A sense of normality

I worked towards my bath goal today. Sitting in lukewarm water for 15 minutes. I couldn’t relax but I believe I may have gotten over the major panic of sitting in the water.

Dave and I had a date afternoon as well. Went to Nandos then on to the cinema. We saw IT. I enjoyed myself. Feel we’re getting our connection back. The film was good. Still yet to find one to scare me though. I’m scared of having baths and spiders but I don’t scare at films.

Any suggestions of scary films?

Had a lovely evening with friends. I didn’t feel disheartened when I had to leave to come home. I thought “I’ve enjoyed my time here. We’ll be doing it again soon.”

When I got home, o my. A spider run across my bed!! Back to normality then. Thank you, mum, for being my savour.

Connections

Today has been a good day. I had a girls night with B. Food, film and a good gossip. Just what I needed.

I didn’t struggle to think of what to say. I was relaxed. Didn’t overthink anything. I think I found a good friend in B. It may have taken us nearly three years to get here but I’d rather not rush a friendship.

I was able, to be honest about things that have happened or I’m feeling about life. I know she’s been honest with me back. That’s one of the main fears I have. My trust levels have been low but I know I have a couple of friends that I can say anything to. I know I’m being listened to, not judged and can hopefully

That’s one of the main fears I have. My trust levels have been low but I know I have a couple of friends that I can say anything to. I know I’m being listened to, not judged and can hopefully have friends for life.

Connection must be in the air. I feel more connected with my other half today. A flow of conversation and no awkwardness. A bonus.

Back to Basics

I’ve had a mixed day. The good thing is that I’ve had a good second half. Had a laugh over nothing, which is good. I say nothing, we were watching a film, so it was something.

I had my sexual health clinic trip today. Other than some small tearing, all looks OK. She did a swab which we believe will come back normal. I basically have that messed up mental health it’s affecting me having sex.

The advice is to go back to basics. Start off from the beginning. Like I’ve never had sex before and go slow. Build up my mind and body to enjoy sex again. The doctor gave me some antiseptic cream as well to use for when having sex to see if that helps at all.

It was an interesting conversation to have with my other half but he said yes. He’s happy for us to do that.

Back to the beginning, we go.


You can now sign up to Molly Mahar new Council: The Courage Council. It’s starting on the 11th September for 21 days. There are two price ranges depending if you want extras or not. Like I said, it’s new this year so, only know whats gonna happen by the info Molly provides but if it’s anything like how her Holiday Council goes. I’m gonna love it.

Maybe you could too. Click the picture to access the web page. Have fun.

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Blocked Mind

I’ve been staring at this page, pen hovering. Not really knowing what to write. I’ve finished just having sex. I had to stop myself from crying straight after.

It was uncomfortable during. No pain as such but my mind not going away from it. After it just feels like a part is on fire.

That being said, when we went on our date, I got more relaxed and back into myself towards the end.

My mind is blocking me from being me.

I have Mrs. frustrated head on. Everything is irritating me.


To change the subject my NVQ assessor, all be it ten minutes late, did show up and spent most of the day with my third module. Another area passed. My next one soon to be on the way.

Unsettling Part of Life

My blood test came back clear. The one that was taken from my sexual health visit. It’s great to hear good news.

But it doesn’t make me feel better about my sex life. The pain, discomfort, the small bleeding. Doesn’t feel me with the joys I’d expect from sex. I’ve never experienced the wonderful joy of sex you seen in the films.

I can’t remember a time I was horny, had an orgasm or not uncomfortable. My partner and ex-partners may have something to say. An ex of mine reminds me I was horny with him etc. But I can’t remember being that way.

Either I have a bad memory or I’m good at faking.

I don’t want to fake it. I want my body to react. To enjoy the pleasures of sex. To be naturally turned on.

I have my sexual health walk in with the doctor in two weeks. If she’s not able to give me advice I don’t know what I would do. Surely there’s more to sex than what I’m experiencing. I just don’t know which direction to turn. Know I’m in the right direction to sorting it out.

I just don’t know which direction to turn. Know I’m in the right direction to sorting it out. All I want is to feel something other than pain.

Communication Break Point

I said something to my other half today. It took me a while to do so. Plus at first, I didn’t think I had to say anything. Well, I know our communication has been shit lately. So I needed to say something at some point. I guess today, hit a breaking point for me.

It all happened because of dinner.

We may be in our mid to late twenties but he is still very spoilt.

He said his mum had texted him asking if he would like her to get him a steak for dinner and to ask me what I would like.

After I breathed through my annoyance of the fact he’s not as independent as I’d like him to be. Relying on his parents and cannot think or take responsibility for much in life. When saying that I think ‘why am I with him?’ Thankfully he’s a nice guy and has a life. Just doesn’t know of life.

I said I’ll find something in the house or have a snack. He replied to his mum, I don’t know what.

He then made a statement that he needed things from the supermarket. His way of asking apparently. So, I picked up some pasta and sauce as I wasn’t that hungry. My dinner sorted. Once at his and his mum home. She asked me what we were having for dinner. “I thought you were getting steak for him?”

“I thought you were getting steak for him?”  I said.

“That’s not what he replied,” she said.

His mum showed me the text he’d sent; ‘it’s OK, thank you, we’ll sort ourselves out’. But didn’t tell me this.

I didn’t say anything to him at first. Thankfully his mum had brought steak anyways and some extra salmon so I could have some. Pasta and sauce can wait for another day.

Once the film we were watching finished; A Girl on the Train. A one time watcher. I asked him why he didn’t tell me what he’d said to his mum.

“I forgot. I was pissed off with my manager”. His own fault by the way.

So I told him he needed to remember and tell me these things straight away. That I feel disconnected from us because we are not communicating. Things need to change.

So, we’ll see if they’ll change.

 

Letting Frustrations Out

I woke with a headache. Still tired and feeling drained. I floated through the day. Or that’s at least how it felt. I didn’t want to do a lot.

Being day five of six and having had four busy days. My body wanted me to slow down. I listened, saying I didn’t want to do the plans we already had. I’m glad now because it down poured that much it was coming through the conservatory roof.

At first, I don’t think my partner was happy about not doing a lot. We hardly spoke today until bedtime and that was more to do with anything but my frustrations.

But I’m glad I had planned a girls night with the one who couldn’t come to the group girls night. It was fun. Had a meal, chatted our frustrations throughout and watched The Space Between Us.

The second time I’ve watched it and it’s still sweet. Enjoyed it.

Getting my frustrations out about my partner to my friend helped me. For when I arrived home I was a little more me.

Now I need to think of a plan of attack to get my partner being a full grown, responsible, adult without me having to ask.

Is that too big of a goal?