I wanna wean myself off my anti-depressants

I’ve deciding to start weaning myself off my anti-depressants. This isn’t the first time I’ve weaned myself off them.

If I remember correctly I did it quickly last time. This time I’m not gonna rush. I am going to do it gradually over the next year. That way I can monitor how I’m feeling.


Watched: Tomb Raider (2018) > 3.5 out of 5

Advertisements

Are you being yourself?

Growing up, even still to this day people tell me to be yourself. In my 26 years of life so far, is it the ‘norm’ to know who I am, where I wanna be and what my life is gonna hold?
My mind processed all the information around me. I either see and understand it or I don’t.
I know what my past journey has been like. I’ve had ups and downs. In and out of the doctors, with this or that wrong with me. I’ve gained and lost friends. I’ve lost myself and found myself again. My anxiety, my depression has been ruling me. Anti-depressants within my system.
I’ve backed out. I’ve run away. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I’ve lied. I’ve been kind. I’ve been cruel. I’ve been many more a type of person.
Do I know who I am? Not entirely. I know what I feel, what I think and a path is in view. My past doesn’t define me. Yes, it is my past. It always will be. My past isn’t who I am today.
I can tell you some of my likes, dislikes. My aspirations. The person I want you to see me as. The legacy I wanna leave behind. That’s only a part of me.
My thoughts have been rolling around my head, all my life. Thoughts, I’ve had to deal with. Thoughts that have stopped me doing or saying something. Thoughts that have been positive but have been pushed to one side, hiding in the darkness of the negativity bullying their way forward.
My thoughts are just that: thoughts.
They are balloons floating by. Until one keeps getting bigger, ready to burst, needing my attention. After letting out some air, the balloon is safe to continue, floating, gently over the horizon.
Thoughts are transient. Short-lived. Thoughts come and go. These thoughts have been weathering a storm, bursting for too long.
That gentle flow towards the horizon, the calm, lightening up my days. I’m becoming conscious of myself and the world I’m in. Starting to live for me. Not for others and certainly not for my thoughts.
My mind is open to endless possibilities. Insights.
I can’t tell the future. Tomorrow I’ll be myself and more. Continuing to grow each day. My consciousness emerging in all areas, freeing my mind of thoughts. Allowing me to shine through.

Film: Christine + Emotions

I wanna talk about emotions. I had a period of time where I felt low. I haven’t had a bad day. I’ve had a nice one.

What’s caused my low mood?

Watching the film Christine (2016). A career driven reporter in 1974, having frustrations at work while struggling with depression. Commits suicide live on air. Based on true events and with my understanding of mental health, the film really struck me.

Towards the end of 2017, I took a free emotion course by Dan Newby. Just an introductory one, no qualifications. To help me understand emotions more. I wrote notes, they’re in my look at me pile, laughing at me. 

At the time I took in a little. I didn’t fully understand it all. My low mood from this film has without realising until I looked at the notes that I’ve clicked on my understanding of the first model we were taught.

Phenomenon > Experience > Interpretation

I don’t know where directly this low mood came from. When watching the film, my interpretation of this experience has come from my understanding of mental health and my curiosity for true event stories.

This interpretation is how I see the world. My interpretation will be different to others. Neither of us is right or wrong. We’ve just had different interpretations from the same experience because we see the world differently.

We are all observers in the world. We see things differently. We experience different emotions, caused by the same phenomenon. So we should. That makes us who we are. It makes me who I am. It makes me;

ME.

Confidence

I’m very good at starting things. Finishing them, however, not so much. I believe I’ve got better as I’ve got older. Becoming more aware of my actions, thoughts and beliefs. I’ve many goals, a to-do list as long as my arm and a massive pile of things staring at me daily.

At times it’s like everything sits there and laughs at me. Even if I try to do something towards my goals that neverending feeling is right there in front of me. I had a look at some of the papers in this neverending pile.

I’m able to recycle 3 pieces right now. One was a second copy of another in my pile. I’ve enough, I don’t need multiple copies. The second was something that means nothing to me now. I think that’s past its date. The third is about confidence.


Confidence is something that I struggle with. I have my good days and bad days. But what does confidence mean to me? 

When I feel confident, I feel good, strong in myself, my body and actions. I’m being a best friend to myself. There’s that inner belief I can accomplish my dreams.

When I’m lacking confidence, what do I need to change?

My belief, my self-trust in me and my capabilities.

Self Trust – The learnt skill to rely on ones inner resources whether those are emotions, mental or physical to navigate the world

Self Efficiency – Your belief in your ability to succeed in specific situations or accomplish specific tasks

Molly Mahar has 21 life skills. Number 8 is “Believe in your own capability”.

  • Know I can rely on myself
  • Know I can succeed

To help build confidence I need to believe in my own capability. Have positivity motivation. Take risks. Love me. Know that I’ve/I’m taking action.

Getting Out of the Funk

Hearing the news that Demi Lovato is gonna be in the UK this June has lifted my spirits. Got me out of my 2-week funk. Thankfully one of the dates I can do.

As I know Dave isn’t as enthusiastic as I am about the concert, I’ve asked one of my friends, who I think it’s been nearly 2 years since we last saw each other. We sent letters back and forth every few months.

She said yes!

I have a good few weekends to look forward to in June. One of which is Demi Lovato and my friend.

I’m also giddy as I now have 3 full days off starting tomorrow. Fully booked too. Getting my second tattoo tomorrow and an overnight stay down south for Dave’s Uncles 50th Birthday.

Happiness and Joy2018 happening. Ekk!!!

 

One of my Paths so Far

Next week will be my last therapy session. These 5 weeks have flown by. No doubt the next week will do the same. I’m glad I’ve attended the sessions. It’s given me the awareness that having a conversation does help.

Neither I or the counsellor went into the room with an agenda. Conversation flowed, obviously the topic was me.

In tonight’s session, we got onto me finding a sense of purpose and satisfaction in my job, the nature of my job anyway. That it’s my first time feeling like this is what I wanna do with my life. We spoke about why I didn’t feel this way about my other jobs or career routes.

Growing up, like any other kid I imagine has: I wanna be…. when I get older. I believe mine were: dancer or a vet. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I was good at ICT, so I went down that route. I got into my third month at university, I withdrew myself. I was bored.

I’ve always had a love for animals, so I started volunteering around paid work. After a while, I decided I’d like to work with animals. I applied for an Animal Management and Welfare degree. I got in.

Got working at kennels, volunteered when I could. Past first year. Did my placement year, all still while working. Around this time my mental health declined. The first time I was affected. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t understand myself. Saw doctors, had telephone counselling, getting towards my final year at university.

I was beginning to get excited again. I also was having this unsettling feeling I couldn’t explain. I just ignored it and carried on. At Christmas, in my final year, I withdrew myself. I left with a Higher Certificate of Education in the degree topic and experience, working with different kinds of animals.

I just wanted to work and get my mental health back. Still working at the kennels. Still had unsettled days. A point came where I believed I needed to take the next step in my career. I got a job within a veterinary practice as a Trainee Veterinary Nurse.

I was nervous. Always. I was terrified. I was emotional. I couldn’t stay in a couple of surgeries. I had to walk out, have a sit-down. Otherwise, they’d have to clean me off the floor too.

That unsettled feeling was telling me that this isn’t it. This isn’t what I should be doing. I felt a failure. I love animals. I wanna make a difference to them. A part of me felt that if I carried on I’d lose that love for them I’ve had my whole life.

I basically took the first thing I could find job wise and ran. Into pretty much a job that wasn’t a job.

It’s been a year and nearly a half since then. I’ve been beating myself up about it periodically since. Everyone plus myself knew the animal path was for me. That was where I was supposed to be.

I’m sure if I knew now, then, I wouldn’t have beaten myself up about it. I would have been able to tell my loved ones how I felt.

Talking about this in today’s session got me to realise I’m in the right place now. Helping people is what I wanna do. Make a difference to others. That doesn’t mean I’ve lost my love for animals. Far from it. I still love animals. I still volunteer at the same place I started out at after my first university withdrawal.

I get to help and be around animals on my terms.

Having this conversation has led me to the path of forgiving myself. That I didn’t run away at that point in my life. I just wasn’t on the right path.


Watched: Atlantis: The Lost Empire > 3 out of 5

Stage Fright

I’ve always cared about what others thought of me and what I do. I was shy when I was younger. I got stage fright when I had drama or dance. Drama was the worst because of the speaking. The quiet voice starts.

Dancing did help me overcome expressing movement and my stage fright. It took 5 years of secondary school for me to overcome it. I danced on stage at the front not caring about the audience.

Then school ended. Anxiety and Depression worked its way into my mind. I retreated into myself. I became shy, even more so. The quiet voice shined.

Now, I’m slightly shy. My quiet voice comes out when I’m anxious. But I’m slowly getting over my life stage fright. My anxiety and depression are a long way off to being controlled completely by me. I’m still scared by what people think. Thankfully, not all the time now.

Majority of the people I know don’t know it’s me on my blog. Once, if they do, what if things change. I don’t want to jeopardise my writing I’ve been honest about on here. But I still want to be honest with them.

Showing my face on my blog is something that scares me. I made a video today of me signing the British Sign Language Alphabet to help me in my learning. I’m proud of myself for doing it. I muted myself so no-one can hear my voice. Clearly, being a video, I can be seen.

I’d like to share it on my blog. But life stage fright and the thoughts of others, especially those I know terrify me. Even though most aren’t apart of my life today.

I shouldn’t feel this way. But I do….