Goals, Learning, Life

BSL Video Series: Telling the Time

Whether we’re needing the tell the time or clock watching our way through the day, using numbers to help tell the time can come in useful. If you need to, click here to go back to the number post to refresh your memory on signing numbers.

Like in the last post with signing money, you need to make sure you are using the number signs in the right context to ensure the other person knows your signing the time. In this context, the numbers are signed with a twist of the hand.

Please note: the number 5 is an upright hand and number 10 is a horizontal hand.

Telling the Time

  1. Time
  2. 1-12 o’clock

Time 2

  1. Quarter past 1
  2. Half 2
  3. Quarter to 3
  4. 25 past 5

Question and Answer

  1. Time what? Time what 7 o’clock

Previous: Money

Next: Timeframes

journal entries, Life

Journal Entries: 1st – 15th April 2019

1st April

I didn’t sleep well last night. I feel it was anxiety I had from my last shift that’s been floating around my head for the past few days. The shift itself went well. I’m not 100% comfortable but right now it’s a job that I’m able to learn from. I feel it’s gonna be valuable to me. I need to pick myself back up and enjoy the good things I have right now.


2nd April

I’m grateful to be able to spend time with my dad and step-mum.


3rd April

I spoke about what I’m feeling, or should I say not feeling. I’ve felt it for a while but been in denial/didn’t want to admit to myself. Now I just have to say it to the person who needs to hear it. Will this make me sleep better? I don’t know but I can’t let it go on longer then it should. I now just have to wait until we meet face to face.


4th April

Watched: Oceans 8 > 3 out of 5

I felt like I had a bit more of a purpose today. I volunteered this morning, came home and did some odd jobs. I even walked the dogs twice, one of which was a family occasion. I need to figure out what it is I want to be doing with my life. Is there anything in the world that is gonna pay me enough or is there something that is gonna keep me interested with the main thing of not causing me to feel anxiety?


5th April 

I got through today’s shift. I’m not 100% sure about how I go on when certain members of staff are on and in a stressful mood. But I know I shouldn’t think that way as that is trying to mind read others. That isn’t a good thing to be doing. I know this, I catch myself at times and tell myself to stop.

There are things happening with my grandparents; they’ve been ongoing for a few years but some positive things have happened today. There’s been new equipment been put in place with one set of grandparents. These will make things easier for them and us in moving around. Another grandma seems to be accepting the care home she’s been placed in the other day, for the first time in after how long a road it’s taken to get there. So fingers crossed it all stays positive.


6th April

I’ve been down today. I have no reason to give as to why. I don’t like feeling this way. I’d rather know what the reason is, that way I have an idea what to do with my issues.

I’m meeting Dave tomorrow. It’s time I need to tell him how I feel. He wants to bring things into the house but doesn’t seem to want to help get it to the finished point. I feel like there’s no care about him helping. It’s just I’ll meet you and bring things when the work is done.


7th April

Dave and I went for a walk today. Not where we originally planned; a walk all the same. I didn’t want to drive somewhere that didn’t have an escape option for the both of us after the conversation I knew I needed to say. We had the chit chat part down for most of the walk until on the way back. I started the conversation about how I felt and didn’t feel. We ended the relationship. I ended it but there was no fight back or negativity from Dave.

We agreed we could be friends still and that I could try to ask for the whole ownership of the house. It’s a waiting game to see what happens with the house and then to get our belongings back from each other’s parents house.

As a friend said “It may be crappy at the moment but it’ll get better” and from another “It’s a brand new start where you’ll flourish”.


8th April

I had my first supervision at work. It’s one where I offload about work without having any worries with what I say. I feel that way with the person I have. I think if I had someone who works on my ward full time I wouldn’t be as open. I have these every 4-6 weeks and I think they’ll help me process what I want to do work wise for the future. From that, I had a to-do and I’ve had a couple to-do beforehand. I sorted out one to-do from before the meeting and the one from the meeting.

I know I’ve grown in confidence over the last 3 months, workwise and I’m sure I’ll continue to grow each day.


9th April

Watched: Death Wish (2018) > 2 out of 5

Finished Reading: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

I thought I was good by myself. I’m independent by being able to do things for myself but I’m not comfortable fully in knowing myself and what to do to past the time. I guess being in a relationship for the past 4 and 1/2 years a part of me has been lost since I was last single.

I’m wandering around the house wondering what to do with myself on a day where it’s no telly. That is something I need to find out. Do the things I enjoy and find out new things about myself I didn’t before.

I had a walk and a dance around to music; two things I enjoy but also help with my health. I finished a book and started a new one. It was a takeaway night at my parents. They decided to eat it in front of the telly. Being no telly day for me, I was a bit apprehensive at first but I thought if I ate mine at the time I would be isolating myself, to then go to my room after the food.

Because of this, I decided to join them and we ended up watching a film together. A no telly day is something I am keeping for myself but I don’t want it to take away time with those I love.


10th April

I said to someone at work that I’d rather be alone and happy than with someone and be unhappy. For some reason I don’t yet, people get involved with things that don’t concern them. I had a friend message me today to apologise for being the reason D and I broke up.  Her ex, who happens to be a friend of D’s was blaming her because he was unhappy she had told another friend the news.

I don’t have a clue what was going through his head. I don’t want to know. I informed D with my friends’ permission and reassured her that our break up wasn’t anything to do with her and everything that she said what the truth to our other friend. It all seems bizarre really. Will have to see what surprises happen soon.


11th April

Expectation Circle:

What are my intentions for this circle?

To see the expectations I may have for what they are. To be able to reduce these over time and figure out more about myself to enable me to love me for who I am and know who I am.

Tell the truth in my journal – I don’t have to do anything about what I write until I’m ready

Expectations to me are things I feel pressure to accomplish. I say need, it’s more a should. That people-pleasing way so not to let others down, even if not 100% for me. Although I have started to reduce the expectations from my anxiety, it’s still something that causes me ill feelings.

Who am I ‘supposed’ to be right now?

Kindness Acts. Homeowner. Blogger. Single. 27. Employee. Granddaughter. Daughter. Goal Setter. Volunteer. Friend. Doggy Mum.

I’m ‘supposed’ to be in a relationship I’ve just come out of due to ease and financial. But that’s not allowing me to be happy.

What feels like a ‘should’ in my life right now?

  • I should be in my own place right now
  • I should be happy with my body and what I put into it
  • I shouldn’t be sat watching telly in all my spare time
  • I should be out with friends and family
  • I should look my best all the time
  • I shouldn’t let other people’s judgements and actions affect me
  • I should be doing actions to my goals every day
  • I should be married and have kids
  • I should fit into the personal lives of my colleagues

I have made choices before based on the path I was on and those around me expected to finish that route; whether it was to do with my career or life choices. I guess I’ve relied on those expectations of others that I haven’t trusted my gut about and known where I wanted to go in the future.

What do I want now? Am I working towards them? Are they all mine?

I want my own place, to be able to live independently and feel the freedom to do as and when I please.

I want to feel I’m being wholehearted in the life I’m living.

I want to help people live a better life.

I want to travel and have new experiences.

I say I want to live an adventurous lifestyle.

If these are true or not, I’m not 100% sure. 


12th April

My body love is lacking. I am comfort eating to the point I get pains in my stomach. I’m not doing much exercise apart from walking. Loving my body is hard. But why is it so?

I’ve received a new exercise outfit today, I like yoga and pilates. I want to get back into a routine to help me feel good about myself and in my body. It’s something I’m gonna have to work hard at. It’s not happiness that comes easily to me. I guess breaking in a new habit isn’t I don’t wanna eat and slump myself sick.

I want to live a life that allows me and my body to have the energy to get up and go. If I had that energy, maybe I would have enjoyed a great night with a friend and made a new one. I’m self-sabotaging my life. I believe a part of me is scared to get out there and live it.


13th April

We had a group meet up this evening, meaning it was the first time seeing D since we broke up. I felt awkward around him really. I guess I’ve got to get used to seeing him as a friend only now where before we’ve only had that couple status. I’ll be seeing him again tomorrow for a couple of hours. Hopefully, I’ll feel less awkward about things.


14th April

I’m letting D get under my skin. Well, I should say in my thoughts. My thoughts are causing me to be frustrated at him. The thoughts are my problem. This weekend, I’ve seen D on two occasions, both with friends. Each time he appears to be his happy go lucky self like nothing has happened. I’ve been told by a friend he’s taking the break up hard.

I don’t doubt my friend. But just like when in a relationship he’s not showing me his true feelings and it is frustrating me. Yes, we’re still friends. His deepest, darkest feelings are not mine to know anymore. But saying he is fine to me and not to another is what is causing me to take it harder then it should. It’s put me in an annoyed mood at the two meetups. I don’t want is causing a break up in the group. I need to stop it affecting my thoughts because it’s stopping me from being present in the moment.


15th April

I set myself the target of only using social media on a Friday and Saturday. I’ve been back using social media for 5 months and I’ve reverted back to using it as a procrastination and avoidance technique. I’ve had moments of picking up my phone and looking through it. If I hadn’t set myself the goal to not use social media I believe I would have spent quite a lot of time on Facebook or Instagram.

My social media and phone usage are preventing me from staying present in the moment. I’ve set this action item for myself to help me realign with myself and space; a Q2 goal. I did so well at having 13 months from social media entirely. It would be a shame to have my habit get that bad to have to reinstate that.

I feel having the 2-day social media usage week will allow me to work on stopping me grabbing my phone and think and do things I enjoy and need to get done. If I’m grabbing my phone, do I really enjoy what it is I’m doing?

Goals, Learning, Life

BSL Video Series: Money

Everyone spends money. Money is a big part of our life whether we like it or not. This post shows all the sign videos that I have learnt to do with money. During the videos, you may notice that when signing, the number is starting at my chin. This is to show the difference between the context of the number.

The signs after the number also indicate whether you are talking about pence or pounds. The letter ‘P’ is signed to indicate pence and the letter ‘L’ is signed to indicate pounds.

Pence

  1. Money
  2. 20p
  3. 30p
  4. 55p
  5. 87p

Pounds

  1. £1
  2. £3
  3. £5
  4. £7

Pound and Pence

  1. £1.50
  2. £3.25
  3. £4.70
  4. £9.99

Pound > 10

  1. £10
  2. £15
  3. £34
  4. £56
  5. £87
  6. £100

Pound and Pence > 10

  1. £25.50
  2. £31.75
  3. £49.99
  4. £91.40

How Much?


Previous: Food and Drink Sentences

Next: Telling the Time

journal entries, Life

Journal Entries: 16th – 31st March

18th March

Watched: Hurricane > 2 out of 5

I’ve been on a set of nights the past 3. During the day I’ve been focused on sleeping during the day, with that and my lack of drive to do much of anything. I’ve not done what I would usually do. Journalling is one of them.

I’m getting to the point of feeling I don’t want to go any further with my relationship. I’m gonna and need to really think about it, as it’s not doing me any favours. I feel if it wasn’t for the house I would have walked by now. Doesn’t that say a lot?


19th March

I’m beginning to mix both productive and me time to-dos into my no-telly day rather than one or the other. Having done this I feel like I’ve done something without feeling like I’ve neglected myself.

But I’ve still got my relationship status niggling at me. But I’m not really processing things like I should. I’m coasting along waiting for something to happen. Maybe I’m waiting for a sign.

Right now, I feel I need someone else to decide for me. It’ll be easier than going through the mind mush I’m feeling.


20th March

I think doing a month of nights has helped me to build my confidence up. Starting days today, I felt more settled about it. Even got proposed to by a patient. I did turn them down.

With my relationship, I feel I’m going towards the end side of things rather than stay.


21st March

Being at work has been a Godsend. I’ve not thought much of anything. I’ve been present in the moment. That’s something I need to work on throughout my personal life.

Today, I’m grateful for my dad ringing me to check in; to see if I’m ok. Being there and not making me rush my mind. Where I feel my step-dad is rushing me. That’s something in his nature but it isn’t helping me. It’s putting me down in mood since I got home from work. I was feeling good before I walked in the door.


22nd March

Watched: Us > 1 out of 5


23rd March

Dave and I had a date night last night. It wasn’t a bad date. I felt more like I was going out with a friend throughout the whole evening. At the end of the date, Dave asked how I felt about things.

Me: about in what way

Dave: us

Me: I don’t feel any difference in how I feel and if it wasn’t for the house potentially I would have already said goodbye to us already. That I think we need to go back to the beginning.

Dave: What do you mean by that.

Me: Having space and going back to dating

Dave: would it be a good idea if I go back to my parents’ house and if it will be full time or part-time.

Me: full

Dave: if you think it will work

Me: I’m not saying it will or that it won’t. I’d rather try something then not do anything at all.

Dave: Ok, I’ll ask my dad tomorrow (as in today) and move out Sunday.

We’re not broken but we’re not gonna be living together for a bit at least to see if it helps.

Me: how do you feel?

Dave: that it’s something worth trying rather than doing nothing. It’ll be strange living back with my parents and that I’ll be down for a couple of days but I’ll be ok.

I also spoke to him at the end of that date about him moving back to his parents. Just cause he’s moving back to his parents he needs to be independent. It shouldn’t mean his parents do everything for him still. He said he understood what I meant. I don’t know if his parents know the full extent of what is going on with us or anything at all. But having a girls day before our date night made me feel good about being honest with Dave wholeheartedly.


24th March

Dave has moved out. He’s taken some of his things; not all of them. I’ve been sorting my room out this evening and moved the majority of his things into a wardrobe so I can think clearly about things. It’s gonna go one of two ways. We continue life together as a couple or we don’t. The couple way is the easiest but that shouldn’t be the reason to stay. Hoping dating will allow a spark to be re-alight.

I’ve also been updating a couple of people who have no clue what’s been going on. One of whom has been Dave’s sister. I’m still waiting for a reply on what I’ve said to her. So, I’ll have to see. I have no clue what they’re gonna be like. Apparently, Dave told his dad we’re in a bump and that we’re gonna live separately until moving into the house to see if that helps. As far as I’m aware no details more or if he’s talking to anyone else about things.


25th March

It’s been 24 hours since Dave has moved out. I’ve spent my day at work so, today I haven’t thought about ‘us’ much. I’ve messaged him. To begin with, it’s cause I’ve felt I should do. Usually, after work, I’m all in a rush if I’ve had to do but this evening there’s been things I’ve needed to do but it hasn’t felt completely rushed. I’ve done more than I usually would have done.

So, far I haven’t been totally successful with my Take a Minute journal. I am gonna come back to this one. Last week my Happiness Planner arrived. I’ve started the questions last week and planned to start my 100 days today. I wasn’t successful at answering all the questions but I did start my Day 1 today and answered some more of the questions. I’ll try to do the others tomorrow or Wednesday. I’m hoping that doing the 100-day Happiness Planner that I feel or see a change in my habits by the end of it.


26th March

I’m feeling more confident at work now but I’m running my mouth where I shouldn’t at times. I need to work on this and be mindful of what and when I say things before I get into trouble. I’m already feeling anxiety over it so I know within myself it’s a bad thing. It needs to stop.

Unfortunately, we’ve received some bad news today in the family. 2 weeks ago my grandad had a mole removed which has turned back as cancerous. We are now waiting for an appointment with the consultant so we can know more about things and to what extent it’s affected him. My grandma is also, unfortunately, getting more confused and to the point, she is unable to stand without assistance. She is getting that thinking look when we come around before realising we’re her family. As my mum said ‘if it doesn’t rain, it pours.


27th March

It’s been my first day since Dave moved out. I’ve had things to do. I’ve had time to also do a review of my Q1 and make my Q2 goals, watch a film and go to a leaving do. Although my anxiety and depression are better then it used to be, I’m still getting anxiety flushes. I felt some today about the leaving do, I went through ‘I’m not going’ to ‘I’ve already said I’ll go’ a number of times before the event.

I went but I’mm not good at the talking part of a social event but I got through it and had a lovely meal with some of my work colleagues.


28th March

I was put into a funk mood due to something that happened at work. It made me feel I wasn’t good enough to do what it is I’m doing. It’s put me in a downer for the rest the day.

A good thing that came out of my work is that I’ve passed my Care Certificate training.


29th March

Finished Reading: The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Authentic Kick-Starter Course

Day 9, Part 1 Continued > I suppose that I feel like when I make a connection with someone I hope it to stay with us. I have been vulnerable but cannot see that vulnerability back. I fear that there isn’t that vulnerability connection available.

Day 10, Part 1 Continued > Learning is something that I like but to have to fail to learn something doesn’t feel right to me. Getting out of that comfort zone is something failure comes under for me. I’ve been brave and had a conversation about what I need out of our relationship. I’ve tried to get his needs and what he appreciates but that vulnerability and his needs aren’t clear. I’ve asked, with the conversation in a different way but this isn’t coming across easily.


30th March

I’m glad to have my family and friends around me. We had a lovely family meal and my friend has booked us a spa day together in just over a months time. Certainly, something to look forward to. Especially, with everything that’s been going on.

I’m still in my head. Tomorrow I need to try more to get myself out of it as I have a shift to work on Monday. I need to be on my game and not let what got me in a funk keep me feeling this way.

My telly obsession is getting in the way of me focusing on myself and my goals. Maybe I should have a year off from the TV like I did with social media and chocolate. Least the year of no chocolate has stuck past its year.

Focusing on me in the present is clearly something I’m avoiding. It’s something I need to get through regardless of how hard it might be.


31st March

My grandparents had health problems that needed seeing to today, which meant I was focusing on them today.

Life, Personal Development, Stratejoy

Q1 Review 2019

The first quarter of 2019 has had its ups and downs. The downs seem to be the way through these days. There have been relationship complications of where I’ve fallen out of love and I’m unsure I want to carry on with the relationship. I’m trying everything I can to see if any feelings will come back. Then there has been the health issues of my grandparents which is ongoing; it isn’t gonna end anytime soon.

When I sat down and reviewed this quarter with The Holiday Council this is what came about:

I’m not being the woman I want to be to the fullest. I’ve been frustrated, trapped and felt I’m not feeling the feelings that I should do.  I haven’t been feeling peaceful or finding pleasure in the things I do. I’ve been bold and open in how I have been feeling especially when it’s potentially changing everything that’s been in the pipeline over the last year.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve had ups this quarter. I’ve started a new job, had time spent with my friends. I’ve been to a strongman event and been on holiday to Rome.

Because of the challenges in my relationship; we’ve cancelled the wedding. I’ve learnt I can’t live my life as settling with what I’ve got. I need to be happy with every area.

I’ve honoured my ways of being; bold, evolve and open in parts. With my theme Bloom, I feel I’m at the area on setting my roots before I’m set to Bloom into the open. I haven’t had the feeling of pleasure in my daily life but I’ve felt it in dancing to music and having my nail done.

The two quarter one goals haven’t been accomplished but they are underway. I’ve been able to tick off some of the checklist items over the past few months. The house is getting to the point of being liveable but it’s currently up in the air to whether I will enjoy the space. With inhibiting my body I have found I am comfortable with dancing to music and having my nails done.

img_20190331_1642355940778339784835285.jpg

I feel for quarter 2 I’m craving myself being happy. To get myself to focus on me and to ensure I’m going down the right path. Due to this, I’ve decided on the following two goals:

  1. Get out of the house
  2. Realign with myself and my space

img_20190327_124308111504871458165101.jpg

Both are maintenance goals but with where I am right now in my life, it is something I need to focus on. I’ve put them on my board with some action items to include in my life. I’m also using The Happiness Planner to see if I learn something while completing that too. With me focusing on myself, I hope quarter 2 helps me find the answers I’m looking for.

Goals, Learning, Life

BSL Video Series: Food and Drink Sentences

In the previous post on food and drink, the signs were showing the vocabulary for some food and drinks that are available. The main part of this post is to show these used in sentences when asking if you are thirsty or hungry and if you like or dislike certain foods.

To begin with, the first video is one more vocabulary sign video, showing describing words that can be used in a sentence with food and drink.

Describing Vocabulary:

  1. Favourite
  2. Like
  3. Don’t Like
  4. Full Up
  5. Hungry
  6. Thirsty

Hungry Question

  1. You Hungry? Me, hungry yes.
  2. You like eat what? I like cheese sandwiches, please.

Thirsty Question

  1. You thirsty? I’m thirsty.
  2. You like drink what? I like coffee, please.

Like and Don’t Like

  1. I don’t like orange juice
  2. I like fish

Previous: Food and Drink Vocab

Next: Money

journal entries, Life

Journal Entries: 1st – 15th March 2019

1st March

Authenticity Kick Starter Course

Day 10, Part 1 > Fear is holding me back. The fear of failure. The fear I’m going to start something again and I hate it. Fear that I’m doing something just because and not know what I truly want or doing the right thing.

Next week, my partner and I are going to Rome, we’re going through a rocky patch and there are some difficult conversations that need to be had. During this holiday I feel I should use the time to try to establish a re-connection and have some, if not all, the difficult conversations.

My achievement today: Completed all of my mileage evidence from my previous job.


2nd March

My authenticity kick starter course; I’ve decided to put on hold until I get back from Rome. Early in the morning, I’ll be getting on a plane with my fiance. I’m not 100% I want to marry anymore. How did I get here? How did I get to the point in feeling different about our relationship?

Maybe our holiday away will give some answers. I can’t even say when my feelings changed or whether my heart or mind is taking the lead. Sometimes I feel I’m miles ahead and my partner is at a standstill. Are we just growing out of or from each other? I don’t know what to say, do or how to act around him.

Being apart for the few days the past couple of weeks, I haven’t really missed him probably like I should. I’ve thought about him at times but not missed him. Am I scared of being alone? Is this all I’m good for?


3rd March

Rome Day 1


4th March

Rome Day 2


5th March

Rome Day 3


6th March

Rome Day 4


7th March

I didn’t sleep well last night. I feel like I’m coming down with a cold. My body, throat and head were aching and I felt sick. Even with not feeling well, I woke better than when I went to bed.

It was time to say goodbye to Rome. The scary shuttle car ride back to the airport allowed us to see some of the sights again. I’m just glad I didn’t have to drive while in Rome. I didn’t feel comfortable as a passenger. However, we got to the airport in one piece. The plane journey back my body ached in parts.

Once we landed it was just to find the car and then I could drive home and go to bed. Unfortunately, that wasn’t meant to be. My car wouldn’t unlock, once I did get in with the lock and key my car wouldn’t start. In my 10 years of driving, I’ve never had to call a breakdown company, until today. I pretty much guessed right that it was a dead battery. I would have cried to the point that I nearly did. But that wasn’t gonna achieve anything.

After an hour of waiting, it was confirmed my battery was dead. The repair guy; John was able to get it started again but I was still none the wiser as to why. Until possibly 10 minutes later I noticed my light above was on constant, not just for when the door opens. That’ll do it.

We got home in the end, me desperate for a wee. My aches and pains still happening; a cold for definite. This evening I’ve had scenes out of films come into my head. One I believe I’ve found to be Arctic Blast but the other is too generic for me to pinpoint the film.

I’m back home in my bed. I enjoyed my holiday but I’m glad to be back.


8th March

Watched: A Monster Calls > 3.5 out of 5

Authenticity Circle – Stratejoy

Intention: Allowing myself to be authentic in my life with myself and others. Find a route to help me to be so. Answer the questions honestly to figure out things going through my head.

Reaction: Fear and expectations stopping. Heavy heart. Is my truth really my truth? Seeing cracks in my life. Letting authenticity bubble to the surface. I can’t please everyone. I need to please myself. Strength measured by picking my heart off the floor and being me. Trust in my own strength.

Authenticity is something to be proud of, to love. Other people cannot judge your authenticity; it’s you. They’ll love you for you. You know in your heart what you want and the life you want to live so do it! Stop letting fear and other peoples expectations stop you. Stop me.

I need to figure out who I am, what brings me joy, turns me on, what my yeses and nos’ are. Then how I want to show who I am, where and with whom. I want to show up. I don’t feel I’m connect with my authentic self right now. I don’t know where I lost it. But I do know I want it back. How to figure out who I am is something that scares me but a journey I want to take.

History: I can’t pinpoint when I’ve felt like I’ve been myself. I feel I’ve been myself but others have judged and shot me down. I’ve stopped being myself, being the way they want me to be. Being reserved. I’ve felt disconnected a few times, mainly when my mental health has been bad. Right now, I feel dis-interested with most things in my life. I don’t know where to go, or what to do with anything.

I feel it’s safe to be myself in certain areas of my life, with certain people in my life. I guess it’s the fear of judgement stopping me and what others are expecting from me. If I can be myself to certain people I should be able to be myself with all. I guess being authentic is currently out of my comfort zone.


9th March

Watched: Bait > 2 out of 5

I’m feeling dis-interested about most of the things in my life. Dave is a big part of that disinterest. I’m sure I could do or say something that could change it but right now going through a cold I don’t want to be doing much. I pretty much have watched telly the past 2 days. I did go do some shopping this morning and had my hair done. But with the wet, cold, windy weather it didn’t make me feel better.


10th March

I’ve felt shocking and lack of energy today. I felt better as the day went on and was able to eat something. I told Dave about me wanting to cancel the wedding and having no desire for sex until my feelings change for me. I got an OK in reply.


11th March

Watched: Escape Plan > 2.5 out of 5
Father of the Year > 2 out of 5
Velvet Buzzsaw > 1 out of 5

I had a better nights sleep. Which I hope continues tonight. I got up and went to my volunteer place. Pushing the wheelbarrow in the mud and still recovering from my cold was interesting. In the end, one of the owners said I looked like I needed a hug. I basically came home and watched films all day with Dave. I’ve no motivation for anything and Dave is letting me just watch films. I did do some washing I suppose.

But I need to get myself out of my funk. Tomorrow is no telly day so I can’t turn on the telly, much to my current dismay. I’ve plenty of things I could be doing. I could also try living the life I claim I want. At this rate, I’m gonna be a telly addict that dies alone in front of the telly.

With the wedding officially cancelled there are some things that need to be sorted out there too. Do I have commitment problems? Or do I just not wanna commit to Dave? All these things and more I need to figure out but I keep procrastinating.


12th March

Finished: The Gifts of Imperfections by Brene Brown

Authenticity Kick Starter Course

Day six, Part 1 Continued: I did get my nails done that weekend 🙂 I had my hair done this weekend too. I think it will be harder for me this next weekend as I’m working nights. Sleep during the day is important but I feel I need to do something else for myself too.

Day nine, Part 1 Continued: With my relationship, I feel I have lost connection I had between us that was once there. That something needs to change with the both of us and the connection to come back for there to be a future that would be great. Two months ago I told my partner about the loss of connection and lack of support I felt. Since then I haven’t felt any change other then the anger has gone. With the anger gone, I still not feeling any connections and changes yet that is helping me to see much more of a future going forward.

Day nine, Part 2 Continued: That’s a very good question, I have no idea what I would be doing if I was in my Zone of Genius.

Day ten, Part 1 Continued: Failure is something I have been telling myself that shouldn’t happen. Failure is something that I’m not allowed to do or others to see me do. I guess what worries me about failure is that the hurt and embarrassment that comes with it. That I don’t take risks because this is something that could happen and it’s not something I want to happen. I stay mostly where it is safe and it isn’t doing me any favours. I want to have a love and the support without having to push or ask for it all of the time. I want natural flow in a relationship. One where I don’t have to make all of the decisions or plan our road for our future. Right now brave communication would be sitting down and having it without feeling sick or anxiety rising up in me.


13th March

I’m definitely retreating back into myself and using watching telly to escape daily matters as well as the communications I need to have. Thus isn’t helping my feelings of disconnection and loneliness. I need to sort myself out and get my act into gear into knowing what I want.

The past couple of days I’ve had the idea of adding an extra day to my no telly Tuesdays. I have four days off a week. I can’t be spending 3/4 of them in front of the telly. I’m not gonna be able to life my life that way. I’ve decided to include Thursday to make it no telly Tuesday and Thursday.

I wanna get myself and my act into gear and sitting in front of the telly isn’t gonna help. Especially if I wanna figure out my feelings towards Dave and I. I can’t feel them if I don’t get myself involved with my feelings.


14th March

A friend of mine got me a ‘Take a Minute’ journal for my last birthday. I’ve used it to reflect 6 times. 3 fully and 3 I started but never completed. Since I haven’t done much else in it. Today I got it out and did a appreciate page.

Today I’ve appreciated having a me day. Dave and I did a couple jobs first thing this morning and walked the dogs. Since then, around 11am, I’ve done what I’ve wanted to do as the day has gone on. I even got a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle out and spent a couple hours doing it while listening to music.

I forgot how much I missed this. It’s been pretty much a year since I last did that and that was when I lived in the old place before moving in with Dave. It’s definitely something I wanna continue doing more of. Plus using the ‘Take a Minute’ journal too. Especially the connection and smile sections.