Life

My mind is on overdrive, wanting to get things organised. Not really the best before going to bed.

I found out where I’m gonna be based until April. This placement might also be permanent as the ward wants a full permanent position filled. I’m off for a chat with my current line manager to find out more in a few days.

The windows and doors are happening tomorrow, another task to be ticked off the list. We’re having a very good month on ticking things off for the house. Things seem to be coming together.


Watched: The Shinning > 2 out of 5

Career

‘No Uniform’

Usually when I get woken up before my alarm, especially by a couple hours, I get irritable. I can’t fall back asleep and I am in an annoyed state when it is time for me to get up.

I tried to be more accepting of waking up that couple hours earlier this morning. I took it as it came. I went to the loo, got back into bed, put my eye mask on and closed my eyes. I didn’t fall asleep, at least not straight away. I was calm and tried not to run my mind into a rant. Being this way I was better with my day ahead.

I felt calm, I was accepting of what came my way. Having my car serviced and an exit interview for my old job. The one I finished last week, so not so old. That was a first for me. I’ve never had an exit interview when I left any of my other previous jobs. That chapter is now officially completed.

I went out to dinner with my parents. My step dad took the strip light down in the cellar so I can pull the ceiling down tomorrow. I’ll hopefully finish the painting too. So two jobs will be signed off. This weekend more work at the house will be done. So maybe a few more jobs will be ticked off my board. I’ll have to see and give an update soon.

I learnt my for my new job I don’t have a uniform. I was surprised. You’d think for care I’d be in a uniform, but no, just a dress code. When I saw this I thought – ‘I need to go shopping!’ Suitable clothing isn’t something I have for work. I think not having a uniform will be out of my comfort zone. In that others judgement and me being comfortable in what I’m wearing. O, and I need a new pair of shoes too.

Life, Writing

‘Puts me in a depressive mood’

I had a different day to yesterday, where I was more productive and then watched telly. I was more relaxed and when with the flow. I read quite a bit and ended up finishing my book. I did some job hunting, which always puts me in a depressive mood. I keep going to a dog rescue advert.

Do I want to get back to helping animals full time?

After the vets; its a lot emotionally.

This evening we had drinks and gave a tour with a mate who was with a mate we are unsure about. A story I’ve talked about before but don’t wanna be repeating. It wasn’t too bad. I’m sure I can be friends on a civil front. Not gonna be besties. We weren’t exactly that before anyways. It’s been 11 months since it all happened.

Its been a good day. Tomorrow is a new one.


Watched: The Thing (1982) > 2.5 out of 5

Finished Reading: The Silent Sisters by Jenny Tomlin and Kim Challinor

Life, Writing

Job Hunt Begins

I completed 3 applications and job profiles. One ended today and the others at the end of the week. The profile ones I believe I’m pushing my luck.

But if I don’t try I won’t know. There’s no harm in trying. It’s official. I’m looking for a new job. I’ll look at the end of the week for anything new. Maybe I’ll have more good news.

As it was bank holiday (at the time of writing) even with me working this morning, I was able to spend the day with all members of the household. That is unusual for us all to be at home at the same time. It was lovely to have the time.

Life, Writing

Where is life gonna take us over the next few months?

The car transfer happened. I now officially have a new car. Goodbye paw prints, you served me well.

Having this car allows me a few more years breathing room before I’ll need to get a new car. Which give us more time and money to concentrate on the house and wedding.

We are now at the end of another week off. I don’t feel the feeling of dread going back to work. I think I have a bit of a better mindset this time. We’ve now four-month until our next week off together.

Four-months to get a balance between work and life. I do hope at some point in the next coming months that I can start looking for another job. In the meantime, we need money, so I’m gonna need to get a few extra hours in. But at the same time not burn me out. Especially seeing as we need to do some major work on our house when we get the keys.

Busy few months ahead. Exciting times as well. I’m interested to see where life is gonna take us.

Anxiety, Career, Depression, Life, Mental Health, Writing

One of my Paths so Far

Next week will be my last therapy session. These 5 weeks have flown by. No doubt the next week will do the same. I’m glad I’ve attended the sessions. It’s given me the awareness that having a conversation does help.

Neither I or the counsellor went into the room with an agenda. Conversation flowed, obviously the topic was me.

In tonight’s session, we got onto me finding a sense of purpose and satisfaction in my job, the nature of my job anyway. That it’s my first time feeling like this is what I wanna do with my life. We spoke about why I didn’t feel this way about my other jobs or career routes.

Growing up, like any other kid I imagine has: I wanna be…. when I get older. I believe mine were: dancer or a vet. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I was good at ICT, so I went down that route. I got into my third month at university, I withdrew myself. I was bored.

I’ve always had a love for animals, so I started volunteering around paid work. After a while, I decided I’d like to work with animals. I applied for an Animal Management and Welfare degree. I got in.

Got working at kennels, volunteered when I could. Past first year. Did my placement year, all still while working. Around this time my mental health declined. The first time I was affected. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t understand myself. Saw doctors, had telephone counselling, getting towards my final year at university.

I was beginning to get excited again. I also was having this unsettling feeling I couldn’t explain. I just ignored it and carried on. At Christmas, in my final year, I withdrew myself. I left with a Higher Certificate of Education in the degree topic and experience, working with different kinds of animals.

I just wanted to work and get my mental health back. Still working at the kennels. Still had unsettled days. A point came where I believed I needed to take the next step in my career. I got a job within a veterinary practice as a Trainee Veterinary Nurse.

I was nervous. Always. I was terrified. I was emotional. I couldn’t stay in a couple of surgeries. I had to walk out, have a sit-down. Otherwise, they’d have to clean me off the floor too.

That unsettled feeling was telling me that this isn’t it. This isn’t what I should be doing. I felt a failure. I love animals. I wanna make a difference to them. A part of me felt that if I carried on I’d lose that love for them I’ve had my whole life.

I basically took the first thing I could find job wise and ran. Into pretty much a job that wasn’t a job.

It’s been a year and nearly a half since then. I’ve been beating myself up about it periodically since. Everyone plus myself knew the animal path was for me. That was where I was supposed to be.

I’m sure if I knew now, then, I wouldn’t have beaten myself up about it. I would have been able to tell my loved ones how I felt.

Talking about this in today’s session got me to realise I’m in the right place now. Helping people is what I wanna do. Make a difference to others. That doesn’t mean I’ve lost my love for animals. Far from it. I still love animals. I still volunteer at the same place I started out at after my first university withdrawal.

I get to help and be around animals on my terms.

Having this conversation has led me to the path of forgiving myself. That I didn’t run away at that point in my life. I just wasn’t on the right path.


Watched: Atlantis: The Lost Empire > 3 out of 5

Career, Learning, Life

NVQ Drawing to the End?

After 4 hours spend with my NVQ assessor, I’ve done 14% more with a total of 75% complete. 2 more set meetings, which she says I may finish in February rather then March/April time when I first asked if I could finish any earlier.

I’m so glad it’s been moved up a month. It’s given me that light at the end of the tunnel feeling. That early next year I can potentially look for another job and tick completion of my NVQ off my goal list.