journal entries, Life

16th-31st January 2019

16th January

I’ve been told I’m gonna be a permanent member of the ward. I’ve had my vaccinations too. My arm I had my Hep B vaccine is aching.

Wow.

I’m even boring myself writing this.

Basically, I’m annoyed.

All because Dave forgot his keys. It’s not the first time. I’m annoyed because I’m having to take responsibility for him and have to think for the both of us 24/7 and I’m tired.

Right now, I’m annoyed that I haven’t helped him be independent. I’ve mothered him like he’s used to when he lived at his parents where he didn’t have to think about anything for himself. It needs to change otherwise we won’t end the year, never mind 50 years together.


17th January

I don’t know what to do with myself. Do I lay it all on the table? What do I lay on the table? I don’t know what it is I want to lay on the table.

Dave: Is anything wrong?

Me: I don’t know

Dave: Maybe see how you are tomorrow.

Me: I’m annoyed at him yesterday about the keys

Dave: Fair enough

Is that a good enough response to my feelings? So far, there’s no sign of what we’re having for dinner tomorrow. If nothing gets taken out of the freezer tonight, there’s only one thing that can be cooked from frozen.

Yesterday, I told him I need him to step up with making dinner more. He’s to cook dinner 3 days a week from Friday; so that he cooks, Fridays, Sundays and Mondays. Not just cook, he needs to decide what we’re having, get it out of the freezer and make sure it’s on the shopping list.

So, how I feel tomorrow is going to depend on that outcome. I believe he’s told me he’s gonna meet me at the house without me prompting and he’s gonna get the bus home, so least that’s a step.

To be fair, I had to say to him a few months ago that he needs to stop assuming I’m taking him to and from work and that I’ll only take him if I say I will. He wasn’t even asking me for a lift, just waiting for the time and let’s go type of behaviour. I’m not a taxi or his mum to do everything and cook 24/7.

He needs to grow up and act like a man.


18th January

2 weeks of CC training theory has come to an end. I’ve a couple more standards and then I’m finished. That’ll be next week as they are paying me to do it then.

I ended up mentioning my frustrations to Dave. I first did it via text as that’s where our conversation was at the time. I got a see you soon reply. He seemed pissed off on arrival but didn’t say anything to me for a good couple of hours.

Back at my parents, he was making idle chit chat. I ended up having to say something.

Me: are we going to talk about the message from earlier.

Dave: (defensively) I didn’t think that was all that needed to be done.

That was all. So I went on to say how I felt about things. I did use the I feel that… rather than saying you’ve not done this or that.

Dave: he’d do better.

All I can do now is see if he does do better. A man with little words. Here’s hoping the actions take light.


19th January

One of my goals is to see Eddie Hall at a strongman event. This I have done this evening. We went to Britain’s Strongest Man 2019. Eddie Hall wasn’t competing though. This is something if like to see.

Tonight he was a commentator. I really got into it, shouting names. I supported all but my heart was for Bishop to win. Although he didn’t come first he went on the podium.

For the full event, it’s online or going live on telly in December.

We got a good done at the house. Finished the trade coat in the bathroom and the main bed; minus around the window due to the new plaster and Dave got one with some sanding.

He had his grumpy face on today until we went out. Apparently, he woke like that. Hopefully, tomorrow will be different.


20th January

Quite a bit of painting got done this weekend. It’s starting to come together. Next weekend the bathroom will be in, it’ll be nice to have at least one working room.

Dave and I still haven’t had a proper conversation. I’ve tried to ask him his thoughts but I don’t get much of an answer. It would be nice to know what he’s thinking, least then things can move forward rather than stay at a standstill.

I really don’t know where my heart stands right now. Dave needs to give me a bit more. It’s like he’s lost his spark, the person I fell in love with. I don’t know how to help him unless he talks to me


21st January

I’ve been able to talk to a friend about my feelings towards Dave. Right now, he clarified most of it perfectly:

“You want him to do stuff off this own back, be it romantic, making you feel at the forefront of his kind by doing household jobs or DIY, enthusiasm and excitement for you and your ventures together with the house and marriage”

It’s been nice to talk to someone about how I’m feeling. Just listening to me to offload everything. He doesn’t seem it’s a hard task to do. But still, I don’t know Dave’s feelings or thinking which don’t help.

I know I’ll have the answers. No one else can give them to me. Dave’s input would help me. I feel these are warning signs.


22nd January

My thoughts are on overdrive. My mind is going 150 miles a second. My thoughts on my relationship are causing my sleep pattern to go down. My body is stressed. I can tell from the pain in my chest and head I’m trying to process all my thoughts.

I’m sharing them with Dave. I’m not sure they’re going through. I was speaking to my stepdad about this and he told me about his and my mum’s thoughts as they have noticed things too.

On Dave’s break, he messaged me asking what I was up too. I said I was speaking to my stepdad. Dave asked me how it went and what we talked about. I said that my stepdad was asking me if we were ok. Dave said he thinks we are, then apologised for being grumpy the last few days.

He then asked me my thoughts. I asked him again why he was grumpy and then said I don’t think we’re 100% no I don’t think we’re ok. He replied to the grumpy part; apparently, a part of it was due to a painful ear. Nothing was mentioned about what I said about not being ok. No, why or anything.

I’ll have to see if anything is said when he gets home. I need to get my mind quieter to help me get my understanding of what I really want / should do.

Plus to help my own health. I don’t want to go back to where I was with my mental health.


23rd January

I’m just at the point I don’t know what/how to think about things. Dave came home from work asking me if I feel better. I wasn’t sure how to answer. I’m not sick. Just telling him my side of things doesn’t make me feel better, just like that. He said over time it’ll change. I can’t wait to feel better. But if / when I feel better I’m not sure right now if it’s gonna be the answer he wants.

I haven’t said about my loss of love in him. If he doesn’t better things it may come back, it may not.


24th January

It was the end of the MAV training today. We did a short BLS training too. The end of MAV meant test training. When it came to the role-playing part, I’m not a fan, but as this could happen and it’s confrontational, I’m scared. That I don’t know what to say or I’ll do the wrong thing.

Usually, I want to run away by now. But I don’t want to go back to square one and I’ll never accomplish anything. I need to do this for myself. I need to overcome my fears.


25th January

Watched: Res Sparrow > 3.5 out of 5

I’ve decided to do a change to my blog post scheduling. Instead of publishing each post daily, around 10 days after the event, I am going to have two posts per month for my journal entries.

For example, on the 16th of the month, I’ll publish days 1-15 of the month. One the 1st of the next month I’ll publish 16-28-31st of the month.

As I have published days 1-15 of January already, I’m going to start with 16-31st January on the 1st of Feb. Things will be more up-to-date and hopefully, it’ll flow a little more.

It’ll give me more time, a way of simplifying things for me without stopping the blog, which I don’t want to do. I still want to share my experiences. My BSL posts will continue to be as normal, twice a month until the series has finished. Any posts to do with goals or have a topic meaning to me these will become published as soon as I’ve finished writing. They won’t be waiting until the journal entry posts.

I’m going to see how these work out. See if it helps my mind de-stress a little. I want to bring back my love for journalling to when I first started.


26th January

We got some painting done at the house and my stepdad has got through half of the bathroom. It’s starting to look like a house now. I’m gonna continue tomorrow but I think I’m gonna rest Monday. I start on the wards Tuesday and I feel I’m coming down with something so I’m gonna take it easy. It’ll be nice to finish off the bedroom and the living room tomorrow.

I told Dave I’m not sure how I feel about us but he’s still expecting me to say I love you. I take it he didn’t fully understand what I meant by that so I’m gonna have to speak to him again about it. We’ll see how he reacts to what I meant originally.


27th January

Well, I told Dave what I originally meant by ‘I’m not sure how I feel about us’ he said that’s what he thought I meant but I had to say to him that I’m not saying I love you because I feel sick/guilty for saying it. He seems to have accepted this.

Today I’m frustrated and tired by everything. I’ve had my mum asking me what’s going on; are we staying together or breaking up. She doesn’t want to continue putting money into it if we’re not. I understand that. I love the house. I’m not sure I love Dave enough to spend the rest of my life with him.

After dinner we had another talk:

Me: what do you want out of life?

Dave: the house and kids

Me: take me and the house out of the equation. What do you want out of life?

Dave: I don’t know. Getting the Wednesday shift on the other department is making work better. But I don’t want to be there the rest of my life. But I don’t want to move anywhere else. I don’t know what I want out of life outside of work.

Me: how come living together 9 months and it’s taken this long and for me to point out that he doesn’t help unless asked

Dave: he didn’t notice how much I do.

Me: did you notice me? How come you didn’t notice how much I do?

Dave: no answer.

Me: I’m blank, I don’t know how to think or feel.

Dave: I don’t know what to do it say to help.

After that, I gave up trying to understand. Dave says he’s trying to process what I’ve told him yesterday but carrying on as nothing is wrong.

I’m at a stalemate. Stuck where I am. Waiting for an answer to fall into my lap.


28th January

Finished: Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed

Boundary Exercise:

Visualisation > standing in a field, the birds singing, trees around, the sun shining. I felt free, at peace. When I saw my boundary line come up. It was a full thick black line at arm’s length all the way around me. When I saw my boundary line I felt it wasn’t inviting or flexible to me. When the people in my life appeared in my boundary, they were all within it causing me anxiety, fear, frustration, guilt, feeling of sickness, like I was trapped. I did not feel secure at all.

What might be the perfect boundary for me?

I feel my boundary would have those closest to me outside my line where there are doors to my boundary line. They can knock to give permission to cross at the right time. Those who aren’t close but in my life would be further out would be able to message or come closer to knock. There would be windows on my boundary so that we can wave to each other.

Getting to know me exercise (from the past week):

Cared for me or taken a moment to myself > today I read this morning and this evening

Have criticised or felt disappointment in myself > Painting the living room and bedroom but not finishing them

Care for another > helping my mum with her washing

Criticised someone else > Dave

Though about something that’s a reflection owed to my parents > Dave and getting things done at the house

Enjoyed a spontaneous moment with friends > No

Did I laugh at a ridiculous situation > no

Felt frightened but known to be irrational > thinking getting hurt at my new job

Have I sulked or deliberately started a fight > yes, at Dave

Consciously pleasing to another > Not this past week

Overall:

I spent time being critical of myself or others. I’m afraid I have not been taking time for myself or spending it with others or caring. I aim to please others most of the time. I don’t enjoy moments of spontaneous fun like I should do.

No wonder I’ve gone at Dave like I have, even though he did need a wake-up call.


29th January

I had my first shift on the ward today. It was nice to experience the ward. I felt like giving Dave a hug this evening. I felt I missed him as well. I told him that and he said he’ll give me a hug when he got home, which he did. After not a very good sleep last night and being tired after my 12-hour shift I’m feeling tired right now so I’m hoping I’ll sleep better this evening.


30th January

It was nice having a day off after my first shift yesterday. Be interesting how I feel over the next couple having 2 shifts in a row. I’m sure I’ll be fine.
It wasn’t all rest though. I got the main bed and living room painting done. I did a few odd jobs, mileage and watched some telly. I also prepared tomorrows dinner as well to save me the time after my long day shift. I hope to make a habit of doing pasta dishes the day before to help reduce my busyness on my shift days/nights.

I’m also hoping I don’t develop the cough and cold my mum and step dad have. I don’t want a long shift and one of them. It won’t be a pleasant experience.


31st January

The last of January; the month has gone so quickly. Good and bad things have happened this month. Some of the bad I feel needed to happen in order to move forward.

We’ve made some progress on the house. Got a few rooms ready to be able to start getting items in and ordering carpets. Although, we still need to go order and choose carpets.

The goal of being outside this month didn’t happen until the other day. It was nice going for a walk with Dave and the dogs and it helped reduce my stress levels with it all going off this past week.

We went to the Yorkshire Sculpture Park. It was a crisp day but still good walking weather. We walked for a good 2 and a bit hours and also getting over 10,000 steps in. Was also a good photo opportunity.

The dogs might have disagreed; they didn’t want to look into the camera. I’ve only focused on inhabiting my body a couple of times this month. Now having shifts I’m hoping my days off will come into patterns and be able to focus on myself and my body during them. Getting to do my goals will be good for me too.

I think focusing on my and my body is something I want to really focus on in February. Now I’m only working 3 days a week, I have 4 to help me do that. I just need to make sure that I do and get my other goals and the long to-dos done as well.

Things with Dave are feeling a little better now. Think there’s gonna be some moments I’ll get frustrated but that’s more me I think as I’ve grown up learning to be an adult. Whereas Dave has been ‘wrapped up’ by his parents; even his mother agrees that they’ve done that. It’s not gonna be fixed over night but it is fixable.

Life, Writing

Monthly Review: July 2018

My birthday month has come to an end. Another year older, I don’t know if I’m any wiser but I am better all around; mainly with my mental health.

We’re still waiting for the keys to the new house. The vendor solicitors are shockingly bad. Even our own solicitors are angry with them. I very much wish and know I’ll have the keys by the end of August. That will be my WOOP moment in my August monthly review.

This means that we haven’t been able to get started on my quarterly goal of making our home our own.

My second quarterly goal, on the other hand, I have been able to do something towards. I have done a few more BSL blog updates. I now have BSL video posts scheduled till December; I am doing them once a month.

In general, I think I have been lazier in July on doing most things. Even in everyday life tasks. I have been slumping in front of the telly mainly and watching films and the odd TV show.

I have decided that I am going to cut ties with the CBT course I signed myself up for in November of last year. Not an official course or anything. I have no desire to do anything else towards it.

I have decided that I am going to focus on my UCP course in my own time seeing as I’m on no deadline. Even though this isn’t an official course either, it has been good for my mental health.

I do have a WOOP moment for this month; I’ve been given my mums car. It wasn’t good that I had to pay for 4 new tyres within the first week but they are needed. Next month is MOT month so least it spreads the cost.

Blackboard Tasks

Looking back at the blackboard tasks I set at the last month; the first two I have already spoken about above. I haven’t really done much towards being mindful about loving my body. I have been able to go back to cooking proper meals and I have been walking. I have had my hair done which feels great, I just want it to look amazing all the time but it doesn’t work. Have a home is explained above.

The day trips one, I haven’t done any. Like I said I’ve been lazy this month. Day trips need to be kept on for sure.

August Blackboard Tasks:

  • Day Trips
  • Loving my Body
  • Have a Home
  • MOT
  • Girls Night
  • UCP Course
  • Research Photographers for the Wedding
  • Finish reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Illustrated Edition

 

 

Goals, Life, Stratejoy, Writing

The End of Q2 Review

Wow, we are halfway through 2018. Time is going quickly. Whatever you do, make the most of your time.

The Past 6 Months 

I am on the road to being the woman I want to be. I do have selfish moments, where I become lazy and expect others to do things for me. I’m becoming calmer in myself but still, have those rush days. I’m taking more control of my life and experiences.

I have been incorporating my theme of the year, Joy, into my life more in this first half of the year. I have been having experiences, having time with loved ones and getting shit done.

But being with family has had its challenges. Family is what get each other through. We need to be there for one another, things have been changing rapidly. Seeing my grandma decline quickly has been the hardest part for me over the past 6 months.

The Next 6 Months

I am craving couple independence. Being deliberate and limitless with our home. Getting it right for us. I am craving calm. Being able to be comfortable with silences and having nothing planned. But I also wanna knock things off the to-do-list.

To make sure I am recommitted to my yearly theme of Joy; I need to choose what I want to focus on now. Then only focus on those as a priority. But also take time for me and as a couple.

I think the best way of doing this is to plan only part of my time. Things come up and cause me to rush and stress. I need to focus on one or two things and not try doing everything all at once. I need to continue with my monthly review, see what I am doing and if I’m still on the right track.

Blackboard Tasks

I feel the following are those I need to focus on in the next quarter:

  • CBT Course
  • BSL Blog Series
  • Loving my Body
  • Have my Hair done
  • Have a Home
  • Day Trips

Quarter 3 Goals

  1. Make Our Home Ours

Being in the process of buying our first home. I want this quarter to be focusing on making it ours. It needs a full gutting; a lot of work doing to it. I want this to be in support of having a welcoming home to come back to and have our couple independence.

I would like our home to be liveable by Christmas 2018.

2. BSL Blog Series Set Up

This is another goal on my dreams page. Setting this BSL series up is getting out of my comfort zone. Having videos of myself completing signs to hopefully teach others. I have 3 done so far. But as I have set up for the series to start next week I have some work to do.

I would like it all to be set up by the end of the quarter ready for it to be published through the next few quarters.

Past 6 Month Reviews

January 
February
March – End of Quarter 1
April
May

Goals, Life, Writing

May 2018

Can someone please explain to me why the months are going by so fast? I’m still amazed that it’s another month gone. We are now starting the sixth month of 2018. Half of the year is nearly coming to an end.

May has been a very busy month for me. Thankfully, we did have a trip to Wales with friends. That was a wonderful week; it was much needed. May has also found us house hunting. We got to viewing number two and fell in love. We are currently week 3 in the process of buying it.

Fingers crossed the end of June will bring us having a date for the collection of keys or already having them.

Health wise I have been generally well in myself. I am getting off my anti-depressants. Only having them once or twice a week just to finish them off. I had my blood test re-done to find my Potassium levels are back to normal. This past week I have been more tired but I have been pushed at work. By the end of June and for July I’ll have an easier time of it.

My mum and I have had to start being more hands-on with caring for my Grandma as well. She has Dementia but it’s her physical abilities that are declining quickly. As my Grandad is caring for her 24/7 we are going in to sit with her and to provide morning care to give my Grandad a break. We are currently searching for a care company to be able to provide this support 7 days a week so everyone can have a break. Then we’ll go in and sit with her while my Grandad has time to himself.

This month also brought around my NVQ finishing. It has taken 11 months but I can finally say it is complete. I have also completed 2 out of 4 modules for my Life Coaching qualification.

I was also completing steps towards my goals; below you can see a chart to see how much of each I have done throughout May. Last night I was thinking that I am now actively doing pieces towards my goals that I feel writing each down in my diary and completing a chart at the end of the both isn’t as important to me any more.

Because of this, the chart below will be my last one. At the end of the day, I know when I have or haven’t completed steps towards my goals. I write about them regularly in my journaling, that I feel I am able to gauge how I am going towards the goals I am focusing on at the time.

Screenshot 2018-05-31 14.40.06.png

June is here.

What will it bring?

For me currently, the following is planned:

  • Looking after my Grandma
  • Survey for the house we are buying
  • Life Coaching Tutorial
  • Demi Lovato Concert with my friend E
  • Puppy Sitting for the in-laws
  • Final sitting for my tattoo
  • Micheal McIntyre Concert with Dave
  • Annual Leave
  • Dave’s Birthday
  • Steps Concert with B and our mums
  • Volunteering

That is a busy month of things to come. Of course, I have work around all that too. Work to me isn’t important enough to be included as that is just something I need to do.

There you have it. My month of May rounded up in a post. What did May bring for you?

Goals, Life

Monthly Review: April 2018

I say this every month but it still stands in my eyes. Hasn’t the month gone quick? I even had a customer say it’ll soon be Christmas!! I know life seems to be going at full speed lately but talking about Christmas for me is too early.

April has come to an end. I have started to wean myself off my anti-depressants and after the conversation with my new doctor today I don’t have to take so long to wean myself off them; on the tablet within my system basis. I believe the no chocolate goal is helping me. I don’t feel like there are times when I need to hibernate like when I’ve had chocolate. Another month went with no chocolate; GO ME!

I have started my Life Coaching Level 2 course at Newcastle College. I have passed my first module and halfway through my second. I feel this course is helping me learn the practical aspects of life coaching that I don’t get with the UCP course.

I’ve started my quarterly goal; daily movement. I have started to walk to placed more and had a couple of goes on my exercise bike. That’s twice it’s not getting used as a clothes hanger. Starting this goal was made a lot more motivating since moving home.

You guessed it. WE MOVED is the next achievement of this month. I say achievement more for the fact Dave and I now live together. Albeit not in our own place but with my parents. But since seeing the financial advisor today we have been told we are in the position to look for our own place. I got very giddy at this news!

I have done a couple of updates on my BSL video series but I do need to up my game if I want the whole series to be up and running by the end of July. So far I have 3 weeks worth up. But I guess this isn’t on top priority at the moment but it is happening. That I am not gonna go back on.

I did a few no telly days and had a week of no internet. Wow, that was hard. I believe I should do more of it. Next week may be my next chance as we are going away for the week on holiday. The usage of data is going to have to be limited seeing as I am running very low to my limit, if not already done over.

I have got closer to the end of my NVQ. I am now at 93.2%. So close to the end but still far away. I was told it be the beginning of April that I would complete but due to unforeseen circumstances this is not the case and will be towards the end of May now.

I even remembered to do my graph for the month. As you can see below I have been focusing on more selected areas in my life to complete rather than bits and pieces of all. I have found this to be more productive as I have got more done across these areas, getting me closer to the end.

Screenshot 2018-04-30 20.33.05

May is, fingers crossed, going to see the end of my NVQ. I am going to have a repeat of my blood test from March as I apparently have high potassium. Going to Wales for a week with a group of friends. My first friends holiday. We are going to another wedding fayre at a venue we want to view. I am going to volunteer one morning, continue with my Life Coaching course and start month 3 of my UCP course.

 

Goals, Life

March 2018 Action Chart

I’ve been looking back through my March daily goal actions in my diary. Seeing when I last ate chocolate. No chocolate goal update on your screens tomorrow. Looking through I realised I did not complete a chart for March. This is because I did a Quarterly Review rather than a Monthly Review.

As I like to look back to see how well I am doing with my goals I thought I would complete the chart now.

Screenshot 2018-04-12 13.13.06

As you can see, the no chocolate goal has been the best one out of them all. But I’m glad to see that I am was doing something towards my other goals. I even started a quarter 2 goal in March.

The 5 times doing the BSL goal in March meant that I was able to complete the goal of completing my introductory course. The time in March when I did the Overcoming work I realised that I needed to mark it down as a low priority. I also decided to say goodbye to the YCY goal altogether.

Goals are not set in stone. They’ll change just like life does. Some get to the point where they are not meaningful to a person. By continuing on a goal that doesn’t resonate can do more harm than good. I believe that completing reviews regularly on goals is healthy and will help them to be achieved.

 

Goals, Life, Mental Health

Q1 Review: 2018

The first 3 months of 2018 has come to an end. I feel like I’ve embodied my theme so far this year. I’m unconsciously working towards my big goals for the year too.

I’m becoming the woman I wanna be in the world. I’ve still got some work to do to reach my goals. Being a better me is always gonna be an ongoing priority for me.

Because of this and my daily writing, I feel I’m achieving my Q1 goal of being honest with others. I’m telling my story. I’m being true to myself. My mental health is better for it.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to complete my NVQ this quarter. It’s something I’m not able to control. There does seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Fingers crossed I’ll be able to complete by the end of April.

A number of things are gonna change by the end of April. By then I’ll have moved and Dave can move in too. Work is gonna be different as I’ll be living in a different area.

With the number of changes in April alone, I didn’t want my Q2 goals to be too taxing but still allow me to move forward in finding myself.

My first goal is:

  • Daily Movement

I need to focus on my health and body more. Really get into the habit to exercise. Make my body stronger. I struggle to scrape the ice off my windscreen. That should be a sign to build up my muscles right?

My second goal is:

  • Be Smart with my Resources

Within 10 days of being paid, I had £12 left. This £12 has been sat doing nothing for weeks because I can’t afford to pay anything with it. I’ve been relying on Dave and my mum to be able to live. It’s great having my partner and family to help me when needed but I need to be able to support myself all the time.

With being smart I wanna budget, really think about being more frugal with my life and think is it necessary to buy this? If I can afford to buy something that isn’t a must then I can afford to put it in the house fund.

If I wanna spend Christmas 2019 in our own home I really need to do as I say to others.

Here’s to a great quarter.

How has your quarter treated you?