Life, journal entries

Journal Entries: 1st – 15th April 2019

1st April

I didn’t sleep well last night. I feel it was anxiety I had from my last shift that’s been floating around my head for the past few days. The shift itself went well. I’m not 100% comfortable but right now it’s a job that I’m able to learn from. I feel it’s gonna be valuable to me. I need to pick myself back up and enjoy the good things I have right now.


2nd April

I’m grateful to be able to spend time with my dad and step-mum.


3rd April

I spoke about what I’m feeling, or should I say not feeling. I’ve felt it for a while but been in denial/didn’t want to admit to myself. Now I just have to say it to the person who needs to hear it. Will this make me sleep better? I don’t know but I can’t let it go on longer then it should. I now just have to wait until we meet face to face.


4th April

Watched: Oceans 8 > 3 out of 5

I felt like I had a bit more of a purpose today. I volunteered this morning, came home and did some odd jobs. I even walked the dogs twice, one of which was a family occasion. I need to figure out what it is I want to be doing with my life. Is there anything in the world that is gonna pay me enough or is there something that is gonna keep me interested with the main thing of not causing me to feel anxiety?


5th April 

I got through today’s shift. I’m not 100% sure about how I go on when certain members of staff are on and in a stressful mood. But I know I shouldn’t think that way as that is trying to mind read others. That isn’t a good thing to be doing. I know this, I catch myself at times and tell myself to stop.

There are things happening with my grandparents; they’ve been ongoing for a few years but some positive things have happened today. There’s been new equipment been put in place with one set of grandparents. These will make things easier for them and us in moving around. Another grandma seems to be accepting the care home she’s been placed in the other day, for the first time in after how long a road it’s taken to get there. So fingers crossed it all stays positive.


6th April

I’ve been down today. I have no reason to give as to why. I don’t like feeling this way. I’d rather know what the reason is, that way I have an idea what to do with my issues.

I’m meeting Dave tomorrow. It’s time I need to tell him how I feel. He wants to bring things into the house but doesn’t seem to want to help get it to the finished point. I feel like there’s no care about him helping. It’s just I’ll meet you and bring things when the work is done.


7th April

Dave and I went for a walk today. Not where we originally planned; a walk all the same. I didn’t want to drive somewhere that didn’t have an escape option for the both of us after the conversation I knew I needed to say. We had the chit chat part down for most of the walk until on the way back. I started the conversation about how I felt and didn’t feel. We ended the relationship. I ended it but there was no fight back or negativity from Dave.

We agreed we could be friends still and that I could try to ask for the whole ownership of the house. It’s a waiting game to see what happens with the house and then to get our belongings back from each other’s parents house.

As a friend said “It may be crappy at the moment but it’ll get better” and from another “It’s a brand new start where you’ll flourish”.


8th April

I had my first supervision at work. It’s one where I offload about work without having any worries with what I say. I feel that way with the person I have. I think if I had someone who works on my ward full time I wouldn’t be as open. I have these every 4-6 weeks and I think they’ll help me process what I want to do work wise for the future. From that, I had a to-do and I’ve had a couple to-do beforehand. I sorted out one to-do from before the meeting and the one from the meeting.

I know I’ve grown in confidence over the last 3 months, workwise and I’m sure I’ll continue to grow each day.


9th April

Watched: Death Wish (2018) > 2 out of 5

Finished Reading: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

I thought I was good by myself. I’m independent by being able to do things for myself but I’m not comfortable fully in knowing myself and what to do to past the time. I guess being in a relationship for the past 4 and 1/2 years a part of me has been lost since I was last single.

I’m wandering around the house wondering what to do with myself on a day where it’s no telly. That is something I need to find out. Do the things I enjoy and find out new things about myself I didn’t before.

I had a walk and a dance around to music; two things I enjoy but also help with my health. I finished a book and started a new one. It was a takeaway night at my parents. They decided to eat it in front of the telly. Being no telly day for me, I was a bit apprehensive at first but I thought if I ate mine at the time I would be isolating myself, to then go to my room after the food.

Because of this, I decided to join them and we ended up watching a film together. A no telly day is something I am keeping for myself but I don’t want it to take away time with those I love.


10th April

I said to someone at work that I’d rather be alone and happy than with someone and be unhappy. For some reason I don’t yet, people get involved with things that don’t concern them. I had a friend message me today to apologise for being the reason D and I broke up.  Her ex, who happens to be a friend of D’s was blaming her because he was unhappy she had told another friend the news.

I don’t have a clue what was going through his head. I don’t want to know. I informed D with my friends’ permission and reassured her that our break up wasn’t anything to do with her and everything that she said what the truth to our other friend. It all seems bizarre really. Will have to see what surprises happen soon.


11th April

Expectation Circle:

What are my intentions for this circle?

To see the expectations I may have for what they are. To be able to reduce these over time and figure out more about myself to enable me to love me for who I am and know who I am.

Tell the truth in my journal – I don’t have to do anything about what I write until I’m ready

Expectations to me are things I feel pressure to accomplish. I say need, it’s more a should. That people-pleasing way so not to let others down, even if not 100% for me. Although I have started to reduce the expectations from my anxiety, it’s still something that causes me ill feelings.

Who am I ‘supposed’ to be right now?

Kindness Acts. Homeowner. Blogger. Single. 27. Employee. Granddaughter. Daughter. Goal Setter. Volunteer. Friend. Doggy Mum.

I’m ‘supposed’ to be in a relationship I’ve just come out of due to ease and financial. But that’s not allowing me to be happy.

What feels like a ‘should’ in my life right now?

  • I should be in my own place right now
  • I should be happy with my body and what I put into it
  • I shouldn’t be sat watching telly in all my spare time
  • I should be out with friends and family
  • I should look my best all the time
  • I shouldn’t let other people’s judgements and actions affect me
  • I should be doing actions to my goals every day
  • I should be married and have kids
  • I should fit into the personal lives of my colleagues

I have made choices before based on the path I was on and those around me expected to finish that route; whether it was to do with my career or life choices. I guess I’ve relied on those expectations of others that I haven’t trusted my gut about and known where I wanted to go in the future.

What do I want now? Am I working towards them? Are they all mine?

I want my own place, to be able to live independently and feel the freedom to do as and when I please.

I want to feel I’m being wholehearted in the life I’m living.

I want to help people live a better life.

I want to travel and have new experiences.

I say I want to live an adventurous lifestyle.

If these are true or not, I’m not 100% sure. 


12th April

My body love is lacking. I am comfort eating to the point I get pains in my stomach. I’m not doing much exercise apart from walking. Loving my body is hard. But why is it so?

I’ve received a new exercise outfit today, I like yoga and pilates. I want to get back into a routine to help me feel good about myself and in my body. It’s something I’m gonna have to work hard at. It’s not happiness that comes easily to me. I guess breaking in a new habit isn’t I don’t wanna eat and slump myself sick.

I want to live a life that allows me and my body to have the energy to get up and go. If I had that energy, maybe I would have enjoyed a great night with a friend and made a new one. I’m self-sabotaging my life. I believe a part of me is scared to get out there and live it.


13th April

We had a group meet up this evening, meaning it was the first time seeing D since we broke up. I felt awkward around him really. I guess I’ve got to get used to seeing him as a friend only now where before we’ve only had that couple status. I’ll be seeing him again tomorrow for a couple of hours. Hopefully, I’ll feel less awkward about things.


14th April

I’m letting D get under my skin. Well, I should say in my thoughts. My thoughts are causing me to be frustrated at him. The thoughts are my problem. This weekend, I’ve seen D on two occasions, both with friends. Each time he appears to be his happy go lucky self like nothing has happened. I’ve been told by a friend he’s taking the break up hard.

I don’t doubt my friend. But just like when in a relationship he’s not showing me his true feelings and it is frustrating me. Yes, we’re still friends. His deepest, darkest feelings are not mine to know anymore. But saying he is fine to me and not to another is what is causing me to take it harder then it should. It’s put me in an annoyed mood at the two meetups. I don’t want is causing a break up in the group. I need to stop it affecting my thoughts because it’s stopping me from being present in the moment.


15th April

I set myself the target of only using social media on a Friday and Saturday. I’ve been back using social media for 5 months and I’ve reverted back to using it as a procrastination and avoidance technique. I’ve had moments of picking up my phone and looking through it. If I hadn’t set myself the goal to not use social media I believe I would have spent quite a lot of time on Facebook or Instagram.

My social media and phone usage are preventing me from staying present in the moment. I’ve set this action item for myself to help me realign with myself and space; a Q2 goal. I did so well at having 13 months from social media entirely. It would be a shame to have my habit get that bad to have to reinstate that.

I feel having the 2-day social media usage week will allow me to work on stopping me grabbing my phone and think and do things I enjoy and need to get done. If I’m grabbing my phone, do I really enjoy what it is I’m doing?

journal entries, Life

Journal Entries: 16th – 31st March

18th March

Watched: Hurricane > 2 out of 5

I’ve been on a set of nights the past 3. During the day I’ve been focused on sleeping during the day, with that and my lack of drive to do much of anything. I’ve not done what I would usually do. Journalling is one of them.

I’m getting to the point of feeling I don’t want to go any further with my relationship. I’m gonna and need to really think about it, as it’s not doing me any favours. I feel if it wasn’t for the house I would have walked by now. Doesn’t that say a lot?


19th March

I’m beginning to mix both productive and me time to-dos into my no-telly day rather than one or the other. Having done this I feel like I’ve done something without feeling like I’ve neglected myself.

But I’ve still got my relationship status niggling at me. But I’m not really processing things like I should. I’m coasting along waiting for something to happen. Maybe I’m waiting for a sign.

Right now, I feel I need someone else to decide for me. It’ll be easier than going through the mind mush I’m feeling.


20th March

I think doing a month of nights has helped me to build my confidence up. Starting days today, I felt more settled about it. Even got proposed to by a patient. I did turn them down.

With my relationship, I feel I’m going towards the end side of things rather than stay.


21st March

Being at work has been a Godsend. I’ve not thought much of anything. I’ve been present in the moment. That’s something I need to work on throughout my personal life.

Today, I’m grateful for my dad ringing me to check in; to see if I’m ok. Being there and not making me rush my mind. Where I feel my step-dad is rushing me. That’s something in his nature but it isn’t helping me. It’s putting me down in mood since I got home from work. I was feeling good before I walked in the door.


22nd March

Watched: Us > 1 out of 5


23rd March

Dave and I had a date night last night. It wasn’t a bad date. I felt more like I was going out with a friend throughout the whole evening. At the end of the date, Dave asked how I felt about things.

Me: about in what way

Dave: us

Me: I don’t feel any difference in how I feel and if it wasn’t for the house potentially I would have already said goodbye to us already. That I think we need to go back to the beginning.

Dave: What do you mean by that.

Me: Having space and going back to dating

Dave: would it be a good idea if I go back to my parents’ house and if it will be full time or part-time.

Me: full

Dave: if you think it will work

Me: I’m not saying it will or that it won’t. I’d rather try something then not do anything at all.

Dave: Ok, I’ll ask my dad tomorrow (as in today) and move out Sunday.

We’re not broken but we’re not gonna be living together for a bit at least to see if it helps.

Me: how do you feel?

Dave: that it’s something worth trying rather than doing nothing. It’ll be strange living back with my parents and that I’ll be down for a couple of days but I’ll be ok.

I also spoke to him at the end of that date about him moving back to his parents. Just cause he’s moving back to his parents he needs to be independent. It shouldn’t mean his parents do everything for him still. He said he understood what I meant. I don’t know if his parents know the full extent of what is going on with us or anything at all. But having a girls day before our date night made me feel good about being honest with Dave wholeheartedly.


24th March

Dave has moved out. He’s taken some of his things; not all of them. I’ve been sorting my room out this evening and moved the majority of his things into a wardrobe so I can think clearly about things. It’s gonna go one of two ways. We continue life together as a couple or we don’t. The couple way is the easiest but that shouldn’t be the reason to stay. Hoping dating will allow a spark to be re-alight.

I’ve also been updating a couple of people who have no clue what’s been going on. One of whom has been Dave’s sister. I’m still waiting for a reply on what I’ve said to her. So, I’ll have to see. I have no clue what they’re gonna be like. Apparently, Dave told his dad we’re in a bump and that we’re gonna live separately until moving into the house to see if that helps. As far as I’m aware no details more or if he’s talking to anyone else about things.


25th March

It’s been 24 hours since Dave has moved out. I’ve spent my day at work so, today I haven’t thought about ‘us’ much. I’ve messaged him. To begin with, it’s cause I’ve felt I should do. Usually, after work, I’m all in a rush if I’ve had to do but this evening there’s been things I’ve needed to do but it hasn’t felt completely rushed. I’ve done more than I usually would have done.

So, far I haven’t been totally successful with my Take a Minute journal. I am gonna come back to this one. Last week my Happiness Planner arrived. I’ve started the questions last week and planned to start my 100 days today. I wasn’t successful at answering all the questions but I did start my Day 1 today and answered some more of the questions. I’ll try to do the others tomorrow or Wednesday. I’m hoping that doing the 100-day Happiness Planner that I feel or see a change in my habits by the end of it.


26th March

I’m feeling more confident at work now but I’m running my mouth where I shouldn’t at times. I need to work on this and be mindful of what and when I say things before I get into trouble. I’m already feeling anxiety over it so I know within myself it’s a bad thing. It needs to stop.

Unfortunately, we’ve received some bad news today in the family. 2 weeks ago my grandad had a mole removed which has turned back as cancerous. We are now waiting for an appointment with the consultant so we can know more about things and to what extent it’s affected him. My grandma is also, unfortunately, getting more confused and to the point, she is unable to stand without assistance. She is getting that thinking look when we come around before realising we’re her family. As my mum said ‘if it doesn’t rain, it pours.


27th March

It’s been my first day since Dave moved out. I’ve had things to do. I’ve had time to also do a review of my Q1 and make my Q2 goals, watch a film and go to a leaving do. Although my anxiety and depression are better then it used to be, I’m still getting anxiety flushes. I felt some today about the leaving do, I went through ‘I’m not going’ to ‘I’ve already said I’ll go’ a number of times before the event.

I went but I’mm not good at the talking part of a social event but I got through it and had a lovely meal with some of my work colleagues.


28th March

I was put into a funk mood due to something that happened at work. It made me feel I wasn’t good enough to do what it is I’m doing. It’s put me in a downer for the rest the day.

A good thing that came out of my work is that I’ve passed my Care Certificate training.


29th March

Finished Reading: The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Authentic Kick-Starter Course

Day 9, Part 1 Continued > I suppose that I feel like when I make a connection with someone I hope it to stay with us. I have been vulnerable but cannot see that vulnerability back. I fear that there isn’t that vulnerability connection available.

Day 10, Part 1 Continued > Learning is something that I like but to have to fail to learn something doesn’t feel right to me. Getting out of that comfort zone is something failure comes under for me. I’ve been brave and had a conversation about what I need out of our relationship. I’ve tried to get his needs and what he appreciates but that vulnerability and his needs aren’t clear. I’ve asked, with the conversation in a different way but this isn’t coming across easily.


30th March

I’m glad to have my family and friends around me. We had a lovely family meal and my friend has booked us a spa day together in just over a months time. Certainly, something to look forward to. Especially, with everything that’s been going on.

I’m still in my head. Tomorrow I need to try more to get myself out of it as I have a shift to work on Monday. I need to be on my game and not let what got me in a funk keep me feeling this way.

My telly obsession is getting in the way of me focusing on myself and my goals. Maybe I should have a year off from the TV like I did with social media and chocolate. Least the year of no chocolate has stuck past its year.

Focusing on me in the present is clearly something I’m avoiding. It’s something I need to get through regardless of how hard it might be.


31st March

My grandparents had health problems that needed seeing to today, which meant I was focusing on them today.

Life

1st – 15th Feb 2019

1st Feb

You know it’s been a long day when you start to pour your bottled water in the bin. I usually head to the sink but for some reason, I headed to the bin.

I felt good about this week with work. For once I felt I could be in the right place. I need to work on my communication though. To feel comfortable with what I’m saying to both staff and patients.


3rd Feb

I want to live authentically, honest and true; to my self, for myself, to be myself.

I don’t feel I’m living up to this. I still worry about what others think. I still let others plant seeds into my head. I’m still not giving myself, my voice about the things in my life and what I want.

I guess I still feel anxious and fearful. These feelings and thoughts are preventing me from shining through.


4th Feb

I’ve got such a busy mind lately that I’m finding it has to have insights into life. I need a quiet mind to help me achieve these and I need to go back from 30 miles a second mind frame. I’ve done it before, I’ll be able to do it again. It’s just getting back to that point and being able to stay there.


5th Feb

Boundaries Exercise: who’s who on the family board.

Who was your family chief executive officer (fceo) > my mum

Do I feel they did a good job > for a single working mum she did the best she could and has raised me right. I just wish there were more mother/daughter moments when growing up.

Do I feel I want to live up that parent? Do I feel I can? > Yes I would love to be able to raise any child I have similar to my mum and I feel I can do that. I just want to include a closeness and an open talking door policy.

Do I look forward to every day or am I relieved they are over? > I feel 50/50 on this. I feel glad about working days about my new job. I feel glad on days off now in regards to my relationship.

I don’t assume others see me in a certain way but I’m sure they do. I wouldn’t even know which way.

If in a couple, are you centred and secure, worried or resentful? > Last month I would have said centred and secure, no I’m worried and resentful. I’m feeling like I’m dating a person who doesn’t know responsibility, true responsibility or know what thoughts and feelings the actions done/not done caused by them and not thinking of the other person, just their self. That actions given aren’t the ones they are showing in meaning that was going into a companionable rut. They are not sure who to get out in the way I’d like. That I’m resenting the laid back approach that caused him to not notice me. Causing me to feel unhappy and worry about our future.


6th Feb

A companionable rut – I believe that’s how I’m feeling about our relationship. We may be able to get out of it, I don’t know. I’ve basically had a headache all day, I can’t shift it. I’m taking it to be due to how I’m feeling/not feeling and my thoughts about our relationship.

I know things can’t be perfect but I know I can’t take feeling like this all the time.


7th Feb

When I woke early this morning, I wasn’t expecting to find my mum unwell. Nor did I expect to be waiting in a&e all day after calling an ambulance. My mum’s not a crier so when she was crying due to the pain she was in; I knew she was bad.

We spent from 9am to 5:30pm in a&e. When 5:30pm came around, she was finally moved to a ward for overnight checks. Hopefully, she’ll be feeling better and start to eat, plus keep it down. I’m afraid today she didn’t want to try eating. It took her all day to attempt to have sips of water.

Once mum was in her room and a nurse had been to see her, my step-dad and I went home. After showering myself, by which point it had been 24 hours since I last ate a proper meal or a drink. After a while, my stomach started to complain but I think that was more down to my IBS.

I ended up going back to the hospital to take my mum some overnight things. Hopefully, all is well tomorrow and she’ll come home.


8th Feb

My confidence is something I need to build up in the workplace. I felt embarrassed at one point today as I’m still not 100% what can or cannot be done on the wards.

My mum came back from the hospital. She’s not 100% better but she’s well enough to come home. She’s been given a new tablet dose and has to go for outpatient appointment tests to follow up. Now it’s to try to get her better.


9th Feb

I might not be 100% there with my confidence in speaking but I hoped I proved myself in some of the physical sides to the job today. I tried not to shy away and I got involved. I want to be apart of the team and not hide away behind others or from the situation.


10th Feb

Watched: How to Train your Dragon: The Hidden World > 3.5 out of 5

I’ve talked about my confidence or lack of, I’ve talked about my mental health, I’ve more recently moaned about others lack of self-knowledge and meeting expectations.

I talk about this but I still don’t fully know myself, what my body love is or what love and feelings of true self are for me.

How do I expect others to be a certain way, and have the connection with others if I don’t know what it is, I want, know or feel?

How do I get to the point of this understanding and love for myself?

I’ve definitely had a negative mindset of late. I’m unable to find the path to the positive as I’ve been basing this change on other actions that aren’t coming as fast as I’d like them to be. I’m in charge of my mindset, not them. I need to be the one to go from the negative to the positive mindset. Living my life the way I want and not relying on others to be the change is going to have to be part of it.

I’ve a lack of meaning and purpose right now.

I have one with my new job but that’s only one side of me. The while of me needs to be happy, have that meaning and purpose. But is that everything?

We change the things around us. We change or shift even when we don’t see it do so.

Do I need to find myself or just understand the self and the world within and around me? I need to feel good. Maybe finding that feel good feeling is my true self-meaning.


11th Feb

My normal state these days is anger and frustration. It’s all getting directed at Dave. But he’s not saying or doing anything. He’s dismissive of all I’ve been like to him over the last 3 weeks. Quite possibly the last 4 years.

I want him to speak up! I feel if I said go, he’d just accept it and go. There doesn’t seem to be anything, giving him the natural umph, to do something or say something otherwise. It frustrates me more.

I’ve said more about it to B today and we’re having a girly night Wednesday, where I’ll say more.

But right now, I’m more emotional and loyal towards a TV show then I am to my fiance. That’s not who I want to be.


12th Feb

Just Meh…


13th Feb

What is my intention for this circle? For this time of self-connection? > I want to sit and think of what it is I want an abundance of. What is going through my head, to help me process any small thing, find answers for what I’m looking for? Focus on me and not al the stress I’m going through.

Essay Reaction. What does abundance stir for me? > Being able to feel worthy in all I do. Valued in what I give out. Not have to worry about money, love, family, friends. Having connections with others that are life-changing. Respect. Reliance. Worthiness.

I am Enough. I do Enough.

How am I believing in my own enoughness right now? Where am I appreciative of my abundance? > That I am earning the right amount of salary right now. Being able to work 3 or 4 days a week. To have the time to myself and work on the things I want to do, need to do. I am appreciative of my family being there for me and helping with the house. This is the enoughness to live independently.

Where and how am I believing a myth of scarcity right now? > I feel that my relationship is the myth in my life right now. That it isn’t enough to be there for the rest of my life. I feel my lack of confidence is a myth that it’s in me but I’m not letting it out. I know what to do but carrying out what I do means I feel I’ll be judged. [That I am already a mother and not a mum]


14th Feb

Happy Valentine’s Day. The day of Love. Why it’s celebrated as the day I don’t know. Well I know there’s a history etc but I mean in the fact those that love one another should express their love every day, someway or another.

My day was a 12-hour shift, my first type of busy one too. I thought it went well considering. I got a happy valentines day message from Dave in the morning and a message on his way home from work asking if I wanted a full body massage. I said yes and was selfish not letting it go to anything further.

I’m happy after my rants to G and B yesterday about my feelings on mine and Dave’s relationship. Something might happen to spur Dave on to up his game.


15th Feb

I had a few moments were I doubted myself and kept thinking others were talking about me. It’s in my head. Others may have spoken about me but that isn’t my problem, it’s there. The doubts about myself are in my head. I need to believe in myself.

Life

‘Words can Hurt’

My friend and I painted the undercoat for the kitchen. It took us 4 hours to complete the whole 9 foot high walls and ceilings. I was proud of what we had done.

But that was overshadowed of feeling put down by my mum when I got home. The simple words of ‘is that it’ hurt me.

Getting shot down by what I’ve done as its not good enough for someone else. I get excited by buying something for the house and it’s not the priority.

When Dave said he missed the bus home I said I’d come to get him. I felt safe to cry in the car. On the way back he didn’t ask me what was wrong. He didn’t ask until we were home when I’m guessing he noticed something was wrong. He quickly redeemed himself by saying the right things and giving me hugs.

Words can hurt, more so when said a certain way.

Friendships, Life

Missed Post 17.11.2018

It was good not having a day where it was all planned. My grandparents have kicked us out during the day. So as I had no plans, my step-dad and Dave were at the house putting plasterboards on the ceiling, I spent most of the day with my mum. It was nice and chilled with odd jobs being done too.

On the evening we went to our friends to help celebrate his birthday. Played games, and they drank. I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t particularly like it when Dave’s drunk. He is a silly drunk; more in the idiot kind of why not the funny silly. Once we were home Dave was fast out once his head hit the pillow.

Even though that thought happened, it was still a good day.

Life, Writing

A Needed Night with Friends

Girls Ruled Tonight!!

After a stressful and emotional week, it was good to end with an evening with friends, having a laugh. We played bowling and mini golf. I won bowling and C won at mini golf. All the boys lost.

I now have a whole 2 days off. I have plans tomorrow and then Dave and I have the next day off together. I’ve started to de-stress. By the end, I’ll be relaxing without thinking. Let’s hope.

What did make me laugh when we were getting ready for bed, was that Alfie has eaten a hole in Dave PJ bottoms. Not good but was funny. They’re now in the bin.

Cute and cuddle Alfie is in the dog house but boy is his a mischievious fluffy butt.