Confidence

I started week one of The Courage Council today. The first five-minute task were prompts about believing in yourself. I wrote things down but I struggled to answer.

That realisation of not believing in myself or knowing what I’m proud of about myself. It’s disheartening to me. That positivity and strength, Molly was talking about. I lack within myself.

This needs to change!

The next task to write down the doubts I carry. Well, that wasn’t hard. I even kept going over time.

The doubts need to change to beliefs!

Again I found the same thing during the slices of life task. I was able to fill in my destroy and weakness boxes. The build and strength ones on the other hand only had one or two in or nothing at all.

I may have already started this work but I’ve already noticed something I need to improve upon.


I’ve always struggled with confidence but I thought I had belief in myself. I find simple things hard to do. Just like a moment ago for instance. I needed my neighbour to move her car to enable me to move mine, in order for my stepdad to get his van on the drive once he got home.

I went straight to panic mode. Even asked my mum if she’d do it. I knew the answer was gonna be no. I took a deep breath, put a big jumper on and went round.

My neighbour was lovely with it. Happy to move her car. Said she was even watching out for my stepdad to get home.

I don’t know why but I find speaking up, asking for what I want scary.

Let’s make a goal.

Goal: Do the things that scare me

It’s quite a broad goal but right now a lot of things scare me. I have a fear of baths remember. Big or small. I need to do them.

 

My Vicious Cycle

For the past 6 weeks, I’ve been going to counselling sessions called Positive Steps. I haven’t felt any different by going. Especially lately as I’ve felt I’ve been going backwards. I am to blame because I haven’t been doing the work.

That has changed.

I’ve started going through my booklet. Doing the work. So far I’ve read what stress is, why we get stressed, symptoms, low moods and anxiety.

It makes sense to me. I can relate to it.

I have completed the first task which is the vicious cycle. I’ve focused on mine on generalised stress, mood and anxiety. Life basically. This is the biggest impact to me, I believe. Which then impacts my other areas of life. This is what I want to look at throughout the course.

Where I want to. I’ll share too. I’ve decided I’d like to share my vicious cycle. Here it is:

Vicious CycleThen week one continues by giving quick tips and introduces mindfulness. Which is the separate online module. The one I started last week. I need to continue that as well.

I need to remember there is only so much I can do at once. I’m on a high and have the motivation to get things done. I don’t wanna jeopardise my healing progress. Is healing process the best way to put it? I dunno. I’ll leave it to you to think of your version.

As I’ve done session one. I’m gonna stop and so some another day. I had my mindfulness module and my courage council work up. That’s gonna be too much. I’m already feeling tired. I’ve been working all day. I think it’s time to relax and switch off for a bit before bed.

I’ve decided to put some music on, do some of my jigsaw puzzle and possibly read before bed. Meaning today would be a none telly day. Woo!

What is there to be down about?

Feeling in a low mood.

Should have a reason to be.

But there is none.


When I feel this way, it stresses me out. Making me worse. A part of me thinks you’re in a low mood, so why? What is there to be down about?

Because I can’t think or figure out why. I struggle to get my head around it even more. I read somewhere, I can’t remember who said it.

Own what your feeling. If your in a low mood and want to get in bed. Then do so. Once you’ve done it. You’ll feel better. Or at least better enough to do something else.

I suppose this has worked for me. I know I should be doing something on my to do list. My mood takes over. I curl up and watch films. There are times I have stopped part way through a film and thought “What am I doing? I need to be doing something”.

Kicking me into gear to do something I need to do. Other times I have to force myself. Something I’ve had to do today. To take in my repeat prescription. To fill up my windscreen wash that has been empty for days. Exercise. Walk the dogs.

I have a list of things to do. As they have no deadlines they don’t get done. Just because I’m in a low mood. Just because I’m struggling to cope with parts of like others find easy and don’t think about.

I’m not wrong to feel this way. There has to be a specific reason for the cause. There are multiple things, all happening at the same time. Whether I fully understand my mental or physical reactions. Or able to answer what is there to be down about or not is irrelevant.

I need to take things slowly. Step by step. Deal with what’s in front of me at the time. Talk about it. Write each evening is something I need to do. All this was inside me and I didn’t know it until I got here.

Whether my mind makes sense or not. I’m on the road to recovery. Slowly but surely. My blog is called My Mind Medicine after all.

Some Words I Put Together

Mind racing

Thoughts a blur

Full of expectations

Heartbreak pending.

Close your eyes

Take deep breaths

Fuel the fire

Feel the roar.

Calm the mind

Listen to thoughts

Lower expectations

Fix your heart.

Dinner and Halo Monopoly

I’m feeling more positive this evening. Tired but positive. I did a step towards one of my goals. I had a bath. I’m finding the sitting in the water less stressful. Having the water with some warmness to it.

It’s the laying down that causes my breathing to quicken and my body to stiffen. I can do that part for a minute or two while holding my partner’s hand. But after that, I need to get out of the bath.

Once I was back to my somewhat, alive, usual self, we went to our friends’ house, G. We walked to Aldi, brought things for dinner. We played Halo Monopoly. I came second. As soon as Monopoly was mentioned on organising today; I thought “O, God. I’m gonna hate it”.

I didn’t. I really enjoyed myself this afternoon. It was just what I needed. It gave me the positive boost in the right direction. The right way to begin the week.

The Stories I Made Up

I didn’t write yesterday. I can’t give a reason why. I’d just be making it up. I’m unsure what I felt yesterday. I didn’t wanna get out of bed. I didn’t wanna think, talk or socialise. I didn’t wanna do anything.

My other half had to drag me out of bed. It took us half an hour to do our food shop because I was on extra slow mode. I did nothing towards my goals. I didn’t go to a birthday celebration I originally said I’d go to.

Apart of me made up the story that as soon as I’d arrive at the party, they would want to go into town and use me as a taxi. My other half and I had already agreed that we were only going to the house party part of the evening.

This probably was never going to happen. Because of how I was I’d never know what would have happened. I did say to my other half that if he wanted to go, I’d go. He decided we wouldn’t. I think that was because of how I was.

I don’t have any feelings of regret. This morning I feel slightly numb. I feel more alive.

We do have plans today with another friend. This, there is no doubt about me having to go. I know I don’t have to feel like I have to hide my emotions and thoughts this afternoon.

The story I made up is that those who were at the party last night would not understand how I am or would judge me. Again until, if, I tell them about how I am. I’m never gonna know.

Connections

Today has been a good day. I had a girls night with B. Food, film and a good gossip. Just what I needed.

I didn’t struggle to think of what to say. I was relaxed. Didn’t overthink anything. I think I found a good friend in B. It may have taken us nearly three years to get here but I’d rather not rush a friendship.

I was able, to be honest about things that have happened or I’m feeling about life. I know she’s been honest with me back. That’s one of the main fears I have. My trust levels have been low but I know I have a couple of friends that I can say anything to. I know I’m being listened to, not judged and can hopefully

That’s one of the main fears I have. My trust levels have been low but I know I have a couple of friends that I can say anything to. I know I’m being listened to, not judged and can hopefully have friends for life.

Connection must be in the air. I feel more connected with my other half today. A flow of conversation and no awkwardness. A bonus.