Goals, Life

‘Body Love is a Choice’

Self-love, body love, is a choice. It’s my journey to move forward. I’ve made the conscious decision to start searching for the love for myself and not hate. Healing between myself and my inner critic has begun. There is space being freed up so I can truly listen to myself and what I want.

Practicing gratitude is a way to help me do this. To help reduce the negative emotions, the resentment, frustration and anxiety in me.

Today I am thankful to my family around me for the holidays, to be able to spend the time with each in turn.


Watched: Blockers > 3.5 out of 5

Braven > 2.5 out of 5

Goals, Life, Mental Health

Developing Meditation Practice

I’ve had the goal of developing a meditation practice on my goal list for a while. Everywhere I look to do with mindfulness, meditation is one of the answers. Which is why I put the goal in my list in the first place.

I’m a person very much in my head. Quick to do things and eating especially. Hence, why I thought meditation should be one of the things I try. I have given it a go every so often. I struggle to sit still to listen or have my mind wonder so much I’m more frustrated more then when I started.

While looking into inhabiting my body, meditation comes up here too; to help with body love, in order to help answer and how to find your true self.

I’ve read that meditation is proven to increase positive emotions and decrease depression, anxiety and stress, among other things. It all sounds amazing for me. It’s getting into the habit, so that what has happened before doesn’t happen again. Clearly, I haven’t found the right way for me as yet. I think I’ll try new ones for a set amount of days then see how I feel about them. Surely there’s a tight one out there for me somewhere. Right?

Goals, Life

What do you value in yourself?

When I think of an answer to the question “What do I value in myself?” I think of traits I have; like being organised. Wow, it’s really hard. Saying nice things about myself shouldn’t be hard. My mind goes blank. I guess my negative beliefs. Have taken over that much I can’t even think of good things about myself.

If I’m to love my body, I also need to love the person I am. Thinking more positive about myself. I treated myself today and got my nails done. Glitter and snow flakes ready for Christmas. That is one thing I love. Having my nails all painted up. I’ve one thing I love about my body now. I’ll have to learn to find other lobes about my body.

Body love is a big thing that can change the way I see myself. I believe it’ll help me with my goal of learning to inhabit my body. I take a pleasure in having my nails done. I want to have the sense of pleasure more often. This is a type of sensual pleasure. Pleasure being one of my ways of being.

I’d like to learn the sensual pleasures not just having enjoyment in the bedroom. Having my nails done is one sensual pleasure I’d like to carry on.

This led me to looking into other ways of inhabiting my body. I found a post that gave ways of getting in touch with your body. I’ve decided to try each on this list throughout 2019. Plus any more I find during my research, to see if any are a pleasure for me or teach me something about myself.

Some of these items scare me and some I judged when I read them. Then I felt guilty for judging. One thing occured to me when I read the post was do I know the true meaning of inhabiting my body?

So, naturally, I googled it. It brought me to this meaning:

Breathing through the emotional pain of our human experience is an initiation that makes more room for our soul to inhabit out body – Intuitive Creativity

Get out of my head and feel my emotions is what I took from that. I found others tell their honest thoughts on their body loves.

It’s great to see others out there telling their stories. I hope to continue to share mine along the way. I know I need to take things slow.


Watched: About a Boy > 3.5 out of 5

Bad Teacher > 3 out of 5

Life, Writing

Are you comfortable in where you live?

Whether from being bullied about my body weight or the depression and anxiety, I’ve had negative thoughts about how I see myself and my body.

“I’m not good enough” “I’m not fat enough” “My nose, hair, stomach, thighs, bum isn’t right. They need changing”

Some people go to different extremes in order to get their body right for them. Sometimes it does help and that change allows them to be themselves for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, the changes have also caused more problems then good. Effecting their lives and body love for the rest of their lives. It can affect a person’s mental health significantly too.

Having a health relationship with one’s body isn’t always easy. If it was we’d all love our body the way they are. A health relationship is what I ultimately want. I want to do it in the healthiest way I can for me. How I’m gonna do that, I haven’t figured that part out yet. But I know I don’t want extreme actions.

My negative mindset on my body isn’t as bad as it used to be but it still creams in. Doubting myself and my appearance. It affects my confidence and happiness. I want this confidence and happiness back. I want that dress I love but thought I couldn’t pull it off. That hairstyle it took me 3 years to achieve due to believing I couldn’t do it.

My inner critic is always alert when my body is involved. I need to teach my inner critic that I’m in control. Maybe the inner critic stemed front those who bullied me at school? I’ve always been saddened and held myself back from the bullies. They aren’t in my life anymore. I was very good at running away, well, moving is the word.

I may have spent 17 years in that one place but I never felt entirely comfortable being there. Never felt like home. Where I am now I do. Being comfortable in my surroundings helped me be comfortable in myself. Is it bad I had to move away from where I grew up to feel comfortable in where I am? Like we can have negative people around us, does that me there can be negative places or is it just how our perception has been created caused by the negative people?

Life, Writing

What’s your body love truth?

I was bullied when at school for my weight. I’m naturally thin. I can eat anything and no put weight on. The women in my family seem to have the same thing. Clearly, it’s in the genes. When at a certain age, the weight starts to pile on.

Growing up I was shy and didn’t have confidence in new surroundings. Even when I got used to people and gained friends I still wasn’t my full self. I felt I had to lie about things so that I would be liked. Whether I lied or told the truth I felt like I couldn’t win and struggled to stay friends with others. Falling in and out with those around me on a regular basis.

One of the things that got me down the most was “friends” kept calling me anorexic. I was thin, yes, but I was never anorexic. I feel this didn’t help me love my body or have the best relationship with food.

I was a picky eater. My dad never knew what to feed me when I went to visit. Pizza Hut was the place to go. I love pizza to this day. I wasn’t very helpful in saying food choices to eat. I just rather have stayed quiet. I would eat in front of others, but when I was home I went through stages of not eating much or comfort eating loads. I still have spells of comfort eating now, just not to that extreme.

No matter how much or little I ate my weight never changed. The only time I thought, “Yes, I’m putting on weight” then felt depleted again once I connected it to my period each month.

I saw a dietician while at college. Even with her pointers, nothing changed. My relationship with food is better now, I even try to eat healthier and have a more varied diet.

I have never “dieted”. I feel if I started I would cause more harm to my body the good. I love my body now more then I did at school but I’m not 100% with it.

When it comes to exercise, I did dancing, gymnastics and the PE we had to do while at school. But since leaving exercise and my body/mind have not been friends. I go through phases where an exercise is something I do. But times I’ve stopped because I connect it with my weight or how thin I looked.

Other times I’ve done it and thought I’m not strong enough physically to do what I was doing in order to carry on. So why bother? Not thinking to build up my strength having an exercise routine could help. I’ve seen physiotherapists about different parts of my body. They’ve told me I’ve a muscle imbalance. I’m weak in my muscles and exercise is something to help strengthen them.

Plus it’ll be good for having a healthy body and mind. Seeing that my mental health has highs and lows this would have been motivation. But no. I think my mindset relationship with my body needs to get into a level of agreement in order to help my body love to grow.

I like what AZ said in a Holiday Council post about her joy of exercise:

I call it joyful movement because I do indeed find it joyful and feel so much better when I do it – not to try to lose weight or anything but because I know how good I feel

I like that because she’s found a way to put it so it sounds joyful as well as doing whats joyful to her.

In 2018 I set a personal ground rule to do a daily movement. This isn’t something I’ve done on a daily basis. I’ve gone about my daily needs but not mindfully set time or thought ‘let’s go for a walk’ etc. I’m also one to start something and give up or even just forget about it.

To allow myself to find pleasure in loving my body, I feel this would need to change. Right now, I don’t have an answer to how things could change. I believe reflecting on how I’ve felt/been in the past could help me to get better for the future in learning to inhabit my body.

I want to focus on feeling good. Not force myself and my body to do things we’re not ready for.

Could that be my body love mantra?

Life, Writing

Fierce Self-Love: Part 3

I believe that by truly loving myself, it’ll cause me less mental health troubles. I would be loving myself for who I am. Not worrying about others and what they think. Stepping myself back through their judgements and my mind reading them.

I would love my body. Wearing what I want to wear and what I’m confident in regardless of what others think. I would do the things that I love and want to do regardless of my surroundings, money and again other peoples opinions.

Other peoples opinions and please pleasing has been a theme for me. It has improved a lot. I’m taking steps towards doing what I want to do and living the life I want.

The hard things for me are to get the balance and at times saying no. It becomes harder when I say no and need to have an excuse for people as to why I’ve said no. It isn’t the right, acceptable answer for them.

This is something I need to continue to work on. Getting to the point where I love myself unconditionally and apply self-love without it being a second thought is where I’d love to be.


Today’s reflection:

dav

Life, Mental Health, Writing

Fierce Self-Love: Part 2

To be able to love my body completely, I need to learn to love myself fully. To do this I need to know what I love about myself. I’ve grown up very much a people pleaser. Forgoing my own self-love majority of the time.

Up until my mental health decline, I never even thought about self-love as a thing that needed to happen. Now that I know otherwise and I’m less of a people pleaser; I’m now not doing everything for others above myself.

I now realise I’ve got to look after myself and my needs, in order to help others. Even with this realisation, I don’t or haven’t looked within myself of the things I love about myself.

Having a pause to think about this;

I do love that I have the capacity to help others.

I love the motivation to better my mental health.

I love that I’m determined to make something of my life, to find my purpose.

I love the kind heart, the logical and creativity of my brain.