Life, Writing

Telly Emotions

I can be emotionally invested in a program. Maybe that’s why I’m addicted. I can express my emotions more through the characters. I know I’m comfortable around Dave as I don’t try hiding these telly emotions from him.

Even my mum saw me the other day with tears streaming down my face. If it was, what even last year, I would have tried to hide these years from anyone.

I remember watching telly with my mum growing up. Long Lost Family for example, gets me very emotional. But I was fighting back the tears. Why? Fear. Embarrassment. Allowing myself to show my emotions real or telly related is apart of me. I shouldn’t be fearful or embarrassed by them. I need to embrace them.

Life, Writing

R.I.P Malcolm

It’s never nice to see family and friends upset. I’m afraid today was one of those days.

We got news that one of my step-great-uncles has been diagnosed with cancer in his ear. This is on top of other cancer he has been treated for.

Then I got news that my friend has broken up with her boyfriend who is another friend of mine. It wasn’t an easy break-up. It’s hard when money is involved. It makes things even more difficult. Especially when the understanding isn’t there on both sides.

Unfortunately, the news didn’t stop there. We then got news that another of my step-great-uncles died this afternoon. Seeing my Grandma and my step-dad upset is so hard. Even more so when I’m unable to take the pain away.

When bad news is around you it makes me feel like good news from today is irrelevant. That good news cannot be celebrated because of what’s happening.

Dave and I have a moment to ourselves on a walk to allow us to process the bad but also the good news we’ve had today. In 5 days time, we are going to the solicitors for the first time in 3 months. We can finally start the end of buying our house.

Once back from our walk we went back to supporting those who needed us.

Life, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Writing

Do you have feelings of uncertainty?

I’ve come to a decision regarding the CBT course I bought for £40 last November. Lately, it hasn’t been a task of joy for me. I’m not 100% sure it was in the first place. But I started it.

To live my life authentically, I thought that the things I do in my life should be meaningful and I’m to enjoy them. I’m afraid if I continue doing this course I wouldn’t enjoy it. I wouldn’t be trusting my feelings.

So I’ve come to the decision to cut ties with this course. I have certainty about that. But I feel uncertainty about the purpose of my life and my career. I don’t know where it’s come from or why I’m feeling this way But I have that uncertainty mixed feelings in parts of my day.

This feeling of uncertainty isn’t a nice one. A part of me wishes I could click my fingers and it would go away. All my problems, lack of purpose and dreams would be gone and complete.

But I wouldn’t be living life, feeling those emotions or being realistic. I believe I need to be more mindful of when I feel this way and note down the what, when, where and the whys. They might help me to figure out how I get to certainty in my life and career.


Watched: The Chronicles of Riddick > 3 out of 5

Life, Mental Health, Writing

Do you embrace your emotions?

Being positive can be hard some days. Everyone may say we need to be positive all the time.

I say we don’t.

I say we need to be ourselves.

Be honest.

There are days when shit hits the fan. Having a positive outlet may or may not help the situation.

There are times:

When anger will bubble inside of us.

When we need to let those tears fall.

When no matter what happens the smile cannot be removed from our faces.

We need to feel our emotions. We need to take responsibility for any consequences that come from acting on our emotions.

Emotions will have a butterfly effect on our lives. Also on those around us.

Feeling our emotions or not will make a huge difference to our mental health. Closing them away, locking up and throwing away the key will only delay the inevitable.

The good, the bad, the ugly. Our emotions need to be felt, be dealt with and overcome.  They are a big part of what makes us, us.

We need to be kind to ourselves.

They will always be within us.

We are not alone.

Please love yourself.

Please feel your emotions.

Please talk, write or create your way through them.

Please don’t run away from your emotions.

Embrace them. 

Life

Disappointed in Myself

I feel very disappointed in myself right now. I’ve talked about colleagues behind their backs with another.

Doing that has gone against the values I wanna live by. I used to be a gossip. A lot when I was growing up. I don’t wanna be that person again.

I wanna be honest, live with integrity and authenticity in all aspects of my life.

I’m ashamed of myself. I know I shouldn’t do it and I’ve no one else to blame but myself. It’s happened. I can’t take it back.

I need to be mindful of what I say about/of others.

Life, Relationship, Writing

Happy Anniversary

3 years together. It seems longer but at the same time I can’t it’s been this long. If you’ve been with me from the start, you may know I was having loss of connections in my life. Including with Dave.

Our connection being a major part of how I was seeing our relationship. Communication and honesty has been a great thing in my life and our relationship. We’re stronger and I open up about everything with him.

I believe he’s started to open up with me as well. There are times when I feel he’s holding something back. It maybe just me being paranoid. He hasn’t been one to express emotion in the past so anything is great for him.

We’ve had a lovely anniversary. We’ve been doggie sitting so we walked them, got muddy and had to bath them. We spent time in front of the telly. Been watching my guilty pleasure, I’m a celebrity.

We then watched a James Bond film. A confession: before this year I had only watched Daniel Craig 007. Well, 2017 has brought them to me. Today, we watched number 11: Moonraker. I’m getting half way through.

I feel this needs to be on my goal list. To watch all Bond films. I’m sure there are many other films I haven’t watched before either.

Are there any films you think I should watch? Old or new?

If I haven’t see it I’ll put it on my goal list.


Anyway, back to the post. I couldn’t be without Dave. He’s such a chilled, kind, amazing guy. He’s supportive and would try to do anything for me. I love him. Bring on another year together 😘

Life, Mental Health, Writing

The Past Coming Back

Do you get those times where events, people and memories pop into your head out of the blue?

I do. Both awake and in my dreams. There are things in my past that could define me. But I don’t want them to rule my present, hindering my future. I suppose I’m gonna have to process or run through them. Writing them down.

The past teaches. The past can hurt. The past may help to shape the person you are today. Every day, I’m learning more about myself and of those around me. I need to conquer my past, to help better shape me in the present so my future self can move to where she wants to go.

It’s 10:15 pm. I’m struggling to keep my eyes open. Seeing as the majority of my day was spent watching and finishing season 4 of One Tree Hill. I feel drained.

What ways or foods are good to keep energy up? Both on slow or fast days?