Tiredness has taken over. Tiredness is the reason I didn’t end up writing last night. I’m still feeling it now. It’s strange I didn’t use to have tiredness effect me this much.
There was a time where I woke at first light. I got up out of bed no problem. I had to have a quiet and dark surroundings. I couldn’t sleep with lights, telly, radio or people around me.
If the telly was too loud downstairs, I had to go ask for it to be turned down. I found it hard to sleep in a bed that wasn’t mine. Whether having a sleepover or away on holiday.
It’s like my mind has flipped a switch.
Most of the time when going to bed, I still need quite and darkness but that isn’t necessarily the case. I fall asleep during films, in the middle of the day. Sat on the sofa having conversations. Lights and noise have reduced keeping me up.
Having a lie in wasn’t a thing for me especially in the summer months. As soon as the sun rose I was awake. 8 am was the latest I was laying in to. Now it could be 11 am before I get out of bed.
When you hear your mum say “That’s not like you”. You know something has changed.
Through the tiredness, I’ve still had a good couple of days. Volunteering, seeing family and friends and seeing the Christmas Panto: Alladin.
I feel my body is fighting me. My legs haven’t stopped twitching since August. My tiredness hasn’t improved. My hip and lower back are intermittently aching. I find it hard to get comfy.
I’ve started to link my stomach aches and unusual bowel movements to times when I have milk or chocolate. Can you become lactose intolerant part way through life?
I booked an appointment to see my doctor to discuss it all. Just have to wait a couple of weeks. I’m gonna check for cancellations regular now I’m signed up for the online system.
Cooking has been my theme for the day. I really enjoyed it and learnt new things. My first spell in the kitchen was with my mum baking. I made buns, a cake and mince pies.
I’d never made mince pies before. It was interesting to learn. I myself don’t like them but Dave does. So it’ll be nice to make them for him in the future.
My next spell in the kitchen was making a Pork and Apple one pot. It was gorgeous. The flavours were amazing. I really enjoyed cooking from scratch. It does take me longer to make then the times stated in the cook books. Dave helped to prep. It was nice to spend the time together.
Our friends left happy, which was great. See what we come out with tomorrow.
My energy has been down today. I pushed through. I did most of the things I had set out to do. Which is positive. But I’m not slowing down or having proper “me time”. There’s no fun when I’m on my own. It’s not helping towards my goal of exquisite self-care.
I’ve decided on Thursday evening I’ve blocked out “me time” on my calendar. I need to stick to it. It’s something I need to do regularly. I have to stand my ground to myself and to others. I’m gonna make it a ground rule.
Hopefully, by doing this, I’ll get into exquisite self-care and give my mind a break, and get my energy back.
I’m finding it difficult to describe how I’ve been today. It’s been good. It hasn’t been terrible. I’ve done things towards my goals.
I even did some yoga. It’s been nearly two weeks since I last did any. Yoga for Zombies by Yoga with Adriene was such a release. Especially when letting my arms fall with momentum.
I don’t know maybe I’m getting to a point where I’m wearing myself out again. After my in and outs with work today I’m glad it’s over.
I enjoyed my last hours of travelling. I finally found Demi Lovato – Tell Me You Love Me album. It was a good job it was just me in the car. Saves others their hearing. Certainly, don’t have Demi’s voice. O well, I’m not sorry. I love the album.
I went to my doctors yesterday about seeing how I was doing on my anti-depressants. It’s been about 5 weeks now. I’ve blogged about my leg twitches, my headaches and sickness. I’ve been having chest pains too.
All of these I mentioned. He believes they are symptoms of my stress and anxiety. As anxiety, fear and stress are my overpowering issues. He has recommended a self-help book by Christopher Williams: Overcoming Anxiety, Stress and Panic.
My doctor showed me the first edition of the Overcoming Depression book by the same author. It looked good. Has questions and activities to complete. My doctor also said if I have any questions from doing the workbook. I should write them down and book an appointment to see him.
I thought that was really good. He wants to help me get better and answering questions about what I’ve done or don’t understand is something he is willing to do. So far, other doctors, I’ve met, I feel like I couldn’t do that.
They want you in and out as quick as possible. He wants me to come back just to chat if I need it.
Another thing he would like me to do is work on slowing down my breathing. That breathing is going back to haunt me. Think I need to listen. I breathe too fast. Which isn’t helped by stress or anxiety. In turn, causes my headaches and chest pains.
I’ve been working on this today. I’m even doing it now. Breathing in for 3 seconds and then out for 3 seconds. One breath cycle should be 6 seconds; 10 breaths a minute. I can do between 20 and 40 breaths a minute normally.
No wonder I feel panicked all the time. I noticed I feel a little calmer after a few minutes of breathing slowly. Unfortunately, I go back to my fast breathing if I’m not being mindful of it.
A new goal. It’s been a while since I made one of those.
Goal: Slow my breathing down to 10 breaths a minute
It may be hard in the long run but hopefully having the foal will mean I practice the breathing techniques. Having the sense of relaxation would be a bonus.
There are two emotions I want to process today. I went to visit my Grandma C today. The first time in two months. She has changed massively. She is a different person. Cancer has taken over. To the point, I believe she has given up.
I felt guilty that I’ve put off seeing her to too long. I’ve no excuse. I’ve had plenty of chances. I just didn’t want to go. Like, there was that fear of seeing her.
She slept the whole time. I said hello and goodbye with hugs and kisses; which she woke to. She also responded a couple of times when I asked her if she was OK or needed anything.
My guilt changed to sadness.
It’s not nice seeing a family member that way. Thankfully, I wasn’t alone. My Auntie J was there, then my Uncle A arrived not long after I did. We all caught up with each other.
It was hard leaving my Grandma like that. I want to see her more often. No excuse. No fear. Just go!
I said to my friend B, earlier today that I believe my Grandma won’t make it to the New Year. I hope to be wrong but seeing her suffer, even with medication is hard for me. If it’s hard for me. How is my Grandma processing it?
Maybe giving up is her way of processing it?
I love you Grandma C. Your in my heart always.