Goals, Life

‘Conflicting Emotions’

My mind and my heart run through conflicting emotions. I feel or think one thing one day, then the next it could be completely different. Sometimes it stays the same. I rarely fully understand what it is I want.

I’m going through life but not fully understanding. Does it mean I’m living to the fullest or not?

Hopefully by goals for Q4 of deep down journalling and getting shit done will allow that question to be answered.


Watched: Anon > 1 out of 5

Life, Mental Health, Writing

‘I can’t wait to be in my own house’

10:36 pm:

I get a message from Dave. It’ll be another house before he’s home. Is it best to go to his mums?

I panic and worry about my parents’ reactions. I hate this feeling and start crying my eyes out. How pathetic?

But that is how I feel. I hate that I do. That I have been made to feel scared to arrive home after a certain time. I really hate it. If we were living in our own place I wouldn’t feel this way. We’d be able to come and go as we please. No matter the time.

I sent a message to my mum to come upstairs. She found me crying my eyes out. Once I calmed, I told her about the message and that it’ll be later. I said I was being stupid. But I said the truth.

David is coming back here. Even at the later time. But I don’t feel that it’ll change how I feel about being, being made to feel like I have a curfew when I don’t. I’ve never had a curfew. It’s not that I stayed out late all the time. I was a good kid.

But I guess it is my take on other people words. My mum obviously told my step-dad and he came up to hug me and said there’s no need to cry. Even so, I still can’t wait to be in my own house.

Life, Writing

Telly Emotions

I can be emotionally invested in a program. Maybe that’s why I’m addicted. I can express my emotions more through the characters. I know I’m comfortable around Dave as I don’t try hiding these telly emotions from him.

Even my mum saw me the other day with tears streaming down my face. If it was, what even last year, I would have tried to hide these years from anyone.

I remember watching telly with my mum growing up. Long Lost Family for example, gets me very emotional. But I was fighting back the tears. Why? Fear. Embarrassment. Allowing myself to show my emotions real or telly related is apart of me. I shouldn’t be fearful or embarrassed by them. I need to embrace them.

Life, Writing

R.I.P Malcolm

It’s never nice to see family and friends upset. I’m afraid today was one of those days.

We got news that one of my step-great-uncles has been diagnosed with cancer in his ear. This is on top of other cancer he has been treated for.

Then I got news that my friend has broken up with her boyfriend who is another friend of mine. It wasn’t an easy break-up. It’s hard when money is involved. It makes things even more difficult. Especially when the understanding isn’t there on both sides.

Unfortunately, the news didn’t stop there. We then got news that another of my step-great-uncles died this afternoon. Seeing my Grandma and my step-dad upset is so hard. Even more so when I’m unable to take the pain away.

When bad news is around you it makes me feel like good news from today is irrelevant. That good news cannot be celebrated because of what’s happening.

Dave and I have a moment to ourselves on a walk to allow us to process the bad but also the good news we’ve had today. In 5 days time, we are going to the solicitors for the first time in 3 months. We can finally start the end of buying our house.

Once back from our walk we went back to supporting those who needed us.

Life, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Writing

Do you have feelings of uncertainty?

I’ve come to a decision regarding the CBT course I bought for £40 last November. Lately, it hasn’t been a task of joy for me. I’m not 100% sure it was in the first place. But I started it.

To live my life authentically, I thought that the things I do in my life should be meaningful and I’m to enjoy them. I’m afraid if I continue doing this course I wouldn’t enjoy it. I wouldn’t be trusting my feelings.

So I’ve come to the decision to cut ties with this course. I have certainty about that. But I feel uncertainty about the purpose of my life and my career. I don’t know where it’s come from or why I’m feeling this way But I have that uncertainty mixed feelings in parts of my day.

This feeling of uncertainty isn’t a nice one. A part of me wishes I could click my fingers and it would go away. All my problems, lack of purpose and dreams would be gone and complete.

But I wouldn’t be living life, feeling those emotions or being realistic. I believe I need to be more mindful of when I feel this way and note down the what, when, where and the whys. They might help me to figure out how I get to certainty in my life and career.


Watched: The Chronicles of Riddick > 3 out of 5

Life, Mental Health, Writing

Do you embrace your emotions?

Being positive can be hard some days. Everyone may say we need to be positive all the time.

I say we don’t.

I say we need to be ourselves.

Be honest.

There are days when shit hits the fan. Having a positive outlet may or may not help the situation.

There are times:

When anger will bubble inside of us.

When we need to let those tears fall.

When no matter what happens the smile cannot be removed from our faces.

We need to feel our emotions. We need to take responsibility for any consequences that come from acting on our emotions.

Emotions will have a butterfly effect on our lives. Also on those around us.

Feeling our emotions or not will make a huge difference to our mental health. Closing them away, locking up and throwing away the key will only delay the inevitable.

The good, the bad, the ugly. Our emotions need to be felt, be dealt with and overcome.  They are a big part of what makes us, us.

We need to be kind to ourselves.

They will always be within us.

We are not alone.

Please love yourself.

Please feel your emotions.

Please talk, write or create your way through them.

Please don’t run away from your emotions.

Embrace them. 

Life

Disappointed in Myself

I feel very disappointed in myself right now. I’ve talked about colleagues behind their backs with another.

Doing that has gone against the values I wanna live by. I used to be a gossip. A lot when I was growing up. I don’t wanna be that person again.

I wanna be honest, live with integrity and authenticity in all aspects of my life.

I’m ashamed of myself. I know I shouldn’t do it and I’ve no one else to blame but myself. It’s happened. I can’t take it back.

I need to be mindful of what I say about/of others.