journal entries, Life

Journal Entries: 1st – 15th April 2019

1st April

I didn’t sleep well last night. I feel it was anxiety I had from my last shift that’s been floating around my head for the past few days. The shift itself went well. I’m not 100% comfortable but right now it’s a job that I’m able to learn from. I feel it’s gonna be valuable to me. I need to pick myself back up and enjoy the good things I have right now.

2nd April

I’m grateful to be able to spend time with my dad and step-mum.

3rd April

I spoke about what I’m feeling, or should I say not feeling. I’ve felt it for a while but been in denial/didn’t want to admit to myself. Now I just have to say it to the person who needs to hear it. Will this make me sleep better? I don’t know but I can’t let it go on longer then it should. I now just have to wait until we meet face to face.

4th April

Watched: Oceans 8 > 3 out of 5

I felt like I had a bit more of a purpose today. I volunteered this morning, came home and did some odd jobs. I even walked the dogs twice, one of which was a family occasion. I need to figure out what it is I want to be doing with my life. Is there anything in the world that is gonna pay me enough or is there something that is gonna keep me interested with the main thing of not causing me to feel anxiety?

5th April 

I got through today’s shift. I’m not 100% sure about how I go on when certain members of staff are on and in a stressful mood. But I know I shouldn’t think that way as that is trying to mind read others. That isn’t a good thing to be doing. I know this, I catch myself at times and tell myself to stop.

There are things happening with my grandparents; they’ve been ongoing for a few years but some positive things have happened today. There’s been new equipment been put in place with one set of grandparents. These will make things easier for them and us in moving around. Another grandma seems to be accepting the care home she’s been placed in the other day, for the first time in after how long a road it’s taken to get there. So fingers crossed it all stays positive.

6th April

I’ve been down today. I have no reason to give as to why. I don’t like feeling this way. I’d rather know what the reason is, that way I have an idea what to do with my issues.

I’m meeting Dave tomorrow. It’s time I need to tell him how I feel. He wants to bring things into the house but doesn’t seem to want to help get it to the finished point. I feel like there’s no care about him helping. It’s just I’ll meet you and bring things when the work is done.

7th April

Dave and I went for a walk today. Not where we originally planned; a walk all the same. I didn’t want to drive somewhere that didn’t have an escape option for the both of us after the conversation I knew I needed to say. We had the chit chat part down for most of the walk until on the way back. I started the conversation about how I felt and didn’t feel. We ended the relationship. I ended it but there was no fight back or negativity from Dave.

We agreed we could be friends still and that I could try to ask for the whole ownership of the house. It’s a waiting game to see what happens with the house and then to get our belongings back from each other’s parents house.

As a friend said “It may be crappy at the moment but it’ll get better” and from another “It’s a brand new start where you’ll flourish”.

8th April

I had my first supervision at work. It’s one where I offload about work without having any worries with what I say. I feel that way with the person I have. I think if I had someone who works on my ward full time I wouldn’t be as open. I have these every 4-6 weeks and I think they’ll help me process what I want to do work wise for the future. From that, I had a to-do and I’ve had a couple to-do beforehand. I sorted out one to-do from before the meeting and the one from the meeting.

I know I’ve grown in confidence over the last 3 months, workwise and I’m sure I’ll continue to grow each day.

9th April

Watched: Death Wish (2018) > 2 out of 5

Finished Reading: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

I thought I was good by myself. I’m independent by being able to do things for myself but I’m not comfortable fully in knowing myself and what to do to past the time. I guess being in a relationship for the past 4 and 1/2 years a part of me has been lost since I was last single.

I’m wandering around the house wondering what to do with myself on a day where it’s no telly. That is something I need to find out. Do the things I enjoy and find out new things about myself I didn’t before.

I had a walk and a dance around to music; two things I enjoy but also help with my health. I finished a book and started a new one. It was a takeaway night at my parents. They decided to eat it in front of the telly. Being no telly day for me, I was a bit apprehensive at first but I thought if I ate mine at the time I would be isolating myself, to then go to my room after the food.

Because of this, I decided to join them and we ended up watching a film together. A no telly day is something I am keeping for myself but I don’t want it to take away time with those I love.

10th April

I said to someone at work that I’d rather be alone and happy than with someone and be unhappy. For some reason I don’t yet, people get involved with things that don’t concern them. I had a friend message me today to apologise for being the reason D and I broke up.  Her ex, who happens to be a friend of D’s was blaming her because he was unhappy she had told another friend the news.

I don’t have a clue what was going through his head. I don’t want to know. I informed D with my friends’ permission and reassured her that our break up wasn’t anything to do with her and everything that she said what the truth to our other friend. It all seems bizarre really. Will have to see what surprises happen soon.

11th April

Expectation Circle:

What are my intentions for this circle?

To see the expectations I may have for what they are. To be able to reduce these over time and figure out more about myself to enable me to love me for who I am and know who I am.

Tell the truth in my journal – I don’t have to do anything about what I write until I’m ready

Expectations to me are things I feel pressure to accomplish. I say need, it’s more a should. That people-pleasing way so not to let others down, even if not 100% for me. Although I have started to reduce the expectations from my anxiety, it’s still something that causes me ill feelings.

Who am I ‘supposed’ to be right now?

Kindness Acts. Homeowner. Blogger. Single. 27. Employee. Granddaughter. Daughter. Goal Setter. Volunteer. Friend. Doggy Mum.

I’m ‘supposed’ to be in a relationship I’ve just come out of due to ease and financial. But that’s not allowing me to be happy.

What feels like a ‘should’ in my life right now?

  • I should be in my own place right now
  • I should be happy with my body and what I put into it
  • I shouldn’t be sat watching telly in all my spare time
  • I should be out with friends and family
  • I should look my best all the time
  • I shouldn’t let other people’s judgements and actions affect me
  • I should be doing actions to my goals every day
  • I should be married and have kids
  • I should fit into the personal lives of my colleagues

I have made choices before based on the path I was on and those around me expected to finish that route; whether it was to do with my career or life choices. I guess I’ve relied on those expectations of others that I haven’t trusted my gut about and known where I wanted to go in the future.

What do I want now? Am I working towards them? Are they all mine?

I want my own place, to be able to live independently and feel the freedom to do as and when I please.

I want to feel I’m being wholehearted in the life I’m living.

I want to help people live a better life.

I want to travel and have new experiences.

I say I want to live an adventurous lifestyle.

If these are true or not, I’m not 100% sure. 

12th April

My body love is lacking. I am comfort eating to the point I get pains in my stomach. I’m not doing much exercise apart from walking. Loving my body is hard. But why is it so?

I’ve received a new exercise outfit today, I like yoga and pilates. I want to get back into a routine to help me feel good about myself and in my body. It’s something I’m gonna have to work hard at. It’s not happiness that comes easily to me. I guess breaking in a new habit isn’t I don’t wanna eat and slump myself sick.

I want to live a life that allows me and my body to have the energy to get up and go. If I had that energy, maybe I would have enjoyed a great night with a friend and made a new one. I’m self-sabotaging my life. I believe a part of me is scared to get out there and live it.

13th April

We had a group meet up this evening, meaning it was the first time seeing D since we broke up. I felt awkward around him really. I guess I’ve got to get used to seeing him as a friend only now where before we’ve only had that couple status. I’ll be seeing him again tomorrow for a couple of hours. Hopefully, I’ll feel less awkward about things.

14th April

I’m letting D get under my skin. Well, I should say in my thoughts. My thoughts are causing me to be frustrated at him. The thoughts are my problem. This weekend, I’ve seen D on two occasions, both with friends. Each time he appears to be his happy go lucky self like nothing has happened. I’ve been told by a friend he’s taking the break up hard.

I don’t doubt my friend. But just like when in a relationship he’s not showing me his true feelings and it is frustrating me. Yes, we’re still friends. His deepest, darkest feelings are not mine to know anymore. But saying he is fine to me and not to another is what is causing me to take it harder then it should. It’s put me in an annoyed mood at the two meetups. I don’t want is causing a break up in the group. I need to stop it affecting my thoughts because it’s stopping me from being present in the moment.

15th April

I set myself the target of only using social media on a Friday and Saturday. I’ve been back using social media for 5 months and I’ve reverted back to using it as a procrastination and avoidance technique. I’ve had moments of picking up my phone and looking through it. If I hadn’t set myself the goal to not use social media I believe I would have spent quite a lot of time on Facebook or Instagram.

My social media and phone usage are preventing me from staying present in the moment. I’ve set this action item for myself to help me realign with myself and space; a Q2 goal. I did so well at having 13 months from social media entirely. It would be a shame to have my habit get that bad to have to reinstate that.

I feel having the 2-day social media usage week will allow me to work on stopping me grabbing my phone and think and do things I enjoy and need to get done. If I’m grabbing my phone, do I really enjoy what it is I’m doing?

journal entries, Life

Journal Entries: 16th – 31st March

18th March

Watched: Hurricane > 2 out of 5

I’ve been on a set of nights the past 3. During the day I’ve been focused on sleeping during the day, with that and my lack of drive to do much of anything. I’ve not done what I would usually do. Journalling is one of them.

I’m getting to the point of feeling I don’t want to go any further with my relationship. I’m gonna and need to really think about it, as it’s not doing me any favours. I feel if it wasn’t for the house I would have walked by now. Doesn’t that say a lot?

19th March

I’m beginning to mix both productive and me time to-dos into my no-telly day rather than one or the other. Having done this I feel like I’ve done something without feeling like I’ve neglected myself.

But I’ve still got my relationship status niggling at me. But I’m not really processing things like I should. I’m coasting along waiting for something to happen. Maybe I’m waiting for a sign.

Right now, I feel I need someone else to decide for me. It’ll be easier than going through the mind mush I’m feeling.

20th March

I think doing a month of nights has helped me to build my confidence up. Starting days today, I felt more settled about it. Even got proposed to by a patient. I did turn them down.

With my relationship, I feel I’m going towards the end side of things rather than stay.

21st March

Being at work has been a Godsend. I’ve not thought much of anything. I’ve been present in the moment. That’s something I need to work on throughout my personal life.

Today, I’m grateful for my dad ringing me to check in; to see if I’m ok. Being there and not making me rush my mind. Where I feel my step-dad is rushing me. That’s something in his nature but it isn’t helping me. It’s putting me down in mood since I got home from work. I was feeling good before I walked in the door.

22nd March

Watched: Us > 1 out of 5

23rd March

Dave and I had a date night last night. It wasn’t a bad date. I felt more like I was going out with a friend throughout the whole evening. At the end of the date, Dave asked how I felt about things.

Me: about in what way

Dave: us

Me: I don’t feel any difference in how I feel and if it wasn’t for the house potentially I would have already said goodbye to us already. That I think we need to go back to the beginning.

Dave: What do you mean by that.

Me: Having space and going back to dating

Dave: would it be a good idea if I go back to my parents’ house and if it will be full time or part-time.

Me: full

Dave: if you think it will work

Me: I’m not saying it will or that it won’t. I’d rather try something then not do anything at all.

Dave: Ok, I’ll ask my dad tomorrow (as in today) and move out Sunday.

We’re not broken but we’re not gonna be living together for a bit at least to see if it helps.

Me: how do you feel?

Dave: that it’s something worth trying rather than doing nothing. It’ll be strange living back with my parents and that I’ll be down for a couple of days but I’ll be ok.

I also spoke to him at the end of that date about him moving back to his parents. Just cause he’s moving back to his parents he needs to be independent. It shouldn’t mean his parents do everything for him still. He said he understood what I meant. I don’t know if his parents know the full extent of what is going on with us or anything at all. But having a girls day before our date night made me feel good about being honest with Dave wholeheartedly.

24th March

Dave has moved out. He’s taken some of his things; not all of them. I’ve been sorting my room out this evening and moved the majority of his things into a wardrobe so I can think clearly about things. It’s gonna go one of two ways. We continue life together as a couple or we don’t. The couple way is the easiest but that shouldn’t be the reason to stay. Hoping dating will allow a spark to be re-alight.

I’ve also been updating a couple of people who have no clue what’s been going on. One of whom has been Dave’s sister. I’m still waiting for a reply on what I’ve said to her. So, I’ll have to see. I have no clue what they’re gonna be like. Apparently, Dave told his dad we’re in a bump and that we’re gonna live separately until moving into the house to see if that helps. As far as I’m aware no details more or if he’s talking to anyone else about things.

25th March

It’s been 24 hours since Dave has moved out. I’ve spent my day at work so, today I haven’t thought about ‘us’ much. I’ve messaged him. To begin with, it’s cause I’ve felt I should do. Usually, after work, I’m all in a rush if I’ve had to do but this evening there’s been things I’ve needed to do but it hasn’t felt completely rushed. I’ve done more than I usually would have done.

So, far I haven’t been totally successful with my Take a Minute journal. I am gonna come back to this one. Last week my Happiness Planner arrived. I’ve started the questions last week and planned to start my 100 days today. I wasn’t successful at answering all the questions but I did start my Day 1 today and answered some more of the questions. I’ll try to do the others tomorrow or Wednesday. I’m hoping that doing the 100-day Happiness Planner that I feel or see a change in my habits by the end of it.

26th March

I’m feeling more confident at work now but I’m running my mouth where I shouldn’t at times. I need to work on this and be mindful of what and when I say things before I get into trouble. I’m already feeling anxiety over it so I know within myself it’s a bad thing. It needs to stop.

Unfortunately, we’ve received some bad news today in the family. 2 weeks ago my grandad had a mole removed which has turned back as cancerous. We are now waiting for an appointment with the consultant so we can know more about things and to what extent it’s affected him. My grandma is also, unfortunately, getting more confused and to the point, she is unable to stand without assistance. She is getting that thinking look when we come around before realising we’re her family. As my mum said ‘if it doesn’t rain, it pours.

27th March

It’s been my first day since Dave moved out. I’ve had things to do. I’ve had time to also do a review of my Q1 and make my Q2 goals, watch a film and go to a leaving do. Although my anxiety and depression are better then it used to be, I’m still getting anxiety flushes. I felt some today about the leaving do, I went through ‘I’m not going’ to ‘I’ve already said I’ll go’ a number of times before the event.

I went but I’mm not good at the talking part of a social event but I got through it and had a lovely meal with some of my work colleagues.

28th March

I was put into a funk mood due to something that happened at work. It made me feel I wasn’t good enough to do what it is I’m doing. It’s put me in a downer for the rest the day.

A good thing that came out of my work is that I’ve passed my Care Certificate training.

29th March

Finished Reading: The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Authentic Kick-Starter Course

Day 9, Part 1 Continued > I suppose that I feel like when I make a connection with someone I hope it to stay with us. I have been vulnerable but cannot see that vulnerability back. I fear that there isn’t that vulnerability connection available.

Day 10, Part 1 Continued > Learning is something that I like but to have to fail to learn something doesn’t feel right to me. Getting out of that comfort zone is something failure comes under for me. I’ve been brave and had a conversation about what I need out of our relationship. I’ve tried to get his needs and what he appreciates but that vulnerability and his needs aren’t clear. I’ve asked, with the conversation in a different way but this isn’t coming across easily.

30th March

I’m glad to have my family and friends around me. We had a lovely family meal and my friend has booked us a spa day together in just over a months time. Certainly, something to look forward to. Especially, with everything that’s been going on.

I’m still in my head. Tomorrow I need to try more to get myself out of it as I have a shift to work on Monday. I need to be on my game and not let what got me in a funk keep me feeling this way.

My telly obsession is getting in the way of me focusing on myself and my goals. Maybe I should have a year off from the TV like I did with social media and chocolate. Least the year of no chocolate has stuck past its year.

Focusing on me in the present is clearly something I’m avoiding. It’s something I need to get through regardless of how hard it might be.

31st March

My grandparents had health problems that needed seeing to today, which meant I was focusing on them today.

journal entries, Life

Journal Entries: 1st – 15th March 2019

1st March

Authenticity Kick Starter Course

Day 10, Part 1 > Fear is holding me back. The fear of failure. The fear I’m going to start something again and I hate it. Fear that I’m doing something just because and not know what I truly want or doing the right thing.

Next week, my partner and I are going to Rome, we’re going through a rocky patch and there are some difficult conversations that need to be had. During this holiday I feel I should use the time to try to establish a re-connection and have some, if not all, the difficult conversations.

My achievement today: Completed all of my mileage evidence from my previous job.

2nd March

My authenticity kick starter course; I’ve decided to put on hold until I get back from Rome. Early in the morning, I’ll be getting on a plane with my fiance. I’m not 100% I want to marry anymore. How did I get here? How did I get to the point in feeling different about our relationship?

Maybe our holiday away will give some answers. I can’t even say when my feelings changed or whether my heart or mind is taking the lead. Sometimes I feel I’m miles ahead and my partner is at a standstill. Are we just growing out of or from each other? I don’t know what to say, do or how to act around him.

Being apart for the few days the past couple of weeks, I haven’t really missed him probably like I should. I’ve thought about him at times but not missed him. Am I scared of being alone? Is this all I’m good for?

3rd March

Rome Day 1

4th March

Rome Day 2

5th March

Rome Day 3

6th March

Rome Day 4

7th March

I didn’t sleep well last night. I feel like I’m coming down with a cold. My body, throat and head were aching and I felt sick. Even with not feeling well, I woke better than when I went to bed.

It was time to say goodbye to Rome. The scary shuttle car ride back to the airport allowed us to see some of the sights again. I’m just glad I didn’t have to drive while in Rome. I didn’t feel comfortable as a passenger. However, we got to the airport in one piece. The plane journey back my body ached in parts.

Once we landed it was just to find the car and then I could drive home and go to bed. Unfortunately, that wasn’t meant to be. My car wouldn’t unlock, once I did get in with the lock and key my car wouldn’t start. In my 10 years of driving, I’ve never had to call a breakdown company, until today. I pretty much guessed right that it was a dead battery. I would have cried to the point that I nearly did. But that wasn’t gonna achieve anything.

After an hour of waiting, it was confirmed my battery was dead. The repair guy; John was able to get it started again but I was still none the wiser as to why. Until possibly 10 minutes later I noticed my light above was on constant, not just for when the door opens. That’ll do it.

We got home in the end, me desperate for a wee. My aches and pains still happening; a cold for definite. This evening I’ve had scenes out of films come into my head. One I believe I’ve found to be Arctic Blast but the other is too generic for me to pinpoint the film.

I’m back home in my bed. I enjoyed my holiday but I’m glad to be back.

8th March

Watched: A Monster Calls > 3.5 out of 5

Authenticity Circle – Stratejoy

Intention: Allowing myself to be authentic in my life with myself and others. Find a route to help me to be so. Answer the questions honestly to figure out things going through my head.

Reaction: Fear and expectations stopping. Heavy heart. Is my truth really my truth? Seeing cracks in my life. Letting authenticity bubble to the surface. I can’t please everyone. I need to please myself. Strength measured by picking my heart off the floor and being me. Trust in my own strength.

Authenticity is something to be proud of, to love. Other people cannot judge your authenticity; it’s you. They’ll love you for you. You know in your heart what you want and the life you want to live so do it! Stop letting fear and other peoples expectations stop you. Stop me.

I need to figure out who I am, what brings me joy, turns me on, what my yeses and nos’ are. Then how I want to show who I am, where and with whom. I want to show up. I don’t feel I’m connect with my authentic self right now. I don’t know where I lost it. But I do know I want it back. How to figure out who I am is something that scares me but a journey I want to take.

History: I can’t pinpoint when I’ve felt like I’ve been myself. I feel I’ve been myself but others have judged and shot me down. I’ve stopped being myself, being the way they want me to be. Being reserved. I’ve felt disconnected a few times, mainly when my mental health has been bad. Right now, I feel dis-interested with most things in my life. I don’t know where to go, or what to do with anything.

I feel it’s safe to be myself in certain areas of my life, with certain people in my life. I guess it’s the fear of judgement stopping me and what others are expecting from me. If I can be myself to certain people I should be able to be myself with all. I guess being authentic is currently out of my comfort zone.

9th March

Watched: Bait > 2 out of 5

I’m feeling dis-interested about most of the things in my life. Dave is a big part of that disinterest. I’m sure I could do or say something that could change it but right now going through a cold I don’t want to be doing much. I pretty much have watched telly the past 2 days. I did go do some shopping this morning and had my hair done. But with the wet, cold, windy weather it didn’t make me feel better.

10th March

I’ve felt shocking and lack of energy today. I felt better as the day went on and was able to eat something. I told Dave about me wanting to cancel the wedding and having no desire for sex until my feelings change for me. I got an OK in reply.

11th March

Watched: Escape Plan > 2.5 out of 5
Father of the Year > 2 out of 5
Velvet Buzzsaw > 1 out of 5

I had a better nights sleep. Which I hope continues tonight. I got up and went to my volunteer place. Pushing the wheelbarrow in the mud and still recovering from my cold was interesting. In the end, one of the owners said I looked like I needed a hug. I basically came home and watched films all day with Dave. I’ve no motivation for anything and Dave is letting me just watch films. I did do some washing I suppose.

But I need to get myself out of my funk. Tomorrow is no telly day so I can’t turn on the telly, much to my current dismay. I’ve plenty of things I could be doing. I could also try living the life I claim I want. At this rate, I’m gonna be a telly addict that dies alone in front of the telly.

With the wedding officially cancelled there are some things that need to be sorted out there too. Do I have commitment problems? Or do I just not wanna commit to Dave? All these things and more I need to figure out but I keep procrastinating.

12th March

Finished: The Gifts of Imperfections by Brene Brown

Authenticity Kick Starter Course

Day six, Part 1 Continued: I did get my nails done that weekend 🙂 I had my hair done this weekend too. I think it will be harder for me this next weekend as I’m working nights. Sleep during the day is important but I feel I need to do something else for myself too.

Day nine, Part 1 Continued: With my relationship, I feel I have lost connection I had between us that was once there. That something needs to change with the both of us and the connection to come back for there to be a future that would be great. Two months ago I told my partner about the loss of connection and lack of support I felt. Since then I haven’t felt any change other then the anger has gone. With the anger gone, I still not feeling any connections and changes yet that is helping me to see much more of a future going forward.

Day nine, Part 2 Continued: That’s a very good question, I have no idea what I would be doing if I was in my Zone of Genius.

Day ten, Part 1 Continued: Failure is something I have been telling myself that shouldn’t happen. Failure is something that I’m not allowed to do or others to see me do. I guess what worries me about failure is that the hurt and embarrassment that comes with it. That I don’t take risks because this is something that could happen and it’s not something I want to happen. I stay mostly where it is safe and it isn’t doing me any favours. I want to have a love and the support without having to push or ask for it all of the time. I want natural flow in a relationship. One where I don’t have to make all of the decisions or plan our road for our future. Right now brave communication would be sitting down and having it without feeling sick or anxiety rising up in me.

13th March

I’m definitely retreating back into myself and using watching telly to escape daily matters as well as the communications I need to have. Thus isn’t helping my feelings of disconnection and loneliness. I need to sort myself out and get my act into gear into knowing what I want.

The past couple of days I’ve had the idea of adding an extra day to my no telly Tuesdays. I have four days off a week. I can’t be spending 3/4 of them in front of the telly. I’m not gonna be able to life my life that way. I’ve decided to include Thursday to make it no telly Tuesday and Thursday.

I wanna get myself and my act into gear and sitting in front of the telly isn’t gonna help. Especially if I wanna figure out my feelings towards Dave and I. I can’t feel them if I don’t get myself involved with my feelings.

14th March

A friend of mine got me a ‘Take a Minute’ journal for my last birthday. I’ve used it to reflect 6 times. 3 fully and 3 I started but never completed. Since I haven’t done much else in it. Today I got it out and did a appreciate page.

Today I’ve appreciated having a me day. Dave and I did a couple jobs first thing this morning and walked the dogs. Since then, around 11am, I’ve done what I’ve wanted to do as the day has gone on. I even got a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle out and spent a couple hours doing it while listening to music.

I forgot how much I missed this. It’s been pretty much a year since I last did that and that was when I lived in the old place before moving in with Dave. It’s definitely something I wanna continue doing more of. Plus using the ‘Take a Minute’ journal too. Especially the connection and smile sections.

journal entries, Life, Personal Development

Journal Entries: 16th – 28th Feb

16th Feb

Watched: The Bucket List > 3 out of 5

I’ve mentioned to Dave that I’m unhappy and that the stress of my feelings of our relationship is getting to me. It’s affecting my mental health. I’m not my funny self. Even my parents have mentioned I’m not. I’m trying to break through. He says things will get better with time. But I’m not seeing any actions.

17th Feb

Abundance Circle Part 2

What is my history with money? What did my family upbringing pass onto me?

My mum didn’t say no much to the things I wanted when I was little. Her relationship with money got her into debt. It taught me where the money came from as I had to start working for it once I was 15. Then I realised it wasn’t an abundant thing. It needs to be earnt. There were times where I had spending sprees but now I know monies value to help me live the life I want. That I don’t have to spend it to be happy but it allows me to live and enjoy things in life if I treat money with respect.

What is my current relationship with money? What is the story I tell myself?

I work hard for what I get. I need money to live and to enjoy aspects of my life. I cannot just throw it away. I concentrate on spending it wisely on what I need then save up for what I want. My relationship with money is getting healthier.

Money Triggers

  1. We have our own bank account and then a joint account. I’m unsure he is able to afford all we need
  2. Materialistic is not what I want
  3. I have my pension fund through my wage. Need to save for retirement; extra money saved by myself?
  4. Him just spending money like it’s growing on trees

18th Feb

Finished Reading: Boundaries > How to Draw the line in your head, heart and home by Jennie Miller and Victoria Lambert

Watched: Jaws > 2 out of 5

My day didn’t start out the best. I ended up reversing into my mums’ car. Her’s has a scratch, where mine has a big dent in the bumper. I was able to take time away from waiting for the kitchen delivery to go get a quote. I was happy with the price, so it is booked in for 2 days from now.

We had to wait all day at the house for 2 separate deliveries to come. We were able to get the 2nd bedroom painting completed and the fixing of the plaster in the hallway completed. We were able to start sanding down. I think a couple more hours on it and it’ll be complete too.

My aim for tonight is to stay up a little bit longer than I usually do. In 3 nights time, I start my first set of night shifts. So this will be a test for me.

19th Feb

Finished Reading: Becoming the Supervet: Listening to the Animals by Noel Fitzpatrick

Dave brought up my grumpiness to him today. It’s taken the month for him to speak up. He said other things are gonna change too. We’ll have to see if I fall in love with him again.

I’ve had a good day for me. I had a ‘me’ day. I finished Noel’s book; I’m afraid it took me 4 months and 2 books in between to read it. It had some lovely moments and I ended up putting a donation to his charity. I also danced to music too and let my body move how it wanted. I think it’s a way of inhabiting my body I wanna do more often.

20th Feb

Watched: The Secret > 4 out of 5

Authencity Kick Starter Course

Day one, Part one > I want to live a simply authentic life. One where I can be myself with anyone I meet or interact with. I want to improve my relationship/communications with my work colleagues and patients. I want to improve my relationship with my partner. I want to improve my relationship with myself.

Day one, Part two > I find it easier being authentic and vulnerable in my parental home but if I leave the house I would be less me. Anxiety and depression have been my roadblocks in life. I have in the recent year been able to open up to others but I’m not able to be me with people I meet in person. I find it easier to write down what I feel or do thanks to the journalling/blogging I do but I still have feelings of being lonely without the community and authentic feel of being togetherness. There are times I start to do so but then clam up and retreat back into myself.

My Achievement: Finished BSL Video Series posts on the blog. They are all now scheduled.  All I need to do is go back to add links to connect them all when they’ve gone live.

21st Feb

Authencity Kick Starter Course

Day one, Part one Continued: If I reached these goals, I would feel I’m being true to myself, living and communicating how I want to be doing and everyone around me will get the true me as well. I feel that the anxiety would reduce or in fact go completely. For those looking in on my life, I would like to think that they would see the real me and want to be a part of my life, with me feeling like I’m not pushing them away or my anxiety and depression affecting their lives negatively.

Day one, Part two Continued: I think it is that I feel I will say the wrong thing or that their judgement on me will cause me to go back with my anxiety and depression. That the person they perceive me to be isn’t the person I actually am when I open up. Feat of losing people and being alone.

Day two, Part one > Authentic relation to me means being yourself, showing up and being vulnerable to everyone you meet. Doing the things in life that you want to, when you want to, with those you love. Owning up to when your wrong and doing what can be done to help yourself and others.

I feel that I have this type of relationship with my step-dad and I am getting there with my mum. I am somewhat there with my partner. Yes, I would like to be more real in all my relationships; my partner, friends and family, colleagues and patients, strangers. I feel that my fear of what others are going to judge about me and ultimately being alone in life. I also have the fear that I don’t truly know who I am, myself.

Day two, Part two > 0 = non-existent and 10 = utterly fantastic

Integrity: (I always show up for myself without ever hiding or elaborating who I am. What you see on the outside is a true reflection of what is going on, on my inside. I am comfortable in my own skin) = 4

Depth of connection: (I have several strong friendships and’or relationship where I feel totally known and I feel I truly know them) = 3

Impact: ( I know that I make a positive impact and what I do matters. There are people better off because of me) =

Resolving conflict: (I am able to tell people when I am hurt, angry or upset with them. When I experience conflict with people I always deal with it in a healthy direct and effective way) = 4

Trust: (There are people in my life that I feel that I can trust and open up to. I am a trustworthy person and I create a safe environment for others to open up to me) = 5

Communication: (I am able to express my feelings in a constructive way and am happy talking about my strengths and failures, I am also good at listening effectively to other people) = 2

Presence: (I am able to focus on the person in front of me. I do not spend time in my head thinking about other things when I am with some. I spend more time engaged in the present then thinking about the past and/or future) = 2

Priorities: ( I am happy with the balance I have in my life. I am able to focus on what is important. I am content with the time and attention I give the closest relationships in my life) = 4


If the circle represents how authentic I am  – How am I doing? > rubbish. There are more blank areas then coloured. Disheartening to look at.

What areas am I doing well in? > trust is my highest. I am more trustworthy then I used to be but can do a lot better. I have 4 areas of 4; they are ones I’ve spent mostly working on the last year.

I would like to improve all but communication and presence are big ones which I think will help me improve the rest naturally.

Three things that I would most like to change about my relationships are:

  1. Deal with conflict in a healthy, direct and effective way
  2. Be happy to talk about my strengths and failures
  3. Be present in my head and when with a person

22nd Feb

Authencity Kick Starter Course

Day three, Part one > 5 most important things or relationships in my life?

  1. Mum and step-dad
  2. Pups
  3. Dad and step-mum
  4. Grandparents
  5. Dave
  6. B
  7. V
  8. E
  9. House

How much I give each one of these each week?

  1. I say hi and have a quick catch up each day/week
  2. I give them a cuddle/attention each day. I walk them every so often
  3. I speak to them every so often
  4. I speak/see them every so often
  5. I speak daily. My attention no so much
  6. Speak weekly
  7. Speak weekly
  8. Speak or write every so often
  9. I go at least 1 day a week

Do I feel if that’s enough?

  1. NO, need at least an evening or day with them
  2. Need to walk more often
  3. Should speak weekly, then see at least monthly
  4. Should go at least once a week when I’m not asked
  5. We’re going through a rocky patch. Our relationship/connection needs strengthening
  6. ,7,8. Yes but should see more often
    9. Nope, needs more of my time right now

What could I do to change to make sure I’m investing in these priorities? What pebbles or piles of sand could I shift to make more room in my schedule? > Saying no more often to take up the none important things. Schedule a time to call or see these people each week and stick to it on my end. Delegate daily tasks to my partner.

Day three, Part two > I am someone who finds it difficult to say no. I have always been a people pleaser. I fear that someone is going to judge or reject me if I say no to them or an element in my life.

23rd Feb

Authencity Kick Starter Course

Day one, Part one Continued: I guess there would be less anxiety in me and I would be able to have a sense of freedom in myself.

Day three, Part one Continued: Week I could say no ?

Day three, Part two Continued: I think at first it might be a challenge to pause to think of what I really want from the commitment. Even pausing when I already know it’s a yes to get used to it. There are times I’m disheartened when someone says no but I don’t think anything less of them if they’ve something else happening or don’t want to do what I’ve asked.

Day four, Part one > I am demonstrating the following most likely to create an environment of trust: Concern for others and being truthful about what’s on my mind.

I need to develop: Stimulating discussion and being curious. Painting a picture of mutual success. Being open to difficult conversations.

I need to rid the following: Focus on convincing others. Pretending to listen. Allowing emotions to distract from my listening.

I am good at exhibiting concern for others as I feel it’s a natural part of me from the people pleasing and my job revolves around being concerned for others. Being truthful about what’s on my mind is better than when I was growing up. I’ve been more open with others in the past year or so. I am better at opening up with those closest to me; parents and partner. I need to work on the other positive ones as connection and difficult conversations are hardest for me. I am getting there slowly with it but not comfortable being vulnerable in that part of me yet.

Day four, Part 2 > I have sent the feedback questions to D, G, V and Dave. My step-dad and mum. I even posted it on my blog; which is out of my comfort zone as it is inviting people to comment about what I write.

24th Feb

Authencity Kick Starter Course

Day three, Part one Continued: I am going to say no to courses that I am asked to go onto or am interested in as I still haven’t completed others I have started.

Day four, Part one Continued: I could ask someone who I know has had an event recently, to see how it went.

Day five, Part one > 

  1. Surface level: Colleagues and patients and strangers. Colleagues because I’ve started a new job.
  2. Some colleagues
  3. Blog, friends of friends and family I don’t see often
  4. Close friends and family, Dave
  5. Step-dad, B, Both D’s, mum to some degree, G, V, E

Which level do I prefer talking at? > I think with most I am at sharing opinions level. But I’d like to be sharing deeply with each other to most. If not all in my life. I feel I’m at level 3 in my conversations because of the fear of them judging and knowing what to say and at the right time.

When do I find it appropriate to share at a level 5? When isn’t it? > I feel it’s appropriate when I’m with someone I feel I can trust in a place I feel comfortable in. I don’t feel it’s right saying some level 5 in public or at work.

I would say I don’t share at a level 5 very often. Maybe once a week to a very close family or friend and/or partner. I could start by telling someone I am feeling that they don’t know about it; for example how I feel about my relationship.

Day five, Part 2 > I struggle with saying what I mean. I feel that hurting the other person holds me back, or saying what I mean but it’s not being understood. If I could overcome this I feel I would open up more to others. I try my very best to not to say untrue things but times when I feel I can’t pause to think of an answer I come out with the first thing that comes out of my head. I guess this is also unedited. I try not to sound unkind but I do come out with what I mean in a way that comes across as unkind. When I try to explain something it isn’t always clear to make it helpful. I think in a rush so I just come out with what comes in my head. I feel if I pause before I said things and really thought about it I would be saying what I mean naturally every day.

25th Feb

Authencity Kick Starter Course

Day four, Part one Continued: Follow up questions are something I need to work on. I ask one thing and a person replies then I get stuck again on what to say and the conversation goes out.

Day six, Part 1 > 

Congruence = Agreement or harmony; compatibility

My backstage is bigger. I have been very good at keeping myself to myself and not letting other people in; including my family. I have been able to let people in, in recent years and I’m going to continue to do so. I want to reveal more of myself into my front stage. Those who matter will still want to know me. Even though I spend time backstage, keeping things to myself, I’m not good at self-care. I am slowly doing this in parts but it needs to be integrated into my life.

Day six, Part 2 > I thought the scale exercise was good to do. For my opinions, there was mainly a wide column down the middle. When I did the m2 part, I found I gave myself better thoughts for them all. Looking at that, I saw that I’m harder on myself then I feel others give to me. I gave the task to my partner and my step-dad to get their first-hand thoughts on where I was on the scale. Both my partner and step-dad were at one side or the other apart from a couple that was in the middle.

26th Feb

Authencity Kick Starter Course

Day seven, Part two > Difficult conversations tended to be those I avoided. I retreated into myself as I didn’t want any confrontation, fearful and clam up. I am still but I’ve been having them. I start shaking and get teary once they’ve been had. If the person has got a bit moody or at work, aggressive; I suppose I’m still learning how to have difficult conversations. I get to the point of clamming up and the conversation gets to a standstill.

I’d like to feel like I can handle any situation of confrontations and difficult conversations. Putting myself out there and having small conversations first before building up to a big one could help me or writing it down. At work where confrontational conversations are a big chance, I could ask if there is a way to be present at some planned conversations to help me understand ways of de-escalating the conflict. Also, I could see if there is any training to help.

27th Feb

Authencity Kick Starter Course

Day six, Part one Continued: Self-care would look like for me; reading a book, going for a massage, getting my hair and nails done, spending time reflecting and journaling, going for a walk with the dogs.

Day eight, Part two > Be Curious with others.

Today, I am going to sit with my dad for a few hours, then having tea at B house. I’ll practice being curious with them.

28th Feb

Authencity Kick Starter Course

Day nine, Part one > “Tami has touched the lives of so many. The differences ranged from small to massive. She took time out of her life to make a difference to people and animals alike. When she wasn’t helping others she was seeing the world, having new experiences. Being the person she wanted to be, living her dreams while helping others live theirs.”

The life I live now; my job works in helping others with mental health but there are times I don’t feel that parts of the job fulfil me and making a difference, although it is a step in the right direction, which I need to learn what I can before I figure out my next step. In life, right now, I’m now happy in my relationship, which isn’t helping me be the happy person I am while living my dreams. I’m still figuring out what experiences and travels I want out of life. Plus the way to become happier in my relationship.

Day nine, Part two > I suppose as I’m only new to my current job that I’m in the zone of competence. I’m learning throughout how to do a great job here to get into the zone of excellence. With my volunteering, having been doing it for many years I would say I’m in the zone of excellence. I love it there but I feel there is more I could do. I feel in my everyday life I’m in the zone of excellence but for some things like the house, which is a new project I’m in the zone of competence. I think the impact of these on me is that I never quite feel a sense of fulfilment. There’s always something getting in the way. That I get doubts or run away from things before I get to a zone of genius making myself to re-start from the beginning. For those around me, it impacts them as they never know what I’m thinking or going to do next, as I keep changing gears. That some are always concerned about my own mental health.


A New Job Chapter Ahead

Tomorrow I have my last call in my community care worker position. Just having one call, makes today feel like it’s my last day. I am over the moon. It’s just over 2 years I’ve been in this job. It’s had its good times but the frustrations of it caused them to be over shadowed.

In 11 days time I’ll start my new adventure. My aim for the break in between is to get shit done and rest some.

Life, Writing

What’s your body love truth?

I was bullied when at school for my weight. I’m naturally thin. I can eat anything and no put weight on. The women in my family seem to have the same thing. Clearly, it’s in the genes. When at a certain age, the weight starts to pile on.

Growing up I was shy and didn’t have confidence in new surroundings. Even when I got used to people and gained friends I still wasn’t my full self. I felt I had to lie about things so that I would be liked. Whether I lied or told the truth I felt like I couldn’t win and struggled to stay friends with others. Falling in and out with those around me on a regular basis.

One of the things that got me down the most was “friends” kept calling me anorexic. I was thin, yes, but I was never anorexic. I feel this didn’t help me love my body or have the best relationship with food.

I was a picky eater. My dad never knew what to feed me when I went to visit. Pizza Hut was the place to go. I love pizza to this day. I wasn’t very helpful in saying food choices to eat. I just rather have stayed quiet. I would eat in front of others, but when I was home I went through stages of not eating much or comfort eating loads. I still have spells of comfort eating now, just not to that extreme.

No matter how much or little I ate my weight never changed. The only time I thought, “Yes, I’m putting on weight” then felt depleted again once I connected it to my period each month.

I saw a dietician while at college. Even with her pointers, nothing changed. My relationship with food is better now, I even try to eat healthier and have a more varied diet.

I have never “dieted”. I feel if I started I would cause more harm to my body the good. I love my body now more then I did at school but I’m not 100% with it.

When it comes to exercise, I did dancing, gymnastics and the PE we had to do while at school. But since leaving exercise and my body/mind have not been friends. I go through phases where an exercise is something I do. But times I’ve stopped because I connect it with my weight or how thin I looked.

Other times I’ve done it and thought I’m not strong enough physically to do what I was doing in order to carry on. So why bother? Not thinking to build up my strength having an exercise routine could help. I’ve seen physiotherapists about different parts of my body. They’ve told me I’ve a muscle imbalance. I’m weak in my muscles and exercise is something to help strengthen them.

Plus it’ll be good for having a healthy body and mind. Seeing that my mental health has highs and lows this would have been motivation. But no. I think my mindset relationship with my body needs to get into a level of agreement in order to help my body love to grow.

I like what AZ said in a Holiday Council post about her joy of exercise:

I call it joyful movement because I do indeed find it joyful and feel so much better when I do it – not to try to lose weight or anything but because I know how good I feel

I like that because she’s found a way to put it so it sounds joyful as well as doing whats joyful to her.

In 2018 I set a personal ground rule to do a daily movement. This isn’t something I’ve done on a daily basis. I’ve gone about my daily needs but not mindfully set time or thought ‘let’s go for a walk’ etc. I’m also one to start something and give up or even just forget about it.

To allow myself to find pleasure in loving my body, I feel this would need to change. Right now, I don’t have an answer to how things could change. I believe reflecting on how I’ve felt/been in the past could help me to get better for the future in learning to inhabit my body.

I want to focus on feeling good. Not force myself and my body to do things we’re not ready for.

Could that be my body love mantra?

Life, Writing

My Impostor Complex

Everyone has a different perception of what mess is. When you feel messy, no one else knows now messy but you. We think other people are judging us for how messy we are. No one is. They’re thinking the same. I’ve been told this an impostor syndrome/complex.

That internalisation and discounts in excellence is the complex at work. The opposite is unshakable confidence. Well, I certainly don’t have that. If my understanding of the impostor complex is correct, I have it. I may not show behaviours all the time but I go through stages where this would be the case.

These internalised failures and discounted of excellence need to be confronted. Confront the lies, I believe and actions/behaviours I do. Thinking about what I am deeply capable of which, will be more then I realise. When we’re surrounded by those we trust, ask for their help; be together. Those around me want me to succeed. I need to let them. Accepting their help, won’t kill me.

The confidence comes from alignment. But do I have alignment in all I do? Is there gonna be work that’ll bring out the impostor complex? Most likely. But will it give me joy, gratefulness, gratitude or a sense of connection leading to alignment? If so then I want to be doing it, no matter what.

I won’t be alone. There are people around me going through the same. I need to decide to strive. Stop letter the impostor complex have the upper hand. Put the work in by doing the work that I love; that aligns with my truth. I need to allow myself to choose what I want to do with what’s in front of me. I may choose to go back, to stay or to quit. Whichever decision I make is okay.

I need to celebrate where I am and want more for myself. Stop apologising and comparing to others.

Watched: The Shanghai Job > 1.5 out of 5