One of my Paths so Far

Next week will be my last therapy session. These 5 weeks have flown by. No doubt the next week will do the same. I’m glad I’ve attended the sessions. It’s given me the awareness that having a conversation does help.

Neither I or the counsellor went into the room with an agenda. Conversation flowed, obviously the topic was me.

In tonight’s session, we got onto me finding a sense of purpose and satisfaction in my job, the nature of my job anyway. That it’s my first time feeling like this is what I wanna do with my life. We spoke about why I didn’t feel this way about my other jobs or career routes.

Growing up, like any other kid I imagine has: I wanna be…. when I get older. I believe mine were: dancer or a vet. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I was good at ICT, so I went down that route. I got into my third month at university, I withdrew myself. I was bored.

I’ve always had a love for animals, so I started volunteering around paid work. After a while, I decided I’d like to work with animals. I applied for an Animal Management and Welfare degree. I got in.

Got working at kennels, volunteered when I could. Past first year. Did my placement year, all still while working. Around this time my mental health declined. The first time I was affected. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t understand myself. Saw doctors, had telephone counselling, getting towards my final year at university.

I was beginning to get excited again. I also was having this unsettling feeling I couldn’t explain. I just ignored it and carried on. At Christmas, in my final year, I withdrew myself. I left with a Higher Certificate of Education in the degree topic and experience, working with different kinds of animals.

I just wanted to work and get my mental health back. Still working at the kennels. Still had unsettled days. A point came where I believed I needed to take the next step in my career. I got a job within a veterinary practice as a Trainee Veterinary Nurse.

I was nervous. Always. I was terrified. I was emotional. I couldn’t stay in a couple of surgeries. I had to walk out, have a sit-down. Otherwise, they’d have to clean me off the floor too.

That unsettled feeling was telling me that this isn’t it. This isn’t what I should be doing. I felt a failure. I love animals. I wanna make a difference to them. A part of me felt that if I carried on I’d lose that love for them I’ve had my whole life.

I basically took the first thing I could find job wise and ran. Into pretty much a job that wasn’t a job.

It’s been a year and nearly a half since then. I’ve been beating myself up about it periodically since. Everyone plus myself knew the animal path was for me. That was where I was supposed to be.

I’m sure if I knew now, then, I wouldn’t have beaten myself up about it. I would have been able to tell my loved ones how I felt.

Talking about this in today’s session got me to realise I’m in the right place now. Helping people is what I wanna do. Make a difference to others. That doesn’t mean I’ve lost my love for animals. Far from it. I still love animals. I still volunteer at the same place I started out at after my first university withdrawal.

I get to help and be around animals on my terms.

Having this conversation has led me to the path of forgiving myself. That I didn’t run away at that point in my life. I just wasn’t on the right path.


Watched: Atlantis: The Lost Empire > 3 out of 5

Forgiveness

Forgiveness. The topic of this weeks FB live in my Ultimate Coaching Programme (UCP) course. When listening through, it was mentioned that forgive and forget is the wrong way round. Forgetting means that you can forgive.

I understand that more. I can say I forgive something or someone. But forgetting is harder.

Mental health. The past. O let’s ruminate.

I’ve thought about times in my past. There are some I’ve forgotten/don’t have bad feelings for anymore. I had that feeling of lightness. That there’s one last thing to affect me.

I still have memories and bad feelings on some past events/moments/stories in my life. I suppose I may have consciously forgotten them but deep down they’re still there. They appear in dreams, daydreams or a sudden recall of memory.

Some memories or feelings take longer than others to forget. Knowing that I’m on the road to forgiveness is that sense of acceptance for my past.

I may have forgotten and forgiven but I know that certain events or people are not right in my life.

BSL Videos Coming Soon

I’ve been thinking more about sharing the BSL videos I’ve made. I’ve made them for myself, to aid in my learning. To be able to continue once my course has finished. These videos are helping me and maybe they’ll help others.

I’m not a teacher or certified in BSL. I’m completing an introductory course. I gotta start somewhere. I’ve shared the first video with my friend to get his thoughts. Dave likes them. Will have to see what my friend thinks.

Each video isn’t long. I feel I wanna share them on my blog first until I’ve done them all. Maybe once a week. After that, and allowing my courage to grow, share with a larger audience.

When completing the videos, I do my voice ones then made a muted copy. I’d like to edit them to allow me to type the sign. But I’ve never done that before. I wouldn’t even know where to start.

I’m on the journey to learn. My course finished in July. I think I’d like to start sharing my videos with you by then.

Watch this space.

Book: Finding Your Voice by Joanna Crosse

Speaking up, saying what needs to be said hasn’t always gone well for me. I was shy growing up. Times I felt I spoke but wasn’t heard. I gave up. I’ve been going through life having that hole, getting bigger.

That loss of connection. The loss of my voice. My confidence. Thinking what others thought of me. My mind and thoughts have ruled me since a little kid. Where, why or how I couldn’t tell. I’d be making up stories.

That is my past!

Knowing the where, why or how doesn’t matter to me. Not anymore. What matters to me now is finding my voice both personally and professionally. Opening up on here, I’ve found has helped me a lot. I’m finding my voice. I’m learning who I am and who I wanna be.

Before I started writing, I bottled things inside. I let my mind rule me. It’s helped me open my eyes. Along with my daily journey, the personal development I’m doing and finding joy in my life. I need to continue finding my voice, my courage and confidence.

The inspiration for this post was the book Finding Your Voice by Joanna Crosse. Having borrowed it from the library, I’ve enjoyed it so much I’ve put it on my wishlist.

I like her writing style, the case studies and the ability to go back and look at snippets at a time. Very clear layout. Recommended Read.

The Hepworth Gallery

Having the day to ourselves, we decided to go out. We had a plan to go to Knaresborough to do the treasure trail we have. With the wind and the sky looking grey we decided to do that on a nicer day.

The weather didn’t stop us going out. We decided to be tourists close to home. We went to The Hepworth Gallery, Wakefield. Free entry. Lovely artwork. I fell in love with one. For the life of me, I cannot remember the name of the artist. It was called ‘The Problem with Humans’.

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It made me smile and my eyes light up. We took our time walking around, saw the latest exhibition that ended today.

Before we went, I said that once we’ve been we don’t have to go again. Although that is true. After going today, I’d love to go again.

We’ve noted the dates for the next exhibition Feb-June and are planning to go see it when we’re able. Maybe on a rainy day like today. Despite the weather, we still decided to park in a free car park 20 minutes walk away. One it saved us parking money. Two it got us doing our walk for the day.

One of the things I took from today’s outing is that just because I believe something isn’t for me or I won’t like it, doesn’t mean that’s the case. I thought going to the art gallery wouldn’t be for me at all. But we both enjoyed it and would like to go again.

It’s like that little insight telly me that I shouldn’t judge or have a negativity mindset going into things. Just be in the moment and take what’s around me in at the time.


Watched: The Maze Runner: The Death Curse > 4 out of 5

Changing Goals

I’ve had a look at a couple of my goals today:

  1. Relaxation Techniques
  2. Slow my breathing down to 10 breaths a minute

On my blackboard, I have these as Relaxation and Breathing. I stood there and looked at them. Saying the words to myself and thought; they’re just words!

I breathe daily. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be writing this right now. I relax by watching telly, reading etc.

It occurred to me that these goals aren’t right for me. They need changing. Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve tried a few calming/mindfulness/meditation apps. I found these helped with my breathing and relaxation. I’ve also got back into yoga a little. That helps me with my breathing. I feel relaxed afterwards.

After a little thought, I’ve come to find 2 new goals to replace the above, that resonate with me more:

  1. Develop a meditation practice
  2. Develop a yoga practice

I believe this gives me more of a guidance to allow me to work on them, step by step. Looking for my goals I do believe they connect with a couple others. I’ll have a think about those, see if I wanna make changes.


Watched: The hitman’s bodyguard > 4 out of 5

A Little Expense to be able to Communicate

It’s been 72 hours since my phone purchase receipt request. I was told it would be with me within 48 hours. As I still haven’t received it and the box has arrived from the manufacturer. I contacted the phone shop again.

This time I was told it should have been said that for a handset only receipt it’ll take at least 14 days. Wow, working that out it could be 3 and half weeks before I get an answer on my phone and get it back.

So, I’ve gone out an bought a cheap phone I can put my sim into. I can be in contact with friends and family and not feel so isolated. Plus with the nature of my job and me on the road. I’d feel better-having something with me to help in case of an emergency.

Borrowing the works mobile doesn’t allow me this. Now I’m gonna be able to hand works mobile back. Not have to worry about causing that to break. Which if I did they’ll take money from my wages.

February, well, 2018 has been an expensive one so far, I don’t wanna cause more outgoings then necessary. Certainly gonna work on reducing my spending.


Watched: Bright > 2.5 out of 5.