Life, Mental Health

19/09

I didn’t go to the house today. I thought about it. But sitting curled up on the sofa with the dogs and a good book, appealed to me more. My eyes have been aching more. I feel having so many early mornings aren’t agreeing with me.

I finally did a food shop for the 1st time in nearly 2 weeks. I posted a letter, I’d written to E. But I also declined going out this evening.

With my early mornings and my mindset it’s a good things to rest. I just don’t want to make it a habit.

Dave was at the house waiting for the delivery of timber. He got a few things done. I have organised with B to do a couple more hours Friday. Hoping to finish the removing of wallpaper. It’s gonna be a busy weekend. I hope my eyes last.

Life, Mental Health

17/09

I’m going back into my head. My mind is going to the negative extreme thoughts. Of things going wrong, something bad happening to others or me being ill. It’s effecting my mood. What I’m doing or saying.

I’ve been to the house. I did finish off the second bedroom wall paper removing. A part of me nearly didn’t. A part of me is just wanting to curl up in bed, stick the telly on and forget about everything or one around me. I’m going through some amazing life things in my life. But I can’t seem to get the joy out of me.

I’m reverting in on myself again. I need and want the thoughts to go away.

The good things that happened today:

  1. The gas meter got changed
  2. A bit more of the house got done
  3. Dave and I spent time watching telly together
  4. We had a meal together
  5. Alfie came to have a cuddle
  6. I said no thank you to photographers I queried on
  7. I’m starting a new book

Watched: The Jurassic Games > 2 out of 5

Life, Mental Health, Writing

2 Days Not Writing

For my mental health, I started writing to see if it would help. It has massively. In the last 10 days I haven’t written on 2 occasions. Considering I have written for a whole year and only had 5 days of that time where I didn’t write. I found this concerning.

Usually, I’d be stressing and beating myself up over it. This time I haven’t. It’s happened. There’s nothing I can do about it now. I’ve had an emotional, depending week.

I’m accepting what is. Hope to get a good night’s sleep this evening. Last night I had both my self and Dave up. It’s not fair on him either. Possibly being at the in laws will help being a different setting to help me sleep.

Life, Mental Health, Writing

Having a Low Point

I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t focus on doing one thing. My mind is all over the place. I’d much rather watch a Greys Anatomy Marathon then think or do anything to help myself.

I’m eating rubbish, which is giving me a sugar hangover if that’s a thing. Comfort eating to delay solving myself. The problem is me. No doubt about it.

I’ve no ‘get up and go’ attitude to sorting my life out right now. I can’t expect it to be okay and fall into place when I have the keys in my hand. Yes, it’ll give me a purpose for a while but it won’t fix me. Just delay the possible.

I’m in that mindset that I had no words yesterday and I didn’t even get my journal out. I’m self-sabotaging. I’m my own worst enemy.

I did do daily movement; my car had its MOT. Instead of sitting and waiting I walked home and back again to collect it. If I took the MOT away would I have done the daily movement? I don’t know. Maybe not.

I need to buck up my ideas. Get shit done and really figure me out to find my purpose in life.


Watched:
Valarian > 1 out of 5

Life, Mental Health, Writing

After Yesterdays Meltdown

I feel miles better after yesterdays meltdown. I’m never gonna feel right saying “it’s ok, we’re gonna help you” again.

I’ve got over the shock and to know other carers don’t think any less of me and are on my side.

I’m dreaming of getting the keys to the house soon so that I can look for another job. I still need to think of exactly what I want from my new job.

Life, Mental Health, Writing

Fierce Self-Love: Part 2

To be able to love my body completely, I need to learn to love myself fully. To do this I need to know what I love about myself. I’ve grown up very much a people pleaser. Forgoing my own self-love majority of the time.

Up until my mental health decline, I never even thought about self-love as a thing that needed to happen. Now that I know otherwise and I’m less of a people pleaser; I’m now not doing everything for others above myself.

I now realise I’ve got to look after myself and my needs, in order to help others. Even with this realisation, I don’t or haven’t looked within myself of the things I love about myself.

Having a pause to think about this;

I do love that I have the capacity to help others.

I love the motivation to better my mental health.

I love that I’m determined to make something of my life, to find my purpose.

I love the kind heart, the logical and creativity of my brain.