Communication Break Point

I said something to my other half today. It took me a while to do so. Plus at first, I didn’t think I had to say anything. Well, I know our communication has been shit lately. So I needed to say something at some point. I guess today, hit a breaking point for me.

It all happened because of dinner.

We may be in our mid to late twenties but he is still very spoilt.

He said his mum had texted him asking if he would like her to get him a steak for dinner and to ask me what I would like.

After I breathed through my annoyance of the fact he’s not as independent as I’d like him to be. Relying on his parents and cannot think or take responsibility for much in life. When saying that I think ‘why am I with him?’ Thankfully he’s a nice guy and has a life. Just doesn’t know of life.

I said I’ll find something in the house or have a snack. He replied to his mum, I don’t know what.

He then made a statement that he needed things from the supermarket. His way of asking apparently. So, I picked up some pasta and sauce as I wasn’t that hungry. My dinner sorted. Once at his and his mum home. She asked me what we were having for dinner. “I thought you were getting steak for him?”

“I thought you were getting steak for him?”  I said.

“That’s not what he replied,” she said.

His mum showed me the text he’d sent; ‘it’s OK, thank you, we’ll sort ourselves out’. But didn’t tell me this.

I didn’t say anything to him at first. Thankfully his mum had brought steak anyways and some extra salmon so I could have some. Pasta and sauce can wait for another day.

Once the film we were watching finished; A Girl on the Train. A one time watcher. I asked him why he didn’t tell me what he’d said to his mum.

“I forgot. I was pissed off with my manager”. His own fault by the way.

So I told him he needed to remember and tell me these things straight away. That I feel disconnected from us because we are not communicating. Things need to change.

So, we’ll see if they’ll change.

 

Letting Frustrations Out

I woke with a headache. Still tired and feeling drained. I floated through the day. Or that’s at least how it felt. I didn’t want to do a lot.

Being day five of six and having had four busy days. My body wanted me to slow down. I listened, saying I didn’t want to do the plans we already had. I’m glad now because it down poured that much it was coming through the conservatory roof.

At first, I don’t think my partner was happy about not doing a lot. We hardly spoke today until bedtime and that was more to do with anything but my frustrations.

But I’m glad I had planned a girls night with the one who couldn’t come to the group girls night. It was fun. Had a meal, chatted our frustrations throughout and watched The Space Between Us.

The second time I’ve watched it and it’s still sweet. Enjoyed it.

Getting my frustrations out about my partner to my friend helped me. For when I arrived home I was a little more me.

Now I need to think of a plan of attack to get my partner being a full grown, responsible, adult without me having to ask.

Is that too big of a goal?

An Animal Film

9 am on Tuesday. I’ll be meeting my manager to discuss my potential job opportunity.

I had more of an interest today. Like I didn’t have to think. Maybe because I was in my comfort zone. I even won a free game of mini golf.

We saw War of the Planet of the Apes. When I go see films that have animals in, I feel torn. I don’t know how to feel. I know no animals were actually hurt but I’m seeing animals get hurt. It disheartens me. I did enjoy the film. Made me laugh and cry. I really loved the relationship between the girl and the apes.

It was when I got to my other half’s place that I began to feel different again. That I was there but I wasn’t. We went for a walk. That just gave me a headache and twice this evening I felt sick.

But even with the disinterest. I satisfied my other half needs. I still feel there’s something wrong with me.

Day 2 of annual leave. Roll on day 3.

Little Interest

I felt a little disinterested at times today. I’ve gone out and done some things on my outing list. Being a tourist in my own country is something I want to be interested in. I don’t even know why I felt that way. I’m out doing something I want to do and I’m not fully there.

I can’t wrap my head around it.

I went to Nunnington Hall. Saw the most beautiful Peacock. I’ve not been lucky enough to see them with their tails fully spread out.

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Then off to York; to the Jorvik centre and the Harry Potter shop. The Jorvik centre took forty minutes to get inside! Then spent less time inside the place. This didn’t help my thinking.

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But then to the Harry Potter shop. I didn’t have to wait as long this time. It was good seeing all the Harry Potter merchandise, that I haven’t seen before.

Maybe it’s history that’s not for me. But it’s what I’ve grown up around. Going to stately homes or old ruins.

I did have an achievement today. It may not be one for you reading this, but for those who know me, this is huge… I drove home from York without the SatNav.

After dinner, it was cinema time. I enjoy going to the cinema. It was a shame about the film though. Sorry not sorry to all Marvel/Spiderman fans out there but I only found it watchable.

Towards bedtime, I felt disconnected with my partner. I love when he massages me/caresses my skin. But when I did something I didn’t like because it made me tense rather than relax. He stopped everything. ‘Just giving my arm a rest’ he said.

It maybe true but it made me feel disheartened. I’m sure there’s something wrong with me deep down. I don’t like or find I can’t relax or find painful that should be enjoyable to everyone.

I don’t know the answer. But something has to be done.

 

The Meal

Well, the meal happened. He got sweet potato fries, cheddar and roasted red onion crisp bakes and whole grain rice and quinoa.

I don’t know what I was expecting. I guess I had higher expectations. But what did I expect from someone who doesn’t cook? A full meal made from scratch? Sort of yeah.

It wasn’t a bad attempt. I rated, as my friend said, ‘the come dine with me’ score, 5/6 out of 10 overall.

It did make me think how well my fiance remembers things about me.

The crisp bakes tasted solely of red onions. I don’t like the taste of them. When I mentioned this after he asked me how I was finding the meal. I was given an ‘O yeah’ type shrug!

Today also was my first phone call with the counsellors. Just a top up assessment of the one I sent online last week.

I have been given a relaxation module and have to wait till next Friday to see how they want to proceed.

 

Goal Storming

I’ve been looking into my big dreams and goals. What do I want most out of life? I must know to some degree what I want out of life, right?

Then why does my head go blank each time I think of them? It’s taken me a week but I have six big dreams and four goal declarations.

These are:

Six Big Dreams:

  1. Welcoming, warm home where I am comforted and host friends and family
  2. Live a personally, healthy lifestyle. Mind Body and Soul. Eat well. Be active. Honour my body. Healthy boundaries and relationships.
  3. Travel the world. Make it part of our lifestyle. Learn the culture, language and enjoy the time away.
  4. Make a difference in peoples lives. Help them be independent, complete a goal/dream of theirs, to make them smile each and every day.
  5. Make a difference to the animals in this world. Help them find new homes. Protect their habitats. Be vegan/vegetarian full time. Love all I come across.
  6. Have a deep and playful connection with myself. Meditate. Me time. Breathe. Check in with myself. Feel all. Journal. Move my body. Smile. Do what makes me happy.

Four Declaration Goals:

  1. Exercise at least 4x a week – Timeframe: within three months
  2. Develop a daily journaling practice – Timeframe: within six months
  3. Research where I want to travel – Timeframe: within three months
  4. Research how to help others – Timeframe: within six months

 

My journalling habit started yesterday. Day two today. Going well so far. Don’t you think?

I’ve asked a friend for a journal for my birthday. It’ll make a change to the refill notepad I’m currently writing in. Plus I feel if someone has bought me a nice looking journal for such a purpose. I’ll feel the need to do so.

Fingers crossed to developing the habit.

On a relationship note. I told my fiance he’s cooking on Friday. With the rules:

  • No takeaways
  • No restaurants
  • No pizza
  • No help from me
  • No help from and especially from his mum!!!

We’ve been together two and half years. In this time I remember him trying to cook but his mum practically taking over. Other times he just shrugged and said we’ll eat out.

Am I wrong to want more from my other half?

Surely having a meal cooked for you, where you don’t have to lift a finger or even have to ask is a lot to ask for?

Shall we see what Friday brings?

Off to hide behind a cushion. Goodnight.