I’m Talking Work + Missing Dave

I love helping people. I’m glad I do it for my job. What I’m finding difficult is the travelling. It makes the weeks longer as my work hours are doubles because of the travelling.

Now that my NVQ has finished that’s not holding me back. I could start looking for a job but I don’t want to jeopardise the house buying. I’ve been doing the job 18 months; an extra month or two isn’t gonna hurt.

I feel more like I’m in the right job mind wise then a few months ago. I was ready to walk even with my NVQ happening. If and when I do leave my current job for the next challenge; it’ll be the customers that I miss.

I’m talking work as that’s all I’ve done today. Not exciting reading I know but not all people can lead exciting lives 24/7.

Whether happy, sad, moaning or my best piece yet. I’m gonna still write.


Dave stayed at his parents last night. When we weren’t living together, I found I didn’t really miss him at times. But I’m missing him more now we live together. I feel I am on the right path with him.

Well, it is a good job seeing as we’re buying a house together.

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Work can still make me anxious

Today I felt sick due to being anxious in a long while. I shadowed another carer on a call to meet a customer new to me. I believe I felt sick because I knew I would either be accepted or not. I’m glad I had customer around that call that I knew.

Thankfully, I was accepted. I’m on my own tomorrow with the customer. I feel better about going. Hopefully, I’ll have no sick feeling.

Being Happy in my Job

You’ve probably read I’m a community carer if you’ve read my previous posts. Last August I was given the opportunity to do extra for the company within the office. Since starting this part of my role, I’ve felt a bit mixed.

There was never a new contract, just a verbal agreement about what I would be doing. Many times since, I’ve felt more of a negative vibe from the office side of things. More due to the fact that they’ve requested more of me and expect me to do things beyond the agreement.

Some of the things I’ve been happy to do, whereas others I haven’t been able to say no. For times I’ve said no and done what’s best for me, I haven’t felt the respect.

I love my carer side of my job. The job I’m contracted for. I’m good at it. That’s the place I wanna be. I feel positive out in the field. Due to this, I have given my notice to the office side of my role.

I want to be doing what I love.

A Change for my Self-Care

This week has been a long one for me. I’ve worked all week. I’ve been in my funk. I’m so tired. I feel my body is shutting down on me. For a while, I’ve thought about changing my availability at work again. I’ve been holding it off.

After talking with Dave, I’ve changed my availability form. I’ve done it so 2 days a week I finish at 5pm. Along with my 2pm finish on a Friday and 2pm start on a Saturday on my weekends on. I’ll have 3 evenings and 1 morning a week for myself to be able to have some down time.

Feeling this way made me not want to socialise and just get into bed. But I still went and I’m glad I did. Good food, company and an alright film,. Feeling this way makes me grateful for my annual leave coming up.


Watched: 12 Rounds 3: Lockdown > 3.5 out of 5

The Insights Keep Coming

There was a time when I would get frustrated, start rushing things when a call out for work I was on ran over time. Now, I can tell my mindset is changing, continuing to grow in the right direction.

I had thoughts but I let them pass through, allowing me to get on with what I needed to do to help my lady get comfortable again, mind and body. My 1/2 hour call ended up being 1 hour and 25 minutes. The extra time I’m not getting paid for. This also got to me.

But last night regardless of these things, I was making a difference to my lady. She was embarrassed, upset, angry at herself and the situation she was in. But thankful and grateful for what my other carer and I did and the patience we showed.

That moment right there is the reason I want to help others, make a difference. To see the change from bad to good in the person and/or situation. I am on the right path.

 

Work Effecting Mood

I’m day 2 of my 7 day work week. I’m already tired, dreaming of my NVQ to finish so I can change jobs. Even though I’ve still got a couple of months left to wait for that. I am grateful, due to how my annual leave has fallen, that I now get 5 weekends off in a row.

I’m also proud of myself for saying no to a call I was asked to add to my already packed day. If I had said yes, I wouldn’t have been able to have my 1/2 hour break at my grandparents to have my dinner.

I’m grateful for my grandparents for allowing me to pop in between calls, otherwise, I’d be eating out of a lunchbox, in a layby, in the dark. At this time of year, I don’t feel comfortable with that. Being at my grandparents meant I could have a proper meal and a hot one.

A good nights sleep will hopefully get me into a more positive mood again.

One of my Paths so Far

Next week will be my last therapy session. These 5 weeks have flown by. No doubt the next week will do the same. I’m glad I’ve attended the sessions. It’s given me the awareness that having a conversation does help.

Neither I or the counsellor went into the room with an agenda. Conversation flowed, obviously the topic was me.

In tonight’s session, we got onto me finding a sense of purpose and satisfaction in my job, the nature of my job anyway. That it’s my first time feeling like this is what I wanna do with my life. We spoke about why I didn’t feel this way about my other jobs or career routes.

Growing up, like any other kid I imagine has: I wanna be…. when I get older. I believe mine were: dancer or a vet. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I was good at ICT, so I went down that route. I got into my third month at university, I withdrew myself. I was bored.

I’ve always had a love for animals, so I started volunteering around paid work. After a while, I decided I’d like to work with animals. I applied for an Animal Management and Welfare degree. I got in.

Got working at kennels, volunteered when I could. Past first year. Did my placement year, all still while working. Around this time my mental health declined. The first time I was affected. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t understand myself. Saw doctors, had telephone counselling, getting towards my final year at university.

I was beginning to get excited again. I also was having this unsettling feeling I couldn’t explain. I just ignored it and carried on. At Christmas, in my final year, I withdrew myself. I left with a Higher Certificate of Education in the degree topic and experience, working with different kinds of animals.

I just wanted to work and get my mental health back. Still working at the kennels. Still had unsettled days. A point came where I believed I needed to take the next step in my career. I got a job within a veterinary practice as a Trainee Veterinary Nurse.

I was nervous. Always. I was terrified. I was emotional. I couldn’t stay in a couple of surgeries. I had to walk out, have a sit-down. Otherwise, they’d have to clean me off the floor too.

That unsettled feeling was telling me that this isn’t it. This isn’t what I should be doing. I felt a failure. I love animals. I wanna make a difference to them. A part of me felt that if I carried on I’d lose that love for them I’ve had my whole life.

I basically took the first thing I could find job wise and ran. Into pretty much a job that wasn’t a job.

It’s been a year and nearly a half since then. I’ve been beating myself up about it periodically since. Everyone plus myself knew the animal path was for me. That was where I was supposed to be.

I’m sure if I knew now, then, I wouldn’t have beaten myself up about it. I would have been able to tell my loved ones how I felt.

Talking about this in today’s session got me to realise I’m in the right place now. Helping people is what I wanna do. Make a difference to others. That doesn’t mean I’ve lost my love for animals. Far from it. I still love animals. I still volunteer at the same place I started out at after my first university withdrawal.

I get to help and be around animals on my terms.

Having this conversation has led me to the path of forgiving myself. That I didn’t run away at that point in my life. I just wasn’t on the right path.


Watched: Atlantis: The Lost Empire > 3 out of 5