I felt anger today. My therapist was due to ring me at 11 am. Phone out to hand. Delayed my to-dos in my head for me to start after the call. No call came.
I rung them. When I got through to someone they confirmed I was supposed to get the phone call. They said they’d recorded I rung. That I’ll get a call regarding my appointment.
I had a moan to my friend who goes to the same place. He asked if I had plans to turn my mood around. Luckily I had.
Dave and I went to the theatre to see Allo Allo. I’ve never seen the show. Dave saw the repeats when he was a kid. He wanted to see it. We went. Something new for me.
I found it funny. Not 100% sure what was going on half the time. But I enjoyed myself.
Took away my anger of my therapist never calling me today.
It’s been a difficult day. Today, was the funeral on my main customer. She’s been a big part of my past working year. I’m glad I went to say my goodbyes. See the family I got to know.
Luckily, a few fellow workers came to. We got to grieve together. I was even meant to be back to my office work by 1 pm. I need and wanted more time with her family and my friends. I did email to say I was gonna be late.
I didn’t apologise or make excuses. They knew where I was. I knew I was losing out on pay. There was where I needed to be. No regrets.
Thankfully, this evening I had something to look forward to. My friend offered to make me dinner and tonight was the night we’d organised it for. It was good to have something to look forward to.
He made a lovely meal, we watched a funny film and I was home for half 9. I didn’t even feel my anxiety of being in a rush. I did check the time a couple of times. I didn’t wanna be home late.
Once the film had finished and the football got turned on. I was started to feel tired. I knew it was time to go.
Both the good and sad happened today. I’m safe. I’m getting better. I’m able to last through a difficult day. I’m capable.
So are you!
There are two emotions I want to process today. I went to visit my Grandma C today. The first time in two months. She has changed massively. She is a different person. Cancer has taken over. To the point, I believe she has given up.
I felt guilty that I’ve put off seeing her to too long. I’ve no excuse. I’ve had plenty of chances. I just didn’t want to go. Like, there was that fear of seeing her.
She slept the whole time. I said hello and goodbye with hugs and kisses; which she woke to. She also responded a couple of times when I asked her if she was OK or needed anything.
My guilt changed to sadness.
It’s not nice seeing a family member that way. Thankfully, I wasn’t alone. My Auntie J was there, then my Uncle A arrived not long after I did. We all caught up with each other.
It was hard leaving my Grandma like that. I want to see her more often. No excuse. No fear. Just go!
I said to my friend B, earlier today that I believe my Grandma won’t make it to the New Year. I hope to be wrong but seeing her suffer, even with medication is hard for me. If it’s hard for me. How is my Grandma processing it?
Maybe giving up is her way of processing it?
I love you Grandma C. Your in my heart always.
I’m unsure exactly how to describe how I’m feeling right now. I’ve just finished watching the film; World Trade Centre. The one with Nicolas Cage.
Heartfelt is the word that comes to mind. I had a little cry towards the end. I think I need to sleep now. I’ve no more words.
I usually wake early. I’ve naturally done so most of my life. Getting used to waking up at 6-7 am with an alarm. Meaning I wake up around that time on days off.
Which I did this morning. After going to the toilet, I thought I’d rest my eyes a bit longer. Possibly to wake an hour later, hearing my mother-in-law go to work.
When I woke, I heard the washing machine, expecting to hear my mother-in-law to leave for work. I woke my other half. We chatted for a bit and then got up.
At this point I was getting worried for my mother-in-law. I then looked at the time to see it was 10 a.m. I couldn’t believe it. 8:30 possibly 9 a.m has been the latest I’ve ever woken.
I was gobsmacked. My first thought was “what’s wrong with me?” I took a quick moment to pause. I begun to think “I’ve been up by 7:30 all week and an earlier morning one of the days. Even yesterday on my full day off due to taking my car to the garage. Maybe I actually needed to sleep. Surely I would have woke earlier if I needed to?”
I had two and a half hours before I had to leave the house. Pausing helped me to calm down. Usually on a Saturday morning, even if it was 8 am, I wake and tend to feel anxious about not having enough time before we have to leave to take my other half to work.
I didn’t feel that way as much. Don’t get me wrong. I did have a bit of tunnel vision when doing the things this morning. Having a list in my head of what needs doing and what I would liked to have had done. I think I did well.
We got what needed doing done. My other half was at work on time. It’s a shame I couldn’t attempt a bath but there’s always next week.
I didn’t write yesterday. I can’t give a reason why. I’d just be making it up. I’m unsure what I felt yesterday. I didn’t wanna get out of bed. I didn’t wanna think, talk or socialise. I didn’t wanna do anything.
My other half had to drag me out of bed. It took us half an hour to do our food shop because I was on extra slow mode. I did nothing towards my goals. I didn’t go to a birthday celebration I originally said I’d go to.
Apart of me made up the story that as soon as I’d arrive at the party, they would want to go into town and use me as a taxi. My other half and I had already agreed that we were only going to the house party part of the evening.
This probably was never going to happen. Because of how I was I’d never know what would have happened. I did say to my other half that if he wanted to go, I’d go. He decided we wouldn’t. I think that was because of how I was.
I don’t have any feelings of regret. This morning I feel slightly numb. I feel more alive.
We do have plans today with another friend. This, there is no doubt about me having to go. I know I don’t have to feel like I have to hide my emotions and thoughts this afternoon.
The story I made up is that those who were at the party last night would not understand how I am or would judge me. Again until, if, I tell them about how I am. I’m never gonna know.
I’ve been trying to understand my emotions today. When I feel something I’ve been trying to figure out the reason behind the emotion. The root cause rather than fight the emotions.
I believe I felt my emotions when I was younger. I remember crying a bit. But I think being brought up where crying and having emotions wasn’t seen as a good thing. I started bottling it all inside.
I think that’s where my insecurity comes from in a way. Now, talking about emotions is becoming the norm, rather than a taboo subject. I need to start recognising my emotions in order to help voice what I’m feeling. Really think about and explore why I’m feeling the way I feel.
Goal: Embrace my Emotions