I’m not really sure what to do about my job. I know I don’t wanna do it or should I say I don’t wanna be doing it how the role I’m in does the job. To begin with, I liked the driving about, being in different places all the time. I think the novelty has worn off.
I like caring for the customers. Helping them where I can. But it’s the travelling about and the unsuitability of being in the community I’m struggling with.
Each week is different. But not good different. In the sense, I don’t know what my rota is gonna say. I may have regular customers but I don’t have a regular pattern to my rota. Or when I feel I have one. It changes again.
I need structure, routine. Be able to know when and where I need to be in advance. Being able to plan things help me.
To be able to have a full day where I’m not anxious to look at my phone just in case its work. I need to be honest but I don’t wanna lose my job.
Anyone been in a situation like this?
The thing that’s stopping me from just looking for another job is my NVQ. My employer paid for my course fees. If I leave before three months after its completion, I have to pay them back.
I don’t know the cost. I did ask at the end of my module hand in email the cost but not sure whether they’ll be able to tell me. I have a week until the remote call. See what happens next week on the job front.
Well, I’m clearly having one of them weeks. Went to the office for my afternoon working. My manager had forgotten I was coming. No computer for me to use. The accused me of doing something I hadn’t done! Instead of the five hours, I had planned to be there, was there for half an hour.
Instead of the five hours, I had planned to be there, was there for half an hour.
I think that all who work on business computers know that they shouldn’t use them for personal use. Apparently, after I have left on Monday, a part of a CV was found/printed. So, I got the blame.
Out of all the colleagues, my manager only knows me who has worked with animals, has the qualifications in that field and lived in a different part of Yorkshire. Yes, there were similarities but I’m clearly not the only one.
Once I got home, I received an apology email. Due to the half an hour in the office, it had put me in a low mood. My anger manifests as low mood I think. I’m waiting until I reply.
Let’s hope next weeks trip to the office goes better.
Not much happened for the rest of my day. When not on calls, I watched telly. Fell asleep for an hour during one program.
I really need to put my mind into reducing my telly watching.
A piece of good news. The family has expanded again. A baby girl, my new cousin was born in the early hours of this morning. Now there is just my sister-in-law ready to go or pop. two baby girls down, we believe, a baby boy yet to come into the world.
I feel a bit reserved this morning. Not sure why. Maybe because I have my NVQ assessor to observe me tomorrow. Just some nerves on what I have to do. I’ll be glad once it’s over.
Thankfully, I haven’t had to ring the office this morning on my first trip out. Will need to clarify about one of the new customers though. I felt it went better than yesterday. But I believe things need to change.
The weekend draws near. Cannot wait for my massage on Saturday.
I woke up early again to do some yoga. I was in good spirits. Then I arrived at my first customer. A new customer. It was like I’d never done the job before.
Neither of us knew how to or even the best way of getting dressed. When asking where things were the customer had no idea. Nor did the husband. It was like all three of us had walked into the house for the very first time.
Then from there, it took me fifteen minutes to do a three-minute journey. After multiple calls to the office. I finally found where I needed to be. By this time I was shaking inside. My chest tight with stress and/or anxiety.
Brave face on and my customer was portraying how I felt. Finding it hard to calm his poor lady. Who again I’d never met before. It was difficult. It’s OK when you know them and understands their ways in order to calm and distract.
This feeling had clouded over me for the rest of the day. Affecting my body, my mind and ultimately my job.
I clearly fell to telly this evening. Struggling with the reduce telly goal. O and I brought a caramel and chocolate flapjack and ate. No wonder the left of my lip is quivering.
A new day tomorrow.
A new start.
Call it luck or the right way up. But when my alarm went off this morning. I did it. I got up. No hitting snooze or putting the alarm on for a later time.
I so totally have done that before.
Go me. I did all I had set myself to do. All was going well until I was driving to work. I started to feel the anxiety firing up in my chest. I had to breathe to stop myself falling apart.
But all for nothing.
It went well. I did have the shakes at times. Mainly when having to contact colleagues. It’s scary when I know how they are feeling. It’s like I’m a hypocrite. But I can’t help it as that’s my job role entails.
So, I’m going to try to prevent myself having to get in their business by doing the best job I can and help along the way when I can. Hopefully, we can find a happy medium.
Being home alone has been better this evening. Even did some of my jigsaw puzzle. Here’s hoping the fog is starting to lift. I only want to go upwards from here.
Writing is something I believe has helped. Getting the words that are floating around my head, out. Guess I didn’t wanna listen when my mum said “write your feelings down” when I was younger.
More fool me.
I’m sat here watching Long Lost Family. I always get emotional watching this show. It makes me grateful for having my own family. I not only have my parents but an extended family too. Step parents, step siblings etc.
I have lost family members just like everyone else. I still miss them to this day. I may not remember all my memories with them but I remember my love for them.
Well, onto the day I’ve had. It’s been a good day, a productive day. One where I have put all down and accepted telly time as me time. The raspberry fragrance in the air from my candle.
The meeting with manager and director happened today. Talked me through the role. Which didn’t take long. I said yes. This means I will be working once a week in the office. Every Thursday. A full day one week and a half day the next, then repeat.
I’m looking forward to it. My mood has been great today.
The only let down has been by my NVQ assessor. She was due to ring me today about our meeting. But to reasons unknown has failed to do so.
Some more good news as I write this.
My other half past his entry level Maths exam. Second times a charm. Next stage is for him to do the next level to work towards his GCSE Maths.
Not too late to accomplish something which was failed earlier in life.
Why do I feel more awake now then I do any other time of day. It’s coming up to bedtime. An early morning beckons and no matter the time, early or late, I go to bed, I don’t want to get up in a morning.
I remember a time when I woke first thing without my alarm clock even going off yet.
“Life I suppose”.
A doctor said that to me before. My blood result had come back normal. He told me it was life, you’ll get over it!
So glad I wasn’t suicidal.
Thinking of what the doctor said to me, now just makes me angry. Saying that to someone, who another doctor, not long after, put me on anti-depressants and referred me to a counsellor.
Clearly not due to the other doctor. But because of life!
But because of life!
I got through that stage in my life. But life keeps coming – kicking me in the arse.
In just over a week I will be back at a therapist. This time in a group setting. So far not on anti-depressants. Hopefully, it helps me cope some how.
Writing I’ve found to help. I was never good at writing when at school. Sometimes even now, I’m not great. But I’m writing for me. I’m enjoying it. I’m sharing it.
Update on my job opportunity: now rearranged for 3:15 pm tomorrow. Let’s see what this brings.