Events, Family, Life

Christmas 2018

Christmas for 2018, I’ve felt good as a time with my family. I’m glad I was able to have spend time with my family.

Dave and I alternate the years we spend with our family over the holidays. To make things fair and not favouring one or the other.

This year I’m glad it was my family. More to the point it might be the last one where we may have my Grandma around the table. Due to her Alzheimer’s and her decline in physical capabilities, both my mum and I feel that she won’t be capable of doing what’s she’s done today.

It’s hard to think that way but as it’s something we’re seeing happening to my Grandma on a daily basis we’re having to prepare ourselves and try working with my grandad to get the support needed. Unfortunately, my grandad isn’t taking everything well. It is understandable. We’re being there for as much as we can. This denial and how much change is needed is effecting them both.

No matter what we say it’s going onto deaf ears. There’s gonna be some shocks and bad times ahead. But no matter what, I have to take care of myself and strive to BLOOM BRIGHTLY.

Family, Life

When’s the right time?

My mum and I have been biting our tongues for the past few weeks with my grandparents. This morning I got to the point I had to say something to my grandad. I told him “something needs to change. I know that you don’t want to hear it but it’s true. Something needs to change, sooner rather than later.”

My mum and I are struggling, so are the carers, my grandad is doing a hell of a lot more then he should be doing to the point he’ll hurt himself.

Once I said what I did I just left the house. I haven’t been back today or heard anything from him. But I can’t hide away, I’m due back to stay over tonight. I’m gonna have to face the music but I still stand by what I said.


Watched: The Dark Knight Rises > 2.5 out of 5
Lone Survivor > 2 out of 5

Family, Life

Caring for Grandparents

Over the next few weeks, I may have to change the time I write in my journal. I figured this out last night after putting my grandma to bed. Yesterday was the day my grandad had his pacemaker fitted. He was in and out in the one day but he is restricted to what he can do with his left arm for the next 6 weeks; including his swimming.

Which means he is going to struggle to care for my grandma for certain tasks; mainly the toilet and getting into bed. So my mum and I are taking it in turns to stay overnight and for as much as the day as possible. After putting my grandma to be its lights out throughout the house to get as much rest as possible. My grandma was only up once during the night last night but does have worse nights.

I’m thankful we are able to help as much as we can, especially across the first 2 weeks. It may reduce after this when we’re back to work full time but he’s able to recover as best as possible.

I’m feeling more relaxed right now. Usually, I worry massively but I thought to myself yesterday while my grandad was in the hospital, that I know he’s gonna be ok, so I don’t need to worry.

I also got my first Christmas card and present from a customer yesterday. I was very surprised, early was an understatement for me but I was honoured to be one of two he chose from the carers that go.

Spyro arrived today so I’m hoping to get some downtime to play that while my mum takes over at my grandparents for a bit.

Family, Life

Happy Birthday C

Happy birthday to my sister in law. I’m afriad I wasn’t able to spend time with her today due to working. Dave so couldn’t see her due to him and my step dad trying to finish off as much bonding as possible before the plasterer starts tomorrow.

Dave is meeting him at 10 am to give him the keys. In around 4 weeks I’ll hopefully be able to start painting.

Family, Life

We’ve Booked Rome

I was a bit disheartened when my mum told me she’s going to cancel the weekend away in December so that’s she’s around for my grandparents. I’m sad about not going but I fully understand my grandparents take priority.

It’s going to be a 6 week recovery time. I’ve given myself a headache but looking for a 4 night get away in march to enjoy for Dave and I. We’ve decided on Rome. Something to look forward to.


Watched: The Terminal > 3.5 out of 5.

Family, Life

Taking Some Time for Family

I was surprised when I called work to get a couple days off to help my grandparents that it happened. All sorted just like that. That hasn’t happened before.

My grandad needs a pacemaker and be bad his date; in 10 days time. Seeing as my grandad is the sole carer of my grandma he won’t or should I say we won’t let him take full responsibility for my grandma when he’s had his operation.

My step-dad is taking the day off to take my grandad too and from the hospital. My mum has 3 days off that week, I’ve been able to get the other 2. Then I’m on annual leave after a couple days work.

This is gonna be a quiet month work wise which is gonna help break up the time till I start my new job. I’m also slowly getting somewhere with getting the best for my customers. Some times I think the organisation cares about themselves. Small victories; I’ll take.

It’s now 2 days off. The house takes priority.


Watched: The Holiday Calender > 3.5 out of 5

Family, Life, Mental Health

Trying to go deeper in my writing

I’ve had moments or days over the past couple of weeks where I’ve retreated into my head. I’ve had no words. I’ve felt sorry for myself. I’m getting myself to the point I’m exhausted I can’t do anything but sleep.

I’ve a lot going on in my life. I don’t always face them when I should. I like to hide from the issues in my life. This isn’t something I wanna do. It’s like a habit I can’t shake. When I wrote that Taylor Swift song Shake it off came into my head. Then the Dwayne Johnson lip sing of that song came into my head. 

My mind likes to wander off. Whether its the right time or not. There are times I can over embellish my problems. Is that the right meaning? I can also talk a lot of crap too. At this point, I started going through my journal. 

I get mind blanks. I think of an event in the future and think of scenarios, making my anxiety levels go up.

How was my life today?

It’s not a good feeling for me to wake to have to defrost my car. I’ve never been a big fan of the cold. The only thing I like about winter is Christmas and I feel that’s all a fantasy in my head.

I had two customer calls then back home for me. I did a week’s worth of mileage, which took me an hour and a half. While messaging people and organising my pre-employment meeting for tomorrow.

I found that the security software people were taking £70 out of my account because of my control issues and trying to take over things this time last year. Thanks to my step-dad that is all resolved.

I’ve started or should I say I’ve started to continue watching Once Upon a Time again. I’m on season 3.

But then I needed to go back to a customer. The final one of the day. Three customers all before lunch ending? Not what I call a job in my books. In the respect that I wanna work a whole shift in one go over a number of hours and not go in and out like I’m currently doing.

While at that customer my mum asked if I could go to my grandparents earlier then I had planned so I said yes. Plus my mum had an appointment.

On my way there I spoke to my dad. Since his diagnoses with Multiple Sclerosis, a couple of years ago we’ve spoken more honest with each other and more often. How bad is it that a long-term health condition can be the reason to bring people closer together.

Once I got to my grandparents I was there for a good four hours. At a time I had, I’m not sure but is resentment the right word. The wanting to run away but I’m trapped, why can’t my mum come to tag me out feelings. Just admitting that makes me feel like the worse granddaughter ever.

My grandma has Alzheimer’s. She has shakes and her balance isn’t the best. She needs to have someone around 24/7 to ensure she’s safe. My grandad is her sole carer. He is in need of a pacemaker and has been needing corrections with his eyes.

It took me and mum, months to get grandad to agree to get carers in. We have them now every morning and twice a week in an afternoon. Today was one of those days, the reason I ended up going earlier than planned was due to the carer running late and not knowing when they would get there so my grandad cancelled.

That time is for my grandad to have a break. We didn’t want this taken away from him, so, hello me. My grandad was able to go swimming, do an odd job, then go to his eye appointment as was the original plan. That meant I got to spend time with my grandma.

Once I got home, I got frustrated with Dave as he didn’t see the text about starting dinner while I was on my way home. I quickly got over that. Once dinner was done, we watched a few more episodes of the Netflix original TV series Scream. A few more sittings and we’ll have finished it.

Having a heart to heart isn’t our thing. I’ve brought up the lack of communication before with Dave. I don’t want to keep sounding like a broken record. Most of that I believe is in my head; down to me retreating into my head. I suppose I find it hard to think of things to say or how to bring up conversations as it is.

I suppose that is the reason why I started journaling in the first place. I also believe this is the longest plus deepest I’ve gone in my writing. Full honesty discloser here. Maybe it’ll help me sleep at night. But then again it’s me feeling cold that’s preventing that. I think this is my honestly for one day. But I know I need to do it more.