Life, Mental Health

‘Its not something I wanna do’

I’ve had periods of ups and downs with my energy. I again struggled to get to sleep and if I woke I couldn’t get back to sleep.

I had a pick me up when Dave and I went to the animal shelter. I didn’t get chased by Blossom or the Cockerel.

We watched a film together once home and shopping was done. I feel like I’m coming down with something but don’t think that’s anything but stress.

Dave and I then went to the pantomime; Cinderella. I really enjoyed it and it took my mind off things for a while. I just hope I’m coping well rather then going further down to where I need to go back on anti-depressents. It’s not something I wanna do.

Family, Life, Mental Health

Trying to go deeper in my writing

I’ve had moments or days over the past couple of weeks where I’ve retreated into my head. I’ve had no words. I’ve felt sorry for myself. I’m getting myself to the point I’m exhausted I can’t do anything but sleep.

I’ve a lot going on in my life. I don’t always face them when I should. I like to hide from the issues in my life. This isn’t something I wanna do. It’s like a habit I can’t shake. When I wrote that Taylor Swift song Shake it off came into my head. Then the Dwayne Johnson lip sing of that song came into my head. 

My mind likes to wander off. Whether its the right time or not. There are times I can over embellish my problems. Is that the right meaning? I can also talk a lot of crap too. At this point, I started going through my journal. 

I get mind blanks. I think of an event in the future and think of scenarios, making my anxiety levels go up.

How was my life today?

It’s not a good feeling for me to wake to have to defrost my car. I’ve never been a big fan of the cold. The only thing I like about winter is Christmas and I feel that’s all a fantasy in my head.

I had two customer calls then back home for me. I did a week’s worth of mileage, which took me an hour and a half. While messaging people and organising my pre-employment meeting for tomorrow.

I found that the security software people were taking £70 out of my account because of my control issues and trying to take over things this time last year. Thanks to my step-dad that is all resolved.

I’ve started or should I say I’ve started to continue watching Once Upon a Time again. I’m on season 3.

But then I needed to go back to a customer. The final one of the day. Three customers all before lunch ending? Not what I call a job in my books. In the respect that I wanna work a whole shift in one go over a number of hours and not go in and out like I’m currently doing.

While at that customer my mum asked if I could go to my grandparents earlier then I had planned so I said yes. Plus my mum had an appointment.

On my way there I spoke to my dad. Since his diagnoses with Multiple Sclerosis, a couple of years ago we’ve spoken more honest with each other and more often. How bad is it that a long-term health condition can be the reason to bring people closer together.

Once I got to my grandparents I was there for a good four hours. At a time I had, I’m not sure but is resentment the right word. The wanting to run away but I’m trapped, why can’t my mum come to tag me out feelings. Just admitting that makes me feel like the worse granddaughter ever.

My grandma has Alzheimer’s. She has shakes and her balance isn’t the best. She needs to have someone around 24/7 to ensure she’s safe. My grandad is her sole carer. He is in need of a pacemaker and has been needing corrections with his eyes.

It took me and mum, months to get grandad to agree to get carers in. We have them now every morning and twice a week in an afternoon. Today was one of those days, the reason I ended up going earlier than planned was due to the carer running late and not knowing when they would get there so my grandad cancelled.

That time is for my grandad to have a break. We didn’t want this taken away from him, so, hello me. My grandad was able to go swimming, do an odd job, then go to his eye appointment as was the original plan. That meant I got to spend time with my grandma.

Once I got home, I got frustrated with Dave as he didn’t see the text about starting dinner while I was on my way home. I quickly got over that. Once dinner was done, we watched a few more episodes of the Netflix original TV series Scream. A few more sittings and we’ll have finished it.

Having a heart to heart isn’t our thing. I’ve brought up the lack of communication before with Dave. I don’t want to keep sounding like a broken record. Most of that I believe is in my head; down to me retreating into my head. I suppose I find it hard to think of things to say or how to bring up conversations as it is.

I suppose that is the reason why I started journaling in the first place. I also believe this is the longest plus deepest I’ve gone in my writing. Full honesty discloser here. Maybe it’ll help me sleep at night. But then again it’s me feeling cold that’s preventing that. I think this is my honestly for one day. But I know I need to do it more.

Life, Mental Health

Procrastinating How I’m Feeling With Crappy Horror Films

The electrician has been to finish the last plug socket. I’ve booked our smart meter installation. Is it sad I’ve got excited about having a smart meter?

I don’t have much to say about how it feel this evening. I’m feeling too tired to do so. To think and deal. I think that’s why we like watching crappy horror films.


Watched: Freddie Vs Jason > 1/2 out of 5

Hush > 1 1/2 out of 5

Life, Mental Health, Writing

‘I feel I don’t trust myself’

I really want the job I went for the other day. A part of me really does hope it’s a yes. Hearing a no, is something I’m not prepared for. The more I hear or not hear from my current job is more time I’m feeling and thinking I wanna curl up in bed and not get up.

Even though that’s how I feel, I couldn’t do that to my customers. Even when I’ve felt ill, I’ve got to the point my mum or the doctor has told me to call in sick. Except once I made the decision to call in sick, as I was the next day I felt completely better.

I guess I feel I don’t trust myself to some extent. Making the wrong decisions, not being in control of the things happening in my life. I definitely have let go of some of the control issues I had but most still are a weight on my shoulder.


Watching: The Mountain Between Us > 3.5 out of 5

The Perfect Storm (2000) > 3 out of 5

Life, Mental Health, Writing

‘I can’t wait to be in my own house’

10:36 pm:

I get a message from Dave. It’ll be another house before he’s home. Is it best to go to his mums?

I panic and worry about my parents’ reactions. I hate this feeling and start crying my eyes out. How pathetic?

But that is how I feel. I hate that I do. That I have been made to feel scared to arrive home after a certain time. I really hate it. If we were living in our own place I wouldn’t feel this way. We’d be able to come and go as we please. No matter the time.

I sent a message to my mum to come upstairs. She found me crying my eyes out. Once I calmed, I told her about the message and that it’ll be later. I said I was being stupid. But I said the truth.

David is coming back here. Even at the later time. But I don’t feel that it’ll change how I feel about being, being made to feel like I have a curfew when I don’t. I’ve never had a curfew. It’s not that I stayed out late all the time. I was a good kid.

But I guess it is my take on other people words. My mum obviously told my step-dad and he came up to hug me and said there’s no need to cry. Even so, I still can’t wait to be in my own house.

Life, Mental Health

19/09

I didn’t go to the house today. I thought about it. But sitting curled up on the sofa with the dogs and a good book, appealed to me more. My eyes have been aching more. I feel having so many early mornings aren’t agreeing with me.

I finally did a food shop for the 1st time in nearly 2 weeks. I posted a letter, I’d written to E. But I also declined going out this evening.

With my early mornings and my mindset it’s a good things to rest. I just don’t want to make it a habit.

Dave was at the house waiting for the delivery of timber. He got a few things done. I have organised with B to do a couple more hours Friday. Hoping to finish the removing of wallpaper. It’s gonna be a busy weekend. I hope my eyes last.

Life, Mental Health

17/09

I’m going back into my head. My mind is going to the negative extreme thoughts. Of things going wrong, something bad happening to others or me being ill. It’s effecting my mood. What I’m doing or saying.

I’ve been to the house. I did finish off the second bedroom wall paper removing. A part of me nearly didn’t. A part of me is just wanting to curl up in bed, stick the telly on and forget about everything or one around me. I’m going through some amazing life things in my life. But I can’t seem to get the joy out of me.

I’m reverting in on myself again. I need and want the thoughts to go away.

The good things that happened today:

  1. The gas meter got changed
  2. A bit more of the house got done
  3. Dave and I spent time watching telly together
  4. We had a meal together
  5. Alfie came to have a cuddle
  6. I said no thank you to photographers I queried on
  7. I’m starting a new book

Watched: The Jurassic Games > 2 out of 5