Control and Beliefs

I had my last therapy session. My 6 sessions. Not an intense form like I’m sure others can be. We mainly talked. We had 6 x 50-minute conversations about my weeks. life and experiences.

I could have had a focus on a certain topic but I didn’t know what I wanted to focus on. At the end, we came to the conclusion that there was a theme around what was discussed; control and my beliefs.

I felt having the conversations helped me see parts of my life differently. I’m not cured by any means. Can you be cured of mental health issues? I know I believe I can find my path and gain understanding to how to cope, process and learn about my mental health.

I don’t necessarily believe I can be cured. If I was cured I wouldn’t be able to have a second relapse. But I’ve had family members/friends who’ve had cancer; been recovered from all traces of cancer to come back. Majority of the time worse than before.

In no way am I trying to demean mental health or cancer. I believe these are both concerns that have limitations and successes in their own right. I know and have seen first and second hand what health issues can do to people. I don’t have a full understanding of any to advice, question or debate on.

A part of what I’m taking from my sessions is that I can’t and don’t have control of aspects of my life. I believed I did. I need to relinquish control. I need to believe in myself.

If I wanna live a life of honesty, integrity, adventure, simplicity, laughter, healthier, balance, love, joy, acceptance. I need to live my life this way. Be 100% me. I need to do things in life for me, that resonates with me and that I believe in.

If I don’t I won’t be living the authentic life I want. I can’t people everyone. I need to get out of that belief that I do. People who like me, I want them to like me for me. Not who they think I am. I want people to like my work; my writing, videos, the things I do, because they believe in what I’m saying and doing.

Have a positive community around me. I don’t want to give the negativity anymore of my time.

You with me?

 

Procrastination

I had some winding down time this evening. I still had a plan in mind for my relaxation. The fact that I had a plan does that make it a relaxing evening? Probably not for my mind. That clearly is something I need to work on.

I watched today’s FB live and I posted my Jigsaw Metaphor in the coaching group page. I did start watching the YCY (Your Courageous Year) webinar but I wasn’t feeling it at the time.

From a point made in the coaching FB live about procrastination, I accepted my feeling of needing to turn the webinar off. The point made that helped me to see my action this way is some procrastination is good if the activity isn’t right at the time. I am paraphrasing slightly.

By saying this, I don’t mean it’s acceptable to stop or pause all activities that give me that feeling. The feeling is trying to tell me something I haven’t yet understood. Working out the meaning and using the feeling to benefit me in some way, is how I wanna use it.

I don’t wanna revert back to bad procrastination of putting this off. Avoiding until I’m overwhelmed. I’m the one letting my actions have a negative effect on me and the outcomes in my life. I’m the one who can change these into the positive, to benefit me and the life I lead.

The Insights Keep Coming

There was a time when I would get frustrated, start rushing things when a call out for work I was on ran over time. Now, I can tell my mindset is changing, continuing to grow in the right direction.

I had thoughts but I let them pass through, allowing me to get on with what I needed to do to help my lady get comfortable again, mind and body. My 1/2 hour call ended up being 1 hour and 25 minutes. The extra time I’m not getting paid for. This also got to me.

But last night regardless of these things, I was making a difference to my lady. She was embarrassed, upset, angry at herself and the situation she was in. But thankful and grateful for what my other carer and I did and the patience we showed.

That moment right there is the reason I want to help others, make a difference. To see the change from bad to good in the person and/or situation. I am on the right path.

 

Work Effecting Mood

I’m day 2 of my 7 day work week. I’m already tired, dreaming of my NVQ to finish so I can change jobs. Even though I’ve still got a couple of months left to wait for that. I am grateful, due to how my annual leave has fallen, that I now get 5 weekends off in a row.

I’m also proud of myself for saying no to a call I was asked to add to my already packed day. If I had said yes, I wouldn’t have been able to have my 1/2 hour break at my grandparents to have my dinner.

I’m grateful for my grandparents for allowing me to pop in between calls, otherwise, I’d be eating out of a lunchbox, in a layby, in the dark. At this time of year, I don’t feel comfortable with that. Being at my grandparents meant I could have a proper meal and a hot one.

A good nights sleep will hopefully get me into a more positive mood again.

Family: A Big Part of Me

I got to spend some time with my family today. Brining cherish and joy into my life. Previously when the family have come round for dinner I’m off doing something else or stay in my room. I didn’t do that today.

My mum and I were able to have a mini shopping trip to the local retail centre. Spending mother/daughter time is not something we’re able to do as regular now. Busy lives and all that. Considering we live in the same house right now, I feel that is very poor.

After our time together, my grandparents came to dinner. Usually the time I go hide. But I stayed and became apart of the evening. Due to working this evening there were a few odd jobs I needed to do to get ready.

Other than that, and with my phone up in my room, I was with them until I left for work.

I need to do that more especially since I’ve missed my friends birthday celebrations due to working. I need to make the most of every opportunity I get to spend time with those I love. I can’t cherish and joy my life without them. They’re a big part of me.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness. The topic of this weeks FB live in my Ultimate Coaching Programme (UCP) course. When listening through, it was mentioned that forgive and forget is the wrong way round. Forgetting means that you can forgive.

I understand that more. I can say I forgive something or someone. But forgetting is harder.

Mental health. The past. O let’s ruminate.

I’ve thought about times in my past. There are some I’ve forgotten/don’t have bad feelings for anymore. I had that feeling of lightness. That there’s one last thing to affect me.

I still have memories and bad feelings on some past events/moments/stories in my life. I suppose I may have consciously forgotten them but deep down they’re still there. They appear in dreams, daydreams or a sudden recall of memory.

Some memories or feelings take longer than others to forget. Knowing that I’m on the road to forgiveness is that sense of acceptance for my past.

I may have forgotten and forgiven but I know that certain events or people are not right in my life.

The Hepworth Gallery

Having the day to ourselves, we decided to go out. We had a plan to go to Knaresborough to do the treasure trail we have. With the wind and the sky looking grey we decided to do that on a nicer day.

The weather didn’t stop us going out. We decided to be tourists close to home. We went to The Hepworth Gallery, Wakefield. Free entry. Lovely artwork. I fell in love with one. For the life of me, I cannot remember the name of the artist. It was called ‘The Problem with Humans’.

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It made me smile and my eyes light up. We took our time walking around, saw the latest exhibition that ended today.

Before we went, I said that once we’ve been we don’t have to go again. Although that is true. After going today, I’d love to go again.

We’ve noted the dates for the next exhibition Feb-June and are planning to go see it when we’re able. Maybe on a rainy day like today. Despite the weather, we still decided to park in a free car park 20 minutes walk away. One it saved us parking money. Two it got us doing our walk for the day.

One of the things I took from today’s outing is that just because I believe something isn’t for me or I won’t like it, doesn’t mean that’s the case. I thought going to the art gallery wouldn’t be for me at all. But we both enjoyed it and would like to go again.

It’s like that little insight telly me that I shouldn’t judge or have a negativity mindset going into things. Just be in the moment and take what’s around me in at the time.


Watched: The Maze Runner: The Death Curse > 4 out of 5