Life, Personal Development, Stratejoy

2018: A year of growth and unrest

2018 has been a mix of a year. There’s been times I’ve felt its been my year of growth; buying a house, booking our wedding and looking for a new job. I don’t know the answers to where I’m heading but I feel I’m on the right path.

Then I’ve felt like I’m in the year of unrest; where things have been overwhelming. I’ve been putting a lot on my plate and other things keep popping up causing me to feel like I’m in a crisis emotionally.

I believe I started out 2018 growing and found the second half in unrest. I want to get out of that and work on 2029 being the year of destruction. Where everything gets torn down and new is a foot, building and know who I am, leading to a year of mastery.

Seeing me write my year out like this allows me to step back and realise no matter which year I’m in, I’m moving forward in the right direction. No matter whats happening in my life I feel I’m coping with it a lot better then I used to.

Family, Life, Mental Health

Trying to go deeper in my writing

I’ve had moments or days over the past couple of weeks where I’ve retreated into my head. I’ve had no words. I’ve felt sorry for myself. I’m getting myself to the point I’m exhausted I can’t do anything but sleep.

I’ve a lot going on in my life. I don’t always face them when I should. I like to hide from the issues in my life. This isn’t something I wanna do. It’s like a habit I can’t shake. When I wrote that Taylor Swift song Shake it off came into my head. Then the Dwayne Johnson lip sing of that song came into my head. 

My mind likes to wander off. Whether its the right time or not. There are times I can over embellish my problems. Is that the right meaning? I can also talk a lot of crap too. At this point, I started going through my journal. 

I get mind blanks. I think of an event in the future and think of scenarios, making my anxiety levels go up.

How was my life today?

It’s not a good feeling for me to wake to have to defrost my car. I’ve never been a big fan of the cold. The only thing I like about winter is Christmas and I feel that’s all a fantasy in my head.

I had two customer calls then back home for me. I did a week’s worth of mileage, which took me an hour and a half. While messaging people and organising my pre-employment meeting for tomorrow.

I found that the security software people were taking £70 out of my account because of my control issues and trying to take over things this time last year. Thanks to my step-dad that is all resolved.

I’ve started or should I say I’ve started to continue watching Once Upon a Time again. I’m on season 3.

But then I needed to go back to a customer. The final one of the day. Three customers all before lunch ending? Not what I call a job in my books. In the respect that I wanna work a whole shift in one go over a number of hours and not go in and out like I’m currently doing.

While at that customer my mum asked if I could go to my grandparents earlier then I had planned so I said yes. Plus my mum had an appointment.

On my way there I spoke to my dad. Since his diagnoses with Multiple Sclerosis, a couple of years ago we’ve spoken more honest with each other and more often. How bad is it that a long-term health condition can be the reason to bring people closer together.

Once I got to my grandparents I was there for a good four hours. At a time I had, I’m not sure but is resentment the right word. The wanting to run away but I’m trapped, why can’t my mum come to tag me out feelings. Just admitting that makes me feel like the worse granddaughter ever.

My grandma has Alzheimer’s. She has shakes and her balance isn’t the best. She needs to have someone around 24/7 to ensure she’s safe. My grandad is her sole carer. He is in need of a pacemaker and has been needing corrections with his eyes.

It took me and mum, months to get grandad to agree to get carers in. We have them now every morning and twice a week in an afternoon. Today was one of those days, the reason I ended up going earlier than planned was due to the carer running late and not knowing when they would get there so my grandad cancelled.

That time is for my grandad to have a break. We didn’t want this taken away from him, so, hello me. My grandad was able to go swimming, do an odd job, then go to his eye appointment as was the original plan. That meant I got to spend time with my grandma.

Once I got home, I got frustrated with Dave as he didn’t see the text about starting dinner while I was on my way home. I quickly got over that. Once dinner was done, we watched a few more episodes of the Netflix original TV series Scream. A few more sittings and we’ll have finished it.

Having a heart to heart isn’t our thing. I’ve brought up the lack of communication before with Dave. I don’t want to keep sounding like a broken record. Most of that I believe is in my head; down to me retreating into my head. I suppose I find it hard to think of things to say or how to bring up conversations as it is.

I suppose that is the reason why I started journaling in the first place. I also believe this is the longest plus deepest I’ve gone in my writing. Full honesty discloser here. Maybe it’ll help me sleep at night. But then again it’s me feeling cold that’s preventing that. I think this is my honestly for one day. But I know I need to do it more.

Books, Life, Writing

Book: The Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepax Chopra

When thinking about my life and how I live it. I made ground rules for myself last year. I’m guilty of not looking at them or being mindful of following them. I’ve never thought of having laws of success.

I’ve finished reading The Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepax Chopra. Even with the title saying laws of success, it like he says, can be the spiritual laws of life. This book is one recommended from my Life Coaching Course. I’d loaned the book and one of his others from the library.

I guessed from it being 24 years old I was judging it by its age and not just its cover. From page 1 though, I was hooked. Even being 24 years old, it still relates to today’s world.

I love that it has commitments of how to follow each law. I got the sense that I could slow down.  Out of all the laws, the last ‘The Law of Dharma or Purpose of Life’ is the one that spoke to me the most. Showing the different internal questions between ego and spirit.

Ego – What’s in it for me?

Spirit – How can I help?

Seeing as I’ve found a purpose of helping people in my life. Seeing this written down made me stop and think. I’ve been running on ego most of my life. That awareness is what could change how I live for the purpose of my life.

What changes could I see? Not just by implementing the last law but all seven. I liked the book that much, I’ve decided to put it on my wish list. I’d love to read it again. I can’t wait to start his next book.

I even checked the library catalogue to see if they have any of his other books. They’ve many more. If it’s nice tomorrow afternoon once I’ve finished work, I may have a trip to the library. I haven’t been in my new local one yet. I can also drop this book back in.


Watched: A View to a Kill > 3.5 out of 5

Life, Mental Health, Personal Development, Stratejoy

External Validation

Can I truly be myself if I keep looking for external validation?

I can’t control other people’s thoughts. I can’t control outcomes. I won’t experience success or failure until it’s upon me. There are some things that are beyond my control.

Why try to manipulate my brain power, if I can’t control what I can’t control?

Surely, I’ll get tired faster, leading towards failure.

If I try to control, how am I being present in the now?

Other people’s thoughts are their own. Thoughts are just thoughts. They come and go. Other people’s perspectives are different to my own. We may look at the same piece of art and see and feel different things. We may watch the same film, at the same time, in the same screen. You may have an insight. I may not. It was just an alright film to me.

How can I become attached to other people’s expectations, reactions or values when they’re not mine?

To be myself and to act in accordance with my values; I need to release other people’s validations. I am the one that is happy doing what I love. I’m the one experiencing the emotions, completing the actions. I’m the only one who can be me.

#3 Release others values, expectations and reactions – Molly Mahar

 

Anxiety, Depression, Goals, Life, Mental Health, Personal Development, Writing

Are you being yourself?

Growing up, even still to this day people tell me to be yourself. In my 26 years of life so far, is it the ‘norm’ to know who I am, where I wanna be and what my life is gonna hold?
My mind processed all the information around me. I either see and understand it or I don’t.
I know what my past journey has been like. I’ve had ups and downs. In and out of the doctors, with this or that wrong with me. I’ve gained and lost friends. I’ve lost myself and found myself again. My anxiety, my depression has been ruling me. Anti-depressants within my system.
I’ve backed out. I’ve run away. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I’ve lied. I’ve been kind. I’ve been cruel. I’ve been many more a type of person.
Do I know who I am? Not entirely. I know what I feel, what I think and a path is in view. My past doesn’t define me. Yes, it is my past. It always will be. My past isn’t who I am today.
I can tell you some of my likes, dislikes. My aspirations. The person I want you to see me as. The legacy I wanna leave behind. That’s only a part of me.
My thoughts have been rolling around my head, all my life. Thoughts, I’ve had to deal with. Thoughts that have stopped me doing or saying something. Thoughts that have been positive but have been pushed to one side, hiding in the darkness of the negativity bullying their way forward.
My thoughts are just that: thoughts.
They are balloons floating by. Until one keeps getting bigger, ready to burst, needing my attention. After letting out some air, the balloon is safe to continue, floating, gently over the horizon.
Thoughts are transient. Short-lived. Thoughts come and go. These thoughts have been weathering a storm, bursting for too long.
That gentle flow towards the horizon, the calm, lightening up my days. I’m becoming conscious of myself and the world I’m in. Starting to live for me. Not for others and certainly not for my thoughts.
My mind is open to endless possibilities. Insights.
I can’t tell the future. Tomorrow I’ll be myself and more. Continuing to grow each day. My consciousness emerging in all areas, freeing my mind of thoughts. Allowing me to shine through.
Life, Mental Health, Personal Development

Needed: A New System for Self-Control

The pain hasn’t been as bad today. It’s still there in certain parts of my body but more manageable. Today was my last day working in the office. I spent it training the new Supervisor what/how I was completing my auditing.

I felt like I’ve been doing a job at a higher level. By doing this I’m a community carer training the Supervisor to do the job I’ve been doing for 7-months. That being said I’m now going fully back into my love of care and helping people.


I was able to get my Life Coaching course application in for the distance learning course with Newcastle College yesterday. The college works quick, I got my finance email today. I’ve the potential to start earlier than April from what the tutor said.

I believe I need a new system for my self-control and the ability to say no to myself and not just others.


Watched: The Zookeeper’s Wife > 4 out of 5

Goals, Life, Mental Health, Personal Development

Being in the Present

I thought being present in the now would be straightforward. Being in the past and jumping to the future for so long has made it difficult. Even with this challenge I still wanna continue changing my mindset.

I’ve run away from challenges or the difficulties in life. Changing my mindset isn’t a drastic challenge or must of a difficulty in life. But it can change my life!

Lately, when I have been in the present, I’ve got more enjoyment out of life. My thoughts haven’t been in control. Being present is where I wanna be 24/7. No matter how long it takes, I will get there.


Watched: Black Panther > 3.5 out of 5