Life

1st – 15th Feb 2019

1st Feb

You know it’s been a long day when you start to pour your bottled water in the bin. I usually head to the sink but for some reason, I headed to the bin.

I felt good about this week with work. For once I felt I could be in the right place. I need to work on my communication though. To feel comfortable with what I’m saying to both staff and patients.


3rd Feb

I want to live authentically, honest and true; to my self, for myself, to be myself.

I don’t feel I’m living up to this. I still worry about what others think. I still let others plant seeds into my head. I’m still not giving myself, my voice about the things in my life and what I want.

I guess I still feel anxious and fearful. These feelings and thoughts are preventing me from shining through.


4th Feb

I’ve got such a busy mind lately that I’m finding it has to have insights into life. I need a quiet mind to help me achieve these and I need to go back from 30 miles a second mind frame. I’ve done it before, I’ll be able to do it again. It’s just getting back to that point and being able to stay there.


5th Feb

Boundaries Exercise: who’s who on the family board.

Who was your family chief executive officer (fceo) > my mum

Do I feel they did a good job > for a single working mum she did the best she could and has raised me right. I just wish there were more mother/daughter moments when growing up.

Do I feel I want to live up that parent? Do I feel I can? > Yes I would love to be able to raise any child I have similar to my mum and I feel I can do that. I just want to include a closeness and an open talking door policy.

Do I look forward to every day or am I relieved they are over? > I feel 50/50 on this. I feel glad about working days about my new job. I feel glad on days off now in regards to my relationship.

I don’t assume others see me in a certain way but I’m sure they do. I wouldn’t even know which way.

If in a couple, are you centred and secure, worried or resentful? > Last month I would have said centred and secure, no I’m worried and resentful. I’m feeling like I’m dating a person who doesn’t know responsibility, true responsibility or know what thoughts and feelings the actions done/not done caused by them and not thinking of the other person, just their self. That actions given aren’t the ones they are showing in meaning that was going into a companionable rut. They are not sure who to get out in the way I’d like. That I’m resenting the laid back approach that caused him to not notice me. Causing me to feel unhappy and worry about our future.


6th Feb

A companionable rut – I believe that’s how I’m feeling about our relationship. We may be able to get out of it, I don’t know. I’ve basically had a headache all day, I can’t shift it. I’m taking it to be due to how I’m feeling/not feeling and my thoughts about our relationship.

I know things can’t be perfect but I know I can’t take feeling like this all the time.


7th Feb

When I woke early this morning, I wasn’t expecting to find my mum unwell. Nor did I expect to be waiting in a&e all day after calling an ambulance. My mum’s not a crier so when she was crying due to the pain she was in; I knew she was bad.

We spent from 9am to 5:30pm in a&e. When 5:30pm came around, she was finally moved to a ward for overnight checks. Hopefully, she’ll be feeling better and start to eat, plus keep it down. I’m afraid today she didn’t want to try eating. It took her all day to attempt to have sips of water.

Once mum was in her room and a nurse had been to see her, my step-dad and I went home. After showering myself, by which point it had been 24 hours since I last ate a proper meal or a drink. After a while, my stomach started to complain but I think that was more down to my IBS.

I ended up going back to the hospital to take my mum some overnight things. Hopefully, all is well tomorrow and she’ll come home.


8th Feb

My confidence is something I need to build up in the workplace. I felt embarrassed at one point today as I’m still not 100% what can or cannot be done on the wards.

My mum came back from the hospital. She’s not 100% better but she’s well enough to come home. She’s been given a new tablet dose and has to go for outpatient appointment tests to follow up. Now it’s to try to get her better.


9th Feb

I might not be 100% there with my confidence in speaking but I hoped I proved myself in some of the physical sides to the job today. I tried not to shy away and I got involved. I want to be apart of the team and not hide away behind others or from the situation.


10th Feb

Watched: How to Train your Dragon: The Hidden World > 3.5 out of 5

I’ve talked about my confidence or lack of, I’ve talked about my mental health, I’ve more recently moaned about others lack of self-knowledge and meeting expectations.

I talk about this but I still don’t fully know myself, what my body love is or what love and feelings of true self are for me.

How do I expect others to be a certain way, and have the connection with others if I don’t know what it is, I want, know or feel?

How do I get to the point of this understanding and love for myself?

I’ve definitely had a negative mindset of late. I’m unable to find the path to the positive as I’ve been basing this change on other actions that aren’t coming as fast as I’d like them to be. I’m in charge of my mindset, not them. I need to be the one to go from the negative to the positive mindset. Living my life the way I want and not relying on others to be the change is going to have to be part of it.

I’ve a lack of meaning and purpose right now.

I have one with my new job but that’s only one side of me. The while of me needs to be happy, have that meaning and purpose. But is that everything?

We change the things around us. We change or shift even when we don’t see it do so.

Do I need to find myself or just understand the self and the world within and around me? I need to feel good. Maybe finding that feel good feeling is my true self-meaning.


11th Feb

My normal state these days is anger and frustration. It’s all getting directed at Dave. But he’s not saying or doing anything. He’s dismissive of all I’ve been like to him over the last 3 weeks. Quite possibly the last 4 years.

I want him to speak up! I feel if I said go, he’d just accept it and go. There doesn’t seem to be anything, giving him the natural umph, to do something or say something otherwise. It frustrates me more.

I’ve said more about it to B today and we’re having a girly night Wednesday, where I’ll say more.

But right now, I’m more emotional and loyal towards a TV show then I am to my fiance. That’s not who I want to be.


12th Feb

Just Meh…


13th Feb

What is my intention for this circle? For this time of self-connection? > I want to sit and think of what it is I want an abundance of. What is going through my head, to help me process any small thing, find answers for what I’m looking for? Focus on me and not al the stress I’m going through.

Essay Reaction. What does abundance stir for me? > Being able to feel worthy in all I do. Valued in what I give out. Not have to worry about money, love, family, friends. Having connections with others that are life-changing. Respect. Reliance. Worthiness.

I am Enough. I do Enough.

How am I believing in my own enoughness right now? Where am I appreciative of my abundance? > That I am earning the right amount of salary right now. Being able to work 3 or 4 days a week. To have the time to myself and work on the things I want to do, need to do. I am appreciative of my family being there for me and helping with the house. This is the enoughness to live independently.

Where and how am I believing a myth of scarcity right now? > I feel that my relationship is the myth in my life right now. That it isn’t enough to be there for the rest of my life. I feel my lack of confidence is a myth that it’s in me but I’m not letting it out. I know what to do but carrying out what I do means I feel I’ll be judged. [That I am already a mother and not a mum]


14th Feb

Happy Valentine’s Day. The day of Love. Why it’s celebrated as the day I don’t know. Well I know there’s a history etc but I mean in the fact those that love one another should express their love every day, someway or another.

My day was a 12-hour shift, my first type of busy one too. I thought it went well considering. I got a happy valentines day message from Dave in the morning and a message on his way home from work asking if I wanted a full body massage. I said yes and was selfish not letting it go to anything further.

I’m happy after my rants to G and B yesterday about my feelings on mine and Dave’s relationship. Something might happen to spur Dave on to up his game.


15th Feb

I had a few moments were I doubted myself and kept thinking others were talking about me. It’s in my head. Others may have spoken about me but that isn’t my problem, it’s there. The doubts about myself are in my head. I need to believe in myself.

Life

More work on the house happened. My body is feeling it from the work yesterday, making today harder then it should be. Half of the radiators are on and the first fix for the plumbing has been done. We’re back again tomorrow. I’ve been able to scrap and sweep some more floors.

The best thing about tomorrow is that I get to spend time with my dad and step mum.

Life

‘Words can Hurt’

My friend and I painted the undercoat for the kitchen. It took us 4 hours to complete the whole 9 foot high walls and ceilings. I was proud of what we had done.

But that was overshadowed of feeling put down by my mum when I got home. The simple words of ‘is that it’ hurt me.

Getting shot down by what I’ve done as its not good enough for someone else. I get excited by buying something for the house and it’s not the priority.

When Dave said he missed the bus home I said I’d come to get him. I felt safe to cry in the car. On the way back he didn’t ask me what was wrong. He didn’t ask until we were home when I’m guessing he noticed something was wrong. He quickly redeemed himself by saying the right things and giving me hugs.

Words can hurt, more so when said a certain way.

Events, Family, Life

Christmas 2018

Christmas for 2018, I’ve felt good as a time with my family. I’m glad I was able to have spend time with my family.

Dave and I alternate the years we spend with our family over the holidays. To make things fair and not favouring one or the other.

This year I’m glad it was my family. More to the point it might be the last one where we may have my Grandma around the table. Due to her Alzheimer’s and her decline in physical capabilities, both my mum and I feel that she won’t be capable of doing what’s she’s done today.

It’s hard to think that way but as it’s something we’re seeing happening to my Grandma on a daily basis we’re having to prepare ourselves and try working with my grandad to get the support needed. Unfortunately, my grandad isn’t taking everything well. It is understandable. We’re being there for as much as we can. This denial and how much change is needed is effecting them both.

No matter what we say it’s going onto deaf ears. There’s gonna be some shocks and bad times ahead. But no matter what, I have to take care of myself and strive to BLOOM BRIGHTLY.

Anxiety

Dread?

I feel I’ve been eating better lately. I’m not sure if it’s the stress/dress of my grandparents that is causing me to feel ill. I felt sick to my stomach about going this evening. But I need to and I’ve one more night to go before it’s mums turn again.


Watched: Riddick > 1.5 out of 5

Family, Life

When’s the right time?

My mum and I have been biting our tongues for the past few weeks with my grandparents. This morning I got to the point I had to say something to my grandad. I told him “something needs to change. I know that you don’t want to hear it but it’s true. Something needs to change, sooner rather than later.”

My mum and I are struggling, so are the carers, my grandad is doing a hell of a lot more then he should be doing to the point he’ll hurt himself.

Once I said what I did I just left the house. I haven’t been back today or heard anything from him. But I can’t hide away, I’m due back to stay over tonight. I’m gonna have to face the music but I still stand by what I said.


Watched: The Dark Knight Rises > 2.5 out of 5
Lone Survivor > 2 out of 5

Life

‘I’m not a waiting person’

Another relaxing day, I took the dogs for a walk, watched a film, went home to sort my dogs out. Then I took my grandad shopping and to his after op appointment. He’s doing well. My grandma has been a bit moody over the last few days so that’s been fun.

Once back, Dave and I spent the evening in front of the telly again. I also received an update from my new employer. They are missing some things so I’ve been chasing these up. Hopefully, by the end of the week, these will be sorted.

I get apprehensive when I’m waiting for these things to happen. It raises my anxiety levels a bit. Fingers crossed it all goes to plan.


Watched: The Princess Switch > 4 out of 5
How it Ends > 2.5 out of 5