Family, Life, Mental Health

Trying to go deeper in my writing

I’ve had moments or days over the past couple of weeks where I’ve retreated into my head. I’ve had no words. I’ve felt sorry for myself. I’m getting myself to the point I’m exhausted I can’t do anything but sleep.

I’ve a lot going on in my life. I don’t always face them when I should. I like to hide from the issues in my life. This isn’t something I wanna do. It’s like a habit I can’t shake. When I wrote that Taylor Swift song Shake it off came into my head. Then the Dwayne Johnson lip sing of that song came into my head. 

My mind likes to wander off. Whether its the right time or not. There are times I can over embellish my problems. Is that the right meaning? I can also talk a lot of crap too. At this point, I started going through my journal. 

I get mind blanks. I think of an event in the future and think of scenarios, making my anxiety levels go up.

How was my life today?

It’s not a good feeling for me to wake to have to defrost my car. I’ve never been a big fan of the cold. The only thing I like about winter is Christmas and I feel that’s all a fantasy in my head.

I had two customer calls then back home for me. I did a week’s worth of mileage, which took me an hour and a half. While messaging people and organising my pre-employment meeting for tomorrow.

I found that the security software people were taking £70 out of my account because of my control issues and trying to take over things this time last year. Thanks to my step-dad that is all resolved.

I’ve started or should I say I’ve started to continue watching Once Upon a Time again. I’m on season 3.

But then I needed to go back to a customer. The final one of the day. Three customers all before lunch ending? Not what I call a job in my books. In the respect that I wanna work a whole shift in one go over a number of hours and not go in and out like I’m currently doing.

While at that customer my mum asked if I could go to my grandparents earlier then I had planned so I said yes. Plus my mum had an appointment.

On my way there I spoke to my dad. Since his diagnoses with Multiple Sclerosis, a couple of years ago we’ve spoken more honest with each other and more often. How bad is it that a long-term health condition can be the reason to bring people closer together.

Once I got to my grandparents I was there for a good four hours. At a time I had, I’m not sure but is resentment the right word. The wanting to run away but I’m trapped, why can’t my mum come to tag me out feelings. Just admitting that makes me feel like the worse granddaughter ever.

My grandma has Alzheimer’s. She has shakes and her balance isn’t the best. She needs to have someone around 24/7 to ensure she’s safe. My grandad is her sole carer. He is in need of a pacemaker and has been needing corrections with his eyes.

It took me and mum, months to get grandad to agree to get carers in. We have them now every morning and twice a week in an afternoon. Today was one of those days, the reason I ended up going earlier than planned was due to the carer running late and not knowing when they would get there so my grandad cancelled.

That time is for my grandad to have a break. We didn’t want this taken away from him, so, hello me. My grandad was able to go swimming, do an odd job, then go to his eye appointment as was the original plan. That meant I got to spend time with my grandma.

Once I got home, I got frustrated with Dave as he didn’t see the text about starting dinner while I was on my way home. I quickly got over that. Once dinner was done, we watched a few more episodes of the Netflix original TV series Scream. A few more sittings and we’ll have finished it.

Having a heart to heart isn’t our thing. I’ve brought up the lack of communication before with Dave. I don’t want to keep sounding like a broken record. Most of that I believe is in my head; down to me retreating into my head. I suppose I find it hard to think of things to say or how to bring up conversations as it is.

I suppose that is the reason why I started journaling in the first place. I also believe this is the longest plus deepest I’ve gone in my writing. Full honesty discloser here. Maybe it’ll help me sleep at night. But then again it’s me feeling cold that’s preventing that. I think this is my honestly for one day. But I know I need to do it more.

Life

16/09

I felt a bit deserted by my other half this weekend. I know I’ve been working but I’ve spent time at home. I’ve come back this evening he’s still not home. It’s great he’s seeing his parents. He doesn’t need to spend nights over when there’s not reason to.

He told me he’s coming back this evening but I have no idea when and he’s not replying to my messages. He’s said he’s bringing me a plate from Sunday dinner. By the time he’s back I might not want to eat.

I’m being paranoid and a bitch.


The house is asbestos free. Me and my step dad went to B&Q to get what is needed for the week.


Finished: Don’t tell the bride to be by Anna Bell

Life, Mental Health, Relationship, Writing

2 Hours Later – I Need to Accept Change More

I had a period of low mood this evening. Dave said he’d be home by 4pm so we could spend the evening together. When 4pm rolled around there was no sign of Dave.

In the end, he was home by 6pm. The dogs and I ended up walking to met him and walked back together.

We still had a lovely evening together. I guess I felt disappointed as I was looking forward to spending quality time together, which did happen but no as I had seen it in my head.

Change of plans is something I need to accept more of.


Watched: Die Another Day > 4 out of 5

Life, Relationship, Writing

I’m Talking Work + Missing Dave

I love helping people. I’m glad I do it for my job. What I’m finding difficult is the travelling. It makes the weeks longer as my work hours are doubles because of the travelling.

Now that my NVQ has finished that’s not holding me back. I could start looking for a job but I don’t want to jeopardise the house buying. I’ve been doing the job 18 months; an extra month or two isn’t gonna hurt.

I feel more like I’m in the right job mind wise then a few months ago. I was ready to walk even with my NVQ happening. If and when I do leave my current job for the next challenge; it’ll be the customers that I miss.

I’m talking work as that’s all I’ve done today. Not exciting reading I know but not all people can lead exciting lives 24/7.

Whether happy, sad, moaning or my best piece yet. I’m gonna still write.


Dave stayed at his parents last night. When we weren’t living together, I found I didn’t really miss him at times. But I’m missing him more now we live together. I feel I am on the right path with him.

Well, it is a good job seeing as we’re buying a house together.

Life, Relationship, Writing

Time Together

Today was the first day where both of us weren’t working for a while; not annual leave. It was nice to be able to have the time together plus do our own thing and know tomorrow we can do the same. Where usually we’d have work the next day.

I also felt I could go around to D and R’s for a film, getting home later. We did have to wake the whole house up to get back in as someone locked an extra door so we couldn’t get in.

All in all, it’s been a lovely day. I’m glad the weather is as nice.

Life, Relationship, Writing

Living Together a Month

It’s certainly a waiting game now. Especially with yesterday being one after another. We’ve sorted out the surveyor for the house.

As I was in the mood for sorting out, I finally booked my car in for its recall appointment and got around to changing more addresses. We’ve been living together a month now. It feels like we have forever. It’s been so natural to us.

Tomorrow is my last NVQ observations. Not sure it’ll be the last for my knowledge questions but the end is near.

Life, Writing

Giddy Moment No. 2

It’s time for a happy dance! The giddy moment is happening. The vendor said yes to our offer. The process has begun on buying a home. I’m proud of myself. I’ve been ringing people up to find out information and to sign up for all the legal processes, I’ve needed to without even thinking or overthinking.

I’m excited but trying not to get ahead of myself. I’ve told my dad the news this evening. We’re still in need of a proper sit down with Dave’s parents. In fact, even though we’ve been together 3 and 1/2 years, our parents still haven’t met. I think I need to set that up too.

New experiences ahead!