When I left work at 12:15 today, it began my 9-day annual leave. I’m so glad it’s begun. Last time I had time off was back in July. The same time I started this blog and my birthday month.
I took a risk and got my hair cut to my shoulders. Over the past year, I’ve slowly been getting it shorter. This time I just said cut it. I’m glad I did. I really like it.
This evening, it’s been my friend G’s birthday meal. We went to a restaurant I’d never been to before. It was nice to try it out and spend time with good friends.
Boy, was it expensive. I believe the 50/30/20 rule isn’t gonna fit my wages this month. I’m still saving. It’s the essential/lifestyle parts I haven’t got to grips with. I’m not gonna stop trying. I’ll get there. It has started to get me to think where my income is going and my relationship with it.
Wanting courage within myself. That is something I want to embody. To have courage fight through my fear and anxiety. To have it as an instinct rather than that part of me that gets shut behind a door.
Watching Kate Courageous in one of her videos got me thinking about why my courage is behind a closed door. She speaks of her fear routines. Surely I need to understand before I can conquer. Looking at her fear routines, I can’t really pinpoint an exact one I fall into. I have parts in all.
I believe my number 1 is THE SABOTEUR: I try new things or start something but never finish or get to the end then don’t use it. Would have saved me a lot of education debt. All because of fear. Those negative thoughts going through my head. I start things then quit to do something else regardless if I wanna do it anymore. There are times I underperform. Mainly when I’m getting towards my low moods.
But my number 2 THE PERFECTIONIST comes though. At these times the perfectionist helps. But I haven’t worked out how to stop or at least slow it down. I go from underperforming to overperforming. Getting into the drive where I need to be and do better. That I have to do the job, get it done, even though another could have done it exactly the same way. But I need to know that it is perfect. Going into the mindset that I need to do even when I know it’s not right.
I’m not sure which way around to put my number 3 and 4. Could I have a joint one? Have THE MARTER and THE PESSIMIST at the same level.
THE MARTER: I clearly have a saboteur pattern as this is my number 1. I give to others and no go after what I want. This I have reduced slightly. I give to others but am starting to go after what I want. I’m glad I wrote this. I believe THE MARTER is my number 4.
Number 3 has to be THE PESSIMIST: My negative thoughts and anxiety help to rule THE PESSIMIST in me. I get the “things don’t work out for me” feeling. That the world is out to get me. Tests me.
I feel my number 2-4 lead me to the point that they help my SABOTEUR. That it’s feeding off my other fear routines. Now I need to figure out how to cut these fear routines down to open up my courage.
That’s for another day. Do you have any of these fear routines? Do you have your own?
This is what I’ve been chanting to myself every so often when I start to feel my fear, anxiety or that dark cloud over my head. I did that today before my activation challenge for The Courage Council.
Making a recording of a pep talk to myself conversing with fear. The another to my friend in need. I’m not a fan of the sound of my own voice on recordings. Once I did complete them I cringed at the playbacks.
It took me a few stop and deletes before I wrote down what I was gonna say. Read off it when recording. I can get very tongue-tied when nervous. But I did both and sent my friend their pep talk.
I was proud of myself for doing it as previously I would have skipped these challenges. When I got a reply from my friend. He said it meant a lot. That made me smile.
Keep chanting and hopefully, my mindset will change fully in the future.
Here you go as promised my pep talk to myself. Hope this works. Please tell me if not:
Here is the transcript for those who don’t want to listen or don’t understand me or it doesn’t work:
“Fear, you and I need to talk.
You’ve been in the front seat now for too long. It’s time you hop on into the back and buckle up.
I’m in control now. I understand I need you. But we need some ground rules. Myself, my desires and creativity get a vote. When I believe you need to have a say I’ll ask.
Until such time, creativity, desires and I need to take charge. Get to where we what to go. I need to show that I am the capable, strong woman that I am. Not just to all of us in this car but the whole world.
These are the two words that keep popping up for me today. I finished week 1 of The Courage Council and started week 2. Week 2 has been about clarifying risks and understanding fear.
When completing the audio. I found it quite therapeutic. I put my pen to the workbook and the words just flowed out. I let fear control me. It takes the front seat of all decisions and desires I don’t attempt to complete.
Once I had done my bit for the day, I decided to watch a bit of One Tree Hill.
Fear and Risk was in that too. Like there was a connection in the things I do/watch. It was the part where Peyton “brother” attacks her and Lucas and her real brother helps her overcome her fears. Teaches her that she needs to take the risk.
One of my challenges this week was to make a recording; well two. One for myself and one for someone I think needs some kindness, less fear. I have an idea of what I wanna say in each. I wanna put my whole focus into them.
They, well at least mine will be on here soon. Just need to figure that part out.
I started week one of The Courage Council today. The first five-minute task were prompts about believing in yourself. I wrote things down but I struggled to answer.
That realisation of not believing in myself or knowing what I’m proud of about myself. It’s disheartening to me. That positivity and strength, Molly was talking about. I lack within myself.
This needs to change!
The next task to write down the doubts I carry. Well, that wasn’t hard. I even kept going over time.
The doubts need to change to beliefs!
Again I found the same thing during the slices of life task. I was able to fill in my destroy and weakness boxes. The build and strength ones on the other hand only had one or two in or nothing at all.
I may have already started this work but I’ve already noticed something I need to improve upon.
I’ve always struggled with confidence but I thought I had belief in myself. I find simple things hard to do. Just like a moment ago for instance. I needed my neighbour to move her car to enable me to move mine, in order for my stepdad to get his van on the drive once he got home.
I went straight to panic mode. Even asked my mum if she’d do it. I knew the answer was gonna be no. I took a deep breath, put a big jumper on and went round.
My neighbour was lovely with it. Happy to move her car. Said she was even watching out for my stepdad to get home.
I don’t know why but I find speaking up, asking for what I want scary.
Let’s make a goal.
Goal: Do the things that scare me
It’s quite a broad goal but right now a lot of things scare me. I have a fear of baths remember. Big or small. I need to do them.