Life

A New Job Chapter Ahead

Tomorrow I have my last call in my community care worker position. Just having one call, makes today feel like it’s my last day. I am over the moon. It’s just over 2 years I’ve been in this job. It’s had its good times but the frustrations of it caused them to be over shadowed.

In 11 days time I’ll start my new adventure. My aim for the break in between is to get shit done and rest some.

Goals, Life

What do you value in yourself?

When I think of an answer to the question “What do I value in myself?” I think of traits I have; like being organised. Wow, it’s really hard. Saying nice things about myself shouldn’t be hard. My mind goes blank. I guess my negative beliefs. Have taken over that much I can’t even think of good things about myself.

If I’m to love my body, I also need to love the person I am. Thinking more positive about myself. I treated myself today and got my nails done. Glitter and snow flakes ready for Christmas. That is one thing I love. Having my nails all painted up. I’ve one thing I love about my body now. I’ll have to learn to find other lobes about my body.

Body love is a big thing that can change the way I see myself. I believe it’ll help me with my goal of learning to inhabit my body. I take a pleasure in having my nails done. I want to have the sense of pleasure more often. This is a type of sensual pleasure. Pleasure being one of my ways of being.

I’d like to learn the sensual pleasures not just having enjoyment in the bedroom. Having my nails done is one sensual pleasure I’d like to carry on.

This led me to looking into other ways of inhabiting my body. I found a post that gave ways of getting in touch with your body. I’ve decided to try each on this list throughout 2019. Plus any more I find during my research, to see if any are a pleasure for me or teach me something about myself.

Some of these items scare me and some I judged when I read them. Then I felt guilty for judging. One thing occured to me when I read the post was do I know the true meaning of inhabiting my body?

So, naturally, I googled it. It brought me to this meaning:

Breathing through the emotional pain of our human experience is an initiation that makes more room for our soul to inhabit out body – Intuitive Creativity

Get out of my head and feel my emotions is what I took from that. I found others tell their honest thoughts on their body loves.

It’s great to see others out there telling their stories. I hope to continue to share mine along the way. I know I need to take things slow.


Watched: About a Boy > 3.5 out of 5

Bad Teacher > 3 out of 5

Life, Writing

What’s your body love truth?

I was bullied when at school for my weight. I’m naturally thin. I can eat anything and no put weight on. The women in my family seem to have the same thing. Clearly, it’s in the genes. When at a certain age, the weight starts to pile on.

Growing up I was shy and didn’t have confidence in new surroundings. Even when I got used to people and gained friends I still wasn’t my full self. I felt I had to lie about things so that I would be liked. Whether I lied or told the truth I felt like I couldn’t win and struggled to stay friends with others. Falling in and out with those around me on a regular basis.

One of the things that got me down the most was “friends” kept calling me anorexic. I was thin, yes, but I was never anorexic. I feel this didn’t help me love my body or have the best relationship with food.

I was a picky eater. My dad never knew what to feed me when I went to visit. Pizza Hut was the place to go. I love pizza to this day. I wasn’t very helpful in saying food choices to eat. I just rather have stayed quiet. I would eat in front of others, but when I was home I went through stages of not eating much or comfort eating loads. I still have spells of comfort eating now, just not to that extreme.

No matter how much or little I ate my weight never changed. The only time I thought, “Yes, I’m putting on weight” then felt depleted again once I connected it to my period each month.

I saw a dietician while at college. Even with her pointers, nothing changed. My relationship with food is better now, I even try to eat healthier and have a more varied diet.

I have never “dieted”. I feel if I started I would cause more harm to my body the good. I love my body now more then I did at school but I’m not 100% with it.

When it comes to exercise, I did dancing, gymnastics and the PE we had to do while at school. But since leaving exercise and my body/mind have not been friends. I go through phases where an exercise is something I do. But times I’ve stopped because I connect it with my weight or how thin I looked.

Other times I’ve done it and thought I’m not strong enough physically to do what I was doing in order to carry on. So why bother? Not thinking to build up my strength having an exercise routine could help. I’ve seen physiotherapists about different parts of my body. They’ve told me I’ve a muscle imbalance. I’m weak in my muscles and exercise is something to help strengthen them.

Plus it’ll be good for having a healthy body and mind. Seeing that my mental health has highs and lows this would have been motivation. But no. I think my mindset relationship with my body needs to get into a level of agreement in order to help my body love to grow.

I like what AZ said in a Holiday Council post about her joy of exercise:

I call it joyful movement because I do indeed find it joyful and feel so much better when I do it – not to try to lose weight or anything but because I know how good I feel

I like that because she’s found a way to put it so it sounds joyful as well as doing whats joyful to her.

In 2018 I set a personal ground rule to do a daily movement. This isn’t something I’ve done on a daily basis. I’ve gone about my daily needs but not mindfully set time or thought ‘let’s go for a walk’ etc. I’m also one to start something and give up or even just forget about it.

To allow myself to find pleasure in loving my body, I feel this would need to change. Right now, I don’t have an answer to how things could change. I believe reflecting on how I’ve felt/been in the past could help me to get better for the future in learning to inhabit my body.

I want to focus on feeling good. Not force myself and my body to do things we’re not ready for.

Could that be my body love mantra?

Life

Week 3 Reflection: Progress

My aim to complete my three actions:

  1. Buy Paint for the Kitchen
  2. Walk the Dogs
  3. Research Inhabiting my Body

Good news is that I completed 1 of the actions. I’ve bought the paint for the kitchen; well the white undercoat.

Why didn’t I complete the other 2 steps?

Mainly because I watched telly instead. The thing I turn to in all occasions. Tomorrow is another day, plus no telly Tuesday. Beating myself up about not doing the 2 other steps isn’t going to help me get closer to them.

I went today to see the plasterer to tell him not to sand down the walls. The plug sockets are left to put on and I really hope he cleans up after himself. The in two weeks, after the holidays, the second plasterer is coming to fix the problem. I also believe we have a gas engineer on hand to come service the boiler once the radiators and the water pipes are linked up.

It’s a shame he’s unable to sort my parents’ boiler out. We’ve called his recommendation but it’s gonna be 48 hours before he can get here. It’s freezing outside and the boiler is broken. Fun times, don’t you think.

The second quote for the windows was given today. I didn’t feel at ease with this person. It was a better quote then last weeks one but the buy now, pay later is a smaller month span. So we’ve booked a second viewing with the first, as they’ve got a longer payment option. They’ve also kindly brought down the price by a few hundred. We’ll see how that goes in a couple days time.

Anyways, I’d better end here, I really should be getting to my grandparents. Good Night.


Watched: The Christmas Chronicles > 3.5 out of 5

Life, Writing

My Impostor Complex

Everyone has a different perception of what mess is. When you feel messy, no one else knows now messy but you. We think other people are judging us for how messy we are. No one is. They’re thinking the same. I’ve been told this an impostor syndrome/complex.

That internalisation and discounts in excellence is the complex at work. The opposite is unshakable confidence. Well, I certainly don’t have that. If my understanding of the impostor complex is correct, I have it. I may not show behaviours all the time but I go through stages where this would be the case.

These internalised failures and discounted of excellence need to be confronted. Confront the lies, I believe and actions/behaviours I do. Thinking about what I am deeply capable of which, will be more then I realise. When we’re surrounded by those we trust, ask for their help; be together. Those around me want me to succeed. I need to let them. Accepting their help, won’t kill me.

The confidence comes from alignment. But do I have alignment in all I do? Is there gonna be work that’ll bring out the impostor complex? Most likely. But will it give me joy, gratefulness, gratitude or a sense of connection leading to alignment? If so then I want to be doing it, no matter what.

I won’t be alone. There are people around me going through the same. I need to decide to strive. Stop letter the impostor complex have the upper hand. Put the work in by doing the work that I love; that aligns with my truth. I need to allow myself to choose what I want to do with what’s in front of me. I may choose to go back, to stay or to quit. Whichever decision I make is okay.

I need to celebrate where I am and want more for myself. Stop apologising and comparing to others.


Watched: The Shanghai Job > 1.5 out of 5

Life

My Hesitation/Fears for 2019

It’s been lovely to have 5 days off work. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to go back tomorrow. I’m trying to think that I have 3 weeks left of which is 13 days worth of work. Hopefully, it’ll go quickly.

We had our first window and door company come to quote us today. We thought it was a good price. We’ve another coming next week so we can compare. But I’ve a good feeling about the person who came today, he didn’t try to get us to buy today either.

With all the other financials that we’re to pay out over the next year. I’m thinking a big goal for 2019 should be about money.

I suppose my hesitation or fears for my 2019 vision is that I’m not gonna succeed. Also, it’s that fear I’ll fall into my procrastination habit rather than getting the motivation to get things done.

I definitely need more accountability, I’m used to keeping things to myself. Rather than having others keep me on track.

Life

Just Another Sunday

It was emotional for my gran last night. The frustration is getting to her.

Once I was home I relaxed but started feeling ill a bit. Maybe I’m coming down with the flu?

We’ve another family meal this afternoon then it’s escaping James Bond with friends. Can’t wait to get together with the crazy lot. Least we can be bitches to each other and laugh about it. Seems like there’s drama happening with another group of friends and I’m so glad it doesn’t involve me. I’m keeping out of it.