I’m having a moment of feeling, well I can’t say left out, like the lack of inclusion. The feeling like I’m missing out.
There’s a gathering at our mates this evening. Here’s me writing this while in bed, when all are having fun. I’ve been home from work an hour, due to go to bed shortly so I can get up for my morning work.
I’ve felt that tiredness like I’ve got a weight on my head but no obvious reason for having so. Maybe, unconsciously it’s because of the feeling I know now. Knowing Dave has gone and stayed with his parents so not to disturb me and the dogs coming home in the middle of the night.
I’m glad he’s being thoughtful and not wanting to disturb me. At the same time, it’s the the first night since moving in together where we’re not gonna be beside one another. I know I’m being a soppy person.
I’m not comfortable being affectionate in public. I seem fine with a pen and paper. I’m just being honest in my feelings. That’s what I want my writing to be about; Honesty.
We went to a wedding open day at a venue close to home today. Before going I had in my head that I don’t want my wedding in a marquee but this one impressed me. It had that indoor vibe rather than a tent popped up.
This venue (The Holmefield Arms) has turned out to be a real contender. The only doubt about it is about disabled access to the ceremony room. This could make or break this as a possibility.
I liked this one over The Rodgerthorpe one we saw last month at a fayre. The disadvantage to that venue is the numbers. Think I’ll keep my eye out for an open day so we can see a set up for the wedding space.
Even though we decided we’re gonna get married in 2021. We’re unable to book a venue. I’m glad we’re looking as we’re able to take our time looking around. I can get a feel for the places without having to rush to make a decision and have that doubt behind my choice.
I want our big day to feel right in all ways.
Watched: Peter Rabbit > 4 out of 5
Keeping up with the Jones > 4 out of 5
The Colony (2015) > 3 out of 5
Having the day to ourselves, we decided to go out. We had a plan to go to Knaresborough to do the treasure trail we have. With the wind and the sky looking grey we decided to do that on a nicer day.
The weather didn’t stop us going out. We decided to be tourists close to home. We went to The Hepworth Gallery, Wakefield. Free entry. Lovely artwork. I fell in love with one. For the life of me, I cannot remember the name of the artist. It was called ‘The Problem with Humans’.
It made me smile and my eyes light up. We took our time walking around, saw the latest exhibition that ended today.
Before we went, I said that once we’ve been we don’t have to go again. Although that is true. After going today, I’d love to go again.
We’ve noted the dates for the next exhibition Feb-June and are planning to go see it when we’re able. Maybe on a rainy day like today. Despite the weather, we still decided to park in a free car park 20 minutes walk away. One it saved us parking money. Two it got us doing our walk for the day.
One of the things I took from today’s outing is that just because I believe something isn’t for me or I won’t like it, doesn’t mean that’s the case. I thought going to the art gallery wouldn’t be for me at all. But we both enjoyed it and would like to go again.
It’s like that little insight telly me that I shouldn’t judge or have a negativity mindset going into things. Just be in the moment and take what’s around me in at the time.
Watched: The Maze Runner: The Death Curse > 4 out of 5
It’s rare when we get a whole 48 hours together. Dave works every Saturday, me every other weekend. We don’t get a whole weekend together without booking it off. When I am off on a weekend, I’m spending apart of my day figuring out what I wanna do.
There are times I love having the time to myself. Others I feel its an inconvenience.
Our first 48 hours off together in 2018. It’s been a blessing. I’ve felt more relaxed by our relationship and with the whole time together. Each day we had an event to go to. I usually stress over these too.
But I’ve had fun. Even with the adulting as well. Tomorrow is another day of family celebration. Feeling positive about #joy2018.
Watched: Pitch Perfect 3 > 3 out of 5
When I said I spoke to Dave about how I felt the other day. Did I tell you I did it over text? I know, probably not the best way to break news about your relationship feelings. He did ask me if I was annoyed at him via text I didn’t wanna lie.
Still, no excuse not to do it face to face.
On our walk today we or should I say I started to talk about it face to face. It was just us. No phones. Just talking.
Both got to fully understand how I feel. He was able to tell me if he’d like any changes. He just agreed with what I’d already said I needed to work on. I will admit, it’s not just Dave that needs to improve. I need to work on my letting go of control and spending less.
It all takes times. That’s something else I need to work on.
The second decision my other half has made is to start looking for wedding venues etc. This is what I’d like but we can’t afford a mortgage right now. I don’t want to be setting my heart on wedding ideas that may or may not be available for when we are able to afford to get married.
I know I said I was irritated and bored with our relationship and that he needs to get his drive and initiative into gear. I kinda meant on a personal level to help the relationship, not big leaps. I’ll have to see what a conversation face to face will do.
This evening he has been giving ideas on things to do, activities can go do. All well and good. I’m glad he’s making a decision but we still need to drop off Christmas Presents!! And in a few hours, it’s the New Year.
But here’s me writing, moaning about him doing something. He’s not a mind reader. He doesn’t know what I want. He’s had the majority of things done for him. He’s not had to think about certain responsibilities or those little things that need doing.
Certainly going to be working on my letting go of control and no micromanaging for a while relationship wise.
I’ve said something to Dave. Afer my relationship rant a couple of nights ago. Avoidance. I have been open about my feelings. It’s funny he can tell I’m annoyed, irritable or any other word you wanna use over text message but not face to face.
Maybe I’m a good actress after all.
He knows I’m irritable and bored with our relationship. Told him the reasons why I felt this way. He said “Fair enough, I’ll work on that”.
It’s not the first time I’ve said something to him. Back in July, when I was going through a particularly bad patch of anxiety and depression. Before I went on my medication. I spoke to him about not feeling connected etc.
That has improved but because of how I’ve come to feel, that connection has reduced again. I don’t wanna keep going around in circles.
I’ve told a couple of my friends about how I’m feeling. One of which I’m meeting up with for lunch in a couple of days. It’ll be interesting what she has to say face to face. Being able to tell all the details. Well, at least my side of things.
The other half hasn’t been forthcoming about his feelings. Even though, I’ve just received a message about the first sort out of 2018 is gonna be to see if can get a mortgage.
Might be an idea to sort out our relationship first. But hey ho, see what happens.