To Much. Too Soon.

I tried carrying on as normal today. Let myself have a lie in. Did my module four for my NVQ. Found out the details for my Grandma C funeral.

That put me down again.

Trying to get the day off work for it was stressful. They had booked my NVQ assessor that day and I could only see her on my day off. It was like they didn’t wanna give me that day off and reschedule my NVQ assessor. In the end, they did. Now waiting for my meeting to be rebooked.

I felt like my brain was gonna explode. I had to go lie down. My mum found me a while later, laid on my bed. After a mini-talk. She told me not to do anything else today. I was glad it was my day off work.

Towards the end of the day, I started to feel better. At the beginning of the week, we had booked bowling for this evening. Then to go for a meal afterwards. I was glad for my mum, step-dad and Dave.

We continued with the plans. They got me out of my head for a few hours; which was nice. I came second in both games of bowling and we went for a Pizza Hut afterwards.

I thought of my Grandma C before I went to bed. I had planned to see her today. That got me down again.

My family and friends are amazing. I’ve a great close-knit circle I can count on. I think I and probably many people in the world can take these for granted. We shouldn’t.

A sense of normality

I worked towards my bath goal today. Sitting in lukewarm water for 15 minutes. I couldn’t relax but I believe I may have gotten over the major panic of sitting in the water.

Dave and I had a date afternoon as well. Went to Nandos then on to the cinema. We saw IT. I enjoyed myself. Feel we’re getting our connection back. The film was good. Still yet to find one to scare me though. I’m scared of having baths and spiders but I don’t scare at films.

Any suggestions of scary films?

Had a lovely evening with friends. I didn’t feel disheartened when I had to leave to come home. I thought “I’ve enjoyed my time here. We’ll be doing it again soon.”

When I got home, o my. A spider run across my bed!! Back to normality then. Thank you, mum, for being my savour.

Pep Talk

I can do this. I can do this.

This is what I’ve been chanting to myself every so often when I start to feel my fear, anxiety or that dark cloud over my head. I did that today before my activation challenge for The Courage Council.

Making a recording of a pep talk to myself conversing with fear. The another to my friend in need. I’m not a fan of the sound of my own voice on recordings. Once I did complete them I cringed at the playbacks.

It took me a few stop and deletes before I wrote down what I was gonna say. Read off it when recording. I can get very tongue-tied when nervous. But I did both and sent my friend their pep talk.

I was proud of myself for doing it as previously I would have skipped these challenges. When I got a reply from my friend. He said it meant a lot. That made me smile.

Keep chanting and hopefully, my mindset will change fully in the future.

Here you go as promised my pep talk to myself. Hope this works. Please tell me if not:

Here is the transcript for those who don’t want to listen or don’t understand me or it doesn’t work:

“Fear, you and I need to talk.

You’ve been in the front seat now for too long. It’s time you hop on into the back and buckle up.

I’m in control now. I understand I need you. But we need some ground rules. Myself, my desires and creativity get a vote. When I believe you need to have a say I’ll ask.

Until such time, creativity, desires and I need to take charge. Get to where we what to go. I need to show that I am the capable, strong woman that I am. Not just to all of us in this car but the whole world.

You got that? Right, let’s go!”

Dinner and Halo Monopoly

I’m feeling more positive this evening. Tired but positive. I did a step towards one of my goals. I had a bath. I’m finding the sitting in the water less stressful. Having the water with some warmness to it.

It’s the laying down that causes my breathing to quicken and my body to stiffen. I can do that part for a minute or two while holding my partner’s hand. But after that, I need to get out of the bath.

Once I was back to my somewhat, alive, usual self, we went to our friends’ house, G. We walked to Aldi, brought things for dinner. We played Halo Monopoly. I came second. As soon as Monopoly was mentioned on organising today; I thought “O, God. I’m gonna hate it”.

I didn’t. I really enjoyed myself this afternoon. It was just what I needed. It gave me the positive boost in the right direction. The right way to begin the week.

Letting Frustrations Out

I woke with a headache. Still tired and feeling drained. I floated through the day. Or that’s at least how it felt. I didn’t want to do a lot.

Being day five of six and having had four busy days. My body wanted me to slow down. I listened, saying I didn’t want to do the plans we already had. I’m glad now because it down poured that much it was coming through the conservatory roof.

At first, I don’t think my partner was happy about not doing a lot. We hardly spoke today until bedtime and that was more to do with anything but my frustrations.

But I’m glad I had planned a girls night with the one who couldn’t come to the group girls night. It was fun. Had a meal, chatted our frustrations throughout and watched The Space Between Us.

The second time I’ve watched it and it’s still sweet. Enjoyed it.

Getting my frustrations out about my partner to my friend helped me. For when I arrived home I was a little more me.

Now I need to think of a plan of attack to get my partner being a full grown, responsible, adult without me having to ask.

Is that too big of a goal?

Puppy Alert

I got to hold a six-week old Husky pup today. It was the cutest; cuddled in my arms trying to kiss me. It wasn’t something I expected when I planned to see my Grandma in her care home. It happened to be the summer fayre. One of the staff members brought them in for people to hold.

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I think I used to pup as a safety net from my feelings towards seeing my grandma. She has become so thin and fragile. It’s heart breaking to see her that way. Cancer taking over her.

It may be heart breaking but I wouldn’t not want to see her. I don’t want to feel this way but I would feel worse if I didn’t see her at all. Even worse for when the time does come and not say goodbye.

I went to a lovely meal. When I say lovely, it was the company who made it so. The food not so much. Me trying to be veggie when I go out; leading to possibly full-time veggie. But they had little options. Even then it wasn’t tasty.

I much prefer the veggie burgers from Lidl.

After the meal, it was a night out. I don’t last long on them. Usually, just like tonight, I’m home before midnight. I’m no drinker. So there are nights I just can’t get into it. When there are people dancing I can do that sober. But when people aren’t and are drinking just to get drunk.

It doesn’t interest me.

I’d much rather be at home watching Netflix in bed and sleep.

Talking of which I may try to get another episode of Untold Stories of the ER in. Night all.

Looked Forward to a Day

Today was a good day. I had things to look forward too. I even felt better about my other half. I believe having things to look forward to help. I was pretty much none stop. Most days I’m not a fan of that. But today it was lovely.

I had my hair done. I was brave and had three inches taken off. So it’s now to just below my shoulders. Then I went for a full body massage.

I actually relaxed. It was great not to have my thoughts running through my mind.

I’ve decided that having a full body massage is something I need to have done regularly. Especially if it’s gonna help me relax. Relaxing is a hard thing for me to do.

Then I went to a friends for a few hours before picking my other half up from work. Pizza and a film. One I wouldn’t have normally chosen but I had great company.

What more could you ask from a day?