I’ve been wondering how to start writing my feelings of today. The day started off like any other. Up and off to work I went.
I was lucky enough to have the afternoon/night off work. So I took the opportunity to stay at my dads.
It was great to see him and my step mum. Even got to see a friend of theirs. A good catch up and even though there was no new news on my dads’ illness. It was good not to get bad news.
But my mind was else where. For after the meal my fiance is due to cook for me tomorrow night. A girls night was planned.
This I was very much looking forward to. Me and three other girls in our group getting together for a good chat, films and games. I was even going to confide in them of how I’ve been feeling of late.
But one has to work later than normal due to being understaffed. Which I totally get. Plus the extra pay will help her.
So I let the host know. Then this afternoon I read the reply that it’s cancelled and we’ll arrange another day.
This put me in a depressive type mood. I was low. I had to stop myself from tearing up.
Even though one of the four of us wouldn’t be able to make it. I was still looking forward to going to a girls night. But that didn’t seem to be the case.
To me, it felt I wasn’t wanted (the other two live in the same house). That the one who cancelled was the clue between me and the other two. That if I was the one who couldn’t make it that the other three still would have got together.
The girl who was unable to make it has her own house with her fiance. The two that live together at first was joking that she could move in and be their cook etc. But as the host kept mentioning it, she became more serious. Meaning that is was what she actually wanted.
My two best friends are guys. I don’t have a proper girl best friend. This is what I’ve been wanting for many years. I was hoping the girls night tomorrow could be the start of making a closer friendship bone to the other girls in the group.
I don’t think I’ll have much of an issue with the girl who was unable to come tomorrow. We’ve already made plans for a meetup. It’s the other two or at least the host that will be a question mark.
The third girl I haven’t had any contact with about girls night so I’ve no idea where we stand.
I guess I feel lonely on some level. I have people around me but I don’t feel any true connection with all.
To be honest, right now, I only feel a proper connection with one in my circle.