journal entries, Life

Journal Entries: 1st – 15th March 2019

1st March

Authenticity Kick Starter Course

Day 10, Part 1 > Fear is holding me back. The fear of failure. The fear I’m going to start something again and I hate it. Fear that I’m doing something just because and not know what I truly want or doing the right thing.

Next week, my partner and I are going to Rome, we’re going through a rocky patch and there are some difficult conversations that need to be had. During this holiday I feel I should use the time to try to establish a re-connection and have some, if not all, the difficult conversations.

My achievement today: Completed all of my mileage evidence from my previous job.


2nd March

My authenticity kick starter course; I’ve decided to put on hold until I get back from Rome. Early in the morning, I’ll be getting on a plane with my fiance. I’m not 100% I want to marry anymore. How did I get here? How did I get to the point in feeling different about our relationship?

Maybe our holiday away will give some answers. I can’t even say when my feelings changed or whether my heart or mind is taking the lead. Sometimes I feel I’m miles ahead and my partner is at a standstill. Are we just growing out of or from each other? I don’t know what to say, do or how to act around him.

Being apart for the few days the past couple of weeks, I haven’t really missed him probably like I should. I’ve thought about him at times but not missed him. Am I scared of being alone? Is this all I’m good for?


3rd March

Rome Day 1


4th March

Rome Day 2


5th March

Rome Day 3


6th March

Rome Day 4


7th March

I didn’t sleep well last night. I feel like I’m coming down with a cold. My body, throat and head were aching and I felt sick. Even with not feeling well, I woke better than when I went to bed.

It was time to say goodbye to Rome. The scary shuttle car ride back to the airport allowed us to see some of the sights again. I’m just glad I didn’t have to drive while in Rome. I didn’t feel comfortable as a passenger. However, we got to the airport in one piece. The plane journey back my body ached in parts.

Once we landed it was just to find the car and then I could drive home and go to bed. Unfortunately, that wasn’t meant to be. My car wouldn’t unlock, once I did get in with the lock and key my car wouldn’t start. In my 10 years of driving, I’ve never had to call a breakdown company, until today. I pretty much guessed right that it was a dead battery. I would have cried to the point that I nearly did. But that wasn’t gonna achieve anything.

After an hour of waiting, it was confirmed my battery was dead. The repair guy; John was able to get it started again but I was still none the wiser as to why. Until possibly 10 minutes later I noticed my light above was on constant, not just for when the door opens. That’ll do it.

We got home in the end, me desperate for a wee. My aches and pains still happening; a cold for definite. This evening I’ve had scenes out of films come into my head. One I believe I’ve found to be Arctic Blast but the other is too generic for me to pinpoint the film.

I’m back home in my bed. I enjoyed my holiday but I’m glad to be back.


8th March

Watched: A Monster Calls > 3.5 out of 5

Authenticity Circle – Stratejoy

Intention: Allowing myself to be authentic in my life with myself and others. Find a route to help me to be so. Answer the questions honestly to figure out things going through my head.

Reaction: Fear and expectations stopping. Heavy heart. Is my truth really my truth? Seeing cracks in my life. Letting authenticity bubble to the surface. I can’t please everyone. I need to please myself. Strength measured by picking my heart off the floor and being me. Trust in my own strength.

Authenticity is something to be proud of, to love. Other people cannot judge your authenticity; it’s you. They’ll love you for you. You know in your heart what you want and the life you want to live so do it! Stop letting fear and other peoples expectations stop you. Stop me.

I need to figure out who I am, what brings me joy, turns me on, what my yeses and nos’ are. Then how I want to show who I am, where and with whom. I want to show up. I don’t feel I’m connect with my authentic self right now. I don’t know where I lost it. But I do know I want it back. How to figure out who I am is something that scares me but a journey I want to take.

History: I can’t pinpoint when I’ve felt like I’ve been myself. I feel I’ve been myself but others have judged and shot me down. I’ve stopped being myself, being the way they want me to be. Being reserved. I’ve felt disconnected a few times, mainly when my mental health has been bad. Right now, I feel dis-interested with most things in my life. I don’t know where to go, or what to do with anything.

I feel it’s safe to be myself in certain areas of my life, with certain people in my life. I guess it’s the fear of judgement stopping me and what others are expecting from me. If I can be myself to certain people I should be able to be myself with all. I guess being authentic is currently out of my comfort zone.


9th March

Watched: Bait > 2 out of 5

I’m feeling dis-interested about most of the things in my life. Dave is a big part of that disinterest. I’m sure I could do or say something that could change it but right now going through a cold I don’t want to be doing much. I pretty much have watched telly the past 2 days. I did go do some shopping this morning and had my hair done. But with the wet, cold, windy weather it didn’t make me feel better.


10th March

I’ve felt shocking and lack of energy today. I felt better as the day went on and was able to eat something. I told Dave about me wanting to cancel the wedding and having no desire for sex until my feelings change for me. I got an OK in reply.


11th March

Watched: Escape Plan > 2.5 out of 5
Father of the Year > 2 out of 5
Velvet Buzzsaw > 1 out of 5

I had a better nights sleep. Which I hope continues tonight. I got up and went to my volunteer place. Pushing the wheelbarrow in the mud and still recovering from my cold was interesting. In the end, one of the owners said I looked like I needed a hug. I basically came home and watched films all day with Dave. I’ve no motivation for anything and Dave is letting me just watch films. I did do some washing I suppose.

But I need to get myself out of my funk. Tomorrow is no telly day so I can’t turn on the telly, much to my current dismay. I’ve plenty of things I could be doing. I could also try living the life I claim I want. At this rate, I’m gonna be a telly addict that dies alone in front of the telly.

With the wedding officially cancelled there are some things that need to be sorted out there too. Do I have commitment problems? Or do I just not wanna commit to Dave? All these things and more I need to figure out but I keep procrastinating.


12th March

Finished: The Gifts of Imperfections by Brene Brown

Authenticity Kick Starter Course

Day six, Part 1 Continued: I did get my nails done that weekend 🙂 I had my hair done this weekend too. I think it will be harder for me this next weekend as I’m working nights. Sleep during the day is important but I feel I need to do something else for myself too.

Day nine, Part 1 Continued: With my relationship, I feel I have lost connection I had between us that was once there. That something needs to change with the both of us and the connection to come back for there to be a future that would be great. Two months ago I told my partner about the loss of connection and lack of support I felt. Since then I haven’t felt any change other then the anger has gone. With the anger gone, I still not feeling any connections and changes yet that is helping me to see much more of a future going forward.

Day nine, Part 2 Continued: That’s a very good question, I have no idea what I would be doing if I was in my Zone of Genius.

Day ten, Part 1 Continued: Failure is something I have been telling myself that shouldn’t happen. Failure is something that I’m not allowed to do or others to see me do. I guess what worries me about failure is that the hurt and embarrassment that comes with it. That I don’t take risks because this is something that could happen and it’s not something I want to happen. I stay mostly where it is safe and it isn’t doing me any favours. I want to have a love and the support without having to push or ask for it all of the time. I want natural flow in a relationship. One where I don’t have to make all of the decisions or plan our road for our future. Right now brave communication would be sitting down and having it without feeling sick or anxiety rising up in me.


13th March

I’m definitely retreating back into myself and using watching telly to escape daily matters as well as the communications I need to have. Thus isn’t helping my feelings of disconnection and loneliness. I need to sort myself out and get my act into gear into knowing what I want.

The past couple of days I’ve had the idea of adding an extra day to my no telly Tuesdays. I have four days off a week. I can’t be spending 3/4 of them in front of the telly. I’m not gonna be able to life my life that way. I’ve decided to include Thursday to make it no telly Tuesday and Thursday.

I wanna get myself and my act into gear and sitting in front of the telly isn’t gonna help. Especially if I wanna figure out my feelings towards Dave and I. I can’t feel them if I don’t get myself involved with my feelings.


14th March

A friend of mine got me a ‘Take a Minute’ journal for my last birthday. I’ve used it to reflect 6 times. 3 fully and 3 I started but never completed. Since I haven’t done much else in it. Today I got it out and did a appreciate page.

Today I’ve appreciated having a me day. Dave and I did a couple jobs first thing this morning and walked the dogs. Since then, around 11am, I’ve done what I’ve wanted to do as the day has gone on. I even got a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle out and spent a couple hours doing it while listening to music.

I forgot how much I missed this. It’s been pretty much a year since I last did that and that was when I lived in the old place before moving in with Dave. It’s definitely something I wanna continue doing more of. Plus using the ‘Take a Minute’ journal too. Especially the connection and smile sections.

Life

1st – 15th Feb 2019

1st Feb

You know it’s been a long day when you start to pour your bottled water in the bin. I usually head to the sink but for some reason, I headed to the bin.

I felt good about this week with work. For once I felt I could be in the right place. I need to work on my communication though. To feel comfortable with what I’m saying to both staff and patients.


3rd Feb

I want to live authentically, honest and true; to my self, for myself, to be myself.

I don’t feel I’m living up to this. I still worry about what others think. I still let others plant seeds into my head. I’m still not giving myself, my voice about the things in my life and what I want.

I guess I still feel anxious and fearful. These feelings and thoughts are preventing me from shining through.


4th Feb

I’ve got such a busy mind lately that I’m finding it has to have insights into life. I need a quiet mind to help me achieve these and I need to go back from 30 miles a second mind frame. I’ve done it before, I’ll be able to do it again. It’s just getting back to that point and being able to stay there.


5th Feb

Boundaries Exercise: who’s who on the family board.

Who was your family chief executive officer (fceo) > my mum

Do I feel they did a good job > for a single working mum she did the best she could and has raised me right. I just wish there were more mother/daughter moments when growing up.

Do I feel I want to live up that parent? Do I feel I can? > Yes I would love to be able to raise any child I have similar to my mum and I feel I can do that. I just want to include a closeness and an open talking door policy.

Do I look forward to every day or am I relieved they are over? > I feel 50/50 on this. I feel glad about working days about my new job. I feel glad on days off now in regards to my relationship.

I don’t assume others see me in a certain way but I’m sure they do. I wouldn’t even know which way.

If in a couple, are you centred and secure, worried or resentful? > Last month I would have said centred and secure, no I’m worried and resentful. I’m feeling like I’m dating a person who doesn’t know responsibility, true responsibility or know what thoughts and feelings the actions done/not done caused by them and not thinking of the other person, just their self. That actions given aren’t the ones they are showing in meaning that was going into a companionable rut. They are not sure who to get out in the way I’d like. That I’m resenting the laid back approach that caused him to not notice me. Causing me to feel unhappy and worry about our future.


6th Feb

A companionable rut – I believe that’s how I’m feeling about our relationship. We may be able to get out of it, I don’t know. I’ve basically had a headache all day, I can’t shift it. I’m taking it to be due to how I’m feeling/not feeling and my thoughts about our relationship.

I know things can’t be perfect but I know I can’t take feeling like this all the time.


7th Feb

When I woke early this morning, I wasn’t expecting to find my mum unwell. Nor did I expect to be waiting in a&e all day after calling an ambulance. My mum’s not a crier so when she was crying due to the pain she was in; I knew she was bad.

We spent from 9am to 5:30pm in a&e. When 5:30pm came around, she was finally moved to a ward for overnight checks. Hopefully, she’ll be feeling better and start to eat, plus keep it down. I’m afraid today she didn’t want to try eating. It took her all day to attempt to have sips of water.

Once mum was in her room and a nurse had been to see her, my step-dad and I went home. After showering myself, by which point it had been 24 hours since I last ate a proper meal or a drink. After a while, my stomach started to complain but I think that was more down to my IBS.

I ended up going back to the hospital to take my mum some overnight things. Hopefully, all is well tomorrow and she’ll come home.


8th Feb

My confidence is something I need to build up in the workplace. I felt embarrassed at one point today as I’m still not 100% what can or cannot be done on the wards.

My mum came back from the hospital. She’s not 100% better but she’s well enough to come home. She’s been given a new tablet dose and has to go for outpatient appointment tests to follow up. Now it’s to try to get her better.


9th Feb

I might not be 100% there with my confidence in speaking but I hoped I proved myself in some of the physical sides to the job today. I tried not to shy away and I got involved. I want to be apart of the team and not hide away behind others or from the situation.


10th Feb

Watched: How to Train your Dragon: The Hidden World > 3.5 out of 5

I’ve talked about my confidence or lack of, I’ve talked about my mental health, I’ve more recently moaned about others lack of self-knowledge and meeting expectations.

I talk about this but I still don’t fully know myself, what my body love is or what love and feelings of true self are for me.

How do I expect others to be a certain way, and have the connection with others if I don’t know what it is, I want, know or feel?

How do I get to the point of this understanding and love for myself?

I’ve definitely had a negative mindset of late. I’m unable to find the path to the positive as I’ve been basing this change on other actions that aren’t coming as fast as I’d like them to be. I’m in charge of my mindset, not them. I need to be the one to go from the negative to the positive mindset. Living my life the way I want and not relying on others to be the change is going to have to be part of it.

I’ve a lack of meaning and purpose right now.

I have one with my new job but that’s only one side of me. The while of me needs to be happy, have that meaning and purpose. But is that everything?

We change the things around us. We change or shift even when we don’t see it do so.

Do I need to find myself or just understand the self and the world within and around me? I need to feel good. Maybe finding that feel good feeling is my true self-meaning.


11th Feb

My normal state these days is anger and frustration. It’s all getting directed at Dave. But he’s not saying or doing anything. He’s dismissive of all I’ve been like to him over the last 3 weeks. Quite possibly the last 4 years.

I want him to speak up! I feel if I said go, he’d just accept it and go. There doesn’t seem to be anything, giving him the natural umph, to do something or say something otherwise. It frustrates me more.

I’ve said more about it to B today and we’re having a girly night Wednesday, where I’ll say more.

But right now, I’m more emotional and loyal towards a TV show then I am to my fiance. That’s not who I want to be.


12th Feb

Just Meh…


13th Feb

What is my intention for this circle? For this time of self-connection? > I want to sit and think of what it is I want an abundance of. What is going through my head, to help me process any small thing, find answers for what I’m looking for? Focus on me and not al the stress I’m going through.

Essay Reaction. What does abundance stir for me? > Being able to feel worthy in all I do. Valued in what I give out. Not have to worry about money, love, family, friends. Having connections with others that are life-changing. Respect. Reliance. Worthiness.

I am Enough. I do Enough.

How am I believing in my own enoughness right now? Where am I appreciative of my abundance? > That I am earning the right amount of salary right now. Being able to work 3 or 4 days a week. To have the time to myself and work on the things I want to do, need to do. I am appreciative of my family being there for me and helping with the house. This is the enoughness to live independently.

Where and how am I believing a myth of scarcity right now? > I feel that my relationship is the myth in my life right now. That it isn’t enough to be there for the rest of my life. I feel my lack of confidence is a myth that it’s in me but I’m not letting it out. I know what to do but carrying out what I do means I feel I’ll be judged. [That I am already a mother and not a mum]


14th Feb

Happy Valentine’s Day. The day of Love. Why it’s celebrated as the day I don’t know. Well I know there’s a history etc but I mean in the fact those that love one another should express their love every day, someway or another.

My day was a 12-hour shift, my first type of busy one too. I thought it went well considering. I got a happy valentines day message from Dave in the morning and a message on his way home from work asking if I wanted a full body massage. I said yes and was selfish not letting it go to anything further.

I’m happy after my rants to G and B yesterday about my feelings on mine and Dave’s relationship. Something might happen to spur Dave on to up his game.


15th Feb

I had a few moments were I doubted myself and kept thinking others were talking about me. It’s in my head. Others may have spoken about me but that isn’t my problem, it’s there. The doubts about myself are in my head. I need to believe in myself.

journal entries, Life

16th-31st January 2019

16th January

I’ve been told I’m gonna be a permanent member of the ward. I’ve had my vaccinations too. My arm I had my Hep B vaccine is aching.

Wow.

I’m even boring myself writing this.

Basically, I’m annoyed.

All because Dave forgot his keys. It’s not the first time. I’m annoyed because I’m having to take responsibility for him and have to think for the both of us 24/7 and I’m tired.

Right now, I’m annoyed that I haven’t helped him be independent. I’ve mothered him like he’s used to when he lived at his parents where he didn’t have to think about anything for himself. It needs to change otherwise we won’t end the year, never mind 50 years together.


17th January

I don’t know what to do with myself. Do I lay it all on the table? What do I lay on the table? I don’t know what it is I want to lay on the table.

Dave: Is anything wrong?

Me: I don’t know

Dave: Maybe see how you are tomorrow.

Me: I’m annoyed at him yesterday about the keys

Dave: Fair enough

Is that a good enough response to my feelings? So far, there’s no sign of what we’re having for dinner tomorrow. If nothing gets taken out of the freezer tonight, there’s only one thing that can be cooked from frozen.

Yesterday, I told him I need him to step up with making dinner more. He’s to cook dinner 3 days a week from Friday; so that he cooks, Fridays, Sundays and Mondays. Not just cook, he needs to decide what we’re having, get it out of the freezer and make sure it’s on the shopping list.

So, how I feel tomorrow is going to depend on that outcome. I believe he’s told me he’s gonna meet me at the house without me prompting and he’s gonna get the bus home, so least that’s a step.

To be fair, I had to say to him a few months ago that he needs to stop assuming I’m taking him to and from work and that I’ll only take him if I say I will. He wasn’t even asking me for a lift, just waiting for the time and let’s go type of behaviour. I’m not a taxi or his mum to do everything and cook 24/7.

He needs to grow up and act like a man.


18th January

2 weeks of CC training theory has come to an end. I’ve a couple more standards and then I’m finished. That’ll be next week as they are paying me to do it then.

I ended up mentioning my frustrations to Dave. I first did it via text as that’s where our conversation was at the time. I got a see you soon reply. He seemed pissed off on arrival but didn’t say anything to me for a good couple of hours.

Back at my parents, he was making idle chit chat. I ended up having to say something.

Me: are we going to talk about the message from earlier.

Dave: (defensively) I didn’t think that was all that needed to be done.

That was all. So I went on to say how I felt about things. I did use the I feel that… rather than saying you’ve not done this or that.

Dave: he’d do better.

All I can do now is see if he does do better. A man with little words. Here’s hoping the actions take light.


19th January

One of my goals is to see Eddie Hall at a strongman event. This I have done this evening. We went to Britain’s Strongest Man 2019. Eddie Hall wasn’t competing though. This is something if like to see.

Tonight he was a commentator. I really got into it, shouting names. I supported all but my heart was for Bishop to win. Although he didn’t come first he went on the podium.

For the full event, it’s online or going live on telly in December.

We got a good done at the house. Finished the trade coat in the bathroom and the main bed; minus around the window due to the new plaster and Dave got one with some sanding.

He had his grumpy face on today until we went out. Apparently, he woke like that. Hopefully, tomorrow will be different.


20th January

Quite a bit of painting got done this weekend. It’s starting to come together. Next weekend the bathroom will be in, it’ll be nice to have at least one working room.

Dave and I still haven’t had a proper conversation. I’ve tried to ask him his thoughts but I don’t get much of an answer. It would be nice to know what he’s thinking, least then things can move forward rather than stay at a standstill.

I really don’t know where my heart stands right now. Dave needs to give me a bit more. It’s like he’s lost his spark, the person I fell in love with. I don’t know how to help him unless he talks to me


21st January

I’ve been able to talk to a friend about my feelings towards Dave. Right now, he clarified most of it perfectly:

“You want him to do stuff off this own back, be it romantic, making you feel at the forefront of his kind by doing household jobs or DIY, enthusiasm and excitement for you and your ventures together with the house and marriage”

It’s been nice to talk to someone about how I’m feeling. Just listening to me to offload everything. He doesn’t seem it’s a hard task to do. But still, I don’t know Dave’s feelings or thinking which don’t help.

I know I’ll have the answers. No one else can give them to me. Dave’s input would help me. I feel these are warning signs.


22nd January

My thoughts are on overdrive. My mind is going 150 miles a second. My thoughts on my relationship are causing my sleep pattern to go down. My body is stressed. I can tell from the pain in my chest and head I’m trying to process all my thoughts.

I’m sharing them with Dave. I’m not sure they’re going through. I was speaking to my stepdad about this and he told me about his and my mum’s thoughts as they have noticed things too.

On Dave’s break, he messaged me asking what I was up too. I said I was speaking to my stepdad. Dave asked me how it went and what we talked about. I said that my stepdad was asking me if we were ok. Dave said he thinks we are, then apologised for being grumpy the last few days.

He then asked me my thoughts. I asked him again why he was grumpy and then said I don’t think we’re 100% no I don’t think we’re ok. He replied to the grumpy part; apparently, a part of it was due to a painful ear. Nothing was mentioned about what I said about not being ok. No, why or anything.

I’ll have to see if anything is said when he gets home. I need to get my mind quieter to help me get my understanding of what I really want / should do.

Plus to help my own health. I don’t want to go back to where I was with my mental health.


23rd January

I’m just at the point I don’t know what/how to think about things. Dave came home from work asking me if I feel better. I wasn’t sure how to answer. I’m not sick. Just telling him my side of things doesn’t make me feel better, just like that. He said over time it’ll change. I can’t wait to feel better. But if / when I feel better I’m not sure right now if it’s gonna be the answer he wants.

I haven’t said about my loss of love in him. If he doesn’t better things it may come back, it may not.


24th January

It was the end of the MAV training today. We did a short BLS training too. The end of MAV meant test training. When it came to the role-playing part, I’m not a fan, but as this could happen and it’s confrontational, I’m scared. That I don’t know what to say or I’ll do the wrong thing.

Usually, I want to run away by now. But I don’t want to go back to square one and I’ll never accomplish anything. I need to do this for myself. I need to overcome my fears.


25th January

Watched: Res Sparrow > 3.5 out of 5

I’ve decided to do a change to my blog post scheduling. Instead of publishing each post daily, around 10 days after the event, I am going to have two posts per month for my journal entries.

For example, on the 16th of the month, I’ll publish days 1-15 of the month. One the 1st of the next month I’ll publish 16-28-31st of the month.

As I have published days 1-15 of January already, I’m going to start with 16-31st January on the 1st of Feb. Things will be more up-to-date and hopefully, it’ll flow a little more.

It’ll give me more time, a way of simplifying things for me without stopping the blog, which I don’t want to do. I still want to share my experiences. My BSL posts will continue to be as normal, twice a month until the series has finished. Any posts to do with goals or have a topic meaning to me these will become published as soon as I’ve finished writing. They won’t be waiting until the journal entry posts.

I’m going to see how these work out. See if it helps my mind de-stress a little. I want to bring back my love for journalling to when I first started.


26th January

We got some painting done at the house and my stepdad has got through half of the bathroom. It’s starting to look like a house now. I’m gonna continue tomorrow but I think I’m gonna rest Monday. I start on the wards Tuesday and I feel I’m coming down with something so I’m gonna take it easy. It’ll be nice to finish off the bedroom and the living room tomorrow.

I told Dave I’m not sure how I feel about us but he’s still expecting me to say I love you. I take it he didn’t fully understand what I meant by that so I’m gonna have to speak to him again about it. We’ll see how he reacts to what I meant originally.


27th January

Well, I told Dave what I originally meant by ‘I’m not sure how I feel about us’ he said that’s what he thought I meant but I had to say to him that I’m not saying I love you because I feel sick/guilty for saying it. He seems to have accepted this.

Today I’m frustrated and tired by everything. I’ve had my mum asking me what’s going on; are we staying together or breaking up. She doesn’t want to continue putting money into it if we’re not. I understand that. I love the house. I’m not sure I love Dave enough to spend the rest of my life with him.

After dinner we had another talk:

Me: what do you want out of life?

Dave: the house and kids

Me: take me and the house out of the equation. What do you want out of life?

Dave: I don’t know. Getting the Wednesday shift on the other department is making work better. But I don’t want to be there the rest of my life. But I don’t want to move anywhere else. I don’t know what I want out of life outside of work.

Me: how come living together 9 months and it’s taken this long and for me to point out that he doesn’t help unless asked

Dave: he didn’t notice how much I do.

Me: did you notice me? How come you didn’t notice how much I do?

Dave: no answer.

Me: I’m blank, I don’t know how to think or feel.

Dave: I don’t know what to do it say to help.

After that, I gave up trying to understand. Dave says he’s trying to process what I’ve told him yesterday but carrying on as nothing is wrong.

I’m at a stalemate. Stuck where I am. Waiting for an answer to fall into my lap.


28th January

Finished: Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed

Boundary Exercise:

Visualisation > standing in a field, the birds singing, trees around, the sun shining. I felt free, at peace. When I saw my boundary line come up. It was a full thick black line at arm’s length all the way around me. When I saw my boundary line I felt it wasn’t inviting or flexible to me. When the people in my life appeared in my boundary, they were all within it causing me anxiety, fear, frustration, guilt, feeling of sickness, like I was trapped. I did not feel secure at all.

What might be the perfect boundary for me?

I feel my boundary would have those closest to me outside my line where there are doors to my boundary line. They can knock to give permission to cross at the right time. Those who aren’t close but in my life would be further out would be able to message or come closer to knock. There would be windows on my boundary so that we can wave to each other.

Getting to know me exercise (from the past week):

Cared for me or taken a moment to myself > today I read this morning and this evening

Have criticised or felt disappointment in myself > Painting the living room and bedroom but not finishing them

Care for another > helping my mum with her washing

Criticised someone else > Dave

Though about something that’s a reflection owed to my parents > Dave and getting things done at the house

Enjoyed a spontaneous moment with friends > No

Did I laugh at a ridiculous situation > no

Felt frightened but known to be irrational > thinking getting hurt at my new job

Have I sulked or deliberately started a fight > yes, at Dave

Consciously pleasing to another > Not this past week

Overall:

I spent time being critical of myself or others. I’m afraid I have not been taking time for myself or spending it with others or caring. I aim to please others most of the time. I don’t enjoy moments of spontaneous fun like I should do.

No wonder I’ve gone at Dave like I have, even though he did need a wake-up call.


29th January

I had my first shift on the ward today. It was nice to experience the ward. I felt like giving Dave a hug this evening. I felt I missed him as well. I told him that and he said he’ll give me a hug when he got home, which he did. After not a very good sleep last night and being tired after my 12-hour shift I’m feeling tired right now so I’m hoping I’ll sleep better this evening.


30th January

It was nice having a day off after my first shift yesterday. Be interesting how I feel over the next couple having 2 shifts in a row. I’m sure I’ll be fine.
It wasn’t all rest though. I got the main bed and living room painting done. I did a few odd jobs, mileage and watched some telly. I also prepared tomorrows dinner as well to save me the time after my long day shift. I hope to make a habit of doing pasta dishes the day before to help reduce my busyness on my shift days/nights.

I’m also hoping I don’t develop the cough and cold my mum and step dad have. I don’t want a long shift and one of them. It won’t be a pleasant experience.


31st January

The last of January; the month has gone so quickly. Good and bad things have happened this month. Some of the bad I feel needed to happen in order to move forward.

We’ve made some progress on the house. Got a few rooms ready to be able to start getting items in and ordering carpets. Although, we still need to go order and choose carpets.

The goal of being outside this month didn’t happen until the other day. It was nice going for a walk with Dave and the dogs and it helped reduce my stress levels with it all going off this past week.

We went to the Yorkshire Sculpture Park. It was a crisp day but still good walking weather. We walked for a good 2 and a bit hours and also getting over 10,000 steps in. Was also a good photo opportunity.

The dogs might have disagreed; they didn’t want to look into the camera. I’ve only focused on inhabiting my body a couple of times this month. Now having shifts I’m hoping my days off will come into patterns and be able to focus on myself and my body during them. Getting to do my goals will be good for me too.

I think focusing on my and my body is something I want to really focus on in February. Now I’m only working 3 days a week, I have 4 to help me do that. I just need to make sure that I do and get my other goals and the long to-dos done as well.

Things with Dave are feeling a little better now. Think there’s gonna be some moments I’ll get frustrated but that’s more me I think as I’ve grown up learning to be an adult. Whereas Dave has been ‘wrapped up’ by his parents; even his mother agrees that they’ve done that. It’s not gonna be fixed over night but it is fixable.

Life, Relationship

Happy 4th Anniversary

Happy 4th Anniversary to us. 4 years; I cannot believe it. 2 years ago we got engaged and in 18 months we’ll be getting married. It’s been a big year for us. We’ve bought a house that we’re renovating. We’ve booked our wedding; making bigger commitments to one another.

We had a lay in. I temporarily forgot it was Tuesday and finished an episode of telly. Dave told me off and that was all the telly I watched today.

We came home after finishing puppy sitting for the in-laws, able to exchange our presents. Dave got me Noel Fitzpatrick autobiography and the Harry Potter expansion box. I got him the new Game of Thrones book.

We had a trip to the house. Need to ring the skip people as it’s still there. We also need to collect some more plaster for the plasterer. 2 bedrooms are now complete.

I also sorted out my car insurance it was up for renewal and they wanted me to pay an extra 300 a year. Not a chance.

The new job got back to me on yesterday’s replies. I think I’m gonna wait till Friday then hand my notice in. I could also cancel my notice closer to December if necessary.

I’ve spent some of the afternoon on Spyro; sods law it fucked up and lost my saved data. I had to start all over again. I have no idea what happened but anyway I got on with it and gained 16% back.

Now I’ve to finish packing and get to my grandparents, it my turn again to stay over.

Life

‘I’m not a waiting person’

Another relaxing day, I took the dogs for a walk, watched a film, went home to sort my dogs out. Then I took my grandad shopping and to his after op appointment. He’s doing well. My grandma has been a bit moody over the last few days so that’s been fun.

Once back, Dave and I spent the evening in front of the telly again. I also received an update from my new employer. They are missing some things so I’ve been chasing these up. Hopefully, by the end of the week, these will be sorted.

I get apprehensive when I’m waiting for these things to happen. It raises my anxiety levels a bit. Fingers crossed it all goes to plan.


Watched: The Princess Switch > 4 out of 5
How it Ends > 2.5 out of 5

Life

‘Much Needed Time Together’

We’re now at the in-laws, puppy sitting. They left this morning for Newcastle. I woke in time to wish them off. I then let the dogs in to wake Dave up. Once ready we decided to go to Rabbit-Ings Country Park. It was a lovely walk. When we’d decided to head back we hadn’t even walked it all. We did about half it. We’d like to go back. You can see the views for miles. We even sat and had an ice lolly.

We decided then to come back for lunch then go to the cinema. I was home and in my pj’s for 5pm. The only time I got up was for the takeaway and to go to the loo. We had a night together in front of the telly. It was a day together we needed.


Watched: Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Crindlewold > 3.5 out of 5

Life, Relationship

‘Talking While Writing’

I feel mentally drained from looking after my grandma this past 48 hours. But I’m helping them and will continue to do so. It’s family and I’d do anything for them. Back to work for 2 days then my annual leave starts.

Right now, I’m frustrated as I’m trying to write and Dave can see this but he is still trying to talk to me, which is putting me off thinking and writing. I’m a hypocrite, aren’t I? I wait for him to communicate with me but when he does it’s not the ideal time for me. It probably would be better if I said that when I’m writing in my journal that you do not talk until its closed again. That way I’m not frustrated.

Did I though? No. I just wrote the above and carried on with no other words about it.