journal entries, Life

Journal Entries: 1st – 15th April 2019

1st April

I didn’t sleep well last night. I feel it was anxiety I had from my last shift that’s been floating around my head for the past few days. The shift itself went well. I’m not 100% comfortable but right now it’s a job that I’m able to learn from. I feel it’s gonna be valuable to me. I need to pick myself back up and enjoy the good things I have right now.


2nd April

I’m grateful to be able to spend time with my dad and step-mum.


3rd April

I spoke about what I’m feeling, or should I say not feeling. I’ve felt it for a while but been in denial/didn’t want to admit to myself. Now I just have to say it to the person who needs to hear it. Will this make me sleep better? I don’t know but I can’t let it go on longer then it should. I now just have to wait until we meet face to face.


4th April

Watched: Oceans 8 > 3 out of 5

I felt like I had a bit more of a purpose today. I volunteered this morning, came home and did some odd jobs. I even walked the dogs twice, one of which was a family occasion. I need to figure out what it is I want to be doing with my life. Is there anything in the world that is gonna pay me enough or is there something that is gonna keep me interested with the main thing of not causing me to feel anxiety?


5th April 

I got through today’s shift. I’m not 100% sure about how I go on when certain members of staff are on and in a stressful mood. But I know I shouldn’t think that way as that is trying to mind read others. That isn’t a good thing to be doing. I know this, I catch myself at times and tell myself to stop.

There are things happening with my grandparents; they’ve been ongoing for a few years but some positive things have happened today. There’s been new equipment been put in place with one set of grandparents. These will make things easier for them and us in moving around. Another grandma seems to be accepting the care home she’s been placed in the other day, for the first time in after how long a road it’s taken to get there. So fingers crossed it all stays positive.


6th April

I’ve been down today. I have no reason to give as to why. I don’t like feeling this way. I’d rather know what the reason is, that way I have an idea what to do with my issues.

I’m meeting Dave tomorrow. It’s time I need to tell him how I feel. He wants to bring things into the house but doesn’t seem to want to help get it to the finished point. I feel like there’s no care about him helping. It’s just I’ll meet you and bring things when the work is done.


7th April

Dave and I went for a walk today. Not where we originally planned; a walk all the same. I didn’t want to drive somewhere that didn’t have an escape option for the both of us after the conversation I knew I needed to say. We had the chit chat part down for most of the walk until on the way back. I started the conversation about how I felt and didn’t feel. We ended the relationship. I ended it but there was no fight back or negativity from Dave.

We agreed we could be friends still and that I could try to ask for the whole ownership of the house. It’s a waiting game to see what happens with the house and then to get our belongings back from each other’s parents house.

As a friend said “It may be crappy at the moment but it’ll get better” and from another “It’s a brand new start where you’ll flourish”.


8th April

I had my first supervision at work. It’s one where I offload about work without having any worries with what I say. I feel that way with the person I have. I think if I had someone who works on my ward full time I wouldn’t be as open. I have these every 4-6 weeks and I think they’ll help me process what I want to do work wise for the future. From that, I had a to-do and I’ve had a couple to-do beforehand. I sorted out one to-do from before the meeting and the one from the meeting.

I know I’ve grown in confidence over the last 3 months, workwise and I’m sure I’ll continue to grow each day.


9th April

Watched: Death Wish (2018) > 2 out of 5

Finished Reading: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

I thought I was good by myself. I’m independent by being able to do things for myself but I’m not comfortable fully in knowing myself and what to do to past the time. I guess being in a relationship for the past 4 and 1/2 years a part of me has been lost since I was last single.

I’m wandering around the house wondering what to do with myself on a day where it’s no telly. That is something I need to find out. Do the things I enjoy and find out new things about myself I didn’t before.

I had a walk and a dance around to music; two things I enjoy but also help with my health. I finished a book and started a new one. It was a takeaway night at my parents. They decided to eat it in front of the telly. Being no telly day for me, I was a bit apprehensive at first but I thought if I ate mine at the time I would be isolating myself, to then go to my room after the food.

Because of this, I decided to join them and we ended up watching a film together. A no telly day is something I am keeping for myself but I don’t want it to take away time with those I love.


10th April

I said to someone at work that I’d rather be alone and happy than with someone and be unhappy. For some reason I don’t yet, people get involved with things that don’t concern them. I had a friend message me today to apologise for being the reason D and I broke up.  Her ex, who happens to be a friend of D’s was blaming her because he was unhappy she had told another friend the news.

I don’t have a clue what was going through his head. I don’t want to know. I informed D with my friends’ permission and reassured her that our break up wasn’t anything to do with her and everything that she said what the truth to our other friend. It all seems bizarre really. Will have to see what surprises happen soon.


11th April

Expectation Circle:

What are my intentions for this circle?

To see the expectations I may have for what they are. To be able to reduce these over time and figure out more about myself to enable me to love me for who I am and know who I am.

Tell the truth in my journal – I don’t have to do anything about what I write until I’m ready

Expectations to me are things I feel pressure to accomplish. I say need, it’s more a should. That people-pleasing way so not to let others down, even if not 100% for me. Although I have started to reduce the expectations from my anxiety, it’s still something that causes me ill feelings.

Who am I ‘supposed’ to be right now?

Kindness Acts. Homeowner. Blogger. Single. 27. Employee. Granddaughter. Daughter. Goal Setter. Volunteer. Friend. Doggy Mum.

I’m ‘supposed’ to be in a relationship I’ve just come out of due to ease and financial. But that’s not allowing me to be happy.

What feels like a ‘should’ in my life right now?

  • I should be in my own place right now
  • I should be happy with my body and what I put into it
  • I shouldn’t be sat watching telly in all my spare time
  • I should be out with friends and family
  • I should look my best all the time
  • I shouldn’t let other people’s judgements and actions affect me
  • I should be doing actions to my goals every day
  • I should be married and have kids
  • I should fit into the personal lives of my colleagues

I have made choices before based on the path I was on and those around me expected to finish that route; whether it was to do with my career or life choices. I guess I’ve relied on those expectations of others that I haven’t trusted my gut about and known where I wanted to go in the future.

What do I want now? Am I working towards them? Are they all mine?

I want my own place, to be able to live independently and feel the freedom to do as and when I please.

I want to feel I’m being wholehearted in the life I’m living.

I want to help people live a better life.

I want to travel and have new experiences.

I say I want to live an adventurous lifestyle.

If these are true or not, I’m not 100% sure. 


12th April

My body love is lacking. I am comfort eating to the point I get pains in my stomach. I’m not doing much exercise apart from walking. Loving my body is hard. But why is it so?

I’ve received a new exercise outfit today, I like yoga and pilates. I want to get back into a routine to help me feel good about myself and in my body. It’s something I’m gonna have to work hard at. It’s not happiness that comes easily to me. I guess breaking in a new habit isn’t I don’t wanna eat and slump myself sick.

I want to live a life that allows me and my body to have the energy to get up and go. If I had that energy, maybe I would have enjoyed a great night with a friend and made a new one. I’m self-sabotaging my life. I believe a part of me is scared to get out there and live it.


13th April

We had a group meet up this evening, meaning it was the first time seeing D since we broke up. I felt awkward around him really. I guess I’ve got to get used to seeing him as a friend only now where before we’ve only had that couple status. I’ll be seeing him again tomorrow for a couple of hours. Hopefully, I’ll feel less awkward about things.


14th April

I’m letting D get under my skin. Well, I should say in my thoughts. My thoughts are causing me to be frustrated at him. The thoughts are my problem. This weekend, I’ve seen D on two occasions, both with friends. Each time he appears to be his happy go lucky self like nothing has happened. I’ve been told by a friend he’s taking the break up hard.

I don’t doubt my friend. But just like when in a relationship he’s not showing me his true feelings and it is frustrating me. Yes, we’re still friends. His deepest, darkest feelings are not mine to know anymore. But saying he is fine to me and not to another is what is causing me to take it harder then it should. It’s put me in an annoyed mood at the two meetups. I don’t want is causing a break up in the group. I need to stop it affecting my thoughts because it’s stopping me from being present in the moment.


15th April

I set myself the target of only using social media on a Friday and Saturday. I’ve been back using social media for 5 months and I’ve reverted back to using it as a procrastination and avoidance technique. I’ve had moments of picking up my phone and looking through it. If I hadn’t set myself the goal to not use social media I believe I would have spent quite a lot of time on Facebook or Instagram.

My social media and phone usage are preventing me from staying present in the moment. I’ve set this action item for myself to help me realign with myself and space; a Q2 goal. I did so well at having 13 months from social media entirely. It would be a shame to have my habit get that bad to have to reinstate that.

I feel having the 2-day social media usage week will allow me to work on stopping me grabbing my phone and think and do things I enjoy and need to get done. If I’m grabbing my phone, do I really enjoy what it is I’m doing?

Life

A New Job Chapter Ahead

Tomorrow I have my last call in my community care worker position. Just having one call, makes today feel like it’s my last day. I am over the moon. It’s just over 2 years I’ve been in this job. It’s had its good times but the frustrations of it caused them to be over shadowed.

In 11 days time I’ll start my new adventure. My aim for the break in between is to get shit done and rest some.

Goals, Life

What do you value in yourself?

When I think of an answer to the question “What do I value in myself?” I think of traits I have; like being organised. Wow, it’s really hard. Saying nice things about myself shouldn’t be hard. My mind goes blank. I guess my negative beliefs. Have taken over that much I can’t even think of good things about myself.

If I’m to love my body, I also need to love the person I am. Thinking more positive about myself. I treated myself today and got my nails done. Glitter and snow flakes ready for Christmas. That is one thing I love. Having my nails all painted up. I’ve one thing I love about my body now. I’ll have to learn to find other lobes about my body.

Body love is a big thing that can change the way I see myself. I believe it’ll help me with my goal of learning to inhabit my body. I take a pleasure in having my nails done. I want to have the sense of pleasure more often. This is a type of sensual pleasure. Pleasure being one of my ways of being.

I’d like to learn the sensual pleasures not just having enjoyment in the bedroom. Having my nails done is one sensual pleasure I’d like to carry on.

This led me to looking into other ways of inhabiting my body. I found a post that gave ways of getting in touch with your body. I’ve decided to try each on this list throughout 2019. Plus any more I find during my research, to see if any are a pleasure for me or teach me something about myself.

Some of these items scare me and some I judged when I read them. Then I felt guilty for judging. One thing occured to me when I read the post was do I know the true meaning of inhabiting my body?

So, naturally, I googled it. It brought me to this meaning:

Breathing through the emotional pain of our human experience is an initiation that makes more room for our soul to inhabit out body – Intuitive Creativity

Get out of my head and feel my emotions is what I took from that. I found others tell their honest thoughts on their body loves.

It’s great to see others out there telling their stories. I hope to continue to share mine along the way. I know I need to take things slow.


Watched: About a Boy > 3.5 out of 5

Bad Teacher > 3 out of 5

Life, Writing

What’s your body love truth?

I was bullied when at school for my weight. I’m naturally thin. I can eat anything and no put weight on. The women in my family seem to have the same thing. Clearly, it’s in the genes. When at a certain age, the weight starts to pile on.

Growing up I was shy and didn’t have confidence in new surroundings. Even when I got used to people and gained friends I still wasn’t my full self. I felt I had to lie about things so that I would be liked. Whether I lied or told the truth I felt like I couldn’t win and struggled to stay friends with others. Falling in and out with those around me on a regular basis.

One of the things that got me down the most was “friends” kept calling me anorexic. I was thin, yes, but I was never anorexic. I feel this didn’t help me love my body or have the best relationship with food.

I was a picky eater. My dad never knew what to feed me when I went to visit. Pizza Hut was the place to go. I love pizza to this day. I wasn’t very helpful in saying food choices to eat. I just rather have stayed quiet. I would eat in front of others, but when I was home I went through stages of not eating much or comfort eating loads. I still have spells of comfort eating now, just not to that extreme.

No matter how much or little I ate my weight never changed. The only time I thought, “Yes, I’m putting on weight” then felt depleted again once I connected it to my period each month.

I saw a dietician while at college. Even with her pointers, nothing changed. My relationship with food is better now, I even try to eat healthier and have a more varied diet.

I have never “dieted”. I feel if I started I would cause more harm to my body the good. I love my body now more then I did at school but I’m not 100% with it.

When it comes to exercise, I did dancing, gymnastics and the PE we had to do while at school. But since leaving exercise and my body/mind have not been friends. I go through phases where an exercise is something I do. But times I’ve stopped because I connect it with my weight or how thin I looked.

Other times I’ve done it and thought I’m not strong enough physically to do what I was doing in order to carry on. So why bother? Not thinking to build up my strength having an exercise routine could help. I’ve seen physiotherapists about different parts of my body. They’ve told me I’ve a muscle imbalance. I’m weak in my muscles and exercise is something to help strengthen them.

Plus it’ll be good for having a healthy body and mind. Seeing that my mental health has highs and lows this would have been motivation. But no. I think my mindset relationship with my body needs to get into a level of agreement in order to help my body love to grow.

I like what AZ said in a Holiday Council post about her joy of exercise:

I call it joyful movement because I do indeed find it joyful and feel so much better when I do it – not to try to lose weight or anything but because I know how good I feel

I like that because she’s found a way to put it so it sounds joyful as well as doing whats joyful to her.

In 2018 I set a personal ground rule to do a daily movement. This isn’t something I’ve done on a daily basis. I’ve gone about my daily needs but not mindfully set time or thought ‘let’s go for a walk’ etc. I’m also one to start something and give up or even just forget about it.

To allow myself to find pleasure in loving my body, I feel this would need to change. Right now, I don’t have an answer to how things could change. I believe reflecting on how I’ve felt/been in the past could help me to get better for the future in learning to inhabit my body.

I want to focus on feeling good. Not force myself and my body to do things we’re not ready for.

Could that be my body love mantra?

Life

Week 3 Reflection: Progress

My aim to complete my three actions:

  1. Buy Paint for the Kitchen
  2. Walk the Dogs
  3. Research Inhabiting my Body

Good news is that I completed 1 of the actions. I’ve bought the paint for the kitchen; well the white undercoat.

Why didn’t I complete the other 2 steps?

Mainly because I watched telly instead. The thing I turn to in all occasions. Tomorrow is another day, plus no telly Tuesday. Beating myself up about not doing the 2 other steps isn’t going to help me get closer to them.

I went today to see the plasterer to tell him not to sand down the walls. The plug sockets are left to put on and I really hope he cleans up after himself. The in two weeks, after the holidays, the second plasterer is coming to fix the problem. I also believe we have a gas engineer on hand to come service the boiler once the radiators and the water pipes are linked up.

It’s a shame he’s unable to sort my parents’ boiler out. We’ve called his recommendation but it’s gonna be 48 hours before he can get here. It’s freezing outside and the boiler is broken. Fun times, don’t you think.

The second quote for the windows was given today. I didn’t feel at ease with this person. It was a better quote then last weeks one but the buy now, pay later is a smaller month span. So we’ve booked a second viewing with the first, as they’ve got a longer payment option. They’ve also kindly brought down the price by a few hundred. We’ll see how that goes in a couple days time.

Anyways, I’d better end here, I really should be getting to my grandparents. Good Night.


Watched: The Christmas Chronicles > 3.5 out of 5

Life, Writing

My Impostor Complex

Everyone has a different perception of what mess is. When you feel messy, no one else knows now messy but you. We think other people are judging us for how messy we are. No one is. They’re thinking the same. I’ve been told this an impostor syndrome/complex.

That internalisation and discounts in excellence is the complex at work. The opposite is unshakable confidence. Well, I certainly don’t have that. If my understanding of the impostor complex is correct, I have it. I may not show behaviours all the time but I go through stages where this would be the case.

These internalised failures and discounted of excellence need to be confronted. Confront the lies, I believe and actions/behaviours I do. Thinking about what I am deeply capable of which, will be more then I realise. When we’re surrounded by those we trust, ask for their help; be together. Those around me want me to succeed. I need to let them. Accepting their help, won’t kill me.

The confidence comes from alignment. But do I have alignment in all I do? Is there gonna be work that’ll bring out the impostor complex? Most likely. But will it give me joy, gratefulness, gratitude or a sense of connection leading to alignment? If so then I want to be doing it, no matter what.

I won’t be alone. There are people around me going through the same. I need to decide to strive. Stop letter the impostor complex have the upper hand. Put the work in by doing the work that I love; that aligns with my truth. I need to allow myself to choose what I want to do with what’s in front of me. I may choose to go back, to stay or to quit. Whichever decision I make is okay.

I need to celebrate where I am and want more for myself. Stop apologising and comparing to others.


Watched: The Shanghai Job > 1.5 out of 5

Life

My Hesitation/Fears for 2019

It’s been lovely to have 5 days off work. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to go back tomorrow. I’m trying to think that I have 3 weeks left of which is 13 days worth of work. Hopefully, it’ll go quickly.

We had our first window and door company come to quote us today. We thought it was a good price. We’ve another coming next week so we can compare. But I’ve a good feeling about the person who came today, he didn’t try to get us to buy today either.

With all the other financials that we’re to pay out over the next year. I’m thinking a big goal for 2019 should be about money.

I suppose my hesitation or fears for my 2019 vision is that I’m not gonna succeed. Also, it’s that fear I’ll fall into my procrastination habit rather than getting the motivation to get things done.

I definitely need more accountability, I’m used to keeping things to myself. Rather than having others keep me on track.