Goals, Life, Mental Health

Developing Meditation Practice

I’ve had the goal of developing a meditation practice on my goal list for a while. Everywhere I look to do with mindfulness, meditation is one of the answers. Which is why I put the goal in my list in the first place.

I’m a person very much in my head. Quick to do things and eating especially. Hence, why I thought meditation should be one of the things I try. I have given it a go every so often. I struggle to sit still to listen or have my mind wonder so much I’m more frustrated more then when I started.

While looking into inhabiting my body, meditation comes up here too; to help with body love, in order to help answer and how to find your true self.

I’ve read that meditation is proven to increase positive emotions and decrease depression, anxiety and stress, among other things. It all sounds amazing for me. It’s getting into the habit, so that what has happened before doesn’t happen again. Clearly, I haven’t found the right way for me as yet. I think I’ll try new ones for a set amount of days then see how I feel about them. Surely there’s a tight one out there for me somewhere. Right?

Goals, Life

What do you value in yourself?

When I think of an answer to the question “What do I value in myself?” I think of traits I have; like being organised. Wow, it’s really hard. Saying nice things about myself shouldn’t be hard. My mind goes blank. I guess my negative beliefs. Have taken over that much I can’t even think of good things about myself.

If I’m to love my body, I also need to love the person I am. Thinking more positive about myself. I treated myself today and got my nails done. Glitter and snow flakes ready for Christmas. That is one thing I love. Having my nails all painted up. I’ve one thing I love about my body now. I’ll have to learn to find other lobes about my body.

Body love is a big thing that can change the way I see myself. I believe it’ll help me with my goal of learning to inhabit my body. I take a pleasure in having my nails done. I want to have the sense of pleasure more often. This is a type of sensual pleasure. Pleasure being one of my ways of being.

I’d like to learn the sensual pleasures not just having enjoyment in the bedroom. Having my nails done is one sensual pleasure I’d like to carry on.

This led me to looking into other ways of inhabiting my body. I found a post that gave ways of getting in touch with your body. I’ve decided to try each on this list throughout 2019. Plus any more I find during my research, to see if any are a pleasure for me or teach me something about myself.

Some of these items scare me and some I judged when I read them. Then I felt guilty for judging. One thing occured to me when I read the post was do I know the true meaning of inhabiting my body?

So, naturally, I googled it. It brought me to this meaning:

Breathing through the emotional pain of our human experience is an initiation that makes more room for our soul to inhabit out body – Intuitive Creativity

Get out of my head and feel my emotions is what I took from that. I found others tell their honest thoughts on their body loves.

It’s great to see others out there telling their stories. I hope to continue to share mine along the way. I know I need to take things slow.


Watched: About a Boy > 3.5 out of 5

Bad Teacher > 3 out of 5

Life, Writing

Are you comfortable in where you live?

Whether from being bullied about my body weight or the depression and anxiety, I’ve had negative thoughts about how I see myself and my body.

“I’m not good enough” “I’m not fat enough” “My nose, hair, stomach, thighs, bum isn’t right. They need changing”

Some people go to different extremes in order to get their body right for them. Sometimes it does help and that change allows them to be themselves for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, the changes have also caused more problems then good. Effecting their lives and body love for the rest of their lives. It can affect a person’s mental health significantly too.

Having a health relationship with one’s body isn’t always easy. If it was we’d all love our body the way they are. A health relationship is what I ultimately want. I want to do it in the healthiest way I can for me. How I’m gonna do that, I haven’t figured that part out yet. But I know I don’t want extreme actions.

My negative mindset on my body isn’t as bad as it used to be but it still creams in. Doubting myself and my appearance. It affects my confidence and happiness. I want this confidence and happiness back. I want that dress I love but thought I couldn’t pull it off. That hairstyle it took me 3 years to achieve due to believing I couldn’t do it.

My inner critic is always alert when my body is involved. I need to teach my inner critic that I’m in control. Maybe the inner critic stemed front those who bullied me at school? I’ve always been saddened and held myself back from the bullies. They aren’t in my life anymore. I was very good at running away, well, moving is the word.

I may have spent 17 years in that one place but I never felt entirely comfortable being there. Never felt like home. Where I am now I do. Being comfortable in my surroundings helped me be comfortable in myself. Is it bad I had to move away from where I grew up to feel comfortable in where I am? Like we can have negative people around us, does that me there can be negative places or is it just how our perception has been created caused by the negative people?

Life, Writing

My Impostor Complex

Everyone has a different perception of what mess is. When you feel messy, no one else knows now messy but you. We think other people are judging us for how messy we are. No one is. They’re thinking the same. I’ve been told this an impostor syndrome/complex.

That internalisation and discounts in excellence is the complex at work. The opposite is unshakable confidence. Well, I certainly don’t have that. If my understanding of the impostor complex is correct, I have it. I may not show behaviours all the time but I go through stages where this would be the case.

These internalised failures and discounted of excellence need to be confronted. Confront the lies, I believe and actions/behaviours I do. Thinking about what I am deeply capable of which, will be more then I realise. When we’re surrounded by those we trust, ask for their help; be together. Those around me want me to succeed. I need to let them. Accepting their help, won’t kill me.

The confidence comes from alignment. But do I have alignment in all I do? Is there gonna be work that’ll bring out the impostor complex? Most likely. But will it give me joy, gratefulness, gratitude or a sense of connection leading to alignment? If so then I want to be doing it, no matter what.

I won’t be alone. There are people around me going through the same. I need to decide to strive. Stop letter the impostor complex have the upper hand. Put the work in by doing the work that I love; that aligns with my truth. I need to allow myself to choose what I want to do with what’s in front of me. I may choose to go back, to stay or to quit. Whichever decision I make is okay.

I need to celebrate where I am and want more for myself. Stop apologising and comparing to others.


Watched: The Shanghai Job > 1.5 out of 5

Life, Writing

Declutter Challenge 2018

I’m proud of myself for today. I got myself into gear and got shit done. I did my declutter challenge; going into my files and not just into my file to-do box. Got a few things sorted for burning. I also got the missing part for the loft ladder, recycled an old laptop and posting it tomorrow. With all the decluttering I only ended up watching one hour of telly. Later on was off to a friend for the evening.

I’ve done well, my step-dad and I went to see the plasterer too. He’s done everything bar one wall. Then as he isn’t 100% a plasterer in our eyes, he’s saying he’s got to sand the walls down that are dry. He originally said January, I don’t wanna wait an extra 3 weeks. Fingers crossed he sticks with that plan so I can start PVAing the walls next week too. I may get it all painted by the time I start my new job. If that’s the case the cellar ceiling can be put on hold a little longer.

Life, Writing

I’m choosing to believe…

Week 3 call went live for HoCo today, but I didn’t feel ready to listen. Same with the guest interviews. I’m not sure why I feel this way. Maybe, I don’t want it to end. Doing week 3 means I’ve got to think about the goals I want to set myself for 2019.

I’ve thought about Be Outside as one and another financial related. Other than that I’ve no clue. But that’s what call 3 is all about; to help. I’ve thought just now of possibly making our house a home as a goal. It relates to a big life goal I created when I did my second round of The Joy Equation with Molly Mahar. These may be the goals, they may not? I may be ready to do them tomorrow.

It could be my fears of failure of the outcome that will be holding me back. I need to remember that I can’t control the outcome. I can only do my best with the pieces I’ve got.

I am choosing to believe in myself, my courage and my dreams. It’s the time to stop the fears taking over. It’s time to be me.


Watched: Friend Request >1.5 out of 5

Jigsaw Puzzle, Life

Behind Door Number 12

Today is the day door number 12 was opened. 12 days of Christmas Street is now complete. I’m glad to have had a different advent calendar. I’m happy to see there are different choices out the that people can have.

Especially for those who cannot eat chocolate. I can eat chocolate but I’m choosing not too. I’m finding better for my health. At the end of the day, my health is more important than eating something that could make me ill.

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