2 Hours Later – I Need to Accept Change More

I had a period of low mood this evening. Dave said he’d be home by 4pm so we could spend the evening together. When 4pm rolled around there was no sign of Dave.

In the end, he was home by 6pm. The dogs and I ended up walking to met him and walked back together.

We still had a lovely evening together. I guess I felt disappointed as I was looking forward to spending quality time together, which did happen but no as I had seen it in my head.

Change of plans is something I need to accept more of.


Watched: Die Another Day > 4 out of 5

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Book: The Soul of Leadership by Deepak Chopra

I’ve spoken about making a difference before. Whether to animals and/or humans. That is what I feel is my purpose or Dharma in life. Like anyone I have doubts. ‘I’m not good enough’ ‘I don’t have the experience to make a difference’ ‘What can I do?’

Reading the stories of how two people became successful in making a difference thought their businesses give me a heart-warming feeling. Reading a person’s experience of getting to make that difference by starting with nothing and being true to themselves; fills my heart up with love and courage. Reminding me I can make a difference; let’s go all out, to the world. To be able to leave a legacy for after I’ve gone.

Reading the Soul of Leadership by Deepak Chopra has given me a sense of awareness that I have to allow synchronicity and flow into my life. I shouldn’t force things on myself. That I’ll know the right path and how to help when I am ready. That the world isn’t full of coincidences but it’s the world of synchronicity at work.

This time last year I needed to be in control and have control over the things in my life and what I do. Forcing things to happen or be a certain way. I’m now accepting of slowing down. I feel that I’ll come across opportunities and people in my life that’ll help me and be apart of my values. I have to recognise them as such and not let them fall through my fingers

I’m a Step Forward on my Awareness

Unfortunately, I can’t say I’ve finished my NVQ. It got to the time of my remote call. My assessor was running late. Then she called me to say we need to do it in person really. I now am waiting another 3 days. Maybe then I’ll be able to say I’ve finished.

I ended up taking an anti-depressant today. The first in over a week. Dave told me I was grumpy a couple of days ago and I noticed I was very short at the office today.

I’m proud of myself for being aware. Acknowledging my mood was changing. I no have to work out a way of going back to happiness without the use of the tablet. I’m one step forward with my awareness. I’ve more steps to go.

We got forms from our financial advisor. We’ve signed the forms. The last form is a gift deposit form so we just need to evidence that my Grandparents were the ones gifting us the money.

Tomorrow I’m going into town, for my car recall appointment and to prove my identity for the solicitors. I’ll also hand in the new forms for the advisor.

After nothing happening the last couple of days. It’s good to see something. It makes me feel something is happening. That things are moving forward just I’m not witnessing it in front of me.

A Sense of Inner Calm

Nothing but work has happened today. My hours are gradually increasing towards my 30 hours minimum. I’m tired because of the early mornings and late nights.

Being 10 days since the holiday it’s taking it’s toll already. But I did say no to work on my days off this week. But I do have plans so it doesn’t feel much of an achievement to me.

I am accepting of my feelings and what’s going on around me more. I’ve noticed I feel a more sense of inner calm.

 

I want my writing to be about honesty

I’m having a moment of feeling, well I can’t say left out, like the lack of inclusion. The feeling like I’m missing out.

There’s a gathering at our mates this evening. Here’s me writing this while in bed, when all are having fun. I’ve been home from work an hour, due to go to bed shortly so I can get up for my morning work.

I’ve felt that tiredness like I’ve got a weight on my head but no obvious reason for having so. Maybe, unconsciously it’s because of the feeling I know now. Knowing Dave has gone and stayed with his parents so not to disturb me and the dogs coming home in the middle of the night.

I’m glad he’s being thoughtful and not wanting to disturb me. At the same time, it’s the the first night since moving in together where we’re not gonna be beside one another. I know I’m being a soppy person.

I’m not comfortable being affectionate in public. I seem fine with a pen and paper. I’m just being honest in my feelings. That’s what I want my writing to be about; Honesty.

 

External Validation

Can I truly be myself if I keep looking for external validation?

I can’t control other people’s thoughts. I can’t control outcomes. I won’t experience success or failure until it’s upon me. There are some things that are beyond my control.

Why try to manipulate my brain power, if I can’t control what I can’t control?

Surely, I’ll get tired faster, leading towards failure.

If I try to control, how am I being present in the now?

Other people’s thoughts are their own. Thoughts are just thoughts. They come and go. Other people’s perspectives are different to my own. We may look at the same piece of art and see and feel different things. We may watch the same film, at the same time, in the same screen. You may have an insight. I may not. It was just an alright film to me.

How can I become attached to other people’s expectations, reactions or values when they’re not mine?

To be myself and to act in accordance with my values; I need to release other people’s validations. I am the one that is happy doing what I love. I’m the one experiencing the emotions, completing the actions. I’m the only one who can be me.

#3 Release others values, expectations and reactions – Molly Mahar

 

Accepting of having no plans

I feel today has been a day where I’ve felt ok not having a plan for the day. Even with bowling had been booked for this evening.

I had a pyjama day until 3pm. I can’t remember the last time I had a PJ day. I got my wardrobe emptied. Having suitcases and boxes around has certainly made it feel real today that we’re moving.

I enjoyed our family bowling and meal this evening. I’m still not winning but I loved it none the less.


Watched: Sex Tape > 5 out of 5