Life, Writing

Are you comfortable in where you live?

Whether from being bullied about my body weight or the depression and anxiety, I’ve had negative thoughts about how I see myself and my body.

“I’m not good enough” “I’m not fat enough” “My nose, hair, stomach, thighs, bum isn’t right. They need changing”

Some people go to different extremes in order to get their body right for them. Sometimes it does help and that change allows them to be themselves for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, the changes have also caused more problems then good. Effecting their lives and body love for the rest of their lives. It can affect a person’s mental health significantly too.

Having a health relationship with one’s body isn’t always easy. If it was we’d all love our body the way they are. A health relationship is what I ultimately want. I want to do it in the healthiest way I can for me. How I’m gonna do that, I haven’t figured that part out yet. But I know I don’t want extreme actions.

My negative mindset on my body isn’t as bad as it used to be but it still creams in. Doubting myself and my appearance. It affects my confidence and happiness. I want this confidence and happiness back. I want that dress I love but thought I couldn’t pull it off. That hairstyle it took me 3 years to achieve due to believing I couldn’t do it.

My inner critic is always alert when my body is involved. I need to teach my inner critic that I’m in control. Maybe the inner critic stemed front those who bullied me at school? I’ve always been saddened and held myself back from the bullies. They aren’t in my life anymore. I was very good at running away, well, moving is the word.

I may have spent 17 years in that one place but I never felt entirely comfortable being there. Never felt like home. Where I am now I do. Being comfortable in my surroundings helped me be comfortable in myself. Is it bad I had to move away from where I grew up to feel comfortable in where I am? Like we can have negative people around us, does that me there can be negative places or is it just how our perception has been created caused by the negative people?

Life, Writing

Inner Work

Living an authentic, joyful life doesn’t mean that every moment is an ‘up’. To live authentically and joyfully I am learning that understanding is key.

Understanding that I can’t control every experience in my life. Understanding that it’s okay that I don’t have this control. That authentic living means I can choose my reaction to the messiness in life.

It also means that I make mistakes but it doesn’t mean I am a mistake. That I fail without being a failure. That I’m the one who can give myself permission to be ME.

I don’t need anyone else or a fancy title. Just me to shine on through. I need to explore my gut thinking. Relax into my quirks. Celebrate my strengths and accept my weaknesses.

I can do this by listening to my intuition, voicing an opinion, standing up for myself. Explore and rid limiting beliefs.

A better understanding of me.

I’ve had both good and bad experiences in my life. Not all have I reacted to well. Certainly not the messiness. That is my past. It doesn’t make me for the future. I make my future.

The Kingsman: The Golden Circle > 3.5 out of 5
Antman and The Wasp > 3 out of 5
The Snowman > 1 out of 5

Life, Writing

Connect with Myself: Part 4

There’s always a way of bettering myself. I could learn new skills. I could stop bad habits. I want to better myself. I want to live authentically. I don’t want to be forcing myself to do things. I still want to be true to myself.

I want to be able, to be honest, and true. But I don’t want to be running my mouth. I know I’ve got a lot better at least. My words have gotten me into trouble in the past. I don’t want to be the ruin of me in the future.

I’m working on bettering myself, connecting and learning to love myself and my body. I do stress and comfort eat. With my size, you wouldn’t think it. I have moments where I’m good with my relationship with food. I’ll get good again but I need to stick to the good relationship with food.

I need to work on my ways of coping with stress. Finding the right way for me.

Life, Writing

Connect with Myself: Part 3

When I think about connecting with my inner self, accepting who I am and letting my true self out. I get nervous if the reactions of those around me. Throwing them off balance.

My biggest is Dave. Being my fiance, he will get all of my true self.

Then it would be my immediate family and friends.

Then it would be the reactions of those from work. Would it compromise my job at all?

Thinking this way makes me feel like I can’t be my true self because of people pleasing. Being my true self is something that nothing should stop. Especially other people. It isn’t a selfish act. It’s being true to myself.

I believe any negative reaction from those around me would be because of how they’ve seen me and any changes would question them. Connecting with myself is for me not for others.

Life, Writing

Connect with Myself: Part 1

If I said yes to myself and my life right now I would embrace all of me; my quirks, gifts, flaws, strengths and all. I would be relaxed in my own life. Have acceptance, without shame, guilt or doubt.

I would have an open heart and cherish all. I would feel the joy in all areas of my life. Embracing every moment; good or bad. Working out the best way forward without judgement.

If I felt this right now I would feel differently about my job and the way I live my life. I wouldn’t just feel different. I would be different.

A better version of my current self. Different but the same. Having self-love at the centre of it all.

Life, Writing

Fierce Self-Love: Part 3

I believe that by truly loving myself, it’ll cause me less mental health troubles. I would be loving myself for who I am. Not worrying about others and what they think. Stepping myself back through their judgements and my mind reading them.

I would love my body. Wearing what I want to wear and what I’m confident in regardless of what others think. I would do the things that I love and want to do regardless of my surroundings, money and again other peoples opinions.

Other peoples opinions and please pleasing has been a theme for me. It has improved a lot. I’m taking steps towards doing what I want to do and living the life I want.

The hard things for me are to get the balance and at times saying no. It becomes harder when I say no and need to have an excuse for people as to why I’ve said no. It isn’t the right, acceptable answer for them.

This is something I need to continue to work on. Getting to the point where I love myself unconditionally and apply self-love without it being a second thought is where I’d love to be.

Today’s reflection:


Life, Mental Health, Writing

Fierce Self-Love: Part 2

To be able to love my body completely, I need to learn to love myself fully. To do this I need to know what I love about myself. I’ve grown up very much a people pleaser. Forgoing my own self-love majority of the time.

Up until my mental health decline, I never even thought about self-love as a thing that needed to happen. Now that I know otherwise and I’m less of a people pleaser; I’m now not doing everything for others above myself.

I now realise I’ve got to look after myself and my needs, in order to help others. Even with this realisation, I don’t or haven’t looked within myself of the things I love about myself.

Having a pause to think about this;

I do love that I have the capacity to help others.

I love the motivation to better my mental health.

I love that I’m determined to make something of my life, to find my purpose.

I love the kind heart, the logical and creativity of my brain.