One of my Paths so Far

Next week will be my last therapy session. These 5 weeks have flown by. No doubt the next week will do the same. I’m glad I’ve attended the sessions. It’s given me the awareness that having a conversation does help.

Neither I or the counsellor went into the room with an agenda. Conversation flowed, obviously the topic was me.

In tonight’s session, we got onto me finding a sense of purpose and satisfaction in my job, the nature of my job anyway. That it’s my first time feeling like this is what I wanna do with my life. We spoke about why I didn’t feel this way about my other jobs or career routes.

Growing up, like any other kid I imagine has: I wanna be…. when I get older. I believe mine were: dancer or a vet. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I was good at ICT, so I went down that route. I got into my third month at university, I withdrew myself. I was bored.

I’ve always had a love for animals, so I started volunteering around paid work. After a while, I decided I’d like to work with animals. I applied for an Animal Management and Welfare degree. I got in.

Got working at kennels, volunteered when I could. Past first year. Did my placement year, all still while working. Around this time my mental health declined. The first time I was affected. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t understand myself. Saw doctors, had telephone counselling, getting towards my final year at university.

I was beginning to get excited again. I also was having this unsettling feeling I couldn’t explain. I just ignored it and carried on. At Christmas, in my final year, I withdrew myself. I left with a Higher Certificate of Education in the degree topic and experience, working with different kinds of animals.

I just wanted to work and get my mental health back. Still working at the kennels. Still had unsettled days. A point came where I believed I needed to take the next step in my career. I got a job within a veterinary practice as a Trainee Veterinary Nurse.

I was nervous. Always. I was terrified. I was emotional. I couldn’t stay in a couple of surgeries. I had to walk out, have a sit-down. Otherwise, they’d have to clean me off the floor too.

That unsettled feeling was telling me that this isn’t it. This isn’t what I should be doing. I felt a failure. I love animals. I wanna make a difference to them. A part of me felt that if I carried on I’d lose that love for them I’ve had my whole life.

I basically took the first thing I could find job wise and ran. Into pretty much a job that wasn’t a job.

It’s been a year and nearly a half since then. I’ve been beating myself up about it periodically since. Everyone plus myself knew the animal path was for me. That was where I was supposed to be.

I’m sure if I knew now, then, I wouldn’t have beaten myself up about it. I would have been able to tell my loved ones how I felt.

Talking about this in today’s session got me to realise I’m in the right place now. Helping people is what I wanna do. Make a difference to others. That doesn’t mean I’ve lost my love for animals. Far from it. I still love animals. I still volunteer at the same place I started out at after my first university withdrawal.

I get to help and be around animals on my terms.

Having this conversation has led me to the path of forgiving myself. That I didn’t run away at that point in my life. I just wasn’t on the right path.


Watched: Atlantis: The Lost Empire > 3 out of 5

Advertisements

NVQ Drawing to the End?

After 4 hours spend with my NVQ assessor, I’ve done 14% more with a total of 75% complete. 2 more set meetings, which she says I may finish in February rather then March/April time when I first asked if I could finish any earlier.

I’m so glad it’s been moved up a month. It’s given me that light at the end of the tunnel feeling. That early next year I can potentially look for another job and tick completion of my NVQ off my goal list.

Job Questioning

I’m not really sure what to do about my job. I know I don’t wanna do it or should I say I don’t wanna be doing it how the role I’m in does the job. To begin with, I liked the driving about, being in different places all the time. I think the novelty has worn off.

I like caring for the customers. Helping them where I can. But it’s the travelling about and the unsuitability of being in the community I’m struggling with.

Each week is different. But not good different. In the sense, I don’t know what my rota is gonna say. I may have regular customers but I don’t have a regular pattern to my rota. Or when I feel I have one. It changes again.

I need structure, routine. Be able to know when and where I need to be in advance. Being able to plan things help me.

To be able to have a full day where I’m not anxious to look at my phone just in case its work. I need to be honest but I don’t wanna lose my job.

Anyone been in a situation like this?

The thing that’s stopping me from just looking for another job is my NVQ. My employer paid for my course fees. If I leave before three months after its completion, I have to pay them back.

I don’t know the cost. I did ask at the end of my module hand in email the cost but not sure whether they’ll be able to tell me. I have a week until the remote call. See what happens next week on the job front.

Tiredness Taking Over

I woke feeling better today. Didn’t feel as tired. I haven’t really felt hungry but I have eaten three meals, so I can’t complain.

Helped out my step dad at times with fitting the new kitchen. Towards mid afternoon I started to feel tired. My eyes kept trying to close. I did stay awake. A part of me wished I hadn’t picked up four calls for this evening.

Now that I’ve done them, I don’t feel that way as such. I need the money but I think I should have given myself the full weekend off. On my next weekend off, I’m not going to pick up any calls.

I don’t feel as foggy to end the day but I don’t feel alive as I did this morning.

More Fool Me

Call it luck or the right way up. But when my alarm went off this morning. I did it. I got up. No hitting snooze or putting the alarm on for a later time.

I so totally have done that before.

Go me. I did all I had set myself to do. All was going well until I was driving to work. I started to feel the anxiety firing up in my chest. I had to breathe to stop myself falling apart.

But all for nothing.

It went well. I did have the shakes at times. Mainly when having to contact colleagues. It’s scary when I know how they are feeling. It’s like I’m a hypocrite. But I can’t help it as that’s my job role entails.

So, I’m going to try to prevent myself having to get in their business by doing the best job I can and help along the way when I can. Hopefully, we can find a happy medium.

Being home alone has been better this evening. Even did some of my jigsaw puzzle. Here’s hoping the fog is starting to lift. I only want to go upwards from here.

Writing is something I believe has helped. Getting the words that are floating around my head, out. Guess I didn’t wanna listen when my mum said “write your feelings down” when I was younger.

More fool me.

Love of Family

I’m sat here watching Long Lost Family. I always get emotional watching this show. It makes me grateful for having my own family. I not only have my parents but an extended family too. Step parents, step siblings etc.

I have lost family members just like everyone else. I still miss them to this day. I may not remember all my memories with them but I remember my love for them.


Well, onto the day I’ve had. It’s been a good day, a productive day. One where I have put all down and accepted telly time as me time. The raspberry fragrance in the air from my candle.

The meeting with manager and director happened today. Talked me through the role. Which didn’t take long. I said yes. This means I will be working once a week in the office. Every Thursday. A full day one week and a half day the next, then repeat.

I’m looking forward to it. My mood has been great today.

The only let down has been by my NVQ assessor. She was due to ring me today about our meeting. But to reasons unknown has failed to do so.

Some more good news as I write this.

My other half past his entry level Maths exam. Second times a charm. Next stage is for him to do the next level to work towards his GCSE Maths.

Not too late to accomplish something which was failed earlier in life.

A Little Disappointed

My meeting with my manager was supposed to be at 9 am this morning. But I had a phone call to say she couldn’t make it into the office. Unfortunately, now I don’t know what’s happening with the job opportunity. I’m having to wait till she’s back in the office to rearrange.

I’m not big on waiting.

I’ve had to wait twelve days to get a response from my NVQ assessor about my next meeting. Now we’ve had a reply, I can organise the meeting itself. I’ve waited four weeks so far for the day itself. Two weeks to go.

I’ve also had my blood test this morning. Seeing if my Vitamin D levels have risen at all. I’ve been on supplements for seven weeks now. I don’t feel any different to the reason why I went to the doctors in the first place.