It may only be October but I do love a good Christmas film. The one I’ve just finished watching ‘A Wish for Christmas’ was just what I needed. I felt connected to it. Not realising before I watched it; it’s to do with courage.
Just exactly the right type of courage I needed to see. Standing up for yourself. Staying true to your values. Being open and honest.
I can do this. I can.
I’m unsure exactly how to describe how I’m feeling right now. I’ve just finished watching the film; World Trade Centre. The one with Nicolas Cage.
Heartfelt is the word that comes to mind. I had a little cry towards the end. I think I need to sleep now. I’ve no more words.
I worked on my courage today. It was one of my actions I needed to do for week 1. There are usually things I see in my head of which I can do with all the confidence in the world.
But actually doing them is a different story. Most things I struggle to do on my own. When I actually do whatever it is, it builds my confidence up. Slowly, but it’s up.
One of my confidence builders is: go against my brain/thoughts to complete something.
Today, I went to the cinema by myself. I love going to the cinema. Usually, I’m with my other half or friends. I’ve seen others go by themselves. I always think how brave they are.
A part of me thought “yep, I can do that.”
Going by myself today was my act of courage. I thought “I can do this!” I pre-booked my seat so I didn’t have to queue. One step at a time.
When I was due to go my chest became painful. I was breathing heavy. I had to go to their bathroom before I went into the screen to use my inhaler. To calm down.
In the end I did it. I sat through the film and enjoyed it. Recommend Girls Trip. I had in my head that people were judging me.
The more I do things, my courage and confidence will grow. I’ll get out of that mindset.
Have you ever been to the cinema by yourself? How’d you feel?
I woke with a headache. Still tired and feeling drained. I floated through the day. Or that’s at least how it felt. I didn’t want to do a lot.
Being day five of six and having had four busy days. My body wanted me to slow down. I listened, saying I didn’t want to do the plans we already had. I’m glad now because it down poured that much it was coming through the conservatory roof.
At first, I don’t think my partner was happy about not doing a lot. We hardly spoke today until bedtime and that was more to do with anything but my frustrations.
But I’m glad I had planned a girls night with the one who couldn’t come to the group girls night. It was fun. Had a meal, chatted our frustrations throughout and watched The Space Between Us.
The second time I’ve watched it and it’s still sweet. Enjoyed it.
Getting my frustrations out about my partner to my friend helped me. For when I arrived home I was a little more me.
Now I need to think of a plan of attack to get my partner being a full grown, responsible, adult without me having to ask.
Is that too big of a goal?
I read a blog post today which I connected to. The author talking, explaining her type of depression. I find it hard sometimes to explain how I feel even when I know why I feel a certain way. But this author got it in one.
But this author got it in one.
I know I’m not the only one out there. It’s great to see someone explain to everyone what I can’t. That someone is making a difference. I connected with this post enough to reblog it. Many people as possible should read her words.
I felt in a fog for most of the day. Only really getting out of it this afternoon.
At first, we went to see my grandparents. My grandad is constantly tired. This is because he has to care for my grandma full time. Even though my grandma has been physically and mentally ill for a couple of years now. She at times won’t accept my grandad’s help never mind anyone else, not even family.
It gets so hard seeing them for long. I do feel bad about this. Guilty. But I know it’s hard to help someone who won’t accept it.
From there we went to Cawood; to do a Treasure Trail. The two hours we spent there, looking around for clues helped the fog lift for a while. Luckily for today, it didn’t come back.
This evening we saw Dunkirk. It was an interesting view on the events but I didn’t emotionally connect with it in the way I do with most disaster/true event films. That was a shame but a watch all the same.
Well, my eye is hurting so that’s my queue to leave now. Have a good sleep all.
9 am on Tuesday. I’ll be meeting my manager to discuss my potential job opportunity.
I had more of an interest today. Like I didn’t have to think. Maybe because I was in my comfort zone. I even won a free game of mini golf.
We saw War of the Planet of the Apes. When I go see films that have animals in, I feel torn. I don’t know how to feel. I know no animals were actually hurt but I’m seeing animals get hurt. It disheartens me. I did enjoy the film. Made me laugh and cry. I really loved the relationship between the girl and the apes.
It was when I got to my other half’s place that I began to feel different again. That I was there but I wasn’t. We went for a walk. That just gave me a headache and twice this evening I felt sick.
But even with the disinterest. I satisfied my other half needs. I still feel there’s something wrong with me.
Day 2 of annual leave. Roll on day 3.