Life

1st – 15th Feb 2019

1st Feb

You know it’s been a long day when you start to pour your bottled water in the bin. I usually head to the sink but for some reason, I headed to the bin.

I felt good about this week with work. For once I felt I could be in the right place. I need to work on my communication though. To feel comfortable with what I’m saying to both staff and patients.


3rd Feb

I want to live authentically, honest and true; to my self, for myself, to be myself.

I don’t feel I’m living up to this. I still worry about what others think. I still let others plant seeds into my head. I’m still not giving myself, my voice about the things in my life and what I want.

I guess I still feel anxious and fearful. These feelings and thoughts are preventing me from shining through.


4th Feb

I’ve got such a busy mind lately that I’m finding it has to have insights into life. I need a quiet mind to help me achieve these and I need to go back from 30 miles a second mind frame. I’ve done it before, I’ll be able to do it again. It’s just getting back to that point and being able to stay there.


5th Feb

Boundaries Exercise: who’s who on the family board.

Who was your family chief executive officer (fceo) > my mum

Do I feel they did a good job > for a single working mum she did the best she could and has raised me right. I just wish there were more mother/daughter moments when growing up.

Do I feel I want to live up that parent? Do I feel I can? > Yes I would love to be able to raise any child I have similar to my mum and I feel I can do that. I just want to include a closeness and an open talking door policy.

Do I look forward to every day or am I relieved they are over? > I feel 50/50 on this. I feel glad about working days about my new job. I feel glad on days off now in regards to my relationship.

I don’t assume others see me in a certain way but I’m sure they do. I wouldn’t even know which way.

If in a couple, are you centred and secure, worried or resentful? > Last month I would have said centred and secure, no I’m worried and resentful. I’m feeling like I’m dating a person who doesn’t know responsibility, true responsibility or know what thoughts and feelings the actions done/not done caused by them and not thinking of the other person, just their self. That actions given aren’t the ones they are showing in meaning that was going into a companionable rut. They are not sure who to get out in the way I’d like. That I’m resenting the laid back approach that caused him to not notice me. Causing me to feel unhappy and worry about our future.


6th Feb

A companionable rut – I believe that’s how I’m feeling about our relationship. We may be able to get out of it, I don’t know. I’ve basically had a headache all day, I can’t shift it. I’m taking it to be due to how I’m feeling/not feeling and my thoughts about our relationship.

I know things can’t be perfect but I know I can’t take feeling like this all the time.


7th Feb

When I woke early this morning, I wasn’t expecting to find my mum unwell. Nor did I expect to be waiting in a&e all day after calling an ambulance. My mum’s not a crier so when she was crying due to the pain she was in; I knew she was bad.

We spent from 9am to 5:30pm in a&e. When 5:30pm came around, she was finally moved to a ward for overnight checks. Hopefully, she’ll be feeling better and start to eat, plus keep it down. I’m afraid today she didn’t want to try eating. It took her all day to attempt to have sips of water.

Once mum was in her room and a nurse had been to see her, my step-dad and I went home. After showering myself, by which point it had been 24 hours since I last ate a proper meal or a drink. After a while, my stomach started to complain but I think that was more down to my IBS.

I ended up going back to the hospital to take my mum some overnight things. Hopefully, all is well tomorrow and she’ll come home.


8th Feb

My confidence is something I need to build up in the workplace. I felt embarrassed at one point today as I’m still not 100% what can or cannot be done on the wards.

My mum came back from the hospital. She’s not 100% better but she’s well enough to come home. She’s been given a new tablet dose and has to go for outpatient appointment tests to follow up. Now it’s to try to get her better.


9th Feb

I might not be 100% there with my confidence in speaking but I hoped I proved myself in some of the physical sides to the job today. I tried not to shy away and I got involved. I want to be apart of the team and not hide away behind others or from the situation.


10th Feb

Watched: How to Train your Dragon: The Hidden World > 3.5 out of 5

I’ve talked about my confidence or lack of, I’ve talked about my mental health, I’ve more recently moaned about others lack of self-knowledge and meeting expectations.

I talk about this but I still don’t fully know myself, what my body love is or what love and feelings of true self are for me.

How do I expect others to be a certain way, and have the connection with others if I don’t know what it is, I want, know or feel?

How do I get to the point of this understanding and love for myself?

I’ve definitely had a negative mindset of late. I’m unable to find the path to the positive as I’ve been basing this change on other actions that aren’t coming as fast as I’d like them to be. I’m in charge of my mindset, not them. I need to be the one to go from the negative to the positive mindset. Living my life the way I want and not relying on others to be the change is going to have to be part of it.

I’ve a lack of meaning and purpose right now.

I have one with my new job but that’s only one side of me. The while of me needs to be happy, have that meaning and purpose. But is that everything?

We change the things around us. We change or shift even when we don’t see it do so.

Do I need to find myself or just understand the self and the world within and around me? I need to feel good. Maybe finding that feel good feeling is my true self-meaning.


11th Feb

My normal state these days is anger and frustration. It’s all getting directed at Dave. But he’s not saying or doing anything. He’s dismissive of all I’ve been like to him over the last 3 weeks. Quite possibly the last 4 years.

I want him to speak up! I feel if I said go, he’d just accept it and go. There doesn’t seem to be anything, giving him the natural umph, to do something or say something otherwise. It frustrates me more.

I’ve said more about it to B today and we’re having a girly night Wednesday, where I’ll say more.

But right now, I’m more emotional and loyal towards a TV show then I am to my fiance. That’s not who I want to be.


12th Feb

Just Meh…


13th Feb

What is my intention for this circle? For this time of self-connection? > I want to sit and think of what it is I want an abundance of. What is going through my head, to help me process any small thing, find answers for what I’m looking for? Focus on me and not al the stress I’m going through.

Essay Reaction. What does abundance stir for me? > Being able to feel worthy in all I do. Valued in what I give out. Not have to worry about money, love, family, friends. Having connections with others that are life-changing. Respect. Reliance. Worthiness.

I am Enough. I do Enough.

How am I believing in my own enoughness right now? Where am I appreciative of my abundance? > That I am earning the right amount of salary right now. Being able to work 3 or 4 days a week. To have the time to myself and work on the things I want to do, need to do. I am appreciative of my family being there for me and helping with the house. This is the enoughness to live independently.

Where and how am I believing a myth of scarcity right now? > I feel that my relationship is the myth in my life right now. That it isn’t enough to be there for the rest of my life. I feel my lack of confidence is a myth that it’s in me but I’m not letting it out. I know what to do but carrying out what I do means I feel I’ll be judged. [That I am already a mother and not a mum]


14th Feb

Happy Valentine’s Day. The day of Love. Why it’s celebrated as the day I don’t know. Well I know there’s a history etc but I mean in the fact those that love one another should express their love every day, someway or another.

My day was a 12-hour shift, my first type of busy one too. I thought it went well considering. I got a happy valentines day message from Dave in the morning and a message on his way home from work asking if I wanted a full body massage. I said yes and was selfish not letting it go to anything further.

I’m happy after my rants to G and B yesterday about my feelings on mine and Dave’s relationship. Something might happen to spur Dave on to up his game.


15th Feb

I had a few moments were I doubted myself and kept thinking others were talking about me. It’s in my head. Others may have spoken about me but that isn’t my problem, it’s there. The doubts about myself are in my head. I need to believe in myself.

Goals, Life, Mental Health

Developing Meditation Practice

I’ve had the goal of developing a meditation practice on my goal list for a while. Everywhere I look to do with mindfulness, meditation is one of the answers. Which is why I put the goal in my list in the first place.

I’m a person very much in my head. Quick to do things and eating especially. Hence, why I thought meditation should be one of the things I try. I have given it a go every so often. I struggle to sit still to listen or have my mind wonder so much I’m more frustrated more then when I started.

While looking into inhabiting my body, meditation comes up here too; to help with body love, in order to help answer and how to find your true self.

I’ve read that meditation is proven to increase positive emotions and decrease depression, anxiety and stress, among other things. It all sounds amazing for me. It’s getting into the habit, so that what has happened before doesn’t happen again. Clearly, I haven’t found the right way for me as yet. I think I’ll try new ones for a set amount of days then see how I feel about them. Surely there’s a tight one out there for me somewhere. Right?

Life, Mental Health

‘Its not something I wanna do’

I’ve had periods of ups and downs with my energy. I again struggled to get to sleep and if I woke I couldn’t get back to sleep.

I had a pick me up when Dave and I went to the animal shelter. I didn’t get chased by Blossom or the Cockerel.

We watched a film together once home and shopping was done. I feel like I’m coming down with something but don’t think that’s anything but stress.

Dave and I then went to the pantomime; Cinderella. I really enjoyed it and it took my mind off things for a while. I just hope I’m coping well rather then going further down to where I need to go back on anti-depressents. It’s not something I wanna do.

Family, Life, Mental Health

Trying to go deeper in my writing

I’ve had moments or days over the past couple of weeks where I’ve retreated into my head. I’ve had no words. I’ve felt sorry for myself. I’m getting myself to the point I’m exhausted I can’t do anything but sleep.

I’ve a lot going on in my life. I don’t always face them when I should. I like to hide from the issues in my life. This isn’t something I wanna do. It’s like a habit I can’t shake. When I wrote that Taylor Swift song Shake it off came into my head. Then the Dwayne Johnson lip sing of that song came into my head. 

My mind likes to wander off. Whether its the right time or not. There are times I can over embellish my problems. Is that the right meaning? I can also talk a lot of crap too. At this point, I started going through my journal. 

I get mind blanks. I think of an event in the future and think of scenarios, making my anxiety levels go up.

How was my life today?

It’s not a good feeling for me to wake to have to defrost my car. I’ve never been a big fan of the cold. The only thing I like about winter is Christmas and I feel that’s all a fantasy in my head.

I had two customer calls then back home for me. I did a week’s worth of mileage, which took me an hour and a half. While messaging people and organising my pre-employment meeting for tomorrow.

I found that the security software people were taking £70 out of my account because of my control issues and trying to take over things this time last year. Thanks to my step-dad that is all resolved.

I’ve started or should I say I’ve started to continue watching Once Upon a Time again. I’m on season 3.

But then I needed to go back to a customer. The final one of the day. Three customers all before lunch ending? Not what I call a job in my books. In the respect that I wanna work a whole shift in one go over a number of hours and not go in and out like I’m currently doing.

While at that customer my mum asked if I could go to my grandparents earlier then I had planned so I said yes. Plus my mum had an appointment.

On my way there I spoke to my dad. Since his diagnoses with Multiple Sclerosis, a couple of years ago we’ve spoken more honest with each other and more often. How bad is it that a long-term health condition can be the reason to bring people closer together.

Once I got to my grandparents I was there for a good four hours. At a time I had, I’m not sure but is resentment the right word. The wanting to run away but I’m trapped, why can’t my mum come to tag me out feelings. Just admitting that makes me feel like the worse granddaughter ever.

My grandma has Alzheimer’s. She has shakes and her balance isn’t the best. She needs to have someone around 24/7 to ensure she’s safe. My grandad is her sole carer. He is in need of a pacemaker and has been needing corrections with his eyes.

It took me and mum, months to get grandad to agree to get carers in. We have them now every morning and twice a week in an afternoon. Today was one of those days, the reason I ended up going earlier than planned was due to the carer running late and not knowing when they would get there so my grandad cancelled.

That time is for my grandad to have a break. We didn’t want this taken away from him, so, hello me. My grandad was able to go swimming, do an odd job, then go to his eye appointment as was the original plan. That meant I got to spend time with my grandma.

Once I got home, I got frustrated with Dave as he didn’t see the text about starting dinner while I was on my way home. I quickly got over that. Once dinner was done, we watched a few more episodes of the Netflix original TV series Scream. A few more sittings and we’ll have finished it.

Having a heart to heart isn’t our thing. I’ve brought up the lack of communication before with Dave. I don’t want to keep sounding like a broken record. Most of that I believe is in my head; down to me retreating into my head. I suppose I find it hard to think of things to say or how to bring up conversations as it is.

I suppose that is the reason why I started journaling in the first place. I also believe this is the longest plus deepest I’ve gone in my writing. Full honesty discloser here. Maybe it’ll help me sleep at night. But then again it’s me feeling cold that’s preventing that. I think this is my honestly for one day. But I know I need to do it more.