Control and Beliefs

I had my last therapy session. My 6 sessions. Not an intense form like I’m sure others can be. We mainly talked. We had 6 x 50-minute conversations about my weeks. life and experiences.

I could have had a focus on a certain topic but I didn’t know what I wanted to focus on. At the end, we came to the conclusion that there was a theme around what was discussed; control and my beliefs.

I felt having the conversations helped me see parts of my life differently. I’m not cured by any means. Can you be cured of mental health issues? I know I believe I can find my path and gain understanding to how to cope, process and learn about my mental health.

I don’t necessarily believe I can be cured. If I was cured I wouldn’t be able to have a second relapse. But I’ve had family members/friends who’ve had cancer; been recovered from all traces of cancer to come back. Majority of the time worse than before.

In no way am I trying to demean mental health or cancer. I believe these are both concerns that have limitations and successes in their own right. I know and have seen first and second hand what health issues can do to people. I don’t have a full understanding of any to advice, question or debate on.

A part of what I’m taking from my sessions is that I can’t and don’t have control of aspects of my life. I believed I did. I need to relinquish control. I need to believe in myself.

If I wanna live a life of honesty, integrity, adventure, simplicity, laughter, healthier, balance, love, joy, acceptance. I need to live my life this way. Be 100% me. I need to do things in life for me, that resonates with me and that I believe in.

If I don’t I won’t be living the authentic life I want. I can’t people everyone. I need to get out of that belief that I do. People who like me, I want them to like me for me. Not who they think I am. I want people to like my work; my writing, videos, the things I do, because they believe in what I’m saying and doing.

Have a positive community around me. I don’t want to give the negativity anymore of my time.

You with me?

 

Procrastination

I had some winding down time this evening. I still had a plan in mind for my relaxation. The fact that I had a plan does that make it a relaxing evening? Probably not for my mind. That clearly is something I need to work on.

I watched today’s FB live and I posted my Jigsaw Metaphor in the coaching group page. I did start watching the YCY (Your Courageous Year) webinar but I wasn’t feeling it at the time.

From a point made in the coaching FB live about procrastination, I accepted my feeling of needing to turn the webinar off. The point made that helped me to see my action this way is some procrastination is good if the activity isn’t right at the time. I am paraphrasing slightly.

By saying this, I don’t mean it’s acceptable to stop or pause all activities that give me that feeling. The feeling is trying to tell me something I haven’t yet understood. Working out the meaning and using the feeling to benefit me in some way, is how I wanna use it.

I don’t wanna revert back to bad procrastination of putting this off. Avoiding until I’m overwhelmed. I’m the one letting my actions have a negative effect on me and the outcomes in my life. I’m the one who can change these into the positive, to benefit me and the life I lead.

The Insights Keep Coming

There was a time when I would get frustrated, start rushing things when a call out for work I was on ran over time. Now, I can tell my mindset is changing, continuing to grow in the right direction.

I had thoughts but I let them pass through, allowing me to get on with what I needed to do to help my lady get comfortable again, mind and body. My 1/2 hour call ended up being 1 hour and 25 minutes. The extra time I’m not getting paid for. This also got to me.

But last night regardless of these things, I was making a difference to my lady. She was embarrassed, upset, angry at herself and the situation she was in. But thankful and grateful for what my other carer and I did and the patience we showed.

That moment right there is the reason I want to help others, make a difference. To see the change from bad to good in the person and/or situation. I am on the right path.

 

I’m in a Funk

I think I’m in a funk. Not sure how else to describe it. My parents say I’m fed up. I feel like I’m retreating a bit when it’s coming to my mood and mind. I’ve been having anxious dreams the last couple of nights.

I don’t have that burst of energy or positivity keeping me going right now. I’ve tried to still go about my day. I did some yoga, BSL and blog update. I’ve also been working throughout the day. I got to a point I couldn’t do any more goals today.

Instead, I watched some The Librarians; I’m now on Season 3. Again I’m hoping a good night sleep will do me good.

Work Effecting Mood

I’m day 2 of my 7 day work week. I’m already tired, dreaming of my NVQ to finish so I can change jobs. Even though I’ve still got a couple of months left to wait for that. I am grateful, due to how my annual leave has fallen, that I now get 5 weekends off in a row.

I’m also proud of myself for saying no to a call I was asked to add to my already packed day. If I had said yes, I wouldn’t have been able to have my 1/2 hour break at my grandparents to have my dinner.

I’m grateful for my grandparents for allowing me to pop in between calls, otherwise, I’d be eating out of a lunchbox, in a layby, in the dark. At this time of year, I don’t feel comfortable with that. Being at my grandparents meant I could have a proper meal and a hot one.

A good nights sleep will hopefully get me into a more positive mood again.

One of my Paths so Far

Next week will be my last therapy session. These 5 weeks have flown by. No doubt the next week will do the same. I’m glad I’ve attended the sessions. It’s given me the awareness that having a conversation does help.

Neither I or the counsellor went into the room with an agenda. Conversation flowed, obviously the topic was me.

In tonight’s session, we got onto me finding a sense of purpose and satisfaction in my job, the nature of my job anyway. That it’s my first time feeling like this is what I wanna do with my life. We spoke about why I didn’t feel this way about my other jobs or career routes.

Growing up, like any other kid I imagine has: I wanna be…. when I get older. I believe mine were: dancer or a vet. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I was good at ICT, so I went down that route. I got into my third month at university, I withdrew myself. I was bored.

I’ve always had a love for animals, so I started volunteering around paid work. After a while, I decided I’d like to work with animals. I applied for an Animal Management and Welfare degree. I got in.

Got working at kennels, volunteered when I could. Past first year. Did my placement year, all still while working. Around this time my mental health declined. The first time I was affected. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t understand myself. Saw doctors, had telephone counselling, getting towards my final year at university.

I was beginning to get excited again. I also was having this unsettling feeling I couldn’t explain. I just ignored it and carried on. At Christmas, in my final year, I withdrew myself. I left with a Higher Certificate of Education in the degree topic and experience, working with different kinds of animals.

I just wanted to work and get my mental health back. Still working at the kennels. Still had unsettled days. A point came where I believed I needed to take the next step in my career. I got a job within a veterinary practice as a Trainee Veterinary Nurse.

I was nervous. Always. I was terrified. I was emotional. I couldn’t stay in a couple of surgeries. I had to walk out, have a sit-down. Otherwise, they’d have to clean me off the floor too.

That unsettled feeling was telling me that this isn’t it. This isn’t what I should be doing. I felt a failure. I love animals. I wanna make a difference to them. A part of me felt that if I carried on I’d lose that love for them I’ve had my whole life.

I basically took the first thing I could find job wise and ran. Into pretty much a job that wasn’t a job.

It’s been a year and nearly a half since then. I’ve been beating myself up about it periodically since. Everyone plus myself knew the animal path was for me. That was where I was supposed to be.

I’m sure if I knew now, then, I wouldn’t have beaten myself up about it. I would have been able to tell my loved ones how I felt.

Talking about this in today’s session got me to realise I’m in the right place now. Helping people is what I wanna do. Make a difference to others. That doesn’t mean I’ve lost my love for animals. Far from it. I still love animals. I still volunteer at the same place I started out at after my first university withdrawal.

I get to help and be around animals on my terms.

Having this conversation has led me to the path of forgiving myself. That I didn’t run away at that point in my life. I just wasn’t on the right path.


Watched: Atlantis: The Lost Empire > 3 out of 5

Book: Finding Your Voice by Joanna Crosse

Speaking up, saying what needs to be said hasn’t always gone well for me. I was shy growing up. Times I felt I spoke but wasn’t heard. I gave up. I’ve been going through life having that hole, getting bigger.

That loss of connection. The loss of my voice. My confidence. Thinking what others thought of me. My mind and thoughts have ruled me since a little kid. Where, why or how I couldn’t tell. I’d be making up stories.

That is my past!

Knowing the where, why or how doesn’t matter to me. Not anymore. What matters to me now is finding my voice both personally and professionally. Opening up on here, I’ve found has helped me a lot. I’m finding my voice. I’m learning who I am and who I wanna be.

Before I started writing, I bottled things inside. I let my mind rule me. It’s helped me open my eyes. Along with my daily journey, the personal development I’m doing and finding joy in my life. I need to continue finding my voice, my courage and confidence.

The inspiration for this post was the book Finding Your Voice by Joanna Crosse. Having borrowed it from the library, I’ve enjoyed it so much I’ve put it on my wishlist.

I like her writing style, the case studies and the ability to go back and look at snippets at a time. Very clear layout. Recommended Read.