External Validation

Can I truly be myself if I keep looking for external validation?

I can’t control other people’s thoughts. I can’t control outcomes. I won’t experience success or failure until it’s upon me. There are some things that are beyond my control.

Why try to manipulate my brain power, if I can’t control what I can’t control?

Surely, I’ll get tired faster, leading towards failure.

If I try to control, how am I being present in the now?

Other people’s thoughts are their own. Thoughts are just thoughts. They come and go. Other people’s perspectives are different to my own. We may look at the same piece of art and see and feel different things. We may watch the same film, at the same time, in the same screen. You may have an insight. I may not. It was just an alright film to me.

How can I become attached to other people’s expectations, reactions or values when they’re not mine?

To be myself and to act in accordance with my values; I need to release other people’s validations. I am the one that is happy doing what I love. I’m the one experiencing the emotions, completing the actions. I’m the only one who can be me.

#3 Release others values, expectations and reactions – Molly Mahar


Accepting of having no plans

I feel today has been a day where I’ve felt ok not having a plan for the day. Even with bowling had been booked for this evening.

I had a pyjama day until 3pm. I can’t remember the last time I had a PJ day. I got my wardrobe emptied. Having suitcases and boxes around has certainly made it feel real today that we’re moving.

I enjoyed our family bowling and meal this evening. I’m still not winning but I loved it none the less.

Watched: Sex Tape > 5 out of 5

I’d have been an anxiety-fueled, emotional wreck of a cannonball

I’ve kicked myself into gear a little. I’ve done the majority of my wardrobe. I now have clothes curtains for the next couple weeks.

It’s hitting me more now that we’re moving. The doing is getting me excited.

I’m getting closer to finishing my NVQ. I’m now at 90.7%. It’s so close but still feels so far. I’ve also started my Life Coach level 2.

I’m feeling positive about life right now. So much has changed in 2018 already, it’s somewhat unbelievable that 2017 was life a demolition in ways. It was a hard year and I coped well but not very well.

Understanding that my mind is creating thoughts that I don’t need to give attention to, waking up the awareness of that conscious freedom is liberating.

This time last year, if I had a fully planned out day like today, where things didn’t go to plan, I’d have been an anxiety-fueled, emotional wreck of a cannonball. I would not have coped.

Today I accepted and the day felt like a breeze. Even when things didn’t go to plan. With the bonus of achieving approximately 11,871 steps.

Lone Trip to London

My lone trip to London and back for the UCP meet up has been a success. No anxiety attacks. I did have some worry thoughts at times but my overall thoughts were reduced.

My first hurdle came when arriving at the London Underground to find that the tube lines I was planning for were closed. My mind went into a whirlwind trying to read the underground map. I saw Paddington but couldn’t even see where I was.

Thankfully an attendant was close by for me to ask. Which got me to the hotel with 5 minutes to spare until the start time.

My next hurdle was the fact it was a large group. Here is where my mind goes on lockdown. To the block dark space, I cause myself to build when anxiety flares. I struggle to communicate and connect when there are large groups of people.

Today was no different. But my thoughts were more settled. I did start a couple of conversations up and a couple of people started with me too. But the majority of the other people had better connections then what I’m skilled at.

But I did it. I spent the whole day there and found the meet up interesting. I’ve always been a logical thinker, always a notebook in hand to write notes. It was different and very strange to sit there and listen to what’s going on in the here and now.

I feel I wanna continue this but think it may take time to adjust. Accept that my mind can take information, process and retain what I’ve heard or had insights on.

A big achievement for me today. Clocks changing early morning tomorrow, I feel I need the hour I’m gonna lose.

What’ve you achieved today?

I wanna wean myself off my anti-depressants

I’ve deciding to start weaning myself off my anti-depressants. This isn’t the first time I’ve weaned myself off them.

If I remember correctly I did it quickly last time. This time I’m not gonna rush. I am going to do it gradually over the next year. That way I can monitor how I’m feeling.

Watched: Tomb Raider (2018) > 3.5 out of 5

Are you being yourself?

Growing up, even still to this day people tell me to be yourself. In my 26 years of life so far, is it the ‘norm’ to know who I am, where I wanna be and what my life is gonna hold?
My mind processed all the information around me. I either see and understand it or I don’t.
I know what my past journey has been like. I’ve had ups and downs. In and out of the doctors, with this or that wrong with me. I’ve gained and lost friends. I’ve lost myself and found myself again. My anxiety, my depression has been ruling me. Anti-depressants within my system.
I’ve backed out. I’ve run away. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I’ve lied. I’ve been kind. I’ve been cruel. I’ve been many more a type of person.
Do I know who I am? Not entirely. I know what I feel, what I think and a path is in view. My past doesn’t define me. Yes, it is my past. It always will be. My past isn’t who I am today.
I can tell you some of my likes, dislikes. My aspirations. The person I want you to see me as. The legacy I wanna leave behind. That’s only a part of me.
My thoughts have been rolling around my head, all my life. Thoughts, I’ve had to deal with. Thoughts that have stopped me doing or saying something. Thoughts that have been positive but have been pushed to one side, hiding in the darkness of the negativity bullying their way forward.
My thoughts are just that: thoughts.
They are balloons floating by. Until one keeps getting bigger, ready to burst, needing my attention. After letting out some air, the balloon is safe to continue, floating, gently over the horizon.
Thoughts are transient. Short-lived. Thoughts come and go. These thoughts have been weathering a storm, bursting for too long.
That gentle flow towards the horizon, the calm, lightening up my days. I’m becoming conscious of myself and the world I’m in. Starting to live for me. Not for others and certainly not for my thoughts.
My mind is open to endless possibilities. Insights.
I can’t tell the future. Tomorrow I’ll be myself and more. Continuing to grow each day. My consciousness emerging in all areas, freeing my mind of thoughts. Allowing me to shine through.

Q1 Review: 2018

The first 3 months of 2018 has come to an end. I feel like I’ve embodied my theme so far this year. I’m unconsciously working towards my big goals for the year too.

I’m becoming the woman I wanna be in the world. I’ve still got some work to do to reach my goals. Being a better me is always gonna be an ongoing priority for me.

Because of this and my daily writing, I feel I’m achieving my Q1 goal of being honest with others. I’m telling my story. I’m being true to myself. My mental health is better for it.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to complete my NVQ this quarter. It’s something I’m not able to control. There does seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Fingers crossed I’ll be able to complete by the end of April.

A number of things are gonna change by the end of April. By then I’ll have moved and Dave can move in too. Work is gonna be different as I’ll be living in a different area.

With the number of changes in April alone, I didn’t want my Q2 goals to be too taxing but still allow me to move forward in finding myself.

My first goal is:

  • Daily Movement

I need to focus on my health and body more. Really get into the habit to exercise. Make my body stronger. I struggle to scrape the ice off my windscreen. That should be a sign to build up my muscles right?

My second goal is:

  • Be Smart with my Resources

Within 10 days of being paid, I had £12 left. This £12 has been sat doing nothing for weeks because I can’t afford to pay anything with it. I’ve been relying on Dave and my mum to be able to live. It’s great having my partner and family to help me when needed but I need to be able to support myself all the time.

With being smart I wanna budget, really think about being more frugal with my life and think is it necessary to buy this? If I can afford to buy something that isn’t a must then I can afford to put it in the house fund.

If I wanna spend Christmas 2019 in our own home I really need to do as I say to others.

Here’s to a great quarter.

How has your quarter treated you?