first time I was affected. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t understand myself. Saw doctors, had telephone counselling, getting towards my final year at university.

I was beginning to get excited again. I also was having this unsettling feeling I couldn’t explain. I just ignored it and carried on. At Christmas, in my final year, I withdrew myself. I left with a Higher Certificate of Education in the degree topic and experience, working with different kinds of animals.

I just wanted to work and get my mental health back. Still working at the kennels. Still had unsettled days. A point came where I believed I needed to take the next step in my career. I got a job within a veterinary practice as a Trainee Veterinary Nurse.

I was nervous. Always. I was terrified. I was emotional. I couldn’t stay in a couple of surgeries. I had to walk out, have a sit-down. Otherwise, they’d have to clean me off the floor too.

That unsettled feeling was telling me that this isn’t it. This isn’t what I should be doing. I felt a failure. I love animals. I wanna make a difference to them. A part of me felt that if I carried on I’d lose that love for them I’ve had my whole life.

I basically took the first thing I could find job wise and ran. Into pretty much a job that wasn’t a job.

It’s been a year and nearly a half since then. I’ve been beating myself up about it periodically since. Everyone plus myself knew the animal path was for me. That was where I was supposed to be.

I’m sure if I knew now, then, I wouldn’t have beaten myself up about it. I would have been able to tell my loved ones how I felt.

Talking about this in today’s session got me to realise I’m in the right place now. Helping people is what I wanna do. Make a difference to others. That doesn’t mean I’ve lost my love for animals. Far from it. I still love animals. I still volunteer at the same place I started out at after my first university withdrawal.

I get to help and be around animals on my terms.

Having this conversation has led me to the path of forgiving myself. That I didn’t run away at that point in my life. I just wasn’t on the right path.


Watched: Atlantis: The Lost Empire > 3 out of 5