Life, Writing

‘Puts me in a depressive mood’

I had a different day to yesterday, where I was more productive and then watched telly. I was more relaxed and when with the flow. I read quite a bit and ended up finishing my book. I did some job hunting, which always puts me in a depressive mood. I keep going to a dog rescue advert.

Do I want to get back to helping animals full time?

After the vets; its a lot emotionally.

This evening we had drinks and gave a tour with a mate who was with a mate we are unsure about. A story I’ve talked about before but don’t wanna be repeating. It wasn’t too bad. I’m sure I can be friends on a civil front. Not gonna be besties. We weren’t exactly that before anyways. It’s been 11 months since it all happened.

Its been a good day. Tomorrow is a new one.


Watched: The Thing (1982) > 2.5 out of 5

Finished Reading: The Silent Sisters by Jenny Tomlin and Kim Challinor

Life, Writing

Job Hunt Begins

I completed 3 applications and job profiles. One ended today and the others at the end of the week. The profile ones I believe I’m pushing my luck.

But if I don’t try I won’t know. There’s no harm in trying. It’s official. I’m looking for a new job. I’ll look at the end of the week for anything new. Maybe I’ll have more good news.

As it was bank holiday (at the time of writing) even with me working this morning, I was able to spend the day with all members of the household. That is unusual for us all to be at home at the same time. It was lovely to have the time.

Life, Writing

Where is life gonna take us over the next few months?

The car transfer happened. I now officially have a new car. Goodbye paw prints, you served me well.

Having this car allows me a few more years breathing room before I’ll need to get a new car. Which give us more time and money to concentrate on the house and wedding.

We are now at the end of another week off. I don’t feel the feeling of dread going back to work. I think I have a bit of a better mindset this time. We’ve now four-month until our next week off together.

Four-months to get a balance between work and life. I do hope at some point in the next coming months that I can start looking for another job. In the meantime, we need money, so I’m gonna need to get a few extra hours in. But at the same time not burn me out. Especially seeing as we need to do some major work on our house when we get the keys.

Busy few months ahead. Exciting times as well. I’m interested to see where life is gonna take us.

Anxiety, Career, Depression, Life, Mental Health, Writing

One of my Paths so Far

Next week will be my last therapy session. These 5 weeks have flown by. No doubt the next week will do the same. I’m glad I’ve attended the sessions. It’s given me the awareness that having a conversation does help.

Neither I or the counsellor went into the room with an agenda. Conversation flowed, obviously the topic was me.

In tonight’s session, we got onto me finding a sense of purpose and satisfaction in my job, the nature of my job anyway. That it’s my first time feeling like this is what I wanna do with my life. We spoke about why I didn’t feel this way about my other jobs or career routes.

Growing up, like any other kid I imagine has: I wanna be…. when I get older. I believe mine were: dancer or a vet. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I was good at ICT, so I went down that route. I got into my third month at university, I withdrew myself. I was bored.

I’ve always had a love for animals, so I started volunteering around paid work. After a while, I decided I’d like to work with animals. I applied for an Animal Management and Welfare degree. I got in.

Got working at kennels, volunteered when I could. Past first year. Did my placement year, all still while working. Around this time my mental health declined. The first time I was affected. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t understand myself. Saw doctors, had telephone counselling, getting towards my final year at university.

I was beginning to get excited again. I also was having this unsettling feeling I couldn’t explain. I just ignored it and carried on. At Christmas, in my final year, I withdrew myself. I left with a Higher Certificate of Education in the degree topic and experience, working with different kinds of animals.

I just wanted to work and get my mental health back. Still working at the kennels. Still had unsettled days. A point came where I believed I needed to take the next step in my career. I got a job within a veterinary practice as a Trainee Veterinary Nurse.

I was nervous. Always. I was terrified. I was emotional. I couldn’t stay in a couple of surgeries. I had to walk out, have a sit-down. Otherwise, they’d have to clean me off the floor too.

That unsettled feeling was telling me that this isn’t it. This isn’t what I should be doing. I felt a failure. I love animals. I wanna make a difference to them. A part of me felt that if I carried on I’d lose that love for them I’ve had my whole life.

I basically took the first thing I could find job wise and ran. Into pretty much a job that wasn’t a job.

It’s been a year and nearly a half since then. I’ve been beating myself up about it periodically since. Everyone plus myself knew the animal path was for me. That was where I was supposed to be.

I’m sure if I knew now, then, I wouldn’t have beaten myself up about it. I would have been able to tell my loved ones how I felt.

Talking about this in today’s session got me to realise I’m in the right place now. Helping people is what I wanna do. Make a difference to others. That doesn’t mean I’ve lost my love for animals. Far from it. I still love animals. I still volunteer at the same place I started out at after my first university withdrawal.

I get to help and be around animals on my terms.

Having this conversation has led me to the path of forgiving myself. That I didn’t run away at that point in my life. I just wasn’t on the right path.


Watched: Atlantis: The Lost Empire > 3 out of 5

Career, Learning, Life

NVQ Drawing to the End?

After 4 hours spend with my NVQ assessor, I’ve done 14% more with a total of 75% complete. 2 more set meetings, which she says I may finish in February rather then March/April time when I first asked if I could finish any earlier.

I’m so glad it’s been moved up a month. It’s given me that light at the end of the tunnel feeling. That early next year I can potentially look for another job and tick completion of my NVQ off my goal list.

Career, Learning, Life, Mental Health, Writing

Job Questioning

I’m not really sure what to do about my job. I know I don’t wanna do it or should I say I don’t wanna be doing it how the role I’m in does the job. To begin with, I liked the driving about, being in different places all the time. I think the novelty has worn off.

I like caring for the customers. Helping them where I can. But it’s the travelling about and the unsuitability of being in the community I’m struggling with.

Each week is different. But not good different. In the sense, I don’t know what my rota is gonna say. I may have regular customers but I don’t have a regular pattern to my rota. Or when I feel I have one. It changes again.

I need structure, routine. Be able to know when and where I need to be in advance. Being able to plan things help me.

To be able to have a full day where I’m not anxious to look at my phone just in case its work. I need to be honest but I don’t wanna lose my job.

Anyone been in a situation like this?

The thing that’s stopping me from just looking for another job is my NVQ. My employer paid for my course fees. If I leave before three months after its completion, I have to pay them back.

I don’t know the cost. I did ask at the end of my module hand in email the cost but not sure whether they’ll be able to tell me. I have a week until the remote call. See what happens next week on the job front.

Depression, Health, Life, Mental Health, Writing

Tiredness Taking Over

I woke feeling better today. Didn’t feel as tired. I haven’t really felt hungry but I have eaten three meals, so I can’t complain.

Helped out my step dad at times with fitting the new kitchen. Towards mid afternoon I started to feel tired. My eyes kept trying to close. I did stay awake. A part of me wished I hadn’t picked up four calls for this evening.

Now that I’ve done them, I don’t feel that way as such. I need the money but I think I should have given myself the full weekend off. On my next weekend off, I’m not going to pick up any calls.

I don’t feel as foggy to end the day but I don’t feel alive as I did this morning.