Life

A New Job Chapter Ahead

Tomorrow I have my last call in my community care worker position. Just having one call, makes today feel like it’s my last day. I am over the moon. It’s just over 2 years I’ve been in this job. It’s had its good times but the frustrations of it caused them to be over shadowed.

In 11 days time I’ll start my new adventure. My aim for the break in between is to get shit done and rest some.

Life, Writing

What’s your body love truth?

I was bullied when at school for my weight. I’m naturally thin. I can eat anything and no put weight on. The women in my family seem to have the same thing. Clearly, it’s in the genes. When at a certain age, the weight starts to pile on.

Growing up I was shy and didn’t have confidence in new surroundings. Even when I got used to people and gained friends I still wasn’t my full self. I felt I had to lie about things so that I would be liked. Whether I lied or told the truth I felt like I couldn’t win and struggled to stay friends with others. Falling in and out with those around me on a regular basis.

One of the things that got me down the most was “friends” kept calling me anorexic. I was thin, yes, but I was never anorexic. I feel this didn’t help me love my body or have the best relationship with food.

I was a picky eater. My dad never knew what to feed me when I went to visit. Pizza Hut was the place to go. I love pizza to this day. I wasn’t very helpful in saying food choices to eat. I just rather have stayed quiet. I would eat in front of others, but when I was home I went through stages of not eating much or comfort eating loads. I still have spells of comfort eating now, just not to that extreme.

No matter how much or little I ate my weight never changed. The only time I thought, “Yes, I’m putting on weight” then felt depleted again once I connected it to my period each month.

I saw a dietician while at college. Even with her pointers, nothing changed. My relationship with food is better now, I even try to eat healthier and have a more varied diet.

I have never “dieted”. I feel if I started I would cause more harm to my body the good. I love my body now more then I did at school but I’m not 100% with it.

When it comes to exercise, I did dancing, gymnastics and the PE we had to do while at school. But since leaving exercise and my body/mind have not been friends. I go through phases where an exercise is something I do. But times I’ve stopped because I connect it with my weight or how thin I looked.

Other times I’ve done it and thought I’m not strong enough physically to do what I was doing in order to carry on. So why bother? Not thinking to build up my strength having an exercise routine could help. I’ve seen physiotherapists about different parts of my body. They’ve told me I’ve a muscle imbalance. I’m weak in my muscles and exercise is something to help strengthen them.

Plus it’ll be good for having a healthy body and mind. Seeing that my mental health has highs and lows this would have been motivation. But no. I think my mindset relationship with my body needs to get into a level of agreement in order to help my body love to grow.

I like what AZ said in a Holiday Council post about her joy of exercise:

I call it joyful movement because I do indeed find it joyful and feel so much better when I do it – not to try to lose weight or anything but because I know how good I feel

I like that because she’s found a way to put it so it sounds joyful as well as doing whats joyful to her.

In 2018 I set a personal ground rule to do a daily movement. This isn’t something I’ve done on a daily basis. I’ve gone about my daily needs but not mindfully set time or thought ‘let’s go for a walk’ etc. I’m also one to start something and give up or even just forget about it.

To allow myself to find pleasure in loving my body, I feel this would need to change. Right now, I don’t have an answer to how things could change. I believe reflecting on how I’ve felt/been in the past could help me to get better for the future in learning to inhabit my body.

I want to focus on feeling good. Not force myself and my body to do things we’re not ready for.

Could that be my body love mantra?

Life, Writing

My Impostor Complex

Everyone has a different perception of what mess is. When you feel messy, no one else knows now messy but you. We think other people are judging us for how messy we are. No one is. They’re thinking the same. I’ve been told this an impostor syndrome/complex.

That internalisation and discounts in excellence is the complex at work. The opposite is unshakable confidence. Well, I certainly don’t have that. If my understanding of the impostor complex is correct, I have it. I may not show behaviours all the time but I go through stages where this would be the case.

These internalised failures and discounted of excellence need to be confronted. Confront the lies, I believe and actions/behaviours I do. Thinking about what I am deeply capable of which, will be more then I realise. When we’re surrounded by those we trust, ask for their help; be together. Those around me want me to succeed. I need to let them. Accepting their help, won’t kill me.

The confidence comes from alignment. But do I have alignment in all I do? Is there gonna be work that’ll bring out the impostor complex? Most likely. But will it give me joy, gratefulness, gratitude or a sense of connection leading to alignment? If so then I want to be doing it, no matter what.

I won’t be alone. There are people around me going through the same. I need to decide to strive. Stop letter the impostor complex have the upper hand. Put the work in by doing the work that I love; that aligns with my truth. I need to allow myself to choose what I want to do with what’s in front of me. I may choose to go back, to stay or to quit. Whichever decision I make is okay.

I need to celebrate where I am and want more for myself. Stop apologising and comparing to others.


Watched: The Shanghai Job > 1.5 out of 5

Life

My Hesitation/Fears for 2019

It’s been lovely to have 5 days off work. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to go back tomorrow. I’m trying to think that I have 3 weeks left of which is 13 days worth of work. Hopefully, it’ll go quickly.

We had our first window and door company come to quote us today. We thought it was a good price. We’ve another coming next week so we can compare. But I’ve a good feeling about the person who came today, he didn’t try to get us to buy today either.

With all the other financials that we’re to pay out over the next year. I’m thinking a big goal for 2019 should be about money.

I suppose my hesitation or fears for my 2019 vision is that I’m not gonna succeed. Also, it’s that fear I’ll fall into my procrastination habit rather than getting the motivation to get things done.

I definitely need more accountability, I’m used to keeping things to myself. Rather than having others keep me on track.

Life

Just Another Sunday

It was emotional for my gran last night. The frustration is getting to her.

Once I was home I relaxed but started feeling ill a bit. Maybe I’m coming down with the flu?

We’ve another family meal this afternoon then it’s escaping James Bond with friends. Can’t wait to get together with the crazy lot. Least we can be bitches to each other and laugh about it. Seems like there’s drama happening with another group of friends and I’m so glad it doesn’t involve me. I’m keeping out of it.

Goals, Learning, Life

BSL Video Series: Family Members

This post in the BSL Video Series shows the signs that I learnt when learning the members of a family. As there are a few in this video, I have decided to have this one video for this post, then in the next one, I can move onto showing signs for describing family members.

Some of the signs you’ll see incorporate the fingerspelling of the Alphabet. If you would like to recap, click here.

On to the family members video:

 

The video for this post shows the following words:

Family
Mother
Father
Parent
Brother
Sister
Daughter
Son
Grandmother
Grandfather
Friend
Man
Woman
Boy
Girl
Boyfriend
Girlfriend

Previous: Work Signs

Next: Describing Vocab

Life, Personal Development, Stratejoy

HoCo 2018: ‘I’m Making Progress’

I’ve done better with this No Telly Tuesday; I haven’t forgotten about it. I’ve been productive at Getting Some Shit done. I’ve also popped into my new job to hand in some last pieces of paperwork. Hopefully, my last reference is going to be sorted too. I have everything crossed that I’ll finally get a final official job offer.


HoCo 2018 Day 2

I asked my grandad about the exercise bike last night. He said I can get rid. I’m gonna see if I can get some pennies for it and if nothing comes from that take it to the charity shop. I’ve also decided to declutter my file box for the activation challenge. It’s where I put things I need to sort out another time. It’s like my physical to-do-list but my digital to-do-list gets more attention.

I listened to the first guest interview but listening is a strong word. I was getting distracted by other things. I couldn’t or should I say I struggled on a general basis to sit and just listen. I ended up pausing at each distraction so I couldn’t miss anything that was being said. Being in the now and listening is something I need to work on. Even so, I did take things from Jen Louden call:

I used to do monthly updates but I’ve lapsed on these in the past view months; maybe coming up with my own tracking review each month will put me back on track on my yearly goals to have a check in with myself in between each of the quarterly reviews. I could use my diary as my weekly check-in? Give myself a reality check to what appointments, work and to-dos that need doing and the time I have to do the work on my goals. Allowing myself to schedule and focus on some me time.

What I really need to do is celebrate the good things, what goes right when a goal is finished.

I need to be aware of constructing identity. Jen explains this is where current desires are being looked through the lens of the past. For example, using I should have done this etc. But also be aware of what future identities like visualisations that are sabotaging the present. Practice focusing on the now; maybe with meditation. I need to let go of the past and future energies that may not be possible right now to prevent my NOW identity from growing.

I also need to figure out what is good enough for me. What does enoughness look or feel like to me? I believe I hold my enoughness at too high a level. Sabotaging my satisfaction and giving too strong intentions. I need to let go of expectations. That the goals I haven’t reached this year are still a vision, just because I didn’t get there this year doesn’t mean I can’t try again next year.

While writing up these answers I’ve realised that I’ve got some responses for my reflection challenge; things I want to leave behind in 2018. I’ve still yet to figure out how I’m gonna do in terms of ritual.

I feel that I’ve taken this HoCo this year more on board in the last two days then I did for the whole of the first year of doing it. I’m making progress!!