Life

1st – 15th Feb 2019

1st Feb

You know it’s been a long day when you start to pour your bottled water in the bin. I usually head to the sink but for some reason, I headed to the bin.

I felt good about this week with work. For once I felt I could be in the right place. I need to work on my communication though. To feel comfortable with what I’m saying to both staff and patients.


3rd Feb

I want to live authentically, honest and true; to my self, for myself, to be myself.

I don’t feel I’m living up to this. I still worry about what others think. I still let others plant seeds into my head. I’m still not giving myself, my voice about the things in my life and what I want.

I guess I still feel anxious and fearful. These feelings and thoughts are preventing me from shining through.


4th Feb

I’ve got such a busy mind lately that I’m finding it has to have insights into life. I need a quiet mind to help me achieve these and I need to go back from 30 miles a second mind frame. I’ve done it before, I’ll be able to do it again. It’s just getting back to that point and being able to stay there.


5th Feb

Boundaries Exercise: who’s who on the family board.

Who was your family chief executive officer (fceo) > my mum

Do I feel they did a good job > for a single working mum she did the best she could and has raised me right. I just wish there were more mother/daughter moments when growing up.

Do I feel I want to live up that parent? Do I feel I can? > Yes I would love to be able to raise any child I have similar to my mum and I feel I can do that. I just want to include a closeness and an open talking door policy.

Do I look forward to every day or am I relieved they are over? > I feel 50/50 on this. I feel glad about working days about my new job. I feel glad on days off now in regards to my relationship.

I don’t assume others see me in a certain way but I’m sure they do. I wouldn’t even know which way.

If in a couple, are you centred and secure, worried or resentful? > Last month I would have said centred and secure, no I’m worried and resentful. I’m feeling like I’m dating a person who doesn’t know responsibility, true responsibility or know what thoughts and feelings the actions done/not done caused by them and not thinking of the other person, just their self. That actions given aren’t the ones they are showing in meaning that was going into a companionable rut. They are not sure who to get out in the way I’d like. That I’m resenting the laid back approach that caused him to not notice me. Causing me to feel unhappy and worry about our future.


6th Feb

A companionable rut – I believe that’s how I’m feeling about our relationship. We may be able to get out of it, I don’t know. I’ve basically had a headache all day, I can’t shift it. I’m taking it to be due to how I’m feeling/not feeling and my thoughts about our relationship.

I know things can’t be perfect but I know I can’t take feeling like this all the time.


7th Feb

When I woke early this morning, I wasn’t expecting to find my mum unwell. Nor did I expect to be waiting in a&e all day after calling an ambulance. My mum’s not a crier so when she was crying due to the pain she was in; I knew she was bad.

We spent from 9am to 5:30pm in a&e. When 5:30pm came around, she was finally moved to a ward for overnight checks. Hopefully, she’ll be feeling better and start to eat, plus keep it down. I’m afraid today she didn’t want to try eating. It took her all day to attempt to have sips of water.

Once mum was in her room and a nurse had been to see her, my step-dad and I went home. After showering myself, by which point it had been 24 hours since I last ate a proper meal or a drink. After a while, my stomach started to complain but I think that was more down to my IBS.

I ended up going back to the hospital to take my mum some overnight things. Hopefully, all is well tomorrow and she’ll come home.


8th Feb

My confidence is something I need to build up in the workplace. I felt embarrassed at one point today as I’m still not 100% what can or cannot be done on the wards.

My mum came back from the hospital. She’s not 100% better but she’s well enough to come home. She’s been given a new tablet dose and has to go for outpatient appointment tests to follow up. Now it’s to try to get her better.


9th Feb

I might not be 100% there with my confidence in speaking but I hoped I proved myself in some of the physical sides to the job today. I tried not to shy away and I got involved. I want to be apart of the team and not hide away behind others or from the situation.


10th Feb

Watched: How to Train your Dragon: The Hidden World > 3.5 out of 5

I’ve talked about my confidence or lack of, I’ve talked about my mental health, I’ve more recently moaned about others lack of self-knowledge and meeting expectations.

I talk about this but I still don’t fully know myself, what my body love is or what love and feelings of true self are for me.

How do I expect others to be a certain way, and have the connection with others if I don’t know what it is, I want, know or feel?

How do I get to the point of this understanding and love for myself?

I’ve definitely had a negative mindset of late. I’m unable to find the path to the positive as I’ve been basing this change on other actions that aren’t coming as fast as I’d like them to be. I’m in charge of my mindset, not them. I need to be the one to go from the negative to the positive mindset. Living my life the way I want and not relying on others to be the change is going to have to be part of it.

I’ve a lack of meaning and purpose right now.

I have one with my new job but that’s only one side of me. The while of me needs to be happy, have that meaning and purpose. But is that everything?

We change the things around us. We change or shift even when we don’t see it do so.

Do I need to find myself or just understand the self and the world within and around me? I need to feel good. Maybe finding that feel good feeling is my true self-meaning.


11th Feb

My normal state these days is anger and frustration. It’s all getting directed at Dave. But he’s not saying or doing anything. He’s dismissive of all I’ve been like to him over the last 3 weeks. Quite possibly the last 4 years.

I want him to speak up! I feel if I said go, he’d just accept it and go. There doesn’t seem to be anything, giving him the natural umph, to do something or say something otherwise. It frustrates me more.

I’ve said more about it to B today and we’re having a girly night Wednesday, where I’ll say more.

But right now, I’m more emotional and loyal towards a TV show then I am to my fiance. That’s not who I want to be.


12th Feb

Just Meh…


13th Feb

What is my intention for this circle? For this time of self-connection? > I want to sit and think of what it is I want an abundance of. What is going through my head, to help me process any small thing, find answers for what I’m looking for? Focus on me and not al the stress I’m going through.

Essay Reaction. What does abundance stir for me? > Being able to feel worthy in all I do. Valued in what I give out. Not have to worry about money, love, family, friends. Having connections with others that are life-changing. Respect. Reliance. Worthiness.

I am Enough. I do Enough.

How am I believing in my own enoughness right now? Where am I appreciative of my abundance? > That I am earning the right amount of salary right now. Being able to work 3 or 4 days a week. To have the time to myself and work on the things I want to do, need to do. I am appreciative of my family being there for me and helping with the house. This is the enoughness to live independently.

Where and how am I believing a myth of scarcity right now? > I feel that my relationship is the myth in my life right now. That it isn’t enough to be there for the rest of my life. I feel my lack of confidence is a myth that it’s in me but I’m not letting it out. I know what to do but carrying out what I do means I feel I’ll be judged. [That I am already a mother and not a mum]


14th Feb

Happy Valentine’s Day. The day of Love. Why it’s celebrated as the day I don’t know. Well I know there’s a history etc but I mean in the fact those that love one another should express their love every day, someway or another.

My day was a 12-hour shift, my first type of busy one too. I thought it went well considering. I got a happy valentines day message from Dave in the morning and a message on his way home from work asking if I wanted a full body massage. I said yes and was selfish not letting it go to anything further.

I’m happy after my rants to G and B yesterday about my feelings on mine and Dave’s relationship. Something might happen to spur Dave on to up his game.


15th Feb

I had a few moments were I doubted myself and kept thinking others were talking about me. It’s in my head. Others may have spoken about me but that isn’t my problem, it’s there. The doubts about myself are in my head. I need to believe in myself.

Goals, Life

BSL Video Series: Spare Time Signs

There’s a number of spare time activities to learn, more then I have learnt in this series. Many of them, however, have obvious body movements. Be careful when watching, as a couple of signs have similar actions, for example, Cricket and Hockey. Think about the small differences; how the bat or stick is held and lip patterns.

Whether the activities are those you’re interested in or not; it’s still good to learn them. If it’s an interest of someone else, you’ll understand them. As there are quite a few signs, I’ve split them up into alphabetical videos. Some letters may be combined if there’s only one or two for that letter.

B:

  1. Basketball
  2. Birdwatching

C:

  1. Car Racing
  2.  Computer Games
  3.  Computers
  4. Cricket
  5. Cycling

D and F:

  1. Dancing
  2. Driving
  3. Football
  4. Fishing

G and K:

  1. Going to a Resturant
  2. Going to the Cinema
  3. Kayaking

L and M:

  1. Listening to the Radio
  2. Meeting my Friends
  3. Music

P:

  1. Playing the Guitar
  2. Playing the Piano
  3. Playing the Violin

R:

  1. Reading
  2. Relaxing
  3. Rugby
  4. Running

S:

  1. Sailing
  2. Sewing
  3. Sign Language
  4. Signing

S continued and T:

  1. Skiing
  2. Surfing
  3. Swimming
  4. Tennis

W:

  1. Walking
  2. Watching TV
  3. Watching Videos
  4. Writing

That is a lot to learn. To break up this post I will continue the likes, dislikes and loves of spare time activities on the next post in the series. Take the time to process the spare time signs.

Previous: Describing Family Members

Next: Love, Like and Dislike with Spare Time Signs

journal entries, Life

16th-31st January 2019

16th January

I’ve been told I’m gonna be a permanent member of the ward. I’ve had my vaccinations too. My arm I had my Hep B vaccine is aching.

Wow.

I’m even boring myself writing this.

Basically, I’m annoyed.

All because Dave forgot his keys. It’s not the first time. I’m annoyed because I’m having to take responsibility for him and have to think for the both of us 24/7 and I’m tired.

Right now, I’m annoyed that I haven’t helped him be independent. I’ve mothered him like he’s used to when he lived at his parents where he didn’t have to think about anything for himself. It needs to change otherwise we won’t end the year, never mind 50 years together.


17th January

I don’t know what to do with myself. Do I lay it all on the table? What do I lay on the table? I don’t know what it is I want to lay on the table.

Dave: Is anything wrong?

Me: I don’t know

Dave: Maybe see how you are tomorrow.

Me: I’m annoyed at him yesterday about the keys

Dave: Fair enough

Is that a good enough response to my feelings? So far, there’s no sign of what we’re having for dinner tomorrow. If nothing gets taken out of the freezer tonight, there’s only one thing that can be cooked from frozen.

Yesterday, I told him I need him to step up with making dinner more. He’s to cook dinner 3 days a week from Friday; so that he cooks, Fridays, Sundays and Mondays. Not just cook, he needs to decide what we’re having, get it out of the freezer and make sure it’s on the shopping list.

So, how I feel tomorrow is going to depend on that outcome. I believe he’s told me he’s gonna meet me at the house without me prompting and he’s gonna get the bus home, so least that’s a step.

To be fair, I had to say to him a few months ago that he needs to stop assuming I’m taking him to and from work and that I’ll only take him if I say I will. He wasn’t even asking me for a lift, just waiting for the time and let’s go type of behaviour. I’m not a taxi or his mum to do everything and cook 24/7.

He needs to grow up and act like a man.


18th January

2 weeks of CC training theory has come to an end. I’ve a couple more standards and then I’m finished. That’ll be next week as they are paying me to do it then.

I ended up mentioning my frustrations to Dave. I first did it via text as that’s where our conversation was at the time. I got a see you soon reply. He seemed pissed off on arrival but didn’t say anything to me for a good couple of hours.

Back at my parents, he was making idle chit chat. I ended up having to say something.

Me: are we going to talk about the message from earlier.

Dave: (defensively) I didn’t think that was all that needed to be done.

That was all. So I went on to say how I felt about things. I did use the I feel that… rather than saying you’ve not done this or that.

Dave: he’d do better.

All I can do now is see if he does do better. A man with little words. Here’s hoping the actions take light.


19th January

One of my goals is to see Eddie Hall at a strongman event. This I have done this evening. We went to Britain’s Strongest Man 2019. Eddie Hall wasn’t competing though. This is something if like to see.

Tonight he was a commentator. I really got into it, shouting names. I supported all but my heart was for Bishop to win. Although he didn’t come first he went on the podium.

For the full event, it’s online or going live on telly in December.

We got a good done at the house. Finished the trade coat in the bathroom and the main bed; minus around the window due to the new plaster and Dave got one with some sanding.

He had his grumpy face on today until we went out. Apparently, he woke like that. Hopefully, tomorrow will be different.


20th January

Quite a bit of painting got done this weekend. It’s starting to come together. Next weekend the bathroom will be in, it’ll be nice to have at least one working room.

Dave and I still haven’t had a proper conversation. I’ve tried to ask him his thoughts but I don’t get much of an answer. It would be nice to know what he’s thinking, least then things can move forward rather than stay at a standstill.

I really don’t know where my heart stands right now. Dave needs to give me a bit more. It’s like he’s lost his spark, the person I fell in love with. I don’t know how to help him unless he talks to me


21st January

I’ve been able to talk to a friend about my feelings towards Dave. Right now, he clarified most of it perfectly:

“You want him to do stuff off this own back, be it romantic, making you feel at the forefront of his kind by doing household jobs or DIY, enthusiasm and excitement for you and your ventures together with the house and marriage”

It’s been nice to talk to someone about how I’m feeling. Just listening to me to offload everything. He doesn’t seem it’s a hard task to do. But still, I don’t know Dave’s feelings or thinking which don’t help.

I know I’ll have the answers. No one else can give them to me. Dave’s input would help me. I feel these are warning signs.


22nd January

My thoughts are on overdrive. My mind is going 150 miles a second. My thoughts on my relationship are causing my sleep pattern to go down. My body is stressed. I can tell from the pain in my chest and head I’m trying to process all my thoughts.

I’m sharing them with Dave. I’m not sure they’re going through. I was speaking to my stepdad about this and he told me about his and my mum’s thoughts as they have noticed things too.

On Dave’s break, he messaged me asking what I was up too. I said I was speaking to my stepdad. Dave asked me how it went and what we talked about. I said that my stepdad was asking me if we were ok. Dave said he thinks we are, then apologised for being grumpy the last few days.

He then asked me my thoughts. I asked him again why he was grumpy and then said I don’t think we’re 100% no I don’t think we’re ok. He replied to the grumpy part; apparently, a part of it was due to a painful ear. Nothing was mentioned about what I said about not being ok. No, why or anything.

I’ll have to see if anything is said when he gets home. I need to get my mind quieter to help me get my understanding of what I really want / should do.

Plus to help my own health. I don’t want to go back to where I was with my mental health.


23rd January

I’m just at the point I don’t know what/how to think about things. Dave came home from work asking me if I feel better. I wasn’t sure how to answer. I’m not sick. Just telling him my side of things doesn’t make me feel better, just like that. He said over time it’ll change. I can’t wait to feel better. But if / when I feel better I’m not sure right now if it’s gonna be the answer he wants.

I haven’t said about my loss of love in him. If he doesn’t better things it may come back, it may not.


24th January

It was the end of the MAV training today. We did a short BLS training too. The end of MAV meant test training. When it came to the role-playing part, I’m not a fan, but as this could happen and it’s confrontational, I’m scared. That I don’t know what to say or I’ll do the wrong thing.

Usually, I want to run away by now. But I don’t want to go back to square one and I’ll never accomplish anything. I need to do this for myself. I need to overcome my fears.


25th January

Watched: Res Sparrow > 3.5 out of 5

I’ve decided to do a change to my blog post scheduling. Instead of publishing each post daily, around 10 days after the event, I am going to have two posts per month for my journal entries.

For example, on the 16th of the month, I’ll publish days 1-15 of the month. One the 1st of the next month I’ll publish 16-28-31st of the month.

As I have published days 1-15 of January already, I’m going to start with 16-31st January on the 1st of Feb. Things will be more up-to-date and hopefully, it’ll flow a little more.

It’ll give me more time, a way of simplifying things for me without stopping the blog, which I don’t want to do. I still want to share my experiences. My BSL posts will continue to be as normal, twice a month until the series has finished. Any posts to do with goals or have a topic meaning to me these will become published as soon as I’ve finished writing. They won’t be waiting until the journal entry posts.

I’m going to see how these work out. See if it helps my mind de-stress a little. I want to bring back my love for journalling to when I first started.


26th January

We got some painting done at the house and my stepdad has got through half of the bathroom. It’s starting to look like a house now. I’m gonna continue tomorrow but I think I’m gonna rest Monday. I start on the wards Tuesday and I feel I’m coming down with something so I’m gonna take it easy. It’ll be nice to finish off the bedroom and the living room tomorrow.

I told Dave I’m not sure how I feel about us but he’s still expecting me to say I love you. I take it he didn’t fully understand what I meant by that so I’m gonna have to speak to him again about it. We’ll see how he reacts to what I meant originally.


27th January

Well, I told Dave what I originally meant by ‘I’m not sure how I feel about us’ he said that’s what he thought I meant but I had to say to him that I’m not saying I love you because I feel sick/guilty for saying it. He seems to have accepted this.

Today I’m frustrated and tired by everything. I’ve had my mum asking me what’s going on; are we staying together or breaking up. She doesn’t want to continue putting money into it if we’re not. I understand that. I love the house. I’m not sure I love Dave enough to spend the rest of my life with him.

After dinner we had another talk:

Me: what do you want out of life?

Dave: the house and kids

Me: take me and the house out of the equation. What do you want out of life?

Dave: I don’t know. Getting the Wednesday shift on the other department is making work better. But I don’t want to be there the rest of my life. But I don’t want to move anywhere else. I don’t know what I want out of life outside of work.

Me: how come living together 9 months and it’s taken this long and for me to point out that he doesn’t help unless asked

Dave: he didn’t notice how much I do.

Me: did you notice me? How come you didn’t notice how much I do?

Dave: no answer.

Me: I’m blank, I don’t know how to think or feel.

Dave: I don’t know what to do it say to help.

After that, I gave up trying to understand. Dave says he’s trying to process what I’ve told him yesterday but carrying on as nothing is wrong.

I’m at a stalemate. Stuck where I am. Waiting for an answer to fall into my lap.


28th January

Finished: Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed

Boundary Exercise:

Visualisation > standing in a field, the birds singing, trees around, the sun shining. I felt free, at peace. When I saw my boundary line come up. It was a full thick black line at arm’s length all the way around me. When I saw my boundary line I felt it wasn’t inviting or flexible to me. When the people in my life appeared in my boundary, they were all within it causing me anxiety, fear, frustration, guilt, feeling of sickness, like I was trapped. I did not feel secure at all.

What might be the perfect boundary for me?

I feel my boundary would have those closest to me outside my line where there are doors to my boundary line. They can knock to give permission to cross at the right time. Those who aren’t close but in my life would be further out would be able to message or come closer to knock. There would be windows on my boundary so that we can wave to each other.

Getting to know me exercise (from the past week):

Cared for me or taken a moment to myself > today I read this morning and this evening

Have criticised or felt disappointment in myself > Painting the living room and bedroom but not finishing them

Care for another > helping my mum with her washing

Criticised someone else > Dave

Though about something that’s a reflection owed to my parents > Dave and getting things done at the house

Enjoyed a spontaneous moment with friends > No

Did I laugh at a ridiculous situation > no

Felt frightened but known to be irrational > thinking getting hurt at my new job

Have I sulked or deliberately started a fight > yes, at Dave

Consciously pleasing to another > Not this past week

Overall:

I spent time being critical of myself or others. I’m afraid I have not been taking time for myself or spending it with others or caring. I aim to please others most of the time. I don’t enjoy moments of spontaneous fun like I should do.

No wonder I’ve gone at Dave like I have, even though he did need a wake-up call.


29th January

I had my first shift on the ward today. It was nice to experience the ward. I felt like giving Dave a hug this evening. I felt I missed him as well. I told him that and he said he’ll give me a hug when he got home, which he did. After not a very good sleep last night and being tired after my 12-hour shift I’m feeling tired right now so I’m hoping I’ll sleep better this evening.


30th January

It was nice having a day off after my first shift yesterday. Be interesting how I feel over the next couple having 2 shifts in a row. I’m sure I’ll be fine.
It wasn’t all rest though. I got the main bed and living room painting done. I did a few odd jobs, mileage and watched some telly. I also prepared tomorrows dinner as well to save me the time after my long day shift. I hope to make a habit of doing pasta dishes the day before to help reduce my busyness on my shift days/nights.

I’m also hoping I don’t develop the cough and cold my mum and step dad have. I don’t want a long shift and one of them. It won’t be a pleasant experience.


31st January

The last of January; the month has gone so quickly. Good and bad things have happened this month. Some of the bad I feel needed to happen in order to move forward.

We’ve made some progress on the house. Got a few rooms ready to be able to start getting items in and ordering carpets. Although, we still need to go order and choose carpets.

The goal of being outside this month didn’t happen until the other day. It was nice going for a walk with Dave and the dogs and it helped reduce my stress levels with it all going off this past week.

We went to the Yorkshire Sculpture Park. It was a crisp day but still good walking weather. We walked for a good 2 and a bit hours and also getting over 10,000 steps in. Was also a good photo opportunity.

The dogs might have disagreed; they didn’t want to look into the camera. I’ve only focused on inhabiting my body a couple of times this month. Now having shifts I’m hoping my days off will come into patterns and be able to focus on myself and my body during them. Getting to do my goals will be good for me too.

I think focusing on my and my body is something I want to really focus on in February. Now I’m only working 3 days a week, I have 4 to help me do that. I just need to make sure that I do and get my other goals and the long to-dos done as well.

Things with Dave are feeling a little better now. Think there’s gonna be some moments I’ll get frustrated but that’s more me I think as I’ve grown up learning to be an adult. Whereas Dave has been ‘wrapped up’ by his parents; even his mother agrees that they’ve done that. It’s not gonna be fixed over night but it is fixable.

Goals, Life

The Choices Made in My Life

The choices I make in my life are so that I can shine. I do what I can and choose want I want to focus on. There are times I may need to delegate so the day to day grind can get done.

I may make choices that turn messy but I chose it. Whether others want to go ahead and judge, they can. That’s not what’s important. My happiness is. They can judge but it’s not their choices, they are mine.

I take the time to evaluate / reflect on the messy in my life. To figure out the whys and what went wrong. This is so I can learn from the unrest / failure to help grow and move forward to a better outcome.

I’ve found putting the main goal into smaller steps more manageable to achieve. I’m learning more about myself each day and what drives me to achieve or up the wall.

I’m one that underestimates the week ahead to the point I don’t finish tasks or goals I set myself. Instead of jumping in feet first all the time, I need to take a step back and look what’s involved in the coming weeks and calculate my spare time to see if I’m able to give the goal actions the commitment it’s needed.

January, so far, I’ve felt we’ve done well as a group to tick off some actions towards making our house a home.

Eight ticked off and one we decided wasn’t needed any more.

Life

My mind is on overdrive, wanting to get things organised. Not really the best before going to bed.

I found out where I’m gonna be based until April. This placement might also be permanent as the ward wants a full permanent position filled. I’m off for a chat with my current line manager to find out more in a few days.

The windows and doors are happening tomorrow, another task to be ticked off the list. We’re having a very good month on ticking things off for the house. Things seem to be coming together.


Watched: The Shinning > 2 out of 5

Life

We’ve had a good weekend of it at the house. Heating is on. Pipes for the shower have been connected. We’ve been fixing the plasterers mess but we’re unable to complete today due to someone not turning up. So, we ended up going to the cinema. I dried at the trailers, set me up good for the film.

We also have friends time last night and time with family this evening. I want to get the house sorted but I was glad for a rest. I’m tired and with just only being the first week of a new job I don’t want to exhaust myself.

I’ve been thinking of the wedding this evening too. Having another look at the guest list and potential food as the main meal. I’m trying to go with the majority as not to waste too much food or money.


Watched: Mary Poppins Returns > 4 out of 5

Learning, Life

I’ve done a full week of training for my new job. Hearing stories makes me think, at times, what have I got myself into. But I feel I need a new challenge and this is one. It’ll help with my confidence and boost my communication skills.

By the sounds of it, there will be times it’ll be like going to the gym. Hopefully it’ll improve my strength too.

I’ve handed in my work so far. I’ve completed the online work too. The completed week leads to a busy weekend; there’s work getting done at the house.

We’ve a night out with friends and an evening with family. I think I’ll need time off after. Least we’re still in the classroom next week.


Watched: Collateral > 2 out of 5