A Road to Less What Ifs

I think I’m a quitter. Keeping up with things, facing challenges or the fear of what lies ahead. I just walk away. I remember saying “I don’t want to do this”

I remember saying “I don’t want to do this” about dance classes when I was a kid. Thankfully, I got over stage fright in secondary school.

I did one day of girl guides. I remember crying in my mum’s arms. Couldn’t give you the reason now.

I jump from one thing to another. My attention span is short.

I say I’m a quitter. I should say I used to be a quitter.

I get scared, fear things. Anxiety flaring.

But I’m better. Not 100% better. But better enough that I take responsibility.

I say I’m scared. I fear the unknown.

I don’t just give up. I still stop doing things or can’t be arsed when I know I should. On the road to recovery. I have a long way to go. I have many unknown lessons in life to learn. Fear won’t get me through. As far as any nerves I have. I need to use them positively.

Help me to push through. To enjoy every moment of life. See all I should face. So that I don’t have to say What IF?

Relaxation Techniques

I had a little scare a while ago. All due to idiots on the road. Causing another car to nearly tip over and head straight in my direction. On a 60mph road no less. The idiot driver trying to over take within a dip/corner. Noone thankfully bumped into another.

When I saw the car coming towards me, my heart felt like it was gonna jump out of my chest. I had to stop myself from crying. Used the breathing in and out technique. Luckily I did some of my relaxation module before I left the house. The breathing technique was one I tried.

Breathing Technique

I had to stand bare footed, eyes closed, hands on lower stomach. Breathing in through my nose to the bottom of my stomach. Then breathe out through my mouth. Repeat.

Well, at the time of doing this standing up in my room, I just felt frustrated in myself. But now I’m glad. It’s helped me calm myself and prevent a panic/crying attack in the car. Not what you want before turning up to a customer home.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

I also tried the progressive muscle relaxation technique before I left for work. This didn’t help me in the car. But I left it released some tension in my muscles before I left for work.

This technique involved inhaling through the nose as you tighten muscles and exhale through the mouth as you release the tension in the muscles.

I did this while lying on my back, palms up and feet to their sides. When breathing in, focus on one body part at a time, e.g. left leg. Tense all the muscles in this body part. When breathing out, relax all muscles.

Do this with all the muscles in the body, including the face and buttocks. In-between each body part, have a breathe in and out to help relaxation.

After this one, I felt my muscle tingle, like they were starting to relax. There was another technique but I didn’t want to spoil a good thing. I’ll do that another time. To properly relax, it says to repeat techniques daily, getting into the habit.

Goal: Relaxation Techniques


Ups and Downs

I said I would be honest with myself. I want to be honest with myself. I forgot about journaling today. I’m not sure how, but it slipped my mind. I guess I was that tired. I felt tired most of the day.

It was a mother-daughter day today trip to Bolsover Castle to see the Cavendish horses. A late birthday treat. It’s nice spending time with my mum. It’s not something we’re able to do often enough.

Lately, it has been dog walking once every one to two weeks we’ve been able to squeeze in together.

She made a note that I walked slightly funny. Something to keep an eye on.

Out of me and my other half, I’m the only one that drives. I drive for my job and all personal outings. Plus the picking up and dropping off. Lately, I’ve felt like a taxi and resented driving.

I mentioned that we need to talk about driving today once I’d left him for the day. Because I wanted to talk face to face. We had to wait until the evening to talk it through.

This caused me to run scenarios in my head. Like role playing what could happen. Not that any of the scenarios would actually happen. It’s something I find hard to shake off.

It wasn’t just my driving conversation going through my head. I also have plans for tomorrow; a walk and lunch with friends. This was running through my mind as well.

I’m hoping the positive steps course with the therapist helps shake these off.

The driving conversation went well in the end. My other half said he’d be happy to learn to drive again. So I will contact my uncle tomorrow and see if he is willing to help us out.

A Birthday, a Journal and a Goal about Baths.

Don’t you love the smell of a new, fair trade, leather type journal? Writing with a new pen? A good choice of gift. I’m glad because I don’t think I would have chosen it for myself.

Today has been a very good day. Actually, the weekend has been a new lease of life in a way. Maybe the excitement and business have prevented me from letting my thoughts wonder. Will have to see how it goes.

Will have to see how it goes.

*Will have to remember to do that relaxation module*

Celebrated with great friends. The gifts I did receive (apart from the bath bombs) were great. And I was able to save and spend some money on what mattered and I liked.

Bath bombs! You’re probably thinking ‘what has she got against bath bombs?’ Well, the bath bombs themselves, I’ve nothing against them. It’s the baths. They cause me to have anxiety attacks. I’m not as bad as I used to be. I couldn’t even give you the cause. But they are not my favourite thing.

I’m now at a point where I can sit in lukewarm water sat up to my hips for around five minutes. With another person in the room with me. But I want to get over it and relax in one.

Goal: Relax in a bath

I want to be able to be in for at least twenty minutes and use a bath bomb. O and no one else in the room with me.