To Much. Too Soon.

I tried carrying on as normal today. Let myself have a lie in. Did my module four for my NVQ. Found out the details for my Grandma C funeral.

That put me down again.

Trying to get the day off work for it was stressful. They had booked my NVQ assessor that day and I could only see her on my day off. It was like they didn’t wanna give me that day off and reschedule my NVQ assessor. In the end, they did. Now waiting for my meeting to be rebooked.

I felt like my brain was gonna explode. I had to go lie down. My mum found me a while later, laid on my bed. After a mini-talk. She told me not to do anything else today. I was glad it was my day off work.

Towards the end of the day, I started to feel better. At the beginning of the week, we had booked bowling for this evening. Then to go for a meal afterwards. I was glad for my mum, step-dad and Dave.

We continued with the plans. They got me out of my head for a few hours; which was nice. I came second in both games of bowling and we went for a Pizza Hut afterwards.

I thought of my Grandma C before I went to bed. I had planned to see her today. That got me down again.

My family and friends are amazing. I’ve a great close-knit circle I can count on. I think I and probably many people in the world can take these for granted. We shouldn’t.

Guilt and Sadness.

There are two emotions I want to process today. I went to visit my Grandma C today. The first time in two months. She has changed massively. She is a different person. Cancer has taken over. To the point, I believe she has given up.

I felt guilty that I’ve put off seeing her to too long. I’ve no excuse. I’ve had plenty of chances. I just didn’t want to go. Like, there was that fear of seeing her.

She slept the whole time. I said hello and goodbye with hugs and kisses; which she woke to. She also responded a couple of times when I asked her if she was OK or needed anything.

My guilt changed to sadness.

It’s not nice seeing a family member that way. Thankfully, I wasn’t alone. My Auntie J was there, then my Uncle A arrived not long after I did. We all caught up with each other.

It was hard leaving my Grandma like that. I want to see her more often. No excuse. No fear. Just go!

I said to my friend B, earlier today that I believe my Grandma won’t make it to the New Year. I hope to be wrong but seeing her suffer, even with medication is hard for me. If it’s hard for me. How is my Grandma processing it?

Maybe giving up is her way of processing it?

I love you Grandma C. Your in my heart always.

Taking time out

Had a self-care day.

I had a lovely relaxing start to the day. Was great to see my dad. After dropping Dave off at work. I went for a massage. Then on to get my hair cut.

Back at home, my step-grandparents came round, we had a family meal. This time I spent the whole time downstairs with everyone. Definitely different to two weeks ago where I didn’t wanna leave my bed, including when they were round.

All in all, it’s been good. Nice to have a weekend to have for my own making.

One of those days

It’s been one of those days. I had dreamt of a customer medication I’d been to at the beginning of the week. I woke an hour and a half before my alarm. Wide awake. Waking up with a concern about the same customer’s medication¬†running in my head.

Usually writing things down allows me to go back to sleep. Unfortunately, I couldn’t. Being too early I couldn’t ring my supervisor to report the concern. A while later at my first customer, I got a call cancelling my second.

I got to go home early but only worked an hour today. I got on with my day.

Around lunchtime, I got the sad news that my main customer past away. Definitely knocked me out of my hyperactive mindset. This was a hard moment. Thankfully, my mum was home. She was able to give me a hug. Plus, the dogs gave me kisses.

Again, after a while, I got on with my day.

Had the embarrassing moment of knocking an ornament off a shelf display in a card shop. Right at the front of the store by the tills. Everyone saw. Thankfully the staff were nice and I didn’t have to pay for it.

I was so glad when Dave (my other half) and I got to my dads’ house. We sat, relaxed and had a catch-up. I do feel more open with my dad since his Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis. I feel he’s more open with me too.

My Worst Fear

I’ve had an amazing day. I say amazing, it’s been a very good one. Very productive. I completed my e-learning Safeguarding CPD. I was well impressed.

Then an hour ago, I saw something out the corner of my eye. I thought “Nope, I didn’t see anything.”

Just a trick of the light in my eye.

Boy, was I wrong.

I couldn’t stop checking the area I thought I saw something. Then five minutes later it zoomed past again.

I froze. Stopped breathing. Chest started to tighten. I began breathing heavy.

Then it scurried past again.

I unfroze.

Went downstairs “There’s a spider in my room. There’s a spider in my room.”

I’m tense. Hands clammy. Chest hurting. Breathing fast.

Thankfully my mum has had practice removing spiders from my rooms.

My Mr fluff ball came up with mum. He laid on my bed. He let me stroke him but not cuddle or kiss him. Which he usually does.

It was like he was saying no. No cuddles until you calm down. He was waving and kicking his legs. Growled at me until I was breathing normally. Then he let me pick him up and have a cuddle.

That’s what I get for cleaning my room.

Let’s hope no more surface. If they can wait until Tuesday afternoon. As from tomorrow morning, I’m gonna be home alone with the pups. I don’t wanna be panicking when I get scared as it is.

Right. Stop thinking about it. Nothings gonna happen. All will be ok.

Thoughts of Kids

One day, my partner and I may have kids. We’re not ready in most ways for them as yet.

After seeing my Uncle, Auntie-in-law and my three cousins. One of which is three weeks old, the others one year and in her teens.

I’ve already thought of how I’d like to bring my kids up. Anything like my one-year-old cousin is a no no. Mis-behaviour aside.

It’s been a good day in all. Saw family. Had my group session. I felt I paid more attention to it today.¬†I do need to actually do the work though.

I’m gonna call it a night. My eyes are hurting. I must be tired. Night Everyone.