One of my Paths so Far

Next week will be my last therapy session. These 5 weeks have flown by. No doubt the next week will do the same. I’m glad I’ve attended the sessions. It’s given me the awareness that having a conversation does help.

Neither I or the counsellor went into the room with an agenda. Conversation flowed, obviously the topic was me.

In tonight’s session, we got onto me finding a sense of purpose and satisfaction in my job, the nature of my job anyway. That it’s my first time feeling like this is what I wanna do with my life. We spoke about why I didn’t feel this way about my other jobs or career routes.

Growing up, like any other kid I imagine has: I wanna be…. when I get older. I believe mine were: dancer or a vet. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I was good at ICT, so I went down that route. I got into my third month at university, I withdrew myself. I was bored.

I’ve always had a love for animals, so I started volunteering around paid work. After a while, I decided I’d like to work with animals. I applied for an Animal Management and Welfare degree. I got in.

Got working at kennels, volunteered when I could. Past first year. Did my placement year, all still while working. Around this time my mental health declined. The first time I was affected. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t understand myself. Saw doctors, had telephone counselling, getting towards my final year at university.

I was beginning to get excited again. I also was having this unsettling feeling I couldn’t explain. I just ignored it and carried on. At Christmas, in my final year, I withdrew myself. I left with a Higher Certificate of Education in the degree topic and experience, working with different kinds of animals.

I just wanted to work and get my mental health back. Still working at the kennels. Still had unsettled days. A point came where I believed I needed to take the next step in my career. I got a job within a veterinary practice as a Trainee Veterinary Nurse.

I was nervous. Always. I was terrified. I was emotional. I couldn’t stay in a couple of surgeries. I had to walk out, have a sit-down. Otherwise, they’d have to clean me off the floor too.

That unsettled feeling was telling me that this isn’t it. This isn’t what I should be doing. I felt a failure. I love animals. I wanna make a difference to them. A part of me felt that if I carried on I’d lose that love for them I’ve had my whole life.

I basically took the first thing I could find job wise and ran. Into pretty much a job that wasn’t a job.

It’s been a year and nearly a half since then. I’ve been beating myself up about it periodically since. Everyone plus myself knew the animal path was for me. That was where I was supposed to be.

I’m sure if I knew now, then, I wouldn’t have beaten myself up about it. I would have been able to tell my loved ones how I felt.

Talking about this in today’s session got me to realise I’m in the right place now. Helping people is what I wanna do. Make a difference to others. That doesn’t mean I’ve lost my love for animals. Far from it. I still love animals. I still volunteer at the same place I started out at after my first university withdrawal.

I get to help and be around animals on my terms.

Having this conversation has led me to the path of forgiving myself. That I didn’t run away at that point in my life. I just wasn’t on the right path.


Watched: Atlantis: The Lost Empire > 3 out of 5

Stage Fright

I’ve always cared about what others thought of me and what I do. I was shy when I was younger. I got stage fright when I had drama or dance. Drama was the worst because of the speaking. The quiet voice starts.

Dancing did help me overcome expressing movement and my stage fright. It took 5 years of secondary school for me to overcome it. I danced on stage at the front not caring about the audience.

Then school ended. Anxiety and Depression worked its way into my mind. I retreated into myself. I became shy, even more so. The quiet voice shined.

Now, I’m slightly shy. My quiet voice comes out when I’m anxious. But I’m slowly getting over my life stage fright. My anxiety and depression are a long way off to being controlled completely by me. I’m still scared by what people think. Thankfully, not all the time now.

Majority of the people I know don’t know it’s me on my blog. Once, if they do, what if things change. I don’t want to jeopardise my writing I’ve been honest about on here. But I still want to be honest with them.

Showing my face on my blog is something that scares me. I made a video today of me signing the British Sign Language Alphabet to help me in my learning. I’m proud of myself for doing it. I muted myself so no-one can hear my voice. Clearly, being a video, I can be seen.

I’d like to share it on my blog. But life stage fright and the thoughts of others, especially those I know terrify me. Even though most aren’t apart of my life today.

I shouldn’t feel this way. But I do….

My Moaning Myrtle

I’m in what my step-dad calls ‘my moaning myrtle’ state. I’m not gonna bore you. It’s just life in general. Long days with hardly any hours worth of pay. That cold that caused me to faint the other week is coming back with a vengeance.

But hey that’s life and the stage in my life that I’m at. But unable to change as yet. I’m not handling it well some days.

Tomorrow is another day. Another day to better my mindset.

A Sense of Guilt

I have this sense of guilt. I’m not sure of the reason. As far as I believe I have done nothing to be guilty of. I’ve spent the day doing a mix of things.

I took the time to watch telly. I’ve had a good week of no telly. Because I’ve watched telly I haven’t done a lot towards my goals. Maybe that’s where my sense of guilt is coming from.

I can’t feel guilty of not spending a whole day completing goals. By being mentally and physically active all the time I’m wearing myself out. More mentally. Tiring my mind out causing my body to crash down in places.

I think I’m finding it hard to accept going slowly, taking the time. Focusing all on one task at a time. Future me is pulling down again because I’m not being present in the here and now.

There aren’t enough hours in a day to complete everything you want out of life. I need to accept that I can do everything, just not right this second. The support I have on and off my blog, to help me through. To help my mindset get towards healthy feels cherishing. Speaking, writing and opening up has made a difference.

I’m just not at the finishing line yet.

I Wanna…

I wanna go to sleep. I wanna get comfy. I wanna be warm. I wanna be healthy. I wanna be happy.

I wanna have my other half laying beside me. I wanna talk until the sun comes up.

I wanna have my whole family together. I wanna have them all loving one another.

I wanna stand up and shout for what’s right. I wanna make a difference in the world. I wanna be courage. I wanna say YES to celebrating your dreams. I wanna be the person you can count on.

But right now I wanna sleep. I wanna close my eyes. I wanna wake up and all be OK.

Facebook Goodbye Message

My mind for the past few days has been thinking of a goodbye post for my Facebook. I want to remove my account but I want to have the last post so to speak. Today, I took the time to think about what to write.

I looked on the internet for inspiration. This is what I came up with:

After 9 years on Facebook, I am saying goodbye. Memories have been made but as of the 1st Nov I am clicking the delete button. Moving to focus from news feeds to the real world. Thank you for being apart of my ‘social media’ world. I hope to see your smiles living life.

What do you think?

Simply Complicated Review

This girl writes a review! I was captivated by what Rachel wrote.

I like to watch a good documentary from time to time. If a celebrity is the reason for the documentary, however, I tend to skip past. I’m so glad I didn’t this time.

This review is the reason I watched Demi Lovato’s documentary on YouTube. When I watched it, my sole focus was on the screen. I felt the sense of proudness, for Demi to share her story. How she overcame and still struggles every day.

Addiction, depression, anxiety and any other form of mental health isn’t something to joke about. It needs a voice. To watch, how someone of a similar age to me, although one in the spotlight, can still follow her dreams, be open and honest about what she has been and is going through. Is taking a look at mental health in the right direction.

Go check out Rachel post over on Strong Mind, Strong Body. Just click below. Go check out Demi Lovato documentary. Just go onto YouTube.

Strong Mind, Strong Body

Demi-Lovato-simply-complicated

I’ve never been a Demi Lovato fan. I’ve never had an interest and her music never really did anything for me. However, I’ve paid some attention to her struggles and honesty over the last few years. When I started to hear about her YouTube Documentary I knew I wanted to set time aside and check it out. I must admit I was surprised with her story. I had no idea how bad her drug use was and how young she was when it started. Yes, she abused drugs and alcohol, but she also dealt with depression and everything that comes along with it.

She starts the documentary off with a great quote. She said, “The key to being happy is to tell your truth and be okay without all the answers.” This hit me hard and is a big part of why I started this blog. I need to tell…

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