It’s been a difficult day. Today, was the funeral on my main customer. She’s been a big part of my past working year. I’m glad I went to say my goodbyes. See the family I got to know.
Luckily, a few fellow workers came to. We got to grieve together. I was even meant to be back to my office work by 1 pm. I need and wanted more time with her family and my friends. I did email to say I was gonna be late.
I didn’t apologise or make excuses. They knew where I was. I knew I was losing out on pay. There was where I needed to be. No regrets.
Thankfully, this evening I had something to look forward to. My friend offered to make me dinner and tonight was the night we’d organised it for. It was good to have something to look forward to.
He made a lovely meal, we watched a funny film and I was home for half 9. I didn’t even feel my anxiety of being in a rush. I did check the time a couple of times. I didn’t wanna be home late.
Once the film had finished and the football got turned on. I was started to feel tired. I knew it was time to go.
Both the good and sad happened today. I’m safe. I’m getting better. I’m able to last through a difficult day. I’m capable.
So are you!
There’s one word that comes to mind when describing how my feelings towards the day were until the afternoon.
Thankfully that ‘meh’ feeling did change to a sense of ease. Usually, ‘meh’ days are spent in bed. Even though I didn’t feel a sense of determination. I did get on and do things today. Full disclosure: having my mum and step-dad around helped.
I went with my mum and step-dad to my sisters to see my nephew and my 11-week old niece I had not met yet. Had some cuddles. From there we went to see my step-grandparents. All good on the catch-up front.
When we got home my mum wanted to start making a batch of Christmas cakes. Instead of just going to bed and watching telly. I asked if she’d like a hand. My mum taught me how to make the Christmas cakes.
I can’t remember everything step by step. The more I do things the better that will become. I enjoyed it. It was like therapy. I started off ‘meh’ and finished off feeling at ease.
I spent the whole time focusing on what I needed to do. None of the little things going through my head like they normally are.
This feeling of ease continued for the rest of the evening. I started making Mental Health First Aid notes, did my breathing techniques and did two hours of my job today.
On my way home, I posted a couple of letters and noticed a frog on the pavement. This is usually things I miss when out and about. I tend to have tunnel vision when it comes to tasks and jobs.
My mindfulness isn’t the best. But today I saw something that interested me and I took a photo. So here you are, to end my post today is the picture of well I wanna say Mr, Frog but it could be a Mrs, Frog.
I tried carrying on as normal today. Let myself have a lie in. Did my module four for my NVQ. Found out the details for my Grandma C funeral.
That put me down again.
Trying to get the day off work for it was stressful. They had booked my NVQ assessor that day and I could only see her on my day off. It was like they didn’t wanna give me that day off and reschedule my NVQ assessor. In the end, they did. Now waiting for my meeting to be rebooked.
I felt like my brain was gonna explode. I had to go lie down. My mum found me a while later, laid on my bed. After a mini-talk. She told me not to do anything else today. I was glad it was my day off work.
Towards the end of the day, I started to feel better. At the beginning of the week, we had booked bowling for this evening. Then to go for a meal afterwards. I was glad for my mum, step-dad and Dave.
We continued with the plans. They got me out of my head for a few hours; which was nice. I came second in both games of bowling and we went for a Pizza Hut afterwards.
I thought of my Grandma C before I went to bed. I had planned to see her today. That got me down again.
My family and friends are amazing. I’ve a great close-knit circle I can count on. I think I and probably many people in the world can take these for granted. We shouldn’t.
In honor of someone who has fought cancer, fights cancer or had lost the fight to cancer.
R.I.P Grandma C. I will miss you. Always think of you. You and Grandad C are back together again.
I went to my doctors yesterday about seeing how I was doing on my anti-depressants. It’s been about 5 weeks now. I’ve blogged about my leg twitches, my headaches and sickness. I’ve been having chest pains too.
All of these I mentioned. He believes they are symptoms of my stress and anxiety. As anxiety, fear and stress are my overpowering issues. He has recommended a self-help book by Christopher Williams: Overcoming Anxiety, Stress and Panic.
My doctor showed me the first edition of the Overcoming Depression book by the same author. It looked good. Has questions and activities to complete. My doctor also said if I have any questions from doing the workbook. I should write them down and book an appointment to see him.
I thought that was really good. He wants to help me get better and answering questions about what I’ve done or don’t understand is something he is willing to do. So far, other doctors, I’ve met, I feel like I couldn’t do that.
They want you in and out as quick as possible. He wants me to come back just to chat if I need it.
Another thing he would like me to do is work on slowing down my breathing. That breathing is going back to haunt me. Think I need to listen. I breathe too fast. Which isn’t helped by stress or anxiety. In turn, causes my headaches and chest pains.
I’ve been working on this today. I’m even doing it now. Breathing in for 3 seconds and then out for 3 seconds. One breath cycle should be 6 seconds; 10 breaths a minute. I can do between 20 and 40 breaths a minute normally.
No wonder I feel panicked all the time. I noticed I feel a little calmer after a few minutes of breathing slowly. Unfortunately, I go back to my fast breathing if I’m not being mindful of it.
A new goal. It’s been a while since I made one of those.
Goal: Slow my breathing down to 10 breaths a minute
It may be hard in the long run but hopefully having the foal will mean I practice the breathing techniques. Having the sense of relaxation would be a bonus.
It may only be October but I do love a good Christmas film. The one I’ve just finished watching ‘A Wish for Christmas’ was just what I needed. I felt connected to it. Not realising before I watched it; it’s to do with courage.
Just exactly the right type of courage I needed to see. Standing up for yourself. Staying true to your values. Being open and honest.
I can do this. I can.
It’s been one of those days. I had dreamt of a customer medication I’d been to at the beginning of the week. I woke an hour and a half before my alarm. Wide awake. Waking up with a concern about the same customer’s medication running in my head.
Usually writing things down allows me to go back to sleep. Unfortunately, I couldn’t. Being too early I couldn’t ring my supervisor to report the concern. A while later at my first customer, I got a call cancelling my second.
I got to go home early but only worked an hour today. I got on with my day.
Around lunchtime, I got the sad news that my main customer past away. Definitely knocked me out of my hyperactive mindset. This was a hard moment. Thankfully, my mum was home. She was able to give me a hug. Plus, the dogs gave me kisses.
Again, after a while, I got on with my day.
Had the embarrassing moment of knocking an ornament off a shelf display in a card shop. Right at the front of the store by the tills. Everyone saw. Thankfully the staff were nice and I didn’t have to pay for it.
I was so glad when Dave (my other half) and I got to my dads’ house. We sat, relaxed and had a catch-up. I do feel more open with my dad since his Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis. I feel he’s more open with me too.