I have this sense of guilt. I’m not sure of the reason. As far as I believe I have done nothing to be guilty of. I’ve spent the day doing a mix of things.
I took the time to watch telly. I’ve had a good week of no telly. Because I’ve watched telly I haven’t done a lot towards my goals. Maybe that’s where my sense of guilt is coming from.
I can’t feel guilty of not spending a whole day completing goals. By being mentally and physically active all the time I’m wearing myself out. More mentally. Tiring my mind out causing my body to crash down in places.
I think I’m finding it hard to accept going slowly, taking the time. Focusing all on one task at a time. Future me is pulling down again because I’m not being present in the here and now.
There aren’t enough hours in a day to complete everything you want out of life. I need to accept that I can do everything, just not right this second. The support I have on and off my blog, to help me through. To help my mindset get towards healthy feels cherishing. Speaking, writing and opening up has made a difference.
I’m just not at the finishing line yet.
I wanna go to sleep. I wanna get comfy. I wanna be warm. I wanna be healthy. I wanna be happy.
I wanna have my other half laying beside me. I wanna talk until the sun comes up.
I wanna have my whole family together. I wanna have them all loving one another.
I wanna stand up and shout for what’s right. I wanna make a difference in the world. I wanna be courage. I wanna say YES to celebrating your dreams. I wanna be the person you can count on.
But right now I wanna sleep. I wanna close my eyes. I wanna wake up and all be OK.
My mind for the past few days has been thinking of a goodbye post for my Facebook. I want to remove my account but I want to have the last post so to speak. Today, I took the time to think about what to write.
I looked on the internet for inspiration. This is what I came up with:
After 9 years on Facebook, I am saying goodbye. Memories have been made but as of the 1st Nov I am clicking the delete button. Moving to focus from news feeds to the real world. Thank you for being apart of my ‘social media’ world. I hope to see your smiles living life.
What do you think?
It’s been a difficult day. Today, was the funeral on my main customer. She’s been a big part of my past working year. I’m glad I went to say my goodbyes. See the family I got to know.
Luckily, a few fellow workers came to. We got to grieve together. I was even meant to be back to my office work by 1 pm. I need and wanted more time with her family and my friends. I did email to say I was gonna be late.
I didn’t apologise or make excuses. They knew where I was. I knew I was losing out on pay. There was where I needed to be. No regrets.
Thankfully, this evening I had something to look forward to. My friend offered to make me dinner and tonight was the night we’d organised it for. It was good to have something to look forward to.
He made a lovely meal, we watched a funny film and I was home for half 9. I didn’t even feel my anxiety of being in a rush. I did check the time a couple of times. I didn’t wanna be home late.
Once the film had finished and the football got turned on. I was started to feel tired. I knew it was time to go.
Both the good and sad happened today. I’m safe. I’m getting better. I’m able to last through a difficult day. I’m capable.
So are you!
There’s one word that comes to mind when describing how my feelings towards the day were until the afternoon.
Thankfully that ‘meh’ feeling did change to a sense of ease. Usually, ‘meh’ days are spent in bed. Even though I didn’t feel a sense of determination. I did get on and do things today. Full disclosure: having my mum and step-dad around helped.
I went with my mum and step-dad to my sisters to see my nephew and my 11-week old niece I had not met yet. Had some cuddles. From there we went to see my step-grandparents. All good on the catch-up front.
When we got home my mum wanted to start making a batch of Christmas cakes. Instead of just going to bed and watching telly. I asked if she’d like a hand. My mum taught me how to make the Christmas cakes.
I can’t remember everything step by step. The more I do things the better that will become. I enjoyed it. It was like therapy. I started off ‘meh’ and finished off feeling at ease.
I spent the whole time focusing on what I needed to do. None of the little things going through my head like they normally are.
This feeling of ease continued for the rest of the evening. I started making Mental Health First Aid notes, did my breathing techniques and did two hours of my job today.
On my way home, I posted a couple of letters and noticed a frog on the pavement. This is usually things I miss when out and about. I tend to have tunnel vision when it comes to tasks and jobs.
My mindfulness isn’t the best. But today I saw something that interested me and I took a photo. So here you are, to end my post today is the picture of well I wanna say Mr, Frog but it could be a Mrs, Frog.
I tried carrying on as normal today. Let myself have a lie in. Did my module four for my NVQ. Found out the details for my Grandma C funeral.
That put me down again.
Trying to get the day off work for it was stressful. They had booked my NVQ assessor that day and I could only see her on my day off. It was like they didn’t wanna give me that day off and reschedule my NVQ assessor. In the end, they did. Now waiting for my meeting to be rebooked.
I felt like my brain was gonna explode. I had to go lie down. My mum found me a while later, laid on my bed. After a mini-talk. She told me not to do anything else today. I was glad it was my day off work.
Towards the end of the day, I started to feel better. At the beginning of the week, we had booked bowling for this evening. Then to go for a meal afterwards. I was glad for my mum, step-dad and Dave.
We continued with the plans. They got me out of my head for a few hours; which was nice. I came second in both games of bowling and we went for a Pizza Hut afterwards.
I thought of my Grandma C before I went to bed. I had planned to see her today. That got me down again.
My family and friends are amazing. I’ve a great close-knit circle I can count on. I think I and probably many people in the world can take these for granted. We shouldn’t.