Life, Writing

We’ve spent the day finishing painting the kitchen. Well, it’s not 100% finished. It’s about 90%.

Spending this time painting its effecting parts of my body; my shoulders ached and my fingers went numb. While writing now, my arm feels heavy and painful. It’s like my body is telling me off. My lack of exercise is making things I want and need to do hard for me.

Thankfully, I’ve taken ‘Get a Massage’ from my Get In Touch With My Body list, and Dave has agreed to give me a massage where I am aching. I’ve had massages from a professional before but right now this isn’t something I can consider.

Having Dave do them I’m also working on our connection. I don’t think it’ll hurt with working on our bedroom pleasure as well as my sensual pleasure. We’re still a long way off. I’m proud of myself for working on things, usually, I put things off. Small Steps Ahead.


Watched: Dumpling > 4 out of 5
Bird Box > 3.5 out of 5

Life, Writing

Are you comfortable in where you live?

Whether from being bullied about my body weight or the depression and anxiety, I’ve had negative thoughts about how I see myself and my body.

“I’m not good enough” “I’m not fat enough” “My nose, hair, stomach, thighs, bum isn’t right. They need changing”

Some people go to different extremes in order to get their body right for them. Sometimes it does help and that change allows them to be themselves for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, the changes have also caused more problems then good. Effecting their lives and body love for the rest of their lives. It can affect a person’s mental health significantly too.

Having a health relationship with one’s body isn’t always easy. If it was we’d all love our body the way they are. A health relationship is what I ultimately want. I want to do it in the healthiest way I can for me. How I’m gonna do that, I haven’t figured that part out yet. But I know I don’t want extreme actions.

My negative mindset on my body isn’t as bad as it used to be but it still creams in. Doubting myself and my appearance. It affects my confidence and happiness. I want this confidence and happiness back. I want that dress I love but thought I couldn’t pull it off. That hairstyle it took me 3 years to achieve due to believing I couldn’t do it.

My inner critic is always alert when my body is involved. I need to teach my inner critic that I’m in control. Maybe the inner critic stemed front those who bullied me at school? I’ve always been saddened and held myself back from the bullies. They aren’t in my life anymore. I was very good at running away, well, moving is the word.

I may have spent 17 years in that one place but I never felt entirely comfortable being there. Never felt like home. Where I am now I do. Being comfortable in my surroundings helped me be comfortable in myself. Is it bad I had to move away from where I grew up to feel comfortable in where I am? Like we can have negative people around us, does that me there can be negative places or is it just how our perception has been created caused by the negative people?

Life, Writing

What’s your body love truth?

I was bullied when at school for my weight. I’m naturally thin. I can eat anything and no put weight on. The women in my family seem to have the same thing. Clearly, it’s in the genes. When at a certain age, the weight starts to pile on.

Growing up I was shy and didn’t have confidence in new surroundings. Even when I got used to people and gained friends I still wasn’t my full self. I felt I had to lie about things so that I would be liked. Whether I lied or told the truth I felt like I couldn’t win and struggled to stay friends with others. Falling in and out with those around me on a regular basis.

One of the things that got me down the most was “friends” kept calling me anorexic. I was thin, yes, but I was never anorexic. I feel this didn’t help me love my body or have the best relationship with food.

I was a picky eater. My dad never knew what to feed me when I went to visit. Pizza Hut was the place to go. I love pizza to this day. I wasn’t very helpful in saying food choices to eat. I just rather have stayed quiet. I would eat in front of others, but when I was home I went through stages of not eating much or comfort eating loads. I still have spells of comfort eating now, just not to that extreme.

No matter how much or little I ate my weight never changed. The only time I thought, “Yes, I’m putting on weight” then felt depleted again once I connected it to my period each month.

I saw a dietician while at college. Even with her pointers, nothing changed. My relationship with food is better now, I even try to eat healthier and have a more varied diet.

I have never “dieted”. I feel if I started I would cause more harm to my body the good. I love my body now more then I did at school but I’m not 100% with it.

When it comes to exercise, I did dancing, gymnastics and the PE we had to do while at school. But since leaving exercise and my body/mind have not been friends. I go through phases where an exercise is something I do. But times I’ve stopped because I connect it with my weight or how thin I looked.

Other times I’ve done it and thought I’m not strong enough physically to do what I was doing in order to carry on. So why bother? Not thinking to build up my strength having an exercise routine could help. I’ve seen physiotherapists about different parts of my body. They’ve told me I’ve a muscle imbalance. I’m weak in my muscles and exercise is something to help strengthen them.

Plus it’ll be good for having a healthy body and mind. Seeing that my mental health has highs and lows this would have been motivation. But no. I think my mindset relationship with my body needs to get into a level of agreement in order to help my body love to grow.

I like what AZ said in a Holiday Council post about her joy of exercise:

I call it joyful movement because I do indeed find it joyful and feel so much better when I do it – not to try to lose weight or anything but because I know how good I feel

I like that because she’s found a way to put it so it sounds joyful as well as doing whats joyful to her.

In 2018 I set a personal ground rule to do a daily movement. This isn’t something I’ve done on a daily basis. I’ve gone about my daily needs but not mindfully set time or thought ‘let’s go for a walk’ etc. I’m also one to start something and give up or even just forget about it.

To allow myself to find pleasure in loving my body, I feel this would need to change. Right now, I don’t have an answer to how things could change. I believe reflecting on how I’ve felt/been in the past could help me to get better for the future in learning to inhabit my body.

I want to focus on feeling good. Not force myself and my body to do things we’re not ready for.

Could that be my body love mantra?

Life, Writing

My Impostor Complex

Everyone has a different perception of what mess is. When you feel messy, no one else knows now messy but you. We think other people are judging us for how messy we are. No one is. They’re thinking the same. I’ve been told this an impostor syndrome/complex.

That internalisation and discounts in excellence is the complex at work. The opposite is unshakable confidence. Well, I certainly don’t have that. If my understanding of the impostor complex is correct, I have it. I may not show behaviours all the time but I go through stages where this would be the case.

These internalised failures and discounted of excellence need to be confronted. Confront the lies, I believe and actions/behaviours I do. Thinking about what I am deeply capable of which, will be more then I realise. When we’re surrounded by those we trust, ask for their help; be together. Those around me want me to succeed. I need to let them. Accepting their help, won’t kill me.

The confidence comes from alignment. But do I have alignment in all I do? Is there gonna be work that’ll bring out the impostor complex? Most likely. But will it give me joy, gratefulness, gratitude or a sense of connection leading to alignment? If so then I want to be doing it, no matter what.

I won’t be alone. There are people around me going through the same. I need to decide to strive. Stop letter the impostor complex have the upper hand. Put the work in by doing the work that I love; that aligns with my truth. I need to allow myself to choose what I want to do with what’s in front of me. I may choose to go back, to stay or to quit. Whichever decision I make is okay.

I need to celebrate where I am and want more for myself. Stop apologising and comparing to others.


Watched: The Shanghai Job > 1.5 out of 5

Life, Writing

Declutter Challenge 2018

I’m proud of myself for today. I got myself into gear and got shit done. I did my declutter challenge; going into my files and not just into my file to-do box. Got a few things sorted for burning. I also got the missing part for the loft ladder, recycled an old laptop and posting it tomorrow. With all the decluttering I only ended up watching one hour of telly. Later on was off to a friend for the evening.

I’ve done well, my step-dad and I went to see the plasterer too. He’s done everything bar one wall. Then as he isn’t 100% a plasterer in our eyes, he’s saying he’s got to sand the walls down that are dry. He originally said January, I don’t wanna wait an extra 3 weeks. Fingers crossed he sticks with that plan so I can start PVAing the walls next week too. I may get it all painted by the time I start my new job. If that’s the case the cellar ceiling can be put on hold a little longer.

Life, Writing

I’m choosing to believe…

Week 3 call went live for HoCo today, but I didn’t feel ready to listen. Same with the guest interviews. I’m not sure why I feel this way. Maybe, I don’t want it to end. Doing week 3 means I’ve got to think about the goals I want to set myself for 2019.

I’ve thought about Be Outside as one and another financial related. Other than that I’ve no clue. But that’s what call 3 is all about; to help. I’ve thought just now of possibly making our house a home as a goal. It relates to a big life goal I created when I did my second round of The Joy Equation with Molly Mahar. These may be the goals, they may not? I may be ready to do them tomorrow.

It could be my fears of failure of the outcome that will be holding me back. I need to remember that I can’t control the outcome. I can only do my best with the pieces I’ve got.

I am choosing to believe in myself, my courage and my dreams. It’s the time to stop the fears taking over. It’s time to be me.


Watched: Friend Request >1.5 out of 5