Life, Personal Development, Stratejoy, Writing

A Mini Q4 Review 2018

This week off hasn’t felt like one to me. I love to help but I’m not feeling the way I want to. I’m tired, frustrated and just waiting to have the opportunity to have days where they are for me to do what I want 100% of the time. Because I’m putting others first, I’m not doing all that I want to do. That’s including with my goals. I started out the last quarter of the goal really well at Getting Shit Done.

I have been doing things slowly the last month or so but other things have taken over. My prioritising skills haven’t been up to scratch. I’ve done odd deep journalling. I suppose the challenge is caring for my grandparents. Having to keep my mouth closed to prevent my grandad becoming upset with us but it’s risking my grandma. We’re figuring out what we need to say with the right words.

Having this on my plate and all the other things in my life, they have taken priority and my self-care and the things I need to do are put to one side or forgotten. Joy is something I have experienced this quarter. But mainly its been put to one side also. Taking memories where I can but being fully present has been hard. Lively I have not been. I am craving calm, simplicity, freedom and streamline.

Life, Writing

‘We gotta get it done’

I’ve been tired today. I only got 3-4 hours sleep last night. I was very unsettled and I was in my own bed. I guess with all that’s going on, it’s causing me to stress more then I realise.

We’ve found out we need to overboard two more ceilings in the house before the plasterer can do his thing in the areas. He’s finished the bathroom. So things are moving along. We’re having to do the ceilings this weekend, so this evening we’re last minute ordering ready to collect 1st thing Saturday morning. Also, the sump pump has arrived for the cellar. So that’ll be another job to be done too. Especially with the amount of rain we are having.

Everything is piling up. But we took it on, we gotta get the work done.

Life, Writing

Lack of Communication is an Issue for me

I believe I have not much to say on days I’ve been working because all it makes me do is moan. This is brought about by an emotion that is bubbling down inside me. I’ve come to the decision I need to moan in my writing to a degree to help me understand the reasons behind the emotion.

The lack of communication is one thing that gets to me when I’m working. Things change and we don’t get told until we find ourselves already faced with the problem they should have informed us on. Surely that comes under safeguarding for our customers as well as ourselves.

I’m not the only one that’s unhappy with how the system is changing. There’s less communication now then there was with the last management. The good news from today is that I did my ID check with my new employer. I’ve been given an idea of when I’ll be starting my new job. Two months time but it’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

I also did my DBS application for them too.¬†Waiting for the next few weeks for that to come through. I’ll have to remember to add it to my to-do-list regarding the update service.

I also have to do something regarding wage slips with my current job. Again, something I didn’t know was happening until an outsider email told me to register. I had to email to confirm it was actually them. Lack of time was the reason apparently. Which boils down to the lack of communication again.

My eyes are feeling the strain, eyedrops and bed for me.

Life, Mental Health, Writing

‘I feel I don’t trust myself’

I really want the job I went for the other day. A part of me really does hope it’s a yes. Hearing a no, is something I’m not prepared for. The more I hear or not hear from my current job is more time I’m feeling and thinking I wanna curl up in bed and not get up.

Even though that’s how I feel, I couldn’t do that to my customers. Even when I’ve felt ill, I’ve got to the point my mum or the doctor has told me to call in sick. Except once I made the decision to call in sick, as I was the next day I felt completely better.

I guess I feel I don’t trust myself to some extent. Making the wrong decisions, not being in control of the things happening in my life. I definitely have let go of some of the control issues I had but most still are a weight on my shoulder.

Watching: The Mountain Between Us > 3.5 out of 5

The Perfect Storm (2000) > 3 out of 5

Life, Writing

Do you take time to listen to life?

I can’t get yesterday’s assessment centre interview out of my head. I woke at 5 this morning and it was replying in my head. My mind keeps going back to it. Because of this it makes me doubt myself on how I did. I’ve to wait till next week to see if I have a job or not. It’s this one I really want.

While I was at the animal shelter this morning, getting my helping animals fix, I had a call from the Bupa recruitment confirming my interview time and date for next week. An hour later it was cancelled as the positions had been filled. That wasn’t meant to be. I do hope yesterday’s was meant to be.

I found myself to be more accepting with life, including the 5 am wake up. This mindset is one I need to have more of. Hopefully this will allow me to listen fully to when life is trying to give me messages. Maybe I’ll hear something life changing. Do you take time to listen to life? What’s life told you?

Watched: Death Note > 2.5 out of 5

Bladerunner (1982) > 1.5 out of 5

Life, Stratejoy, Writing

Do you know your purpose?

This morning I did the purpose circle done by Molly Mahar over at Stratejoy. Her community circles are always thought provoking for me.

My intention for doing this circle was to have more understanding of what I’d like for myself and my purpose. To answer the questions to help me get there, understand the meaning and to help me fall in love with my life.

During the circle Molly read a lovely essay she’d written. From this essay I thought I didn’t fully understand my true purpose. That my messy but beautiful life is going in the right direction. When I know my purpose, I’ll know, that’ll lead me to know which way to continue on my path. That my purpose doesn’t have to effect a wide circle. That it’s allowed to be small.

Right now, purpose for me feels guilty because I don’t know mine. That it’s a job I should be doing. That I need to be living and breathing it 24/7. Guilty that I’m not. That I’m just living.

I got stumped on what my memories were where I was using my gifts. What have I done to show these? My memory isn’t good. My past fades quickly. When others have said good things about my life, it’s been for helping animals or others. That I’ll be a good nurse, kindness and good as an admin.

Do I listen to what life is telling me? I feel I have some moments of listening. But majority of the time I miss the signs and gloss over hearing what could have been said.

So far from the circle, I’ve realised that I don’t have to have a big purpose that effects others. I should listen to what life is telling me. That my purpose doesn’t have to be my job. It could be a way of living, of which parts can be expressed through my job. The authentic, kind and helpful part of me, I know to be true about who I am and why I am here. That my family and mental health is something that means a lot for me. That I want to help in the world, so it can be a better place.

I try to control everything. I’m an undecided person, I need to listen more. I guess I’m scared of failing but also succeeding. Pretending I’m not on the right path when deep down I know what is wrong.

With doing this circle, it’s helped me think more of my purpose. It makes me want to set a purpose statement. I want to get out of my head, feel I have a connection with my life.

New Goal > set a purpose statement

Life, Writing

Writing ‘Antsy’ Away

It’s not long before I go to bed. I’ve had a mixture of relax and productive day around my working hours.

I feel antsy.

I feel like I need to be doing something. Occupy myself and mind. That what I have done today wasn’t enough. I’ve ticked off a couple of things from my to-do list. That’s right the to-do lists have been made. I have one for my blog, one for the house and then a general everyday one.

I’ve do e something on my goal of getting shit done – write a to-do list.

It may sound like nothing but it’s clearing my mind if the things I need to do running around in my head. It’s written down when I think of it, more so if I can’t do it right there and then.

When I have spare time I look at the list and do something I class as a priority in that moment.

I’ve a week since I made my Q4 goals. I feel I could get towards the end with a habit in tow. I’m glad I sat down to write. I don’t feel as antsy as I did do. A calm mind is needed for me to fall asleep.

Watched: Shutter Island > 3.5 out of 5