A Sense of Guilt

I have this sense of guilt. I’m not sure of the reason. As far as I believe I have done nothing to be guilty of. I’ve spent the day doing a mix of things.

I took the time to watch telly. I’ve had a good week of no telly. Because I’ve watched telly I haven’t done a lot towards my goals. Maybe that’s where my sense of guilt is coming from.

I can’t feel guilty of not spending a whole day completing goals. By being mentally and physically active all the time I’m wearing myself out. More mentally. Tiring my mind out causing my body to crash down in places.

I think I’m finding it hard to accept going slowly, taking the time. Focusing all on one task at a time. Future me is pulling down again because I’m not being present in the here and now.

There aren’t enough hours in a day to complete everything you want out of life. I need to accept that I can do everything, just not right this second. The support I have on and off my blog, to help me through. To help my mindset get towards healthy feels cherishing. Speaking, writing and opening up has made a difference.

I’m just not at the finishing line yet.

Finding My Love for Volunteering Again

I miss volunteering and working with animals. This morning I was able to go to the shelter to help out with the morning run. It’s been many months since I last went. Even though the previous times Dave came with me. I went by myself and found my love for it again.

This evening Dave and I went to see the new Thor film. More the film for Dave than me. I don’t quite get the sense of humour the films bring. But it has been a good day. Just feeling tired of it.

From One Habit to Another

It’s been a couple weeks now since I removed or deactivated my social media accounts. I feel like I’ve done a lot more, or at least been more productive.

I’m not really missing it. It’s just made me rethink my communication methods. Even though I’m getting things done and I’m on day four of no telly this week. I’ve been completing menial or fewer priority tasks.

It’s great that I’m finally getting some of these done. But I don’t wanna use them as procrastination of the big important tasks, goals and work I need/want to complete. I don’t wanna shift from one unhealthy habit to another.

Maybe I need to set reminders that are priorities or have my priorities as goals in my calendar. Then have the menial tasks as reminders. To focus on parts of the big goals before the reminders.


Reflection on Life

How do I feel about my life right now? How is my heart? How is my integrity? How is my dedication to my dreams?

Integrity: > The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.
> The state of being whole and undivided

Yes I did just look up the meaning of integrity. I had an inkling of its meaning but I couldn’t have told you if you asked me. If I’m to answer the 4 questions above I need to fully understand what is being asked of me.

My life is beginning to be one I want to be proud of. Before I have a belief that life just happens and it’ll bring what it brings. In a way that belief is still there. But I now believe that life is what the beholder makes of it.

That life does bring you things, whether good or bad, but you have to work for the life you want. That we’re here for a reason. Whether we know it or not. Each of us has a purpose. We have something to give. We can make the world a better place.

Life needs to be lived. Have fun. Be with family and friends. We may be in a modern, digital world but we needn’t be ruled by it. Yes, I did deactivate my Facebook account. 

My heart is tired and worn out. Doing too much but feeling like it’s not enough. That I believe I’ve found my purpose helping people. Am I helping in the right ways? I don’t know. Only time and experience will tell.

My integrity still needs work. I haven’t always been honest. I’ve been the good person who has lied, been cruel and deceiving. I don’t like that person I used to be. I still tell the odd white lie. I still panic when I realise I’ve done something wrong. I’ve at times not owned up to them.

This is wrong of me. I don’t want to continue being this person. I want to be an honest person. Own up for my responsibilities. Put my hands up when I’m wrong, no matter the consequences.

A part of this is why I have started to make ground rules.  I think Integrity should be Rule 6.

The last few months I’ve had more dedication to my dreams then I have my whole life. To get what I want, to do/have experiences I want.

I need to work to make them happen. I need to be dedicated to get what I want. But I need to do it sensibly, respectful and honestly. Staying true to the person I want to be. To make my contribution to the world a good one.

One where other’s want to strive for their own dreams. I want to help others reach their goals.

If you answered the 4 questions at the start, what would your response be?

Understanding My Inner Critic

I’m always hard on myself. I doubt myself. I criticise myself. I know I shouldn’t but I do. I need to learn how to change this. Andrea Own has done a guide and questions on your inner critic. These are my own response to her Questions.

  1. Know your inner critic intimately. 

Q: What areas in your life are you the hardest on yourself?

Body/appearance. Future. Finance.

Q: What does your inner critic specifically say to you?

“Your not good enough”. “You won’t get to where you want to go”. “Your don’t have the confidence or drive to get there”. “What’s the point?” “Your too skinny / boney”. “Your never gonna put on weight”. “No one is gonna want to see your body. Especially not Dave”. “Why wear that?” “Your never gonna own your own home”. “Your spending too much”.

2. Uncover hidden beliefs inside our shit-talker. 

Q: What are the things that you can pull out of the statements that you have come to believe about yourself?

“I’m not deserving / smart enough for success”. “I’m never gonna own my own home”. “I don’t deserve to be comfortable in my own skin”. “I don’t know how to do this”. “I can’t do this”.

3. Challenge those beliefs

Q: What if the beliefs weren’t true?

I do deserve success. I work hard to get to where I wanna go. If there is something I find I can’t do, I figure out how. I will own my own home. We are saving where we can. I spend more when I’m anxious. I need to process and I’ll be able to cut down. Everyone deserves to be comfortable in their own skin. I’m doing everything right to get the weight on.

Q: If these beliefs weren’t true, how would I show up differently in my life?

I would have confidence in what I do. I would follow my path, conquer all obstacles in my way. Ask for help when I need it. I’d continue to better myself on my terms. Being honest to all as well as myself. I’d wear what the hell I like.

Q: If these beliefs weren’t true, what decisions would I make?

I would be more mindful with my actions and thoughts. Conscious of my intentions with both people and food. I would make decisions that feel right for me. I would move jobs now. I would travel the world. I would go to a mortgage adviser.

These questions I would never have thought to ask myself. I believed once you had an inner critic that’s it. They’re with you for life. Which they are. You have to understand and know the way to be able to be the boss rather then the critic take over.

The I woulds and the inner critic needs work. I need to start implementing the I woulds into my life.

Do you understand your inner critic?

Wage Rule and Room Change

I found a blog today on budgeting what you get from your wage. I’m trying to save up for a mortgage as well as live the life I want. But I struggle towards the end of the month to pay for my food shop.

Looking at the post over on Brit & Co site. The 50/30/20 rule is something I wanna see if I could work with. I’ve had a look at my pay period income. Seeing as I’m only halfway through the month, I’m not very flush. Here is my current tally:

50% – 220
30% – 70
20% – 0

These are the amounts I have left to keep me going into December. I’ve got the amounts on my notice board so I can see clearly and check before I hit the buy now button.

Think I need to go back to my simplicity core value. Be frugal to help me pull back my spending. Not gonna be able to save for a house if I keep spending my money. I’ve also said yes to events over the next few months which need paying for to and it’s Christmas next month.

Have you any posts or advice where I could help myself to cut down on spending or on being frugal in my life?

On a high note for me. I moved my furniture around in my room. This wasn’t the first time. I said last time it’s the last. Clearly, not as it took me an hour and a half to move all but my wardrobe.

I feel more uplifted on how it is laid out now. Everything is spread out more. I feel the room is bigger. I can close my blinds now too as the doggies cannot jump on the window ledge. Something my mum was happy about.

I’m not gonna promise I won’t move my room around again in the future. But I can see this as until future notice, possibly until I move into my own place, layout. Excuse the messy bed. 


If I Totally Trusted Myself….

If I totally trusted myself, on a day to day basis, I would feel:

Confident. Happy. Joyful. A sense of integrity. Excited. Easeful. Nourished. Open.

If I totally trusted myself, on a day to day basis, I would do less:

Complaining. Resenting. People pleasing. Spending money I shouldn’t. Lie or keep my mouth closed. Keep putting things off.

If I totally trusted myself, on a day to day basis, I would do more:

Yoga. Cooking from scratch. Traveling. Mindful budgeting. Be more creative. Open to all friends. Have more experiences. Enjoy sex.