I tried carrying on as normal today. Let myself have a lie in. Did my module four for my NVQ. Found out the details for my Grandma C funeral.
That put me down again.
Trying to get the day off work for it was stressful. They had booked my NVQ assessor that day and I could only see her on my day off. It was like they didn’t wanna give me that day off and reschedule my NVQ assessor. In the end, they did. Now waiting for my meeting to be rebooked.
I felt like my brain was gonna explode. I had to go lie down. My mum found me a while later, laid on my bed. After a mini-talk. She told me not to do anything else today. I was glad it was my day off work.
Towards the end of the day, I started to feel better. At the beginning of the week, we had booked bowling for this evening. Then to go for a meal afterwards. I was glad for my mum, step-dad and Dave.
We continued with the plans. They got me out of my head for a few hours; which was nice. I came second in both games of bowling and we went for a Pizza Hut afterwards.
I thought of my Grandma C before I went to bed. I had planned to see her today. That got me down again.
My family and friends are amazing. I’ve a great close-knit circle I can count on. I think I and probably many people in the world can take these for granted. We shouldn’t.
In honor of someone who has fought cancer, fights cancer or had lost the fight to cancer.
R.I.P Grandma C. I will miss you. Always think of you. You and Grandad C are back together again.
I went to my doctors yesterday about seeing how I was doing on my anti-depressants. It’s been about 5 weeks now. I’ve blogged about my leg twitches, my headaches and sickness. I’ve been having chest pains too.
All of these I mentioned. He believes they are symptoms of my stress and anxiety. As anxiety, fear and stress are my overpowering issues. He has recommended a self-help book by Christopher Williams: Overcoming Anxiety, Stress and Panic.
My doctor showed me the first edition of the Overcoming Depression book by the same author. It looked good. Has questions and activities to complete. My doctor also said if I have any questions from doing the workbook. I should write them down and book an appointment to see him.
I thought that was really good. He wants to help me get better and answering questions about what I’ve done or don’t understand is something he is willing to do. So far, other doctors, I’ve met, I feel like I couldn’t do that.
They want you in and out as quick as possible. He wants me to come back just to chat if I need it.
Another thing he would like me to do is work on slowing down my breathing. That breathing is going back to haunt me. Think I need to listen. I breathe too fast. Which isn’t helped by stress or anxiety. In turn, causes my headaches and chest pains.
I’ve been working on this today. I’m even doing it now. Breathing in for 3 seconds and then out for 3 seconds. One breath cycle should be 6 seconds; 10 breaths a minute. I can do between 20 and 40 breaths a minute normally.
No wonder I feel panicked all the time. I noticed I feel a little calmer after a few minutes of breathing slowly. Unfortunately, I go back to my fast breathing if I’m not being mindful of it.
A new goal. It’s been a while since I made one of those.
Goal: Slow my breathing down to 10 breaths a minute
It may be hard in the long run but hopefully having the foal will mean I practice the breathing techniques. Having the sense of relaxation would be a bonus.
There are two emotions I want to process today. I went to visit my Grandma C today. The first time in two months. She has changed massively. She is a different person. Cancer has taken over. To the point, I believe she has given up.
I felt guilty that I’ve put off seeing her to too long. I’ve no excuse. I’ve had plenty of chances. I just didn’t want to go. Like, there was that fear of seeing her.
She slept the whole time. I said hello and goodbye with hugs and kisses; which she woke to. She also responded a couple of times when I asked her if she was OK or needed anything.
My guilt changed to sadness.
It’s not nice seeing a family member that way. Thankfully, I wasn’t alone. My Auntie J was there, then my Uncle A arrived not long after I did. We all caught up with each other.
It was hard leaving my Grandma like that. I want to see her more often. No excuse. No fear. Just go!
I said to my friend B, earlier today that I believe my Grandma won’t make it to the New Year. I hope to be wrong but seeing her suffer, even with medication is hard for me. If it’s hard for me. How is my Grandma processing it?
Maybe giving up is her way of processing it?
I love you Grandma C. Your in my heart always.
It may only be October but I do love a good Christmas film. The one I’ve just finished watching ‘A Wish for Christmas’ was just what I needed. I felt connected to it. Not realising before I watched it; it’s to do with courage.
Just exactly the right type of courage I needed to see. Standing up for yourself. Staying true to your values. Being open and honest.
I can do this. I can.
I worked towards my bath goal today. Sitting in lukewarm water for 15 minutes. I couldn’t relax but I believe I may have gotten over the major panic of sitting in the water.
Dave and I had a date afternoon as well. Went to Nandos then on to the cinema. We saw IT. I enjoyed myself. Feel we’re getting our connection back. The film was good. Still yet to find one to scare me though. I’m scared of having baths and spiders but I don’t scare at films.
Any suggestions of scary films?
Had a lovely evening with friends. I didn’t feel disheartened when I had to leave to come home. I thought “I’ve enjoyed my time here. We’ll be doing it again soon.”
When I got home, o my. A spider run across my bed!! Back to normality then. Thank you, mum, for being my savour.