I wanna wean myself off my anti-depressants

I’ve deciding to start weaning myself off my anti-depressants. This isn’t the first time I’ve weaned myself off them.

If I remember correctly I did it quickly last time. This time I’m not gonna rush. I am going to do it gradually over the next year. That way I can monitor how I’m feeling.


Watched: Tomb Raider (2018) > 3.5 out of 5

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Are you being yourself?

Growing up, even still to this day people tell me to be yourself. In my 26 years of life so far, is it the ‘norm’ to know who I am, where I wanna be and what my life is gonna hold?
My mind processed all the information around me. I either see and understand it or I don’t.
I know what my past journey has been like. I’ve had ups and downs. In and out of the doctors, with this or that wrong with me. I’ve gained and lost friends. I’ve lost myself and found myself again. My anxiety, my depression has been ruling me. Anti-depressants within my system.
I’ve backed out. I’ve run away. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I’ve lied. I’ve been kind. I’ve been cruel. I’ve been many more a type of person.
Do I know who I am? Not entirely. I know what I feel, what I think and a path is in view. My past doesn’t define me. Yes, it is my past. It always will be. My past isn’t who I am today.
I can tell you some of my likes, dislikes. My aspirations. The person I want you to see me as. The legacy I wanna leave behind. That’s only a part of me.
My thoughts have been rolling around my head, all my life. Thoughts, I’ve had to deal with. Thoughts that have stopped me doing or saying something. Thoughts that have been positive but have been pushed to one side, hiding in the darkness of the negativity bullying their way forward.
My thoughts are just that: thoughts.
They are balloons floating by. Until one keeps getting bigger, ready to burst, needing my attention. After letting out some air, the balloon is safe to continue, floating, gently over the horizon.
Thoughts are transient. Short-lived. Thoughts come and go. These thoughts have been weathering a storm, bursting for too long.
That gentle flow towards the horizon, the calm, lightening up my days. I’m becoming conscious of myself and the world I’m in. Starting to live for me. Not for others and certainly not for my thoughts.
My mind is open to endless possibilities. Insights.
I can’t tell the future. Tomorrow I’ll be myself and more. Continuing to grow each day. My consciousness emerging in all areas, freeing my mind of thoughts. Allowing me to shine through.

Getting Out of the Funk

Hearing the news that Demi Lovato is gonna be in the UK this June has lifted my spirits. Got me out of my 2-week funk. Thankfully one of the dates I can do.

As I know Dave isn’t as enthusiastic as I am about the concert, I’ve asked one of my friends, who I think it’s been nearly 2 years since we last saw each other. We sent letters back and forth every few months.

She said yes!

I have a good few weekends to look forward to in June. One of which is Demi Lovato and my friend.

I’m also giddy as I now have 3 full days off starting tomorrow. Fully booked too. Getting my second tattoo tomorrow and an overnight stay down south for Dave’s Uncles 50th Birthday.

Happiness and Joy2018 happening. Ekk!!!

 

Stage Fright

I’ve always cared about what others thought of me and what I do. I was shy when I was younger. I got stage fright when I had drama or dance. Drama was the worst because of the speaking. The quiet voice starts.

Dancing did help me overcome expressing movement and my stage fright. It took 5 years of secondary school for me to overcome it. I danced on stage at the front not caring about the audience.

Then school ended. Anxiety and Depression worked its way into my mind. I retreated into myself. I became shy, even more so. The quiet voice shined.

Now, I’m slightly shy. My quiet voice comes out when I’m anxious. But I’m slowly getting over my life stage fright. My anxiety and depression are a long way off to being controlled completely by me. I’m still scared by what people think. Thankfully, not all the time now.

Majority of the people I know don’t know it’s me on my blog. Once, if they do, what if things change. I don’t want to jeopardise my writing I’ve been honest about on here. But I still want to be honest with them.

Showing my face on my blog is something that scares me. I made a video today of me signing the British Sign Language Alphabet to help me in my learning. I’m proud of myself for doing it. I muted myself so no-one can hear my voice. Clearly, being a video, I can be seen.

I’d like to share it on my blog. But life stage fright and the thoughts of others, especially those I know terrify me. Even though most aren’t apart of my life today.

I shouldn’t feel this way. But I do….

My Moaning Myrtle

I’m in what my step-dad calls ‘my moaning myrtle’ state. I’m not gonna bore you. It’s just life in general. Long days with hardly any hours worth of pay. That cold that caused me to faint the other week is coming back with a vengeance.

But hey that’s life and the stage in my life that I’m at. But unable to change as yet. I’m not handling it well some days.

Tomorrow is another day. Another day to better my mindset.

To Much. Too Soon.

I tried carrying on as normal today. Let myself have a lie in. Did my module four for my NVQ. Found out the details for my Grandma C funeral.

That put me down again.

Trying to get the day off work for it was stressful. They had booked my NVQ assessor that day and I could only see her on my day off. It was like they didn’t wanna give me that day off and reschedule my NVQ assessor. In the end, they did. Now waiting for my meeting to be rebooked.

I felt like my brain was gonna explode. I had to go lie down. My mum found me a while later, laid on my bed. After a mini-talk. She told me not to do anything else today. I was glad it was my day off work.

Towards the end of the day, I started to feel better. At the beginning of the week, we had booked bowling for this evening. Then to go for a meal afterwards. I was glad for my mum, step-dad and Dave.

We continued with the plans. They got me out of my head for a few hours; which was nice. I came second in both games of bowling and we went for a Pizza Hut afterwards.

I thought of my Grandma C before I went to bed. I had planned to see her today. That got me down again.

My family and friends are amazing. I’ve a great close-knit circle I can count on. I think I and probably many people in the world can take these for granted. We shouldn’t.