Watched: Hurricane > 2 out of 5
I’ve been on a set of nights the past 3. During the day I’ve been focused on sleeping during the day, with that and my lack of drive to do much of anything. I’ve not done what I would usually do. Journalling is one of them.
I’m getting to the point of feeling I don’t want to go any further with my relationship. I’m gonna and need to really think about it, as it’s not doing me any favours. I feel if it wasn’t for the house I would have walked by now. Doesn’t that say a lot?
I’m beginning to mix both productive and me time to-dos into my no-telly day rather than one or the other. Having done this I feel like I’ve done something without feeling like I’ve neglected myself.
But I’ve still got my relationship status niggling at me. But I’m not really processing things like I should. I’m coasting along waiting for something to happen. Maybe I’m waiting for a sign.
Right now, I feel I need someone else to decide for me. It’ll be easier than going through the mind mush I’m feeling.
I think doing a month of nights has helped me to build my confidence up. Starting days today, I felt more settled about it. Even got proposed to by a patient. I did turn them down.
With my relationship, I feel I’m going towards the end side of things rather than stay.
Being at work has been a Godsend. I’ve not thought much of anything. I’ve been present in the moment. That’s something I need to work on throughout my personal life.
Today, I’m grateful for my dad ringing me to check in; to see if I’m ok. Being there and not making me rush my mind. Where I feel my step-dad is rushing me. That’s something in his nature but it isn’t helping me. It’s putting me down in mood since I got home from work. I was feeling good before I walked in the door.
Watched: Us > 1 out of 5
Dave and I had a date night last night. It wasn’t a bad date. I felt more like I was going out with a friend throughout the whole evening. At the end of the date, Dave asked how I felt about things.
Me: about in what way
Me: I don’t feel any difference in how I feel and if it wasn’t for the house potentially I would have already said goodbye to us already. That I think we need to go back to the beginning.
Dave: What do you mean by that.
Me: Having space and going back to dating
Dave: would it be a good idea if I go back to my parents’ house and if it will be full time or part-time.
Dave: if you think it will work
Me: I’m not saying it will or that it won’t. I’d rather try something then not do anything at all.
Dave: Ok, I’ll ask my dad tomorrow (as in today) and move out Sunday.
We’re not broken but we’re not gonna be living together for a bit at least to see if it helps.
Me: how do you feel?
Dave: that it’s something worth trying rather than doing nothing. It’ll be strange living back with my parents and that I’ll be down for a couple of days but I’ll be ok.
I also spoke to him at the end of that date about him moving back to his parents. Just cause he’s moving back to his parents he needs to be independent. It shouldn’t mean his parents do everything for him still. He said he understood what I meant. I don’t know if his parents know the full extent of what is going on with us or anything at all. But having a girls day before our date night made me feel good about being honest with Dave wholeheartedly.
Dave has moved out. He’s taken some of his things; not all of them. I’ve been sorting my room out this evening and moved the majority of his things into a wardrobe so I can think clearly about things. It’s gonna go one of two ways. We continue life together as a couple or we don’t. The couple way is the easiest but that shouldn’t be the reason to stay. Hoping dating will allow a spark to be re-alight.
I’ve also been updating a couple of people who have no clue what’s been going on. One of whom has been Dave’s sister. I’m still waiting for a reply on what I’ve said to her. So, I’ll have to see. I have no clue what they’re gonna be like. Apparently, Dave told his dad we’re in a bump and that we’re gonna live separately until moving into the house to see if that helps. As far as I’m aware no details more or if he’s talking to anyone else about things.
It’s been 24 hours since Dave has moved out. I’ve spent my day at work so, today I haven’t thought about ‘us’ much. I’ve messaged him. To begin with, it’s cause I’ve felt I should do. Usually, after work, I’m all in a rush if I’ve had to do but this evening there’s been things I’ve needed to do but it hasn’t felt completely rushed. I’ve done more than I usually would have done.
So, far I haven’t been totally successful with my Take a Minute journal. I am gonna come back to this one. Last week my Happiness Planner arrived. I’ve started the questions last week and planned to start my 100 days today. I wasn’t successful at answering all the questions but I did start my Day 1 today and answered some more of the questions. I’ll try to do the others tomorrow or Wednesday. I’m hoping that doing the 100-day Happiness Planner that I feel or see a change in my habits by the end of it.
I’m feeling more confident at work now but I’m running my mouth where I shouldn’t at times. I need to work on this and be mindful of what and when I say things before I get into trouble. I’m already feeling anxiety over it so I know within myself it’s a bad thing. It needs to stop.
Unfortunately, we’ve received some bad news today in the family. 2 weeks ago my grandad had a mole removed which has turned back as cancerous. We are now waiting for an appointment with the consultant so we can know more about things and to what extent it’s affected him. My grandma is also, unfortunately, getting more confused and to the point, she is unable to stand without assistance. She is getting that thinking look when we come around before realising we’re her family. As my mum said ‘if it doesn’t rain, it pours.
It’s been my first day since Dave moved out. I’ve had things to do. I’ve had time to also do a review of my Q1 and make my Q2 goals, watch a film and go to a leaving do. Although my anxiety and depression are better then it used to be, I’m still getting anxiety flushes. I felt some today about the leaving do, I went through ‘I’m not going’ to ‘I’ve already said I’ll go’ a number of times before the event.
I went but I’mm not good at the talking part of a social event but I got through it and had a lovely meal with some of my work colleagues.
I was put into a funk mood due to something that happened at work. It made me feel I wasn’t good enough to do what it is I’m doing. It’s put me in a downer for the rest the day.
A good thing that came out of my work is that I’ve passed my Care Certificate training.
Finished Reading: The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
Authentic Kick-Starter Course
Day 9, Part 1 Continued > I suppose that I feel like when I make a connection with someone I hope it to stay with us. I have been vulnerable but cannot see that vulnerability back. I fear that there isn’t that vulnerability connection available.
Day 10, Part 1 Continued > Learning is something that I like but to have to fail to learn something doesn’t feel right to me. Getting out of that comfort zone is something failure comes under for me. I’ve been brave and had a conversation about what I need out of our relationship. I’ve tried to get his needs and what he appreciates but that vulnerability and his needs aren’t clear. I’ve asked, with the conversation in a different way but this isn’t coming across easily.
I’m glad to have my family and friends around me. We had a lovely family meal and my friend has booked us a spa day together in just over a months time. Certainly, something to look forward to. Especially, with everything that’s been going on.
I’m still in my head. Tomorrow I need to try more to get myself out of it as I have a shift to work on Monday. I need to be on my game and not let what got me in a funk keep me feeling this way.
My telly obsession is getting in the way of me focusing on myself and my goals. Maybe I should have a year off from the TV like I did with social media and chocolate. Least the year of no chocolate has stuck past its year.
Focusing on me in the present is clearly something I’m avoiding. It’s something I need to get through regardless of how hard it might be.
My grandparents had health problems that needed seeing to today, which meant I was focusing on them today.