Life

1st – 15th Feb 2019

1st Feb

You know it’s been a long day when you start to pour your bottled water in the bin. I usually head to the sink but for some reason, I headed to the bin.

I felt good about this week with work. For once I felt I could be in the right place. I need to work on my communication though. To feel comfortable with what I’m saying to both staff and patients.


3rd Feb

I want to live authentically, honest and true; to my self, for myself, to be myself.

I don’t feel I’m living up to this. I still worry about what others think. I still let others plant seeds into my head. I’m still not giving myself, my voice about the things in my life and what I want.

I guess I still feel anxious and fearful. These feelings and thoughts are preventing me from shining through.


4th Feb

I’ve got such a busy mind lately that I’m finding it has to have insights into life. I need a quiet mind to help me achieve these and I need to go back from 30 miles a second mind frame. I’ve done it before, I’ll be able to do it again. It’s just getting back to that point and being able to stay there.


5th Feb

Boundaries Exercise: who’s who on the family board.

Who was your family chief executive officer (fceo) > my mum

Do I feel they did a good job > for a single working mum she did the best she could and has raised me right. I just wish there were more mother/daughter moments when growing up.

Do I feel I want to live up that parent? Do I feel I can? > Yes I would love to be able to raise any child I have similar to my mum and I feel I can do that. I just want to include a closeness and an open talking door policy.

Do I look forward to every day or am I relieved they are over? > I feel 50/50 on this. I feel glad about working days about my new job. I feel glad on days off now in regards to my relationship.

I don’t assume others see me in a certain way but I’m sure they do. I wouldn’t even know which way.

If in a couple, are you centred and secure, worried or resentful? > Last month I would have said centred and secure, no I’m worried and resentful. I’m feeling like I’m dating a person who doesn’t know responsibility, true responsibility or know what thoughts and feelings the actions done/not done caused by them and not thinking of the other person, just their self. That actions given aren’t the ones they are showing in meaning that was going into a companionable rut. They are not sure who to get out in the way I’d like. That I’m resenting the laid back approach that caused him to not notice me. Causing me to feel unhappy and worry about our future.


6th Feb

A companionable rut – I believe that’s how I’m feeling about our relationship. We may be able to get out of it, I don’t know. I’ve basically had a headache all day, I can’t shift it. I’m taking it to be due to how I’m feeling/not feeling and my thoughts about our relationship.

I know things can’t be perfect but I know I can’t take feeling like this all the time.


7th Feb

When I woke early this morning, I wasn’t expecting to find my mum unwell. Nor did I expect to be waiting in a&e all day after calling an ambulance. My mum’s not a crier so when she was crying due to the pain she was in; I knew she was bad.

We spent from 9am to 5:30pm in a&e. When 5:30pm came around, she was finally moved to a ward for overnight checks. Hopefully, she’ll be feeling better and start to eat, plus keep it down. I’m afraid today she didn’t want to try eating. It took her all day to attempt to have sips of water.

Once mum was in her room and a nurse had been to see her, my step-dad and I went home. After showering myself, by which point it had been 24 hours since I last ate a proper meal or a drink. After a while, my stomach started to complain but I think that was more down to my IBS.

I ended up going back to the hospital to take my mum some overnight things. Hopefully, all is well tomorrow and she’ll come home.


8th Feb

My confidence is something I need to build up in the workplace. I felt embarrassed at one point today as I’m still not 100% what can or cannot be done on the wards.

My mum came back from the hospital. She’s not 100% better but she’s well enough to come home. She’s been given a new tablet dose and has to go for outpatient appointment tests to follow up. Now it’s to try to get her better.


9th Feb

I might not be 100% there with my confidence in speaking but I hoped I proved myself in some of the physical sides to the job today. I tried not to shy away and I got involved. I want to be apart of the team and not hide away behind others or from the situation.


10th Feb

Watched: How to Train your Dragon: The Hidden World > 3.5 out of 5

I’ve talked about my confidence or lack of, I’ve talked about my mental health, I’ve more recently moaned about others lack of self-knowledge and meeting expectations.

I talk about this but I still don’t fully know myself, what my body love is or what love and feelings of true self are for me.

How do I expect others to be a certain way, and have the connection with others if I don’t know what it is, I want, know or feel?

How do I get to the point of this understanding and love for myself?

I’ve definitely had a negative mindset of late. I’m unable to find the path to the positive as I’ve been basing this change on other actions that aren’t coming as fast as I’d like them to be. I’m in charge of my mindset, not them. I need to be the one to go from the negative to the positive mindset. Living my life the way I want and not relying on others to be the change is going to have to be part of it.

I’ve a lack of meaning and purpose right now.

I have one with my new job but that’s only one side of me. The while of me needs to be happy, have that meaning and purpose. But is that everything?

We change the things around us. We change or shift even when we don’t see it do so.

Do I need to find myself or just understand the self and the world within and around me? I need to feel good. Maybe finding that feel good feeling is my true self-meaning.


11th Feb

My normal state these days is anger and frustration. It’s all getting directed at Dave. But he’s not saying or doing anything. He’s dismissive of all I’ve been like to him over the last 3 weeks. Quite possibly the last 4 years.

I want him to speak up! I feel if I said go, he’d just accept it and go. There doesn’t seem to be anything, giving him the natural umph, to do something or say something otherwise. It frustrates me more.

I’ve said more about it to B today and we’re having a girly night Wednesday, where I’ll say more.

But right now, I’m more emotional and loyal towards a TV show then I am to my fiance. That’s not who I want to be.


12th Feb

Just Meh…


13th Feb

What is my intention for this circle? For this time of self-connection? > I want to sit and think of what it is I want an abundance of. What is going through my head, to help me process any small thing, find answers for what I’m looking for? Focus on me and not al the stress I’m going through.

Essay Reaction. What does abundance stir for me? > Being able to feel worthy in all I do. Valued in what I give out. Not have to worry about money, love, family, friends. Having connections with others that are life-changing. Respect. Reliance. Worthiness.

I am Enough. I do Enough.

How am I believing in my own enoughness right now? Where am I appreciative of my abundance? > That I am earning the right amount of salary right now. Being able to work 3 or 4 days a week. To have the time to myself and work on the things I want to do, need to do. I am appreciative of my family being there for me and helping with the house. This is the enoughness to live independently.

Where and how am I believing a myth of scarcity right now? > I feel that my relationship is the myth in my life right now. That it isn’t enough to be there for the rest of my life. I feel my lack of confidence is a myth that it’s in me but I’m not letting it out. I know what to do but carrying out what I do means I feel I’ll be judged. [That I am already a mother and not a mum]


14th Feb

Happy Valentine’s Day. The day of Love. Why it’s celebrated as the day I don’t know. Well I know there’s a history etc but I mean in the fact those that love one another should express their love every day, someway or another.

My day was a 12-hour shift, my first type of busy one too. I thought it went well considering. I got a happy valentines day message from Dave in the morning and a message on his way home from work asking if I wanted a full body massage. I said yes and was selfish not letting it go to anything further.

I’m happy after my rants to G and B yesterday about my feelings on mine and Dave’s relationship. Something might happen to spur Dave on to up his game.


15th Feb

I had a few moments were I doubted myself and kept thinking others were talking about me. It’s in my head. Others may have spoken about me but that isn’t my problem, it’s there. The doubts about myself are in my head. I need to believe in myself.

Life

‘Words can Hurt’

My friend and I painted the undercoat for the kitchen. It took us 4 hours to complete the whole 9 foot high walls and ceilings. I was proud of what we had done.

But that was overshadowed of feeling put down by my mum when I got home. The simple words of ‘is that it’ hurt me.

Getting shot down by what I’ve done as its not good enough for someone else. I get excited by buying something for the house and it’s not the priority.

When Dave said he missed the bus home I said I’d come to get him. I felt safe to cry in the car. On the way back he didn’t ask me what was wrong. He didn’t ask until we were home when I’m guessing he noticed something was wrong. He quickly redeemed himself by saying the right things and giving me hugs.

Words can hurt, more so when said a certain way.

Friendships, Life

Missed Post 17.11.2018

It was good not having a day where it was all planned. My grandparents have kicked us out during the day. So as I had no plans, my step-dad and Dave were at the house putting plasterboards on the ceiling, I spent most of the day with my mum. It was nice and chilled with odd jobs being done too.

On the evening we went to our friends to help celebrate his birthday. Played games, and they drank. I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t particularly like it when Dave’s drunk. He is a silly drunk; more in the idiot kind of why not the funny silly. Once we were home Dave was fast out once his head hit the pillow.

Even though that thought happened, it was still a good day.

Life, Writing

A Needed Night with Friends

Girls Ruled Tonight!!

After a stressful and emotional week, it was good to end with an evening with friends, having a laugh. We played bowling and mini golf. I won bowling and C won at mini golf. All the boys lost.

I now have a whole 2 days off. I have plans tomorrow and then Dave and I have the next day off together. I’ve started to de-stress. By the end, I’ll be relaxing without thinking. Let’s hope.

What did make me laugh when we were getting ready for bed, was that Alfie has eaten a hole in Dave PJ bottoms. Not good but was funny. They’re now in the bin.

Cute and cuddle Alfie is in the dog house but boy is his a mischievious fluffy butt.

Events, Friendships, Life, Writing

A Wedding

Today was my mates, sisters wedding. It was a gorgeous ceremony. The wedding breakfast was lovely. I was in some official photos as well which I didn’t expect but I like the idea of all the ceremony guests having a photo together.

We then had a break before the evening part. A group of us went to the hotel rooms that they’d booked. At one point myself and a friends girlfriend got stuck with a load of kids. Luckily we played games that occupied them.

I did feel sorry for the bride and groom for the evening part though. Majority of the day people had left and all friends that were invited for the evening part didn’t turn up. It ended up being 10-15 of us filling up the dance floor. Making use of the DJ.

Even so, it was fun. It tired me out but fun. I was ready for bed when I got home.

Friendships, Goals, Life, Writing

Long Overdue Catch-up

I can’t wait. In 2 days my best mate is coming to stay. We’re off to see Demi Lovato in concert.

From the sounds of it my friend, E has been having a bad time of it. Effecting her mental health. It will be good to have a proper catch-up. It’s been nearly 2 years since we last saw each other.

We write to one another regularly. E and I met in year 7; we were in the same form at school and did ICT together. Out of all our school friends, we’ve stuck around for one another.

At the right time, I want to ask her to be my maid of honour. It will be long overdue when we see each other. The eeks are bubbling.