Family, Life, Mental Health

Trying to go deeper in my writing

I’ve had moments or days over the past couple of weeks where I’ve retreated into my head. I’ve had no words. I’ve felt sorry for myself. I’m getting myself to the point I’m exhausted I can’t do anything but sleep.

I’ve a lot going on in my life. I don’t always face them when I should. I like to hide from the issues in my life. This isn’t something I wanna do. It’s like a habit I can’t shake. When I wrote that Taylor Swift song Shake it off came into my head. Then the Dwayne Johnson lip sing of that song came into my head. 

My mind likes to wander off. Whether its the right time or not. There are times I can over embellish my problems. Is that the right meaning? I can also talk a lot of crap too. At this point, I started going through my journal. 

I get mind blanks. I think of an event in the future and think of scenarios, making my anxiety levels go up.

How was my life today?

It’s not a good feeling for me to wake to have to defrost my car. I’ve never been a big fan of the cold. The only thing I like about winter is Christmas and I feel that’s all a fantasy in my head.

I had two customer calls then back home for me. I did a week’s worth of mileage, which took me an hour and a half. While messaging people and organising my pre-employment meeting for tomorrow.

I found that the security software people were taking £70 out of my account because of my control issues and trying to take over things this time last year. Thanks to my step-dad that is all resolved.

I’ve started or should I say I’ve started to continue watching Once Upon a Time again. I’m on season 3.

But then I needed to go back to a customer. The final one of the day. Three customers all before lunch ending? Not what I call a job in my books. In the respect that I wanna work a whole shift in one go over a number of hours and not go in and out like I’m currently doing.

While at that customer my mum asked if I could go to my grandparents earlier then I had planned so I said yes. Plus my mum had an appointment.

On my way there I spoke to my dad. Since his diagnoses with Multiple Sclerosis, a couple of years ago we’ve spoken more honest with each other and more often. How bad is it that a long-term health condition can be the reason to bring people closer together.

Once I got to my grandparents I was there for a good four hours. At a time I had, I’m not sure but is resentment the right word. The wanting to run away but I’m trapped, why can’t my mum come to tag me out feelings. Just admitting that makes me feel like the worse granddaughter ever.

My grandma has Alzheimer’s. She has shakes and her balance isn’t the best. She needs to have someone around 24/7 to ensure she’s safe. My grandad is her sole carer. He is in need of a pacemaker and has been needing corrections with his eyes.

It took me and mum, months to get grandad to agree to get carers in. We have them now every morning and twice a week in an afternoon. Today was one of those days, the reason I ended up going earlier than planned was due to the carer running late and not knowing when they would get there so my grandad cancelled.

That time is for my grandad to have a break. We didn’t want this taken away from him, so, hello me. My grandad was able to go swimming, do an odd job, then go to his eye appointment as was the original plan. That meant I got to spend time with my grandma.

Once I got home, I got frustrated with Dave as he didn’t see the text about starting dinner while I was on my way home. I quickly got over that. Once dinner was done, we watched a few more episodes of the Netflix original TV series Scream. A few more sittings and we’ll have finished it.

Having a heart to heart isn’t our thing. I’ve brought up the lack of communication before with Dave. I don’t want to keep sounding like a broken record. Most of that I believe is in my head; down to me retreating into my head. I suppose I find it hard to think of things to say or how to bring up conversations as it is.

I suppose that is the reason why I started journaling in the first place. I also believe this is the longest plus deepest I’ve gone in my writing. Full honesty discloser here. Maybe it’ll help me sleep at night. But then again it’s me feeling cold that’s preventing that. I think this is my honestly for one day. But I know I need to do it more.

Goals, Learning, Life

BSL Video Series: Asking and Responding to a Question (Name, Age, Live, Job)

For this months videos, I’m starting to show phrases, questioning and answering phrases that may be used when meeting BSL users mainly on first meetings. This can be things like what is your name or age, where you live or what is your job.

When asking and answering a question notice how the grammar is used in BSL:

Asking a question is signed differently than saying it out in the English Language. In BSL the questioning word is last. For example: What is your name? is signed Name you What? Then when it comes to answering the question, the response begins with the question then I gave my answer.

At the point of filming these videos, I was 26, I have since had a birthday or two, depending on when you are watching them.

Before I completed this video I learnt the signs for places and countries. These signs will be published in the next months’ video series post.

I signed my job as a nurse as it was the closest one to a care worker out of the signs I was learning. Do you know the sign for care worker? The work signs that I have learnt will be published in the coming posts in the series.

Previous: Greetings

Next: Place Names and Countries.

Goals, Learning, Life

BSL Video Series: Greetings

Before putting signs together to make conversations with other BSL users; the following video shows single sign phrases for basic greetings.

As you can see there are similarities using the same sign. Here it is easier to understand if you are aware of the context of the conversation, facial expressions, body language and lip patterns.

Signing isn’t just about signing with your hands. It’s a language where face and body are just as important.

Previous: Colours

Next Asking and Responding to a Question (Name, Age, Live and Job)

 

Life, Stratejoy, Writing

Do you know your purpose?

This morning I did the purpose circle done by Molly Mahar over at Stratejoy. Her community circles are always thought provoking for me.

My intention for doing this circle was to have more understanding of what I’d like for myself and my purpose. To answer the questions to help me get there, understand the meaning and to help me fall in love with my life.

During the circle Molly read a lovely essay she’d written. From this essay I thought I didn’t fully understand my true purpose. That my messy but beautiful life is going in the right direction. When I know my purpose, I’ll know, that’ll lead me to know which way to continue on my path. That my purpose doesn’t have to effect a wide circle. That it’s allowed to be small.

Right now, purpose for me feels guilty because I don’t know mine. That it’s a job I should be doing. That I need to be living and breathing it 24/7. Guilty that I’m not. That I’m just living.

I got stumped on what my memories were where I was using my gifts. What have I done to show these? My memory isn’t good. My past fades quickly. When others have said good things about my life, it’s been for helping animals or others. That I’ll be a good nurse, kindness and good as an admin.

Do I listen to what life is telling me? I feel I have some moments of listening. But majority of the time I miss the signs and gloss over hearing what could have been said.

So far from the circle, I’ve realised that I don’t have to have a big purpose that effects others. I should listen to what life is telling me. That my purpose doesn’t have to be my job. It could be a way of living, of which parts can be expressed through my job. The authentic, kind and helpful part of me, I know to be true about who I am and why I am here. That my family and mental health is something that means a lot for me. That I want to help in the world, so it can be a better place.

I try to control everything. I’m an undecided person, I need to listen more. I guess I’m scared of failing but also succeeding. Pretending I’m not on the right path when deep down I know what is wrong.

With doing this circle, it’s helped me think more of my purpose. It makes me want to set a purpose statement. I want to get out of my head, feel I have a connection with my life.

New Goal > set a purpose statement

Goals, Life

‘Conflicting Emotions’

My mind and my heart run through conflicting emotions. I feel or think one thing one day, then the next it could be completely different. Sometimes it stays the same. I rarely fully understand what it is I want.

I’m going through life but not fully understanding. Does it mean I’m living to the fullest or not?

Hopefully by goals for Q4 of deep down journalling and getting shit done will allow that question to be answered.


Watched: Anon > 1 out of 5

Goals, Life

My Goal of Getting Shit Done

I feel worries that I’ll call back into the habit of not doing anything. Just watching telly all the time. That I’ll daily at Getting Shit Done.

This evening I got some shit done. Mileage! The bane of my life but if I want to claim back what I can be entitled to I need to but the evidence to the Government. When the cut off date for this year came I was no way meet completing. To the point I still haven’t.

Which also means I haven’t started this current years either. Mileage is just plain boring, but it’s something shit that I need to get done.

This evening I got back into it. I made check lists for last year’s claim and made a start. I checked one of the boxes off my list.

Then I took time to relax. I think that’s where I went wrong yesterday. My mind was still wired when I went to sleep and having to leg room to move made me frustrated. I did get to sleep but woke with my right arm numb, above my head. I must move about as I don’t go to sleep with my arm there.

With my worries, and my goal to Get Shit Done. I don’t want to be hard on myself or put myself down. What I did yesterday and this evening was great. I’ve done something to get closer to my end goal. Ultimately that is the aim of Getting Shit Done.

I should be proud of myself for that. No, wait! I am proud of myself for that. I am now going to read to help turn my mind off. Get myself to sleep easier tonight.

Life, Writing

Q3 Review 2018

It’s been a good no telly Tuesday. Productive. We bought insulation for the house and decided on the paints for all but 2 rooms.

It was the Q3 review call for the Holiday Council. To begin with I tried to do it while cooking and eating dinner. I was stop starting it and wasn’t getting much of the review done. Then my parents came home so I decided to try out my mum’s new home office.

Doing it this way I was more productive, I got my review done.


I feel like I’m not being me completely. I’m being lazy. I feel guilty for not doing things I feel I should have done. I feel I’m partially being the person I want to be for my family and friends.

In the last 3 months we’ve booked our wedding venue and photographer. We’ve bought a house and getting it renovated. I’ve started my BSL video series.

The thing I’m beginning to finally accept is that I’m overwhelming myself, then I don’t do anything but what telly. Then I start to comfort eat. I do start somethings but lose interest or motivation. No matter the time or money spent, I am being more deliberate with my yes and no when it comes to work.

I think I’m embodying easefulness more into the point of laziness. I’m not doing the things I need to do or have experiences. I’m not always present in the now. Fully enjoying myself.

What I’m craving is Getting Shit Done. Check lists or step by step of goals to achieve the big goals is my aim to help me achieve Getting Shit Done.


I started this evening after my review with the BSL video series. I’ve done more posts and I’ve been making a check list of what I need to do or come back to at a later date.

I like this idea so I’m gonna try this for my every day tasks and goals too. By doing this I hope that by the new quarter, which is in the New Year, that I’ll have done most of my back log of to-dos and courses I’ve signed up for.