Life, Travel

Rome: Day 4

With our last full day in Rome we decided to explore the neighborhoods to see where it took us. We headed in the direction of Monti, Esquilino, San Giovanni and Celio as we hadn’t been to these areas so far.

I’m taking that some of these areas aren’t as visited much by tourists as some of the places seemed run down compared to the big attraction areas. It didn’t stop us seeing the monuments and parks these areas had to offer.

First up we saw Trofei di Mario and Pizza Vittoria Emanuele II.

Heading over the Esquilino (Esquiline Hill) we found this was closed off, looking in need of some repair. The Parco del College Oppio were open across the road but most of the things to see were behind very high fencing or closed. It looked like some work was taking place on these areas though. The Trajan’s baths on Oppian Hill and Domus Aurea were two of these. There was one statue to see and the Colosseum could be seen too at another angle.

While we were in this area we walked to San Giovanni to see the Obelisk there before heading to Celio.

The Parco del Celio had more to see and looked like it was kept regular. Walking round all that could be heard was the birds but my favourite part was seeing a turtle sunbathing.

He or she looked at me and everything. Leaving the turtle be, the Chiesa di San Gregoria al Celio was around the corner.

Most things were close together within walking distance, if you didn’t want to take the metro. After yesterday morning and the nice weather here it didn’t seem worth taking. Gregoria’s place was just across from Palatine Hill and round the corner from Circo Massimo. Unfortunately it was closed off today but was still able to get a photo and we walked along the area it stood before walking back towards Campitelli.

By this time we got hungry, stopping off at Antico Caffe Castellino we shared a mushroom pizza. It was nice but it doesn’t compare to the memory of a pizza I had on a trip to Italy with school. This is one of the memories I brought back and still remember.

After lunch we set off walking which led back to the Trevi Fountain where we got to sit on the fountain itself and I throw in a coin.

Next we decided to go to Sant’Angelo to see if we can find and explore the Jewish Ghetto. We found Fontana delle Tartarughe:

And the best bit for me is that we found a Harry Potter shop!! We did find the Jewish Ghetto too it was on the next street. Harry Potter shop got my attention though.

Rome has some lovely places to see today but the turtle and Harry Potter shop won for me. Throwing a coin into Trevi Fountain was up there too.

After a pit stop at the hotel, dinner was calling. We went to a restaurant near the Trevi Fountain. It was calls … Trevi but for the life of me cannot remember what the … was. But it was nice food and I tried a dessert that I wasn’t sure what was but tasted like a cheesecake so was a lovely surprise.

It has been a lovely holiday seeing new sites. It’s home day tomorrow. Other then the views from the journey to the airport, that’s as much as Rome we’ll be seeing tomorrow. Until the next holiday.

journal entries, Life

16th-31st January 2019

16th January

I’ve been told I’m gonna be a permanent member of the ward. I’ve had my vaccinations too. My arm I had my Hep B vaccine is aching.

Wow.

I’m even boring myself writing this.

Basically, I’m annoyed.

All because Dave forgot his keys. It’s not the first time. I’m annoyed because I’m having to take responsibility for him and have to think for the both of us 24/7 and I’m tired.

Right now, I’m annoyed that I haven’t helped him be independent. I’ve mothered him like he’s used to when he lived at his parents where he didn’t have to think about anything for himself. It needs to change otherwise we won’t end the year, never mind 50 years together.


17th January

I don’t know what to do with myself. Do I lay it all on the table? What do I lay on the table? I don’t know what it is I want to lay on the table.

Dave: Is anything wrong?

Me: I don’t know

Dave: Maybe see how you are tomorrow.

Me: I’m annoyed at him yesterday about the keys

Dave: Fair enough

Is that a good enough response to my feelings? So far, there’s no sign of what we’re having for dinner tomorrow. If nothing gets taken out of the freezer tonight, there’s only one thing that can be cooked from frozen.

Yesterday, I told him I need him to step up with making dinner more. He’s to cook dinner 3 days a week from Friday; so that he cooks, Fridays, Sundays and Mondays. Not just cook, he needs to decide what we’re having, get it out of the freezer and make sure it’s on the shopping list.

So, how I feel tomorrow is going to depend on that outcome. I believe he’s told me he’s gonna meet me at the house without me prompting and he’s gonna get the bus home, so least that’s a step.

To be fair, I had to say to him a few months ago that he needs to stop assuming I’m taking him to and from work and that I’ll only take him if I say I will. He wasn’t even asking me for a lift, just waiting for the time and let’s go type of behaviour. I’m not a taxi or his mum to do everything and cook 24/7.

He needs to grow up and act like a man.


18th January

2 weeks of CC training theory has come to an end. I’ve a couple more standards and then I’m finished. That’ll be next week as they are paying me to do it then.

I ended up mentioning my frustrations to Dave. I first did it via text as that’s where our conversation was at the time. I got a see you soon reply. He seemed pissed off on arrival but didn’t say anything to me for a good couple of hours.

Back at my parents, he was making idle chit chat. I ended up having to say something.

Me: are we going to talk about the message from earlier.

Dave: (defensively) I didn’t think that was all that needed to be done.

That was all. So I went on to say how I felt about things. I did use the I feel that… rather than saying you’ve not done this or that.

Dave: he’d do better.

All I can do now is see if he does do better. A man with little words. Here’s hoping the actions take light.


19th January

One of my goals is to see Eddie Hall at a strongman event. This I have done this evening. We went to Britain’s Strongest Man 2019. Eddie Hall wasn’t competing though. This is something if like to see.

Tonight he was a commentator. I really got into it, shouting names. I supported all but my heart was for Bishop to win. Although he didn’t come first he went on the podium.

For the full event, it’s online or going live on telly in December.

We got a good done at the house. Finished the trade coat in the bathroom and the main bed; minus around the window due to the new plaster and Dave got one with some sanding.

He had his grumpy face on today until we went out. Apparently, he woke like that. Hopefully, tomorrow will be different.


20th January

Quite a bit of painting got done this weekend. It’s starting to come together. Next weekend the bathroom will be in, it’ll be nice to have at least one working room.

Dave and I still haven’t had a proper conversation. I’ve tried to ask him his thoughts but I don’t get much of an answer. It would be nice to know what he’s thinking, least then things can move forward rather than stay at a standstill.

I really don’t know where my heart stands right now. Dave needs to give me a bit more. It’s like he’s lost his spark, the person I fell in love with. I don’t know how to help him unless he talks to me


21st January

I’ve been able to talk to a friend about my feelings towards Dave. Right now, he clarified most of it perfectly:

“You want him to do stuff off this own back, be it romantic, making you feel at the forefront of his kind by doing household jobs or DIY, enthusiasm and excitement for you and your ventures together with the house and marriage”

It’s been nice to talk to someone about how I’m feeling. Just listening to me to offload everything. He doesn’t seem it’s a hard task to do. But still, I don’t know Dave’s feelings or thinking which don’t help.

I know I’ll have the answers. No one else can give them to me. Dave’s input would help me. I feel these are warning signs.


22nd January

My thoughts are on overdrive. My mind is going 150 miles a second. My thoughts on my relationship are causing my sleep pattern to go down. My body is stressed. I can tell from the pain in my chest and head I’m trying to process all my thoughts.

I’m sharing them with Dave. I’m not sure they’re going through. I was speaking to my stepdad about this and he told me about his and my mum’s thoughts as they have noticed things too.

On Dave’s break, he messaged me asking what I was up too. I said I was speaking to my stepdad. Dave asked me how it went and what we talked about. I said that my stepdad was asking me if we were ok. Dave said he thinks we are, then apologised for being grumpy the last few days.

He then asked me my thoughts. I asked him again why he was grumpy and then said I don’t think we’re 100% no I don’t think we’re ok. He replied to the grumpy part; apparently, a part of it was due to a painful ear. Nothing was mentioned about what I said about not being ok. No, why or anything.

I’ll have to see if anything is said when he gets home. I need to get my mind quieter to help me get my understanding of what I really want / should do.

Plus to help my own health. I don’t want to go back to where I was with my mental health.


23rd January

I’m just at the point I don’t know what/how to think about things. Dave came home from work asking me if I feel better. I wasn’t sure how to answer. I’m not sick. Just telling him my side of things doesn’t make me feel better, just like that. He said over time it’ll change. I can’t wait to feel better. But if / when I feel better I’m not sure right now if it’s gonna be the answer he wants.

I haven’t said about my loss of love in him. If he doesn’t better things it may come back, it may not.


24th January

It was the end of the MAV training today. We did a short BLS training too. The end of MAV meant test training. When it came to the role-playing part, I’m not a fan, but as this could happen and it’s confrontational, I’m scared. That I don’t know what to say or I’ll do the wrong thing.

Usually, I want to run away by now. But I don’t want to go back to square one and I’ll never accomplish anything. I need to do this for myself. I need to overcome my fears.


25th January

Watched: Res Sparrow > 3.5 out of 5

I’ve decided to do a change to my blog post scheduling. Instead of publishing each post daily, around 10 days after the event, I am going to have two posts per month for my journal entries.

For example, on the 16th of the month, I’ll publish days 1-15 of the month. One the 1st of the next month I’ll publish 16-28-31st of the month.

As I have published days 1-15 of January already, I’m going to start with 16-31st January on the 1st of Feb. Things will be more up-to-date and hopefully, it’ll flow a little more.

It’ll give me more time, a way of simplifying things for me without stopping the blog, which I don’t want to do. I still want to share my experiences. My BSL posts will continue to be as normal, twice a month until the series has finished. Any posts to do with goals or have a topic meaning to me these will become published as soon as I’ve finished writing. They won’t be waiting until the journal entry posts.

I’m going to see how these work out. See if it helps my mind de-stress a little. I want to bring back my love for journalling to when I first started.


26th January

We got some painting done at the house and my stepdad has got through half of the bathroom. It’s starting to look like a house now. I’m gonna continue tomorrow but I think I’m gonna rest Monday. I start on the wards Tuesday and I feel I’m coming down with something so I’m gonna take it easy. It’ll be nice to finish off the bedroom and the living room tomorrow.

I told Dave I’m not sure how I feel about us but he’s still expecting me to say I love you. I take it he didn’t fully understand what I meant by that so I’m gonna have to speak to him again about it. We’ll see how he reacts to what I meant originally.


27th January

Well, I told Dave what I originally meant by ‘I’m not sure how I feel about us’ he said that’s what he thought I meant but I had to say to him that I’m not saying I love you because I feel sick/guilty for saying it. He seems to have accepted this.

Today I’m frustrated and tired by everything. I’ve had my mum asking me what’s going on; are we staying together or breaking up. She doesn’t want to continue putting money into it if we’re not. I understand that. I love the house. I’m not sure I love Dave enough to spend the rest of my life with him.

After dinner we had another talk:

Me: what do you want out of life?

Dave: the house and kids

Me: take me and the house out of the equation. What do you want out of life?

Dave: I don’t know. Getting the Wednesday shift on the other department is making work better. But I don’t want to be there the rest of my life. But I don’t want to move anywhere else. I don’t know what I want out of life outside of work.

Me: how come living together 9 months and it’s taken this long and for me to point out that he doesn’t help unless asked

Dave: he didn’t notice how much I do.

Me: did you notice me? How come you didn’t notice how much I do?

Dave: no answer.

Me: I’m blank, I don’t know how to think or feel.

Dave: I don’t know what to do it say to help.

After that, I gave up trying to understand. Dave says he’s trying to process what I’ve told him yesterday but carrying on as nothing is wrong.

I’m at a stalemate. Stuck where I am. Waiting for an answer to fall into my lap.


28th January

Finished: Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed

Boundary Exercise:

Visualisation > standing in a field, the birds singing, trees around, the sun shining. I felt free, at peace. When I saw my boundary line come up. It was a full thick black line at arm’s length all the way around me. When I saw my boundary line I felt it wasn’t inviting or flexible to me. When the people in my life appeared in my boundary, they were all within it causing me anxiety, fear, frustration, guilt, feeling of sickness, like I was trapped. I did not feel secure at all.

What might be the perfect boundary for me?

I feel my boundary would have those closest to me outside my line where there are doors to my boundary line. They can knock to give permission to cross at the right time. Those who aren’t close but in my life would be further out would be able to message or come closer to knock. There would be windows on my boundary so that we can wave to each other.

Getting to know me exercise (from the past week):

Cared for me or taken a moment to myself > today I read this morning and this evening

Have criticised or felt disappointment in myself > Painting the living room and bedroom but not finishing them

Care for another > helping my mum with her washing

Criticised someone else > Dave

Though about something that’s a reflection owed to my parents > Dave and getting things done at the house

Enjoyed a spontaneous moment with friends > No

Did I laugh at a ridiculous situation > no

Felt frightened but known to be irrational > thinking getting hurt at my new job

Have I sulked or deliberately started a fight > yes, at Dave

Consciously pleasing to another > Not this past week

Overall:

I spent time being critical of myself or others. I’m afraid I have not been taking time for myself or spending it with others or caring. I aim to please others most of the time. I don’t enjoy moments of spontaneous fun like I should do.

No wonder I’ve gone at Dave like I have, even though he did need a wake-up call.


29th January

I had my first shift on the ward today. It was nice to experience the ward. I felt like giving Dave a hug this evening. I felt I missed him as well. I told him that and he said he’ll give me a hug when he got home, which he did. After not a very good sleep last night and being tired after my 12-hour shift I’m feeling tired right now so I’m hoping I’ll sleep better this evening.


30th January

It was nice having a day off after my first shift yesterday. Be interesting how I feel over the next couple having 2 shifts in a row. I’m sure I’ll be fine.
It wasn’t all rest though. I got the main bed and living room painting done. I did a few odd jobs, mileage and watched some telly. I also prepared tomorrows dinner as well to save me the time after my long day shift. I hope to make a habit of doing pasta dishes the day before to help reduce my busyness on my shift days/nights.

I’m also hoping I don’t develop the cough and cold my mum and step dad have. I don’t want a long shift and one of them. It won’t be a pleasant experience.


31st January

The last of January; the month has gone so quickly. Good and bad things have happened this month. Some of the bad I feel needed to happen in order to move forward.

We’ve made some progress on the house. Got a few rooms ready to be able to start getting items in and ordering carpets. Although, we still need to go order and choose carpets.

The goal of being outside this month didn’t happen until the other day. It was nice going for a walk with Dave and the dogs and it helped reduce my stress levels with it all going off this past week.

We went to the Yorkshire Sculpture Park. It was a crisp day but still good walking weather. We walked for a good 2 and a bit hours and also getting over 10,000 steps in. Was also a good photo opportunity.

The dogs might have disagreed; they didn’t want to look into the camera. I’ve only focused on inhabiting my body a couple of times this month. Now having shifts I’m hoping my days off will come into patterns and be able to focus on myself and my body during them. Getting to do my goals will be good for me too.

I think focusing on my and my body is something I want to really focus on in February. Now I’m only working 3 days a week, I have 4 to help me do that. I just need to make sure that I do and get my other goals and the long to-dos done as well.

Things with Dave are feeling a little better now. Think there’s gonna be some moments I’ll get frustrated but that’s more me I think as I’ve grown up learning to be an adult. Whereas Dave has been ‘wrapped up’ by his parents; even his mother agrees that they’ve done that. It’s not gonna be fixed over night but it is fixable.

Goals, Life

The Choices Made in My Life

The choices I make in my life are so that I can shine. I do what I can and choose want I want to focus on. There are times I may need to delegate so the day to day grind can get done.

I may make choices that turn messy but I chose it. Whether others want to go ahead and judge, they can. That’s not what’s important. My happiness is. They can judge but it’s not their choices, they are mine.

I take the time to evaluate / reflect on the messy in my life. To figure out the whys and what went wrong. This is so I can learn from the unrest / failure to help grow and move forward to a better outcome.

I’ve found putting the main goal into smaller steps more manageable to achieve. I’m learning more about myself each day and what drives me to achieve or up the wall.

I’m one that underestimates the week ahead to the point I don’t finish tasks or goals I set myself. Instead of jumping in feet first all the time, I need to take a step back and look what’s involved in the coming weeks and calculate my spare time to see if I’m able to give the goal actions the commitment it’s needed.

January, so far, I’ve felt we’ve done well as a group to tick off some actions towards making our house a home.

Eight ticked off and one we decided wasn’t needed any more.

Life

My mind is on overdrive, wanting to get things organised. Not really the best before going to bed.

I found out where I’m gonna be based until April. This placement might also be permanent as the ward wants a full permanent position filled. I’m off for a chat with my current line manager to find out more in a few days.

The windows and doors are happening tomorrow, another task to be ticked off the list. We’re having a very good month on ticking things off for the house. Things seem to be coming together.


Watched: The Shinning > 2 out of 5

Life

We’ve had a good weekend of it at the house. Heating is on. Pipes for the shower have been connected. We’ve been fixing the plasterers mess but we’re unable to complete today due to someone not turning up. So, we ended up going to the cinema. I dried at the trailers, set me up good for the film.

We also have friends time last night and time with family this evening. I want to get the house sorted but I was glad for a rest. I’m tired and with just only being the first week of a new job I don’t want to exhaust myself.

I’ve been thinking of the wedding this evening too. Having another look at the guest list and potential food as the main meal. I’m trying to go with the majority as not to waste too much food or money.


Watched: Mary Poppins Returns > 4 out of 5

Learning, Life

I’ve done a full week of training for my new job. Hearing stories makes me think, at times, what have I got myself into. But I feel I need a new challenge and this is one. It’ll help with my confidence and boost my communication skills.

By the sounds of it, there will be times it’ll be like going to the gym. Hopefully it’ll improve my strength too.

I’ve handed in my work so far. I’ve completed the online work too. The completed week leads to a busy weekend; there’s work getting done at the house.

We’ve a night out with friends and an evening with family. I think I’ll need time off after. Least we’re still in the classroom next week.


Watched: Collateral > 2 out of 5

Life

‘Jumping to Notifications’

After sending a text to Dave at lunch, I put my phone down and looked around at my fellow colleagues, everyone else was on their phones. The odd conversation was happening but eyes to their phones.

When in the class room, I’ve had my phone on silent, in my bag. Some had theirs on the table, on silent, but every so often might look and reply to whatever they needed to reply too.

While watching the telly this evening, when my phone went off, I jumped on it to reply. Then I kept checking different things to see if there was any change. I realised I need to stop. My old job I have emails galore. I needed to use my phone for work as the care plan was assessed through an app.

I don’t need to do that with my new job. My phone is a lot quieter and my mind’s only processing it now after 2 away. You know what? It’s nice. I still need to stop jumping each time I get a notification or checking my phone for changes. I ended up putting my phone on silent for a couple hours this evening. Maybe I need to take steps away from my phone. Work on that separation anxiety of not responding to things straight away.

The world isn’t gonna collapse just because it’s taken me X about of time to reply to an email, message or a phone call. To work on my face to face conversations to better my communication. It’s not gonna hurt me, it’s just gonna take some time to feel comfortable; talking and spending time away from my phone.