I Asked!

One of the things I’m not happy with in my life is the instability of my job. I seem to work a lot of hours a week without much of a return. Don’t get me wrong; I love caring for people. I need to do so in a stable, permanent, fixed hour position.

I would look for another job. I even have one in mind. One thing is stopping me. My NVQ. My current employer kindly paid for my NVQ. Meaning I had to sign a contract to say I would repay it back if I left before, 3 months after it was completed. After this time, I don’t have to pay them back.

I’m about halfway through my NVQ. I feel it is going slow. One: I haven’t done a lot to say I’ve got a qualification at the end of it. Two: I wish it was over. I’ve been wishing it would hurry up and end. Not good really with my fear of time.

This wishing isn’t gonna help me. Plus, wishing isn’t gonna get it done. I’m due to meet with my assessor on Friday. I’ve already sent an email asking if there was any way I could complete my NVQ sooner. I got a reply saying we’ll discuss on Friday.

I don’t know what my options are yet. I’ll have to wait until then. But instead of wishing, I took the risk and asked.

Fear of Time

Fears. I have a few. Some silly. Some out of my control. Some valid. There are fears we can overcome. Others are hard to break.

One fear I’ve come to realise over the past few weeks is about Time. More to the fact of running out of it. Maybe that’s where my stress and anxiety over the future comes from.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted things now. If only I could just snap my fingers and it appears in front of me. I’ve wished it be a time in the future.

There are times when my mind goes 100 miles an hour. To the point, I find it hard to function. I’ve got all of the things I need or want to do but I can’t seem to do anything to get the list smaller. When I’m unable to start or complete something in the time I thought it would. I get frustrated and beat myself up about it. Mentally, not physically.

This certainly isn’t the best way to go about things. Time and I need to become friends. Figuring out how to overcome the fear of time. Is one I’m not sure how to go about. Have you any advice or blog posts I could read?

The only thing I can think of right now is to choose one thing to focus on each day. Try to get closure to completing that task. If I do other things as well, great. If not, think “it’s ok, I will get it done. Today is not the day for it.”

Is there another mindset I should have?

I can do everything. Just not right now – Molly Mahar

Anger

I’ve reverted back to anger. I don’t like anger as an emotion. I know anger, just like fear is needed. Maybe I should do a pep talk to anger.

I certainly can say I’m irritable and on the way to being explosive. Anger in others scares me. I freeze, panic and anxiety bubbles in me. I just want to hide. I’m not good with confrontation.

I want courage. But I don’t want anger to be my fuel. It’s not going to get me to the right path. I’m acting on impulse rather than courage. If I’m not careful, it’s gonna come back and bite me.

Friendships Need to be Cherished

After being told about a friend backing out of plans with another. The reason being she was gonna go do something else instead. The day and the party had been planned for months. This friend also pushed for the party to be at my other friends’ house. This made me want to make my first personal ground rule.

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I believe most of my ground rules will be unspoken, common sense, well-mannered rules. But most I do agree with and want to live by them.

Annoyed is the emotion I’ve taken from the news of “friends” backing out of a pre-planned party to go to another. Picking one over the other, when you’ve already agreed to go. I find, is very rude, inconsiderate and hurtful.

Fair enough, if you cannot go in the first place or if an emergency comes up. Not even being apologetic, polite and considerate on how you tell the host also isn’t nice either.

To me, friendships are for life. That’s how I see them now. Unfortunately, I haven’t been so lucky with friendships in the past. Some, I will put my hand up and say it was my fault they broke down. Some down to the other person and a few where you think what happened?

I have become better at maintaining friendships over the years. I have friends who I’ve known since college. I know these, will always be around. Friendships need to be cherished. 

The person I am now, am gonna continue to grow to be, cannot fathom why some people throw others to the side.

My Shift Plan

Through the Courage Council. I learnt about Kate Swoboda. She’s another life coach who focuses on courage as a habit. I found her free resource, The Shift Plan, helpful.

I knew there were things in my life I wanted to shift. This plan helped me to see others by breaking life up into sections. Here I want to share with you My Shift Plan. That, in one year’s time, we can see the shifts that I’ve made.

Personal Growth/Fulfilment/How I feel about me

In one year’s time, I’d like to have shifted to a place where I am/I feel…

I’d like to be more easeful, patient and gentler with myself and the things within my life. I’d like to be more confident in my abilities and speaking up for myself. To be proud, have a sense of fulfilment and all-around happiness. Work towards my goals and being me.

Most Important:

I’d like to be more confident in my abilities and speaking up for myself.

Intimate and Romantic Relationships

In one year’s time, I’d like to have shifted to a place where I am/I feel…

A new level of intimacy to receive and give pleasure. Be patient with my partner limitations. Love unconditionally. Make my requests heard.

Most Important:

A new level of intimacy to receive and give pleasure.

Personal Relationships / Friendships

In one year’s time, I’d like to have shifted to where my relationships with others are/feel…

Cherished. Speaking up for what’s right. Saying no to uncomfortable requests. Being committed to all. Keep the promises I make. Not make promises I know I cannot keep.

Most Important:

Saying no to uncomfortable requests

Career / Work in the World

In one year’s time, I’d like to have shifted to a place where…

I have stability and love for my job at the same time. Have a balance between work and life. To help others while still being true to myself.

Most Important:

Have stability and love for my job at the same time.

Money / Abundance

In one year’s time, I’d like to have shifted to a place where…

I have control over money. Budget, plan and be at ease with my income. I’d like to use the money to treat us to holidays and trips out. Allow money to help me be more me.

Most Important:

Be at ease with my income.


I would love to do Kate’s Courageous Life Program. Unfortunately, it’s not gonna be able to fit in the budget for a while. Anything, I can learn and complete in the meantime, like The Shift Plan, I’m gonna do.

 

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New Goals

 

No Call Came

I felt anger today. My therapist was due to ring me at 11 am. Phone out to hand. Delayed my to-dos in my head for me to start after the call. No call came.

I rung them. When I got through to someone they confirmed I was supposed to get the phone call. They said they’d recorded I rung. That I’ll get a call regarding my appointment.

I had a moan to my friend who goes to the same place. He asked if I had plans to turn my mood around. Luckily I had.

Dave and I went to the theatre to see Allo Allo. I’ve never seen the show. Dave saw the repeats when he was a kid. He wanted to see it. We went. Something new for me.

I found it funny. Not 100% sure what was going on half the time. But I enjoyed myself.

Took away my anger of my therapist never calling me today.

 

Getting Through a Difficult Day

It’s been a difficult day. Today, was the funeral on my main customer. She’s been a big part of my past working year. I’m glad I went to say my goodbyes. See the family I got to know.

Luckily, a few fellow workers came to. We got to grieve together. I was even meant to be back to my office work by 1 pm. I need and wanted more time with her family and my friends. I did email to say I was gonna be late.

I didn’t apologise or make excuses. They knew where I was. I knew I was losing out on pay. There was where I needed to be. No regrets.

Thankfully, this evening I had something to look forward to. My friend offered to make me dinner and tonight was the night we’d organised it for. It was good to have something to look forward to.

He made a lovely meal, we watched a funny film and I was home for half 9. I didn’t even feel my anxiety of being in a rush. I did check the time a couple of times. I didn’t wanna be home late.

Once the film had finished and the football got turned on. I was started to feel tired. I knew it was time to go.

Both the good and sad happened today. I’m safe. I’m getting better. I’m able to last through a difficult day. I’m capable.

So are you!