A Goal of No Chocolate

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

It’s always good to spend time with my dad and step mum. I didn’t feel guilty about having a whole afternoon/evening watching telly.

My dad is uncomfortable going far for long. He finds it easier to stay in. As he had already been out that day. Telly it was. The main feeling I had today was a sudden onset of tiredness.

One moment I was perfectly fine. Then, the next, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I’m blaming the 2/3 of chocolate share bag I had.

A part of me thinks that’s crazy. But the other thinks what else could it be?

I’ve had plenty of lay ins this week. Not busy at all. There shouldn’t be a reason for me to feel that tired, that quickly. Three more weeks until my doctors’ appointment.

I said to my other half: “I’m not gonna have chocolate”.

Not the first time I’ve said that. May not be the last. Won’t feel any different if I don’t try.

Goal: No Chocolate

On another note:

I went to the sexual health clinic today. As I’ve had a swab towards the beginning of this year which was normal. There wasn’t a lot the nurse could do for me. She did take a blood sample to rule out HIV and another, that has slipped my mind.

So, she’s booked me into a walk in clinic, in three weeks time, to see a doctor. May not help. But it might do. Will see what they say.

Always a waiting game.

Ups and Downs

I said I would be honest with myself. I want to be honest with myself. I forgot about journaling today. I’m not sure how, but it slipped my mind. I guess I was that tired. I felt tired most of the day.

It was a mother-daughter day today trip to Bolsover Castle to see the Cavendish horses. A late birthday treat. It’s nice spending time with my mum. It’s not something we’re able to do often enough.

Lately, it has been dog walking once every one to two weeks we’ve been able to squeeze in together.

She made a note that I walked slightly funny. Something to keep an eye on.


Out of me and my other half, I’m the only one that drives. I drive for my job and all personal outings. Plus the picking up and dropping off. Lately, I’ve felt like a taxi and resented driving.

I mentioned that we need to talk about driving today once I’d left him for the day. Because I wanted to talk face to face. We had to wait until the evening to talk it through.

This caused me to run scenarios in my head. Like role playing what could happen. Not that any of the scenarios would actually happen. It’s something I find hard to shake off.

It wasn’t just my driving conversation going through my head. I also have plans for tomorrow; a walk and lunch with friends. This was running through my mind as well.

I’m hoping the positive steps course with the therapist helps shake these off.

The driving conversation went well in the end. My other half said he’d be happy to learn to drive again. So I will contact my uncle tomorrow and see if he is willing to help us out.

Love of Family

I’m sat here watching Long Lost Family. I always get emotional watching this show. It makes me grateful for having my own family. I not only have my parents but an extended family too. Step parents, step siblings etc.

I have lost family members just like everyone else. I still miss them to this day. I may not remember all my memories with them but I remember my love for them.


Well, onto the day I’ve had. It’s been a good day, a productive day. One where I have put all down and accepted telly time as me time. The raspberry fragrance in the air from my candle.

The meeting with manager and director happened today. Talked me through the role. Which didn’t take long. I said yes. This means I will be working once a week in the office. Every Thursday. A full day one week and a half day the next, then repeat.

I’m looking forward to it. My mood has been great today.

The only let down has been by my NVQ assessor. She was due to ring me today about our meeting. But to reasons unknown has failed to do so.

Some more good news as I write this.

My other half past his entry level Maths exam. Second times a charm. Next stage is for him to do the next level to work towards his GCSE Maths.

Not too late to accomplish something which was failed earlier in life.

Puppy Alert

I got to hold a six-week old Husky pup today. It was the cutest; cuddled in my arms trying to kiss me. It wasn’t something I expected when I planned to see my Grandma in her care home. It happened to be the summer fayre. One of the staff members brought them in for people to hold.

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I think I used to pup as a safety net from my feelings towards seeing my grandma. She has become so thin and fragile. It’s heart breaking to see her that way. Cancer taking over her.

It may be heart breaking but I wouldn’t not want to see her. I don’t want to feel this way but I would feel worse if I didn’t see her at all. Even worse for when the time does come and not say goodbye.

I went to a lovely meal. When I say lovely, it was the company who made it so. The food not so much. Me trying to be veggie when I go out; leading to possibly full-time veggie. But they had little options. Even then it wasn’t tasty.

I much prefer the veggie burgers from Lidl.

After the meal, it was a night out. I don’t last long on them. Usually, just like tonight, I’m home before midnight. I’m no drinker. So there are nights I just can’t get into it. When there are people dancing I can do that sober. But when people aren’t and are drinking just to get drunk.

It doesn’t interest me.

I’d much rather be at home watching Netflix in bed and sleep.

Talking of which I may try to get another episode of Untold Stories of the ER in. Night all.

That Fog Feeling

I read a blog post today which I connected to. The author talking, explaining her type of depression. I find it hard sometimes to explain how I feel even when I know why I feel a certain way.  But this author got it in one.

But this author got it in one.

I know I’m not the only one out there. It’s great to see someone explain to everyone what I can’t. That someone is making a difference. I connected with this post enough to reblog it. Many people as possible should read her words.

I felt in a fog for most of the day. Only really getting out of it this afternoon.

At first, we went to see my grandparents. My grandad is constantly tired. This is because he has to care for my grandma full time. Even though my grandma has been physically and mentally ill for a couple of years now. She at times won’t accept my grandad’s help never mind anyone else, not even family.

It gets so hard seeing them for long. I do feel bad about this. Guilty. But I know it’s hard to help someone who won’t accept it.

From there we went to Cawood; to do a Treasure Trail. The two hours we spent there, looking around for clues helped the fog lift for a while. Luckily for today, it didn’t come back.

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This evening we saw Dunkirk. It was an interesting view on the events but I didn’t emotionally connect with it in the way I do with most disaster/true event films. That was a shame but a watch all the same.

Well, my eye is hurting so that’s my queue to leave now. Have a good sleep all.

 

Siblings

I’m an Aunty again. This afternoon my step sister brought into this world, my third niece.

I have a card and present waiting. I was all warm inside and smiley. I still am.

But.

It hit me that I hardly see my sister. Only when it is a gathering occasion. We don’t have the relationship most sisters have.

I guess that is due to becoming sisters towards your mid-twenties, not having lived together and having your own separate lives.

It would be nice to have a proper sisterly bond. Never know maybe in the future.

It is something I would like with all my step siblings. My thinking is three out of four ain’t bad. Our bonds may change in the future.

Back to the reason, I put pen to paper tonight.

Welcome, little one. The world is yours. So many happy times ahead. Big love to you, your mummy and your brother. Love your Aunty.