I think I’m in a funk. Not sure how else to describe it. My parents say I’m fed up. I feel like I’m retreating a bit when it’s coming to my mood and mind. I’ve been having anxious dreams the last couple of nights.
I don’t have that burst of energy or positivity keeping me going right now. I’ve tried to still go about my day. I did some yoga, BSL and blog update. I’ve also been working throughout the day. I got to a point I couldn’t do any more goals today.
Instead, I watched some The Librarians; I’m now on Season 3. Again I’m hoping a good night sleep will do me good.
Being healthy is something I want to be an ongoing Big Dream Goal. With my Christmas vouchers, I bought a VeryFit Smart Band. A fitness tracker. It’s just arrived. As I don’t always walk around with my phone, I’ll be able to see if I get close to my 10,000 steps per day target.
The other thing it does is a sleep tracker. I will hopefully see if I have deep, shallow or walking sleep. There’s an app for the smartphone that links up to record the data stored for up to 7 days on the band itself.
A bonus it shows me when I get a text message and a phone call too. I may not check my phone as much for notifications.
A fitness tracker may not achieve my Big Dream Goal but it can be a step to see what I’m doing. May spur me on a bit more.
Tiredness has taken over. Tiredness is the reason I didn’t end up writing last night. I’m still feeling it now. It’s strange I didn’t use to have tiredness effect me this much.
There was a time where I woke at first light. I got up out of bed no problem. I had to have a quiet and dark surroundings. I couldn’t sleep with lights, telly, radio or people around me.
If the telly was too loud downstairs, I had to go ask for it to be turned down. I found it hard to sleep in a bed that wasn’t mine. Whether having a sleepover or away on holiday.
It’s like my mind has flipped a switch.
Most of the time when going to bed, I still need quite and darkness but that isn’t necessarily the case. I fall asleep during films, in the middle of the day. Sat on the sofa having conversations. Lights and noise have reduced keeping me up.
Having a lie in wasn’t a thing for me especially in the summer months. As soon as the sun rose I was awake. 8 am was the latest I was laying in to. Now it could be 11 am before I get out of bed.
When you hear your mum say “That’s not like you”. You know something has changed.
Through the tiredness, I’ve still had a good couple of days. Volunteering, seeing family and friends and seeing the Christmas Panto: Alladin.
I feel my body is fighting me. My legs haven’t stopped twitching since August. My tiredness hasn’t improved. My hip and lower back are intermittently aching. I find it hard to get comfy.
I’ve started to link my stomach aches and unusual bowel movements to times when I have milk or chocolate. Can you become lactose intolerant part way through life?
I booked an appointment to see my doctor to discuss it all. Just have to wait a couple of weeks. I’m gonna check for cancellations regular now I’m signed up for the online system.
I went to my doctors yesterday about seeing how I was doing on my anti-depressants. It’s been about 5 weeks now. I’ve blogged about my leg twitches, my headaches and sickness. I’ve been having chest pains too.
All of these I mentioned. He believes they are symptoms of my stress and anxiety. As anxiety, fear and stress are my overpowering issues. He has recommended a self-help book by Christopher Williams: Overcoming Anxiety, Stress and Panic.
My doctor showed me the first edition of the Overcoming Depression book by the same author. It looked good. Has questions and activities to complete. My doctor also said if I have any questions from doing the workbook. I should write them down and book an appointment to see him.
I thought that was really good. He wants to help me get better and answering questions about what I’ve done or don’t understand is something he is willing to do. So far, other doctors, I’ve met, I feel like I couldn’t do that.
They want you in and out as quick as possible. He wants me to come back just to chat if I need it.
Another thing he would like me to do is work on slowing down my breathing. That breathing is going back to haunt me. Think I need to listen. I breathe too fast. Which isn’t helped by stress or anxiety. In turn, causes my headaches and chest pains.
I’ve been working on this today. I’m even doing it now. Breathing in for 3 seconds and then out for 3 seconds. One breath cycle should be 6 seconds; 10 breaths a minute. I can do between 20 and 40 breaths a minute normally.
No wonder I feel panicked all the time. I noticed I feel a little calmer after a few minutes of breathing slowly. Unfortunately, I go back to my fast breathing if I’m not being mindful of it.
A new goal. It’s been a while since I made one of those.
Goal: Slow my breathing down to 10 breaths a minute
It may be hard in the long run but hopefully having the foal will mean I practice the breathing techniques. Having the sense of relaxation would be a bonus.
There are two emotions I want to process today. I went to visit my Grandma C today. The first time in two months. She has changed massively. She is a different person. Cancer has taken over. To the point, I believe she has given up.
I felt guilty that I’ve put off seeing her to too long. I’ve no excuse. I’ve had plenty of chances. I just didn’t want to go. Like, there was that fear of seeing her.
She slept the whole time. I said hello and goodbye with hugs and kisses; which she woke to. She also responded a couple of times when I asked her if she was OK or needed anything.
My guilt changed to sadness.
It’s not nice seeing a family member that way. Thankfully, I wasn’t alone. My Auntie J was there, then my Uncle A arrived not long after I did. We all caught up with each other.
It was hard leaving my Grandma like that. I want to see her more often. No excuse. No fear. Just go!
I said to my friend B, earlier today that I believe my Grandma won’t make it to the New Year. I hope to be wrong but seeing her suffer, even with medication is hard for me. If it’s hard for me. How is my Grandma processing it?
Maybe giving up is her way of processing it?
I love you Grandma C. Your in my heart always.
It’s been one of those days. I had dreamt of a customer medication I’d been to at the beginning of the week. I woke an hour and a half before my alarm. Wide awake. Waking up with a concern about the same customer’s medication running in my head.
Usually writing things down allows me to go back to sleep. Unfortunately, I couldn’t. Being too early I couldn’t ring my supervisor to report the concern. A while later at my first customer, I got a call cancelling my second.
I got to go home early but only worked an hour today. I got on with my day.
Around lunchtime, I got the sad news that my main customer past away. Definitely knocked me out of my hyperactive mindset. This was a hard moment. Thankfully, my mum was home. She was able to give me a hug. Plus, the dogs gave me kisses.
Again, after a while, I got on with my day.
Had the embarrassing moment of knocking an ornament off a shelf display in a card shop. Right at the front of the store by the tills. Everyone saw. Thankfully the staff were nice and I didn’t have to pay for it.
I was so glad when Dave (my other half) and I got to my dads’ house. We sat, relaxed and had a catch-up. I do feel more open with my dad since his Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis. I feel he’s more open with me too.