Work Effecting Mood

I’m day 2 of my 7 day work week. I’m already tired, dreaming of my NVQ to finish so I can change jobs. Even though I’ve still got a couple of months left to wait for that. I am grateful, due to how my annual leave has fallen, that I now get 5 weekends off in a row.

I’m also proud of myself for saying no to a call I was asked to add to my already packed day. If I had said yes, I wouldn’t have been able to have my 1/2 hour break at my grandparents to have my dinner.

I’m grateful for my grandparents for allowing me to pop in between calls, otherwise, I’d be eating out of a lunchbox, in a layby, in the dark. At this time of year, I don’t feel comfortable with that. Being at my grandparents meant I could have a proper meal and a hot one.

A good nights sleep will hopefully get me into a more positive mood again.

One of my Paths so Far

Next week will be my last therapy session. These 5 weeks have flown by. No doubt the next week will do the same. I’m glad I’ve attended the sessions. It’s given me the awareness that having a conversation does help.

Neither I or the counsellor went into the room with an agenda. Conversation flowed, obviously the topic was me.

In tonight’s session, we got onto me finding a sense of purpose and satisfaction in my job, the nature of my job anyway. That it’s my first time feeling like this is what I wanna do with my life. We spoke about why I didn’t feel this way about my other jobs or career routes.

Growing up, like any other kid I imagine has: I wanna be…. when I get older. I believe mine were: dancer or a vet. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I was good at ICT, so I went down that route. I got into my third month at university, I withdrew myself. I was bored.

I’ve always had a love for animals, so I started volunteering around paid work. After a while, I decided I’d like to work with animals. I applied for an Animal Management and Welfare degree. I got in.

Got working at kennels, volunteered when I could. Past first year. Did my placement year, all still while working. Around this time my mental health declined. The first time I was affected. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t understand myself. Saw doctors, had telephone counselling, getting towards my final year at university.

I was beginning to get excited again. I also was having this unsettling feeling I couldn’t explain. I just ignored it and carried on. At Christmas, in my final year, I withdrew myself. I left with a Higher Certificate of Education in the degree topic and experience, working with different kinds of animals.

I just wanted to work and get my mental health back. Still working at the kennels. Still had unsettled days. A point came where I believed I needed to take the next step in my career. I got a job within a veterinary practice as a Trainee Veterinary Nurse.

I was nervous. Always. I was terrified. I was emotional. I couldn’t stay in a couple of surgeries. I had to walk out, have a sit-down. Otherwise, they’d have to clean me off the floor too.

That unsettled feeling was telling me that this isn’t it. This isn’t what I should be doing. I felt a failure. I love animals. I wanna make a difference to them. A part of me felt that if I carried on I’d lose that love for them I’ve had my whole life.

I basically took the first thing I could find job wise and ran. Into pretty much a job that wasn’t a job.

It’s been a year and nearly a half since then. I’ve been beating myself up about it periodically since. Everyone plus myself knew the animal path was for me. That was where I was supposed to be.

I’m sure if I knew now, then, I wouldn’t have beaten myself up about it. I would have been able to tell my loved ones how I felt.

Talking about this in today’s session got me to realise I’m in the right place now. Helping people is what I wanna do. Make a difference to others. That doesn’t mean I’ve lost my love for animals. Far from it. I still love animals. I still volunteer at the same place I started out at after my first university withdrawal.

I get to help and be around animals on my terms.

Having this conversation has led me to the path of forgiving myself. That I didn’t run away at that point in my life. I just wasn’t on the right path.


Watched: Atlantis: The Lost Empire > 3 out of 5

NVQ Drawing to the End?

After 4 hours spend with my NVQ assessor, I’ve done 14% more with a total of 75% complete. 2 more set meetings, which she says I may finish in February rather then March/April time when I first asked if I could finish any earlier.

I’m so glad it’s been moved up a month. It’s given me that light at the end of the tunnel feeling. That early next year I can potentially look for another job and tick completion of my NVQ off my goal list.

I Asked!

One of the things I’m not happy with in my life is the instability of my job. I seem to work a lot of hours a week without much of a return. Don’t get me wrong; I love caring for people. I need to do so in a stable, permanent, fixed hour position.

I would look for another job. I even have one in mind. One thing is stopping me. My NVQ. My current employer kindly paid for my NVQ. Meaning I had to sign a contract to say I would repay it back if I left before, 3 months after it was completed. After this time, I don’t have to pay them back.

I’m about halfway through my NVQ. I feel it is going slow. One: I haven’t done a lot to say I’ve got a qualification at the end of it. Two: I wish it was over. I’ve been wishing it would hurry up and end. Not good really with my fear of time.

This wishing isn’t gonna help me. Plus, wishing isn’t gonna get it done. I’m due to meet with my assessor on Friday. I’ve already sent an email asking if there was any way I could complete my NVQ sooner. I got a reply saying we’ll discuss on Friday.

I don’t know what my options are yet. I’ll have to wait until then. But instead of wishing, I took the risk and asked.

Job Questioning

I’m not really sure what to do about my job. I know I don’t wanna do it or should I say I don’t wanna be doing it how the role I’m in does the job. To begin with, I liked the driving about, being in different places all the time. I think the novelty has worn off.

I like caring for the customers. Helping them where I can. But it’s the travelling about and the unsuitability of being in the community I’m struggling with.

Each week is different. But not good different. In the sense, I don’t know what my rota is gonna say. I may have regular customers but I don’t have a regular pattern to my rota. Or when I feel I have one. It changes again.

I need structure, routine. Be able to know when and where I need to be in advance. Being able to plan things help me.

To be able to have a full day where I’m not anxious to look at my phone just in case its work. I need to be honest but I don’t wanna lose my job.

Anyone been in a situation like this?

The thing that’s stopping me from just looking for another job is my NVQ. My employer paid for my course fees. If I leave before three months after its completion, I have to pay them back.

I don’t know the cost. I did ask at the end of my module hand in email the cost but not sure whether they’ll be able to tell me. I have a week until the remote call. See what happens next week on the job front.

Accusation

Well, I’m clearly having one of them weeks. Went to the office for my afternoon working. My manager had forgotten I was coming. No computer for me to use. The accused me of doing something I hadn’t done! Instead of the five hours, I had planned to be there, was there for half an hour.

Instead of the five hours, I had planned to be there, was there for half an hour.

I think that all who work on business computers know that they shouldn’t use them for personal use. Apparently, after I have left on Monday, a part of a CV was found/printed. So, I got the blame.

Out of all the colleagues, my manager only knows me who has worked with animals, has the qualifications in that field and lived in a different part of Yorkshire. Yes, there were similarities but I’m clearly not the only one.

Once I got home, I received an apology email. Due to the half an hour in the office, it had put me in a low mood. My anger manifests as low mood I think. I’m waiting until I reply.

Let’s hope next weeks trip to the office goes better.


Not much happened for the rest of my day. When not on calls, I watched telly. Fell asleep for an hour during one program.

I really need to put my mind into reducing my telly watching.

A piece of good news. The family has expanded again. A baby girl, my new cousin was born in the early hours of this morning. Now there is just my sister-in-law ready to go or pop. two baby girls down, we believe, a baby boy yet to come into the world.

 

Wishing Away

I feel a bit reserved this morning. Not sure why. Maybe because I have my NVQ assessor to observe me tomorrow. Just some nerves on what I have to do. I’ll be glad once it’s over.

Thankfully, I haven’t had to ring the office this morning on my first trip out. Will need to clarify about one of the new customers though. I felt it went better than yesterday. But I believe things need to change.

The weekend draws near. Cannot wait for my massage on Saturday.