Stage Fright

I’ve always cared about what others thought of me and what I do. I was shy when I was younger. I got stage fright when I had drama or dance. Drama was the worst because of the speaking. The quiet voice starts.

Dancing did help me overcome expressing movement and my stage fright. It took 5 years of secondary school for me to overcome it. I danced on stage at the front not caring about the audience.

Then school ended. Anxiety and Depression worked its way into my mind. I retreated into myself. I became shy, even more so. The quiet voice shined.

Now, I’m slightly shy. My quiet voice comes out when I’m anxious. But I’m slowly getting over my life stage fright. My anxiety and depression are a long way off to being controlled completely by me. I’m still scared by what people think. Thankfully, not all the time now.

Majority of the people I know don’t know it’s me on my blog. Once, if they do, what if things change. I don’t want to jeopardise my writing I’ve been honest about on here. But I still want to be honest with them.

Showing my face on my blog is something that scares me. I made a video today of me signing the British Sign Language Alphabet to help me in my learning. I’m proud of myself for doing it. I muted myself so no-one can hear my voice. Clearly, being a video, I can be seen.

I’d like to share it on my blog. But life stage fright and the thoughts of others, especially those I know terrify me. Even though most aren’t apart of my life today.

I shouldn’t feel this way. But I do….

My Moaning Myrtle

I’m in what my step-dad calls ‘my moaning myrtle’ state. I’m not gonna bore you. It’s just life in general. Long days with hardly any hours worth of pay. That cold that caused me to faint the other week is coming back with a vengeance.

But hey that’s life and the stage in my life that I’m at. But unable to change as yet. I’m not handling it well some days.

Tomorrow is another day. Another day to better my mindset.

To Much. Too Soon.

I tried carrying on as normal today. Let myself have a lie in. Did my module four for my NVQ. Found out the details for my Grandma C funeral.

That put me down again.

Trying to get the day off work for it was stressful. They had booked my NVQ assessor that day and I could only see her on my day off. It was like they didn’t wanna give me that day off and reschedule my NVQ assessor. In the end, they did. Now waiting for my meeting to be rebooked.

I felt like my brain was gonna explode. I had to go lie down. My mum found me a while later, laid on my bed. After a mini-talk. She told me not to do anything else today. I was glad it was my day off work.

Towards the end of the day, I started to feel better. At the beginning of the week, we had booked bowling for this evening. Then to go for a meal afterwards. I was glad for my mum, step-dad and Dave.

We continued with the plans. They got me out of my head for a few hours; which was nice. I came second in both games of bowling and we went for a Pizza Hut afterwards.

I thought of my Grandma C before I went to bed. I had planned to see her today. That got me down again.

My family and friends are amazing. I’ve a great close-knit circle I can count on. I think I and probably many people in the world can take these for granted. We shouldn’t.

Check up with my Doctor

I went to my doctors yesterday about seeing how I was doing on my anti-depressants. It’s been about 5 weeks now. I’ve blogged about my leg twitches, my headaches and sickness. I’ve been having chest pains too.

All of these I mentioned. He believes they are symptoms of my stress and anxiety. As anxiety, fear and stress are my overpowering issues. He has recommended a self-help book by Christopher Williams: Overcoming Anxiety, Stress and Panic.

My doctor showed me the first edition of the Overcoming Depression book by the same author. It looked good. Has questions and activities to complete. My doctor also said if I have any questions from doing the workbook. I should write them down and book an appointment to see him.

I thought that was really good. He wants to help me get better and answering questions about what I’ve done or don’t understand is something he is willing to do. So far, other doctors, I’ve met, I feel like I couldn’t do that.

They want you in and out as quick as possible. He wants me to come back just to chat if I need it.

Another thing he would like me to do is work on slowing down my breathing. That breathing is going back to haunt me. Think I need to listen. I breathe too fast. Which isn’t helped by stress or anxiety. In turn, causes my headaches and chest pains.

I’ve been working on this today. I’m even doing it now. Breathing in for 3 seconds and then out for 3 seconds. One breath cycle should be 6 seconds; 10 breaths a minute. I can do between 20 and 40 breaths a minute normally.

No wonder I feel panicked all the time. I noticed I feel a little calmer after a few minutes of breathing slowly. Unfortunately, I go back to my fast breathing if I’m not being mindful of it.

A new goal. It’s been a while since I made one of those. 

Goal: Slow my breathing down to 10 breaths a minute

It may be hard in the long run but hopefully having the foal will mean I practice the breathing techniques. Having the sense of relaxation would be a bonus.

One of those days

It’s been one of those days. I had dreamt of a customer medication I’d been to at the beginning of the week. I woke an hour and a half before my alarm. Wide awake. Waking up with a concern about the same customer’s medication running in my head.

Usually writing things down allows me to go back to sleep. Unfortunately, I couldn’t. Being too early I couldn’t ring my supervisor to report the concern. A while later at my first customer, I got a call cancelling my second.

I got to go home early but only worked an hour today. I got on with my day.

Around lunchtime, I got the sad news that my main customer past away. Definitely knocked me out of my hyperactive mindset. This was a hard moment. Thankfully, my mum was home. She was able to give me a hug. Plus, the dogs gave me kisses.

Again, after a while, I got on with my day.

Had the embarrassing moment of knocking an ornament off a shelf display in a card shop. Right at the front of the store by the tills. Everyone saw. Thankfully the staff were nice and I didn’t have to pay for it.

I was so glad when Dave (my other half) and I got to my dads’ house. We sat, relaxed and had a catch-up. I do feel more open with my dad since his Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis. I feel he’s more open with me too.

Pep Talk

I can do this. I can do this.

This is what I’ve been chanting to myself every so often when I start to feel my fear, anxiety or that dark cloud over my head. I did that today before my activation challenge for The Courage Council.

Making a recording of a pep talk to myself conversing with fear. The another to my friend in need. I’m not a fan of the sound of my own voice on recordings. Once I did complete them I cringed at the playbacks.

It took me a few stop and deletes before I wrote down what I was gonna say. Read off it when recording. I can get very tongue-tied when nervous. But I did both and sent my friend their pep talk.

I was proud of myself for doing it as previously I would have skipped these challenges. When I got a reply from my friend. He said it meant a lot. That made me smile.

Keep chanting and hopefully, my mindset will change fully in the future.

Here you go as promised my pep talk to myself. Hope this works. Please tell me if not:

Here is the transcript for those who don’t want to listen or don’t understand me or it doesn’t work:

“Fear, you and I need to talk.

You’ve been in the front seat now for too long. It’s time you hop on into the back and buckle up.

I’m in control now. I understand I need you. But we need some ground rules. Myself, my desires and creativity get a vote. When I believe you need to have a say I’ll ask.

Until such time, creativity, desires and I need to take charge. Get to where we what to go. I need to show that I am the capable, strong woman that I am. Not just to all of us in this car but the whole world.

You got that? Right, let’s go!”