Anxiety, Depression, Health, Life, Mental Health, Personal Development, Writing

Embracing Emotions

I’ve been trying to understand my emotions today. When I feel something I’ve been trying to figure out the reason behind the emotion. The root cause rather than fight the emotions.

I believe I felt my emotions when I was younger. I remember crying a bit. But I think being brought up where crying and having emotions wasn’t seen as a good thing. I started bottling it all inside.

I think that’s where my insecurity comes from in a way. Now, talking about emotions is becoming the norm, rather than a taboo subject. I need to start recognising my emotions in order to help voice what I’m feeling. Really think about and explore why I’m feeling the way I feel.

Goal: Embrace my Emotions

Anxiety, Depression, Life, Mental Health, Writing

The Darkness Comes

I didn’t like it when I woke this morning by my alarm. This time not because I was still tired. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still tired. When my alarm went off I thought I’d set it wrong.

It was still dark. But the time was right. The mornings are becoming darker. It made me feel disorientated. The pups and I were confused; looking at each other like “What the fuck.”

It’s still Tuesday morning. It’s nearly 6:30 pm and I’ve time on my hands for half an hour. To make things feel better; it’s raining. I opened the door for the pups to go out and they just looked at me as if to say “I ain’t going out in that!”

I wish I didn’t either but I gotta work. I feel better for writing that down. I’ve acknowledged how I feel and I accept it. Time to continue this process.

Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health, Mindfulness

Learning About: Mindfulness

This evening I started the mindfulness module I received after my first week of councilling. It is a very big module so I’ve only done the first section. Learning about mindfulness. I don’t wanna do too much too fast and it not works out.

What is Mindfulness?

It’s a technique that teaches you to live with awareness. Learn to truly experience the present. Be more excepting of what has happened and to focus on being in the here and now. Helps you to see things differently. Because you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings. No longer stuck in them and gain control. Become accepting of what you think or feel.

That would be a great feeling. Recognising what I think, feel and accepting them and having control. Once I read the advantages I starting having more of an opened mind about mindfulness.

  • Let go of certain problems
  • Are able to enjoy the present more
  • Health improves
  • Handle stress better
  • Ability to concentrate improves
  • More energy then before
  • Feel better about yourself
  • Handle emotions better

Even my module said it wasn’t easy. You need to practice a lot to make this change. That you should practice daily. It’s a big time investment. Keep practising until it becomes second nature.

Wow, mindfulness as a habit that’s a thought. There are different techniques. I haven’t got to that part yet but here are a few tips.

  1. Adopt an open mind
  2. Know your benefits
  3. Find support
  4. Go for it!
  5. Reward yourself

Make a list of the benefits mindfulness could provide you. Here’s mine:

  • Relieve stress
  • Improve sleep
  • Increase creativity
  • Bring peacefulness to your life
  • Increase connection to my body
  • Alleviate digestive problems
  • Help me concentrate

Practice even if you want to do something else. I wanted to watch One Born Every Minute but decided it was best to do something. Be kind to yourself. If you manage to practice as often as you intended. Do something that makes you happy.

Time to make a commitment to put it into practice!

On which day will you make the sessions?


Where will you practice?

My room or the garden

At what time does practising suit you?

Early afternoon on days I’m working. Mid-afternoon on my days off. I have every other Friday off. 

What are your expectations?

Accept my thoughts on what they are without passing judgement. Letting go of problems in order to improve my health.

That is my commitment to mindfulness. I’ve put it in my diary and making it an official goal.

Goal: Practice Mindfulness

I hope you learnt something about mindfulness like I did and that you could make a commitment. A commitment to accept and gain control of your thoughts and feelings. Hoping to learn more at each stage of my module.



Depression, Learning, Life, Mental Health, Personal Development, Writing

I’m Writing for Me

There are times before I come to my journal, and think “What have I got to write about?” “What’s on my mind?”

It’s not until I put pen to paper that the words come, I didn’t realise was there. I don’t believe myself to be a writer. I just write what comes out the pen, that’s on my mind. I’ve done a post in the form of a poem before. Poetry isn’t something I read or think about. At the time my friend was writing and I felt inspired.

I think I need an outlet in some way. Such as this to learn about myself. To work out what goes on in this head of mine. In away I’m surprised I’m being successful at journaling daily. Pleased though.

I’ve tried writing before. But it didn’t work out. I didn’t get in the habit and found it stressful. I was putting pressure on myself to write. To share with the world. To have it perfect to get followers etc.

But now I don’t have the pressure on myself. I’m writing for me. Yes, I’m sharing but I’ve got into the mindset that my writing is for me. Once I’ve shared it people can think, say or do what they like about it.

I’m doing it my way. If people read then that’s great. Thank you, readers. If people like, follow, share. Well, that’ll be amazing. It’s a nice thought that I could potentially help someone with what I write.

But at the same time, I need to be selfish right now. Put me and my writing first. Statistics are great but they won’t benefit my writing if they don’t help me.

Right now, I believe writing is helping.

Anxiety, Depression, Family, Life, Mental Health, Writing

My Worst Fear

I’ve had an amazing day. I say amazing, it’s been a very good one. Very productive. I completed my e-learning Safeguarding CPD. I was well impressed.

Then an hour ago, I saw something out the corner of my eye. I thought “Nope, I didn’t see anything.”

Just a trick of the light in my eye.

Boy, was I wrong.

I couldn’t stop checking the area I thought I saw something. Then five minutes later it zoomed past again.

I froze. Stopped breathing. Chest started to tighten. I began breathing heavy.

Then it scurried past again.

I unfroze.

Went downstairs “There’s a spider in my room. There’s a spider in my room.”

I’m tense. Hands clammy. Chest hurting. Breathing fast.

Thankfully my mum has had practice removing spiders from my rooms.

My Mr fluff ball came up with mum. He laid on my bed. He let me stroke him but not cuddle or kiss him. Which he usually does.

It was like he was saying no. No cuddles until you calm down. He was waving and kicking his legs. Growled at me until I was breathing normally. Then he let me pick him up and have a cuddle.

That’s what I get for cleaning my room.

Let’s hope no more surface. If they can wait until Tuesday afternoon. As from tomorrow morning, I’m gonna be home alone with the pups. I don’t wanna be panicking when I get scared as it is.

Right. Stop thinking about it. Nothings gonna happen. All will be ok.

Anxiety, Family, Life, Mental Health, Relationship, Writing

Thoughts of Kids

One day, my partner and I may have kids. We’re not ready in most ways for them as yet.

After seeing my Uncle, Auntie-in-law and my three cousins. One of which is three weeks old, the others one year and in her teens.

I’ve already thought of how I’d like to bring my kids up. Anything like my one-year-old cousin is a no no. Mis-behaviour aside.

It’s been a good day in all. Saw family. Had my group session. I felt I paid more attention to it today. I do need to actually do the work though.

I’m gonna call it a night. My eyes are hurting. I must be tired. Night Everyone.

Career, Learning, Life, Mental Health, Writing

Job Questioning

I’m not really sure what to do about my job. I know I don’t wanna do it or should I say I don’t wanna be doing it how the role I’m in does the job. To begin with, I liked the driving about, being in different places all the time. I think the novelty has worn off.

I like caring for the customers. Helping them where I can. But it’s the travelling about and the unsuitability of being in the community I’m struggling with.

Each week is different. But not good different. In the sense, I don’t know what my rota is gonna say. I may have regular customers but I don’t have a regular pattern to my rota. Or when I feel I have one. It changes again.

I need structure, routine. Be able to know when and where I need to be in advance. Being able to plan things help me.

To be able to have a full day where I’m not anxious to look at my phone just in case its work. I need to be honest but I don’t wanna lose my job.

Anyone been in a situation like this?

The thing that’s stopping me from just looking for another job is my NVQ. My employer paid for my course fees. If I leave before three months after its completion, I have to pay them back.

I don’t know the cost. I did ask at the end of my module hand in email the cost but not sure whether they’ll be able to tell me. I have a week until the remote call. See what happens next week on the job front.