A Road to Less What Ifs

I think I’m a quitter. Keeping up with things, facing challenges or the fear of what lies ahead. I just walk away. I remember saying “I don’t want to do this”

I remember saying “I don’t want to do this” about dance classes when I was a kid. Thankfully, I got over stage fright in secondary school.

I did one day of girl guides. I remember crying in my mum’s arms. Couldn’t give you the reason now.

I jump from one thing to another. My attention span is short.

I say I’m a quitter. I should say I used to be a quitter.

I get scared, fear things. Anxiety flaring.

But I’m better. Not 100% better. But better enough that I take responsibility.

I say I’m scared. I fear the unknown.

I don’t just give up. I still stop doing things or can’t be arsed when I know I should. On the road to recovery. I have a long way to go. I have many unknown lessons in life to learn. Fear won’t get me through. As far as any nerves I have. I need to use them positively.

Help me to push through. To enjoy every moment of life. See all I should face. So that I don’t have to say What IF?

Being Alone

There was a time when all I wanted was to be home alone. Be in a house where I could do my own thing and when I wanted. Well, it’s not so great after all. My parents left this morning on a two-night getaway.

Which fair enough is great.

But they took the dogs with them. So the house is empty and quiet. There’s no pottering, barking. No doggie cuddles.

It’s lonely. It’s not a feeling I like. I like being on my own but I don’t like being totally alone. If I have to be on my own, I would like the dogs around me. Maybe next time, I should borrow someone else’s dog.  I did write about

I did write about the telly before writing this. But I wasn’t happy with it. Most of the evening I have been watching telly. I wrote while doing so. What I wrote is at the bottom of this post. 

Note to self. Only write when in a quiet area. No telly watching.

Telly watching is usually my procrastination activity. Although, I do love a good Greys Anatomy marathon. Watching telly can put me into a funk. Causing my foggy mind to get darker. I need to change this.

Getting out of a funk is hard. Why am I doing something that’s causing it in the first place?

Goal: Reduce watching telly and have no telly days.

It all must help, right?


Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, my hours have reduced this week. So I’ve had extra time on my hands. Today I’ve been productive. Then I turned the telly on! 

Every so often the telly is my friend. Currently on a Greys Anatomy marathon. So good. 

But the telly is also my enemy. Watching too much gets me into a funk. It’s something I need to be careful of, now that I’m aware of it. Well, I’ve been aware of it for awhile. It’s not something I’ve admitted to myself. It’s not something I’ve fixed. It needs to stop. 

Stop the funk. I’m even affecting my writing this evening. So I’m making a goal.

Goal: Reduce my telly watching. Have no telly days. 

Relaxation Techniques

I had a little scare a while ago. All due to idiots on the road. Causing another car to nearly tip over and head straight in my direction. On a 60mph road no less. The idiot driver trying to over take within a dip/corner. Noone thankfully bumped into another.

When I saw the car coming towards me, my heart felt like it was gonna jump out of my chest. I had to stop myself from crying. Used the breathing in and out technique. Luckily I did some of my relaxation module before I left the house. The breathing technique was one I tried.

Breathing Technique

I had to stand bare footed, eyes closed, hands on lower stomach. Breathing in through my nose to the bottom of my stomach. Then breathe out through my mouth. Repeat.

Well, at the time of doing this standing up in my room, I just felt frustrated in myself. But now I’m glad. It’s helped me calm myself and prevent a panic/crying attack in the car. Not what you want before turning up to a customer home.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

I also tried the progressive muscle relaxation technique before I left for work. This didn’t help me in the car. But I left it released some tension in my muscles before I left for work.

This technique involved inhaling through the nose as you tighten muscles and exhale through the mouth as you release the tension in the muscles.

I did this while lying on my back, palms up and feet to their sides. When breathing in, focus on one body part at a time, e.g. left leg. Tense all the muscles in this body part. When breathing out, relax all muscles.

Do this with all the muscles in the body, including the face and buttocks. In-between each body part, have a breathe in and out to help relaxation.

After this one, I felt my muscle tingle, like they were starting to relax. There was another technique but I didn’t want to spoil a good thing. I’ll do that another time. To properly relax, it says to repeat techniques daily, getting into the habit.

Goal: Relaxation Techniques


What is Life Teaching You?

“Take an honest inventory of the education you already have – the years you have lived, the trials you have endured, the skills you have learned along the way”

“If you are a young person, open your eyes wide and let the world educate you to the fullest extent”

by Elizabeth Gilbert

I don’t remember much of my childhood. I have some home videos that were made during this time. Watching them, I know I’m watching myself, either on my own or with family members.

But I don’t remember these events happening. I suppose the videos put something in my mind about how I was brought up. If it wasn’t for these videos, I wouldn’t even know about the start of my life.

Memories are strange things. What inside our brains decided which memories to remember or to forget? Where do they go the ones we’ve forgotten?

In 2013 I started scrapbooking. Both for photos and mementoes. At first, I needed to collect everything I did and place something in one of these books. Now I want to keep the important memories. I keep tickets, old cards, letters. I buy a post card when visiting somewhere new. This postcard can represent the whole day. Rather than buying stuff just for the sake of doing so.

Now I want to keep the important memories. I keep tickets, old cards, letters. I buy a post card when visiting somewhere new. This postcard can represent the whole day. Rather than buying stuff just for the sake of doing so.

Least my home doesn’t get cluttered. Neither do my memories.

The earliest memory that I do remember, is me playing in the back garden at one of my old houses. Going in because of the rain. The next morning realising that I’d left a school book outside.

I guess that sticks in my mind for the fact I need to take responsibility for the things I own/borrow.

Going through school wasn’t very entertaining. I got through it just like everyone else. I had people bullying me due to the fact I was thin or that most of my friends were guys. Still are to this day.

I overcame stage fright, dancing. My confidence has always been low, socially. I put my head down and got on with the work. Found I was good at IT. Enjoyed reading.

By the time you’re supposed to know what you want to do with your life. I didn’t. I was good at things so they were the subjects I continued to learn. As staying in education was what I thought I had to do.

From this, even though I love to learn, I couldn’t stick to learning in an education setting. I’ve a ton of qualifications. Most I don’t even use anymore or remember what I learnt.

I worked alongside education. I’ve been a pizza takeaway assistant, a play centre assistant, a bakery assistant, a leisure assistant, a stockroom assistant, a kennel assistant, a trainee veterinary nurse, a care assistant. I’ve volunteered at a couple of animal charities along the way too.

An assistant is something I seem to be drawn too. From each of my roles, I’ve learned what I do or don’t like, or want to help in some way. I just can’t do it in certain ways.

My mums’ ex-husbands have taught me what I don’t want from a guy. Even her current husband, still teaches me I don’t want hostility in the house.

It doesn’t matter how old or young you are. Life teaches us things all the time. Nothing is likely to change that. What we learn, teaches us about ourselves, how we want to behave, what we want to do. How and if we share this with others.

Elizabeth Gilbert so far has taught me that writing is for yourself. Be the creativity you want to be. That’s what makes your work original and authentic. Everyone may have an opinion, may pigeonhole your work. But what others do with or say about your work once you’ve shared it can’t be controlled by yourself.

But what others do with or say about your work once you’ve shared it can’t be controlled by yourself. It shouldn’t be.

How your work/creativity works for yourself is the most important thing.

Communication Break Point

I said something to my other half today. It took me a while to do so. Plus at first, I didn’t think I had to say anything. Well, I know our communication has been shit lately. So I needed to say something at some point. I guess today, hit a breaking point for me.

It all happened because of dinner.

We may be in our mid to late twenties but he is still very spoilt.

He said his mum had texted him asking if he would like her to get him a steak for dinner and to ask me what I would like.

After I breathed through my annoyance of the fact he’s not as independent as I’d like him to be. Relying on his parents and cannot think or take responsibility for much in life. When saying that I think ‘why am I with him?’ Thankfully he’s a nice guy and has a life. Just doesn’t know of life.

I said I’ll find something in the house or have a snack. He replied to his mum, I don’t know what.

He then made a statement that he needed things from the supermarket. His way of asking apparently. So, I picked up some pasta and sauce as I wasn’t that hungry. My dinner sorted. Once at his and his mum home. She asked me what we were having for dinner. “I thought you were getting steak for him?”

“I thought you were getting steak for him?”  I said.

“That’s not what he replied,” she said.

His mum showed me the text he’d sent; ‘it’s OK, thank you, we’ll sort ourselves out’. But didn’t tell me this.

I didn’t say anything to him at first. Thankfully his mum had brought steak anyways and some extra salmon so I could have some. Pasta and sauce can wait for another day.

Once the film we were watching finished; A Girl on the Train. A one time watcher. I asked him why he didn’t tell me what he’d said to his mum.

“I forgot. I was pissed off with my manager”. His own fault by the way.

So I told him he needed to remember and tell me these things straight away. That I feel disconnected from us because we are not communicating. Things need to change.

So, we’ll see if they’ll change.


A Day of Indecision and The Joy Equation

I’ve had a lot of things go through my mind today. It’s been hard to concentrate on one thing. I need to do this, that. I want to get this done. I’ll do that. I could do that. A day of indecision. Within this indecision, I’ve been able to be somewhat productive.

Food shop. Hair. Doggie walk. The Joy Equation. Yoga. In between work and some food.


One of the things that I suddenly decided to do at the last minute was completing The Joy Equation.

For anyone who hasn’t heard of this; it’s a personal development type course working on figuring out your core values and big dreams. A 6-week course that into a topic per week. Joining a community of woman who is working to creating a meaning to their lives; working towards their goals.  This is my view of the course. The main site page of the course, on the link above, will explain all so much better. The author allows the community to share the links. I have written all this on my own accord; gaining nothing by doing so. 

It may be designed a 6-week course but it certainly took me longer than that. Three months in fact. But I have got there.

My Mission/Purpose Statement:

Have acceptance and connection with myself, be present for my family and a force for positive change.

My Core Values:

  • Health
  • Simplicity
  • Balance
  • Adventure
  • Connection
  • Radiance
  • Laughter
  • Acceptance

I’ve already written my six big goals and four goal declarations. These can be found here.

At the end of the workbook, there is a My Vision page where I can sum up the main points of the six weeks. This I have scanned and put on my wall along with my other sheets.


This isn’t the first time I have done this course. I did it a couple of years ago when my mind wasn’t in a good place. It helped me process my wondering mind.

Now that I have finished the course. I was curious what the differences were from my course answers from nearly three years ago. Getting to older workbook out, I saw there was a slight difference with mostly similarities. Three years ago, I was at university. Let’s see:

My Mission/Purpose Statement (Three Years Ago):

To celebrate the joy, make a difference to animals and nourish those around me.

My Core Values (Three Years Ago):

  • Health
  • Love
  • Family
  • Balance
  • Growth
  • Adventure
  • Openness
  • Outdoors

My Six Big Dreams (Three Years Ago):

  1. Travel around the world, seeing different cultures and ways of life
  2. Own a beautifully, energy efficient green (help the environment) home
  3. Make a difference in the animal care/welfare world
  4. Get married for life and have kids
  5. Experience joy for my whole life, accept and be happy – no anti-depressants
  6. Nourish all the people/relationships in my life


I believe I have changed mindset quite a bit in the last few years. Something like this I find can prove it.

Whether it’s a course like this or your own way of developing and reviewing yourself and your goals. Doing personal development can lead you to know where you may want to go in life and yourself. Everyone does develop without consciously putting the work in.

Have you done this course or one similar? Do you do something else entirely to help yourself develop and complete your goals? What are your goals?

It would be interesting to see other accounts of personal development and goal storming.


Love of Family

I’m sat here watching Long Lost Family. I always get emotional watching this show. It makes me grateful for having my own family. I not only have my parents but an extended family too. Step parents, step siblings etc.

I have lost family members just like everyone else. I still miss them to this day. I may not remember all my memories with them but I remember my love for them.

Well, onto the day I’ve had. It’s been a good day, a productive day. One where I have put all down and accepted telly time as me time. The raspberry fragrance in the air from my candle.

The meeting with manager and director happened today. Talked me through the role. Which didn’t take long. I said yes. This means I will be working once a week in the office. Every Thursday. A full day one week and a half day the next, then repeat.

I’m looking forward to it. My mood has been great today.

The only let down has been by my NVQ assessor. She was due to ring me today about our meeting. But to reasons unknown has failed to do so.

Some more good news as I write this.

My other half past his entry level Maths exam. Second times a charm. Next stage is for him to do the next level to work towards his GCSE Maths.

Not too late to accomplish something which was failed earlier in life.