Life, Relationship

Happy 4th Anniversary

Happy 4th Anniversary to us. 4 years; I cannot believe it. 2 years ago we got engaged and in 18 months we’ll be getting married. It’s been a big year for us. We’ve bought a house that we’re renovating. We’ve booked our wedding; making bigger commitments to one another.

We had a lay in. I temporarily forgot it was Tuesday and finished an episode of telly. Dave told me off and that was all the telly I watched today.

We came home after finishing puppy sitting for the in-laws, able to exchange our presents. Dave got me Noel Fitzpatrick autobiography and the Harry Potter expansion box. I got him the new Game of Thrones book.

We had a trip to the house. Need to ring the skip people as it’s still there. We also need to collect some more plaster for the plasterer. 2 bedrooms are now complete.

I also sorted out my car insurance it was up for renewal and they wanted me to pay an extra 300 a year. Not a chance.

The new job got back to me on yesterday’s replies. I think I’m gonna wait till Friday then hand my notice in. I could also cancel my notice closer to December if necessary.

I’ve spent some of the afternoon on Spyro; sods law it fucked up and lost my saved data. I had to start all over again. I have no idea what happened but anyway I got on with it and gained 16% back.

Now I’ve to finish packing and get to my grandparents, it my turn again to stay over.

Life

‘I’m not a waiting person’

Another relaxing day, I took the dogs for a walk, watched a film, went home to sort my dogs out. Then I took my grandad shopping and to his after op appointment. He’s doing well. My grandma has been a bit moody over the last few days so that’s been fun.

Once back, Dave and I spent the evening in front of the telly again. I also received an update from my new employer. They are missing some things so I’ve been chasing these up. Hopefully, by the end of the week, these will be sorted.

I get apprehensive when I’m waiting for these things to happen. It raises my anxiety levels a bit. Fingers crossed it all goes to plan.


Watched: The Princess Switch > 4 out of 5
How it Ends > 2.5 out of 5

Life

‘Much Needed Time Together’

We’re now at the in-laws, puppy sitting. They left this morning for Newcastle. I woke in time to wish them off. I then let the dogs in to wake Dave up. Once ready we decided to go to Rabbit-Ings Country Park. It was a lovely walk. When we’d decided to head back we hadn’t even walked it all. We did about half it. We’d like to go back. You can see the views for miles. We even sat and had an ice lolly.

We decided then to come back for lunch then go to the cinema. I was home and in my pj’s for 5pm. The only time I got up was for the takeaway and to go to the loo. We had a night together in front of the telly. It was a day together we needed.


Watched: Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Crindlewold > 3.5 out of 5

Life, Relationship

‘Talking While Writing’

I feel mentally drained from looking after my grandma this past 48 hours. But I’m helping them and will continue to do so. It’s family and I’d do anything for them. Back to work for 2 days then my annual leave starts.

Right now, I’m frustrated as I’m trying to write and Dave can see this but he is still trying to talk to me, which is putting me off thinking and writing. I’m a hypocrite, aren’t I? I wait for him to communicate with me but when he does it’s not the ideal time for me. It probably would be better if I said that when I’m writing in my journal that you do not talk until its closed again. That way I’m not frustrated.

Did I though? No. I just wrote the above and carried on with no other words about it. 

Family, Life, Mental Health

Trying to go deeper in my writing

I’ve had moments or days over the past couple of weeks where I’ve retreated into my head. I’ve had no words. I’ve felt sorry for myself. I’m getting myself to the point I’m exhausted I can’t do anything but sleep.

I’ve a lot going on in my life. I don’t always face them when I should. I like to hide from the issues in my life. This isn’t something I wanna do. It’s like a habit I can’t shake. When I wrote that Taylor Swift song Shake it off came into my head. Then the Dwayne Johnson lip sing of that song came into my head. 

My mind likes to wander off. Whether its the right time or not. There are times I can over embellish my problems. Is that the right meaning? I can also talk a lot of crap too. At this point, I started going through my journal. 

I get mind blanks. I think of an event in the future and think of scenarios, making my anxiety levels go up.

How was my life today?

It’s not a good feeling for me to wake to have to defrost my car. I’ve never been a big fan of the cold. The only thing I like about winter is Christmas and I feel that’s all a fantasy in my head.

I had two customer calls then back home for me. I did a week’s worth of mileage, which took me an hour and a half. While messaging people and organising my pre-employment meeting for tomorrow.

I found that the security software people were taking £70 out of my account because of my control issues and trying to take over things this time last year. Thanks to my step-dad that is all resolved.

I’ve started or should I say I’ve started to continue watching Once Upon a Time again. I’m on season 3.

But then I needed to go back to a customer. The final one of the day. Three customers all before lunch ending? Not what I call a job in my books. In the respect that I wanna work a whole shift in one go over a number of hours and not go in and out like I’m currently doing.

While at that customer my mum asked if I could go to my grandparents earlier then I had planned so I said yes. Plus my mum had an appointment.

On my way there I spoke to my dad. Since his diagnoses with Multiple Sclerosis, a couple of years ago we’ve spoken more honest with each other and more often. How bad is it that a long-term health condition can be the reason to bring people closer together.

Once I got to my grandparents I was there for a good four hours. At a time I had, I’m not sure but is resentment the right word. The wanting to run away but I’m trapped, why can’t my mum come to tag me out feelings. Just admitting that makes me feel like the worse granddaughter ever.

My grandma has Alzheimer’s. She has shakes and her balance isn’t the best. She needs to have someone around 24/7 to ensure she’s safe. My grandad is her sole carer. He is in need of a pacemaker and has been needing corrections with his eyes.

It took me and mum, months to get grandad to agree to get carers in. We have them now every morning and twice a week in an afternoon. Today was one of those days, the reason I ended up going earlier than planned was due to the carer running late and not knowing when they would get there so my grandad cancelled.

That time is for my grandad to have a break. We didn’t want this taken away from him, so, hello me. My grandad was able to go swimming, do an odd job, then go to his eye appointment as was the original plan. That meant I got to spend time with my grandma.

Once I got home, I got frustrated with Dave as he didn’t see the text about starting dinner while I was on my way home. I quickly got over that. Once dinner was done, we watched a few more episodes of the Netflix original TV series Scream. A few more sittings and we’ll have finished it.

Having a heart to heart isn’t our thing. I’ve brought up the lack of communication before with Dave. I don’t want to keep sounding like a broken record. Most of that I believe is in my head; down to me retreating into my head. I suppose I find it hard to think of things to say or how to bring up conversations as it is.

I suppose that is the reason why I started journaling in the first place. I also believe this is the longest plus deepest I’ve gone in my writing. Full honesty discloser here. Maybe it’ll help me sleep at night. But then again it’s me feeling cold that’s preventing that. I think this is my honestly for one day. But I know I need to do it more.

Life

16/09

I felt a bit deserted by my other half this weekend. I know I’ve been working but I’ve spent time at home. I’ve come back this evening he’s still not home. It’s great he’s seeing his parents. He doesn’t need to spend nights over when there’s not reason to.

He told me he’s coming back this evening but I have no idea when and he’s not replying to my messages. He’s said he’s bringing me a plate from Sunday dinner. By the time he’s back I might not want to eat.

I’m being paranoid and a bitch.


The house is asbestos free. Me and my step dad went to B&Q to get what is needed for the week.


Finished: Don’t tell the bride to be by Anna Bell

Life, Mental Health, Relationship, Writing

2 Hours Later – I Need to Accept Change More

I had a period of low mood this evening. Dave said he’d be home by 4pm so we could spend the evening together. When 4pm rolled around there was no sign of Dave.

In the end, he was home by 6pm. The dogs and I ended up walking to met him and walked back together.

We still had a lovely evening together. I guess I felt disappointed as I was looking forward to spending quality time together, which did happen but no as I had seen it in my head.

Change of plans is something I need to accept more of.


Watched: Die Another Day > 4 out of 5